Chapter 41
CHAPTER
FORTY-ONE
ISLA
Every decision you make reflects your evaluation of who you are.
– Marianne Williamson
Two weeks later.
“She’ll be here, Julius. I know she will.”
“Isla,” he stressed in an edgy tone. “It’s your birthday, and she was supposed to be here hours ago to make dinner. A dinner she insisted on, might I add.”
“Julius, relax…” Kraven intercepted. “She doesn’t know any better.”
“Don’t do that,” I snapped. “Don’t talk about me like I’m not in the room.”
“You’re going off on me?” Kraven asked, looking offended. “I’m just defending you.”
“I don’t need your defending.”
Julius abruptly stood, getting off the couch.
“I told you this was a bad idea from day one, but you didn’t listen to me.
” In a stern expression, he glanced down at me.
“You insisted on allowing her for your birthday. I kept my mouth shut because it’s your day, and now look, we’re fighting over her yet again. ”
“Julius, I know it’s been hard, but I haven’t let her in the house. I’ve barely even spoken to her. What was I supposed to do when she—”
“You tell her no! It’s really that simple!”
“She’s your mom. I—”
“She’s my nothing!”
“Julius,” Kraven announced, grabbing his arm. “Chill. It’s her birthday.”
I abruptly stood too, facing them both. “I’m not fighting with you guys about this. I know she’ll be here. She promised me, okay?”
“Words come cheap when it comes to Melody.” Julius stepped back, walking to the bay window. He pulled the curtain, looking outside. “I warned you, Isla,” he simply stated. “But you refuse to see reason.”
“She hasn’t even been around that much.”
Kraven chimed in, “Only because we put a stop to it.”
“Great,” I remarked. “We’re back to two against one again.”
Kraven shrugged. “We’re just trying to protect you. Why is that so hard to understand?”
I shook my head. “You don’t need to protect me from her. She’s your mom.”
“You’ll learn,” Julius bit out. “The first lesson is always the hardest.”
My eyes went wide, suddenly defensive of her. “She’s respected all your wishes, and the only reason she’s coming tonight is because it’s my birthday. You know how she feels about them.”
Julius reminded. “It’s ten at night. What time are we expected to eat?”
“Maybe something's wrong. I mean, she’s not answering her phone, and that’s not like her.”
Julius nodded. “That’s the definition of her.”
“She’s never not answered me.”
“You’ve only known her a minute,” Julius scoffed. “But I knew it wouldn’t take long for her to show you her true colors.”
“Well, I’m not giving up on her so easily. I think there’s something wrong.”
“Isla—”
“Julius, just let her be. It’s her birthday, alright?”
He reluctantly let it go, but not before he added, “How about we at least sing you ‘Happy Birthday,’ and you can open up our gifts?”
“No,” I softly spoke. “We can wait for her.”
It was my big one-eight. I’d been looking forward to becoming a legal adult for as long as I could remember. Now the day was finally here, and we were in the living room, waiting for Melody. My emotions were all over the place. I refused to believe she was standing me up.
The clock on the wall ticked, though.
Tick, tock.
Tick, tock.
Tick, tock…
Every second that flew by mirrored the beating of my heart, pounding its way out of my chest. The candles burning around us tested my patience, too. Julius pretended he was scrolling his phone while Kraven did the same, each on opposite ends of the couch, me in the middle like always.
The living room felt smaller than usual, the walls caving in on me, starting to feel like a damn fool. Balloons were scattered around, and a cake was waiting in the fridge. All of it was just making a mockery of the evening that I had so much hope for.
Julius’s jaw clenched every time I saw him glancing at the door from the corner of my eye. I kept picturing her coming through the door with flowers, a gift, and a huge apology for being late. I pretended as if this wasn’t the first time I trusted and relied on someone to show up for me.
And not just someone but their mother.
I never had anyone care about my birthday, and she made such a big deal out of ours. I never expected a celebration, a gift, or even someone saying happy birthday to me. It was just another year, another age older, another, another, another…
No one ever sang me “Happy Birthday.” There were years when I didn’t even remember my own. I made myself think it didn’t matter, and now it mattered more than anything, all because I put my trust into a woman who didn’t deserve it.
I couldn’t sit there anymore. It felt claustrophobic, invasive, like the walls could read my thoughts or something. Throwing it back in my face that I should have listened to them from the beginning. That I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up and relied on a woman who abandoned them.
What was I thinking?
I tried to keep myself busy by straightening up the kitchen and starting a new load of laundry. However, my thoughts kept getting worse.
Every time I heard a car go by, I believed it was her.
Every time I heard a voice outside, an animal, the wind blowing a little too harshly, I believed it was her.
I silently yelled at myself not to glance toward the door, but I did anyway, and it remained shut.
Seconds.
Minutes.
Hours.
My thoughts lay heavy on my mind as I smiled at the boys, playing it off, holding on to the hope she’d come through for me. Then the clock got too loud, the time got too loud…
Tick, tock.
I started thinking about being back in ten.
Then ten more minutes.
Then ten more.
And then more.
Two hours flew by, and it was past midnight. Now it was the next day, and my birthday was over. I was officially another year older.
An adult.
Legal.
Something about the way the clock dinged at twelve, echoing loudly in the room, smacked me in the face with the realization that she truly didn’t show up for me when she promised she would. The moment it went off, I felt something in me snap as if it were a twig, and there was no holding back.
No holding it in either.
“Isla, are you okay?”
Kraven’s voice was all it took for me to crack. I didn’t make a sound until a cry came out, surprising me as well. My skin was clammy, my stomach churning, and then all in one breath, I began laughing.
The boys must have thought I’d lost my mind, and maybe in a way I had. To go from having no one, no love, no friends, no nothing to feeling a part of something, a unit, a bond, a family, for it to be brutally taken away before it had a chance to bloom. It was a rose being ripped from a garden.
“Isla.” Kraven’s low tone was filled with concern. It was evident in his expression.
When he reached for me, I flinched as my gaze connected with Julius’s. He was still on the couch, except his attention was solely focused on me. I didn’t want them to see how much I was hurting from the inside out and how much it felt like I was being choked with barely any air left to steal.
There was a huge lump I couldn’t force out of my chest. I couldn’t swallow it down. I couldn’t spit it out. It was stuck, a permanent part of me. A reminder of what could have been.
“I thought…” I was unable to finish my sentence.
My thoughts.
It hurt too much, and I never expected it to. I believed in her and took her side against the boys, which caused a conflict between us.
All for what?
“Isla, it’s alright,” Kraven coaxed, reaching for my hand.
I moved it away. I didn’t want him to get too close to me. I needed space, feeling as if the room was closing in on me. As soon as he reached for me again, I ran. For the first time since I had set foot in this house, I chose flight. Defaulting to what I knew best. It was how I survived.
I hate her for that.
Making me become the person I hated, the one I never wanted to be to begin with, but the world had turned me that way. In its cruelty, there was beauty in the form of the Knightly brothers.
I hauled ass up those stairs to Julius's bedroom, feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn’t let them see me like this, not when they had warned me. Not when I didn’t listen.
I was too stubborn.
Too hopeful.
Too much of an idiot.
I tried.
I begged.
I prayed.
When I looked into her eyes, I believed everything she said to me. She was so convincing, so natural, so easy to be around.
“You’re my girl now.”
It repeated endlessly, echoing in itself.
My wants.
Needs.
Expectations.
This future I thought we’d have wasn’t at arm’s length any longer. It was now miles upon miles away. Every time I thought we were close, we were almost there, an issue would arise, and we’d find ourselves on opposite sides of the fence, still looking toward a future we might never have.
Farther and farther, it flew out of our paths.
More confusion.
More questions and no answers.
Waiting.
Everything was intertwined, pushing and pulling in a game of tug-of-war.
I lay there on Julius’s bed with my eyes closed in a trance.
Stunned.
Angry.
Guilty.
It was as though I was having an out-of-body experience. I was there, but I wasn’t. I wanted to open my eyes, but I was afraid of what I’d see.
What I’d feel.
When I was already feeling everything.
Mistakes.
Regrets.
Memories we could never change.
I heard the front door slam. It was loud and chaotic. Full of anger and resentment. I knew it was Julius who left. I felt it. His presence, his heart, his soul, it was all gone.
My heart dropped.
My breathing hitched.
I was lost all over again.
Once I started crying into the pillow, I heard Kraven’s piano. He was playing for me, and my hand instinctively went to the wall. It vibrated into my skin, my fingers, my body. This time, it wasn’t just the music I felt deep in my bones.
No.
It was Kraven’s heart…
That was breaking for me, too.