Chapter 70
Late Night Misery
When Kazuki returned to his room, he was both exhausted and unburdened.
Shintarō’s endorsement and Makoto’s support were presents he couldn’t appreciate; the silver lining in the rolling storm clouds of his life had yet to shine.
The shock was too grand, the possibility of losing everything too great.
His phone chimed gently, announcing a message from Elyna. Relief mingled with dread; a conversation was long overdue, yet he feared the outcome. Would she, too, walk away? Figure out that he wasn’t so amazing? That she loved and admired a man with indelible scars?
The message awaited. He was loath to leave Elyna hanging after what she’d just gone through. Kazuki lit up the screen and … burst into hysterical laughter.
Sea Fairy: ???
Love flooded his heart; he was dialling her number before fear stalled him. It didn’t matter that his chest was still tight, his mind in shambles and his foundations shaky; tonight, he would be Kazuki the wounded man, shedding his teacher persona. If lifting the veil broke them…
So be it.
As the tone rang, he unfolded his futon upon the tatami mat; sleep would probably elude him tonight, but he longed for the comfort of his sheets. When Elyna’s broken voice finally came through the speaker, he collapsed onto the covers.
His first words were a love declaration, the Japanese way. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m… OK-ish?”
Kazuki hummed in response. “Good.” The earthquake, the subsequent storm, Shintarō’s acceptance, and that horrible thought that danced in the back of his mind…
“Katayū-sensei and I … we talked. It helped me…” She hesitated then, and he heard her sharp intake of breath. “ … clear my priorities.”
His grip tightened on the phone. Priorities. Elyna seemed at peace; he dreaded the life-altering decision she might have made. Before she could lay him off, he needed to apologise properly.
“I’m sorry, Elyna, so sorry. Everything that happened is my fault.”
He didn’t expect her to laugh softly on the line. “I may call you my moon, but even I know you can’t provoke earthquakes.”
He laughed pathetically at her attempt at levity, feeling her warmth permeate through the call. Yet, he would not allow her to deflect and own up to his mistakes.
“Mako-san came up because he heard me. I’m sorry for shouting.”
There, the apology is out. Ripe for the taking.
“You didn’t…” she started, then stopped. Because Elyna didn’t lie, even if her heart went out to him. “Well, alright. Given your usual volume, that was a 5.5 on Katayū scale, and I admit that it scared me.”
His whole body tensed, shoulders drawing up like he’d taken a blow. “Gomen nasai.” The words came out rough, heartfelt, weighted with genuine remorse. “It’s the dragon in me poking its head when it gets scared.”
“I understand. I doubt I would have been as composed. Don’t let it eat you away, ne?”
Twenty-two years old, and wiser than he was already. Kazuki sighed, feeling completely exposed. “I just … don’t want this to drive you away. We’ve got enough on our plate already, and with Mako-san discovering us…”
As if she could read his doubts, Elyna reached for him. “I’m not giving up on you, Kazu.” Her voice was strong, determined. “I’m never, ever, giving up on you.”
He nearly dissolved in tears, but the knot only wound tighter around his chest. Sweet, strong, amazing Elyna was ready to fight for him, and he … he’d kept shameful secrets.
Time to come clean, Kazu.
“Elyna…” He pressed his hand against his forehead. “I…”
Love you, desperately.
“Hai, Tsuki?” The term of endearment gave him the courage he needed to push forward. “Before you decide anything, there are things … things you don’t know.”
“What things?” She was worried now; had Makoto not told her?
Every instinct rebelled against the exposure; the past was the past. But Elyna deserved the truth before she tied herself to his sinking ship. He stood abruptly, finding the stillness oppressive. He needed movement.
“I was engaged once.” The words felt like stones in his mouth. “To Miyuki, a woman I met in university.”
For a long time, there was only silence. Then a barely audible: “Oh.”
His shoulder hit the window as he turned, the impact steadying him. “She was a year younger than me.”
The cool surface greeted his forehead, relieving the pressure that built in his skull. “When I proposed after her graduation, she said yes. I thought we would be happy.”
“What happened?” Elyna’s voice had filled with grief.
“Her parents…” He squeezed his eyes shut, the memory carved in his mind.
He remembered standing in that genkan dressed to the nines, bowing in apology while they explained his inadequacy.
“They said that an assistant teacher wasn’t stable enough to make a life.
They wanted us to wait until I got a better position. ”
Her breathing was soft and even on the other side, expectant. “What did … she say?”
“She agreed. I think she didn’t want to get married so soon.” The words came more easily now, as if Elyna embraced him from afar. Kazuki slumped against the wall, sliding down until he sat on the tatami floor.
“I never quite understood how it happened. Little by little, Miyuki started pulling away. Once she began earning her own salary, she spoke of advancement and career ambitions.”
“OK?” Elyna’s tone was curiously neutral.
“She said I had none.”
His lover exploded on the line. “Preposterous! As if guiding teenagers to a healthy life wasn’t ambitious enough! It’s downright impossible, but you’re doing it!”
Her praises were refreshing; not everyone appreciated the challenges of a homeroom teacher. “Thanks for the vote of confidence. But plenty of people disagree. Her parents found I wasn’t trying enough.”
“Kazu…” Her tone turned tender.
“When Mako-san offered a position, I was overjoyed to join the kōkō. We had great ambitions for the academy, but it seems like it was the last straw for Miyuki. Once a teacher, advancement is pretty much closed off.”
“Bitch.”
The venom in that single word confused him. “Uh?”
“Everyone appreciates the work that you do. The parents, the students, and your colleagues,” Elyna huffed. “If she couldn’t see how brilliant you are, then she was a bitch.”
The tirade startled a rough laugh out of him; it was almost too mathematical for his science-allergic lady. “You know,” he mused, lips quirked. “Shintarō calls her a tart.”
Her laughter burst through the speaker, taking with it the shadows that still lingered in his mind.
“He’s right, I bet… Listen, I’m too tired to be angry,” she said, but instead of fatigue he could only hear protectiveness.
“But if I ever see her, it’s not going to be pretty. To call my man not enough! Ah!”
My man. He, who loathed jealousy, found Elyna’s possessiveness endearing.
“Hey. Did you believe her?” her voice softened, laced with worry. “That you were not enough?”
Kazuki let his head fall back against the wall. “For a while.” When his ex-fiancée left, he reconsidered his whole life, his choices, his ambitions. “Then Shintarō and the guys, they showed me my worth.”
“Well, I hope she marries a James Bond. Ambitious and adventurous and crazy. As long as she never shows her face. You were a pearl cast before a swine!” Elyna’s petulance only surfaced when her indignation overwhelmed her tolerance; it seemed that belittling him was one of those cases.
As for being a pearl…
“Sometimes, I am afraid you only see the perfect side of me…”
“Oh, don’t worry,” she teased, “I know you’re not perfect. You’re stubborn, and take on too many responsibilities. And you’re not as in control as you think you are. Lucky for you, I happen to appreciate when you lose control.”
Heat flooded his face. “Elyna…”
In barely a year, he’d shown so many unprofessional sides of himself that he was thoroughly ashamed. Elyna truly brought out the best and worst in him.
His silence kept her going. “I don’t want a perfect man. I want you, with your flirty side and terrible pickup lines, and your fears. Just you is amazing.”
Am I? The praises were too many, so he latched on Elyna’s words like a lifeline.
“I love you”, she continued, determined to hammer that truth inside his very bones.
“You, the wonderful heart underneath that…” Her voice turned playful.
“ … that shirt that you must stop wearing at school, pretty please, because the things it does to me…”
Even though the day had been harrowing, Kazuki’s lips curled in a smile. “I recall someone saying, very publicly, that she loved testosterone.” He’d nearly combusted on the spot that day, right there on the dōjō floorboards.
“God, yes!” She exclaimed, sounding breathless. “And you certainly deliver on that point. And on many others as well.”
The heat in her voice was unmistakable. “OK,” he chuckled, his forehead dropping to rest on his knees. Kazuki fought against the lump in his throat. But those three blasted words—I love you—refused to be dislodged.
His struggle was interrupted by the strangest confession. “I’m so relieved, you have no idea.”
Relief? The crumbling of his engagement was like a stain on his worth, his most shameful secret, proof he was lacking; why did it not concern her? “What?”
He heard Elyna swallow. “Katayū-sensei mentioned something on the roof, about you not telling me. And I thought you were going to confess something horrible like…”
Kuso, she must have worried like hell!
“Like you were ill,” she retorted, tension radiating from the other end of the line. “Or your parents would be all Sonnō Jōi, or something like that.”
He bit back a laugh; trust Elyna to quote the Meiji era’s xenophobic motto in the middle of a crisis. Nonetheless, her fears were valid. His parents might fidget a little, but would probably be thankful to see his celibacy end.
“They’re not,” Elyna’s hesitant voice reached for him. “Right?”
“No. They’re not. And I’m sure my mother will love you. Especially if you mention grandkids, then all bets are off.”
He felt his face heat, but the idea stirred something warm in his chest so he indulged in the fantasy. “I’m glad,” Elyna breathed. “I would hate to be a reason for you to fight with your family.”
Her consideration touched him, but it also shed light on the elephant in the room. “What of your mother? Doesn’t she want you to marry an engineer?”
Elyna huffed. “Given my mother’s poor choices in life, her opinion is discarded by default.” The words were harsh, unyielding. “Her priorities and mine couldn’t be further apart.”
Kazuki closed his eyes. Would her courage still hold in the face of Katrine’s wrath? Despite her young age, Elyna showed a greater determination than he would have been able to muster.
“You really mean that,” he murmured, completely in awe. This wasn’t cultural shock; this was courage. Strength.
“I do.” No hesitation. “She made her choices so I’ll be making mine.” His throat tightened. How could he be worthy of someone so audacious? Sometimes, he felt simultaneously ancient and impossibly young in her presence.
“Elyna…”, he started. Then stopped, because his mind was running in circles, and her name had become a mantra. “Listen. Whatever happens now, I will face it head on. If things go south, I will stand my ground and take the blame for my decisions. You have nothing to fear.”
“Kazu…”, her voice trailed.
“Do not argue. I do not regret any moment spent by your side.”
He had allowed himself to want the impossible, and would atone for his mistakes. For a moment, she remained silent, and the only noise that passed between them was the gentle rhythm of her breathing. Then… “What’s plan B?” she asked.
His breath caught; losing his job would cripple him. Ironic, how the career that had chased Miyuki away made him feel so alive. What will I do if the worst happens? A plan formed in his mind already, a poor one, but a solution that would ensure survival.
“Qi Gong and cram school don’t pay as much, but I can live a modest life.” The words tasted sour in his mouth; all those years building a career, only to restart from scratch. Kazuki never yearned for social standing, but he couldn’t escape his culture’s requirements either.
To be a good companion—husband material—meagre earnings were simply not enough.
“Well” Elyna’s voice was muffled as she burrowed under the covers. “The beginnings would be a bit difficult, but with two salaries we could make do.”
The world tilted sideways. Her casual assumption—building a life together in exile—almost stopped his heart mid-beat. I won’t tie your bright future into my professional suicide. “Don’t plunge with me, Elyna. I refuse to drag you down. You have the world at your feet.”
Elyna huffed, sounding exasperated. “I’m as much responsible for this mess as you are.” Her voice softened then, tender but resolute. “And I don’t care about the world. My decision is you, Kazuki. Always you.”
“No!” he cried, terrified. “My shame will be my own!”
Her response was steady like the beam of a lighthouse. “I refuse to be your shame, my Tsuki. I rather hope…”, she paused in hesitation there. “… I will be your greatest joy instead, as you are mine.”
His free hand pressed against his chest, where his heart hammered against his ribs. He’d confessed his greatest humiliation, knelt on metaphorical ground like a man about to perform seppuku, and she’d just accepted it without the slightest flinch. Told him he was worthy.
“Hey Kazu?” Her voice was playful, trying to pull him out of the spiralling thoughts that refused to release him. “You know what they say. Men want to be the first, and women the last.”
Despite the tightness still contorting his chest, Kazuki couldn’t help but chuckle. If he was not really her first, he dearly hoped she would be his last. The pieces of the puzzle finally clicked into place.
The silence that followed was different from the others. Warm, companionable and devoid of fears.
“Tsuki?” Her voice came softer now. “You’re stuck with me … if you’ll have me?”
That tiny note of uncertainty at the end—as if she could doubt—made his pulse jump.
“Hai,” he whispered. “A million times, hai.”
When silence settled between them, it was filled with hope and longing. The shadows that lingered in Kazuki’s heart evaporated in the night, vanquished by Elyna’s light.
Aksel: Sis, you asleep?
Aksel: Ellliiiiiiiiiieeeee
Aksel: ?? ?? ??