Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
Hollie
Present day - June
Irubbed aloe on the girls red shoulders and cheeks as they squirmed in their pajama bottoms. Their chatter rattled nonstop about Cade and the horses.
I listened, unable to wipe the smile off my face.
A lot of things had gone right that day.
Not only did we have a wonderful afternoon with Jesse and Cade, but Cooper woke up around three o’clock in the afternoon, then passed his breathing test with flying colors.
He was extubated and able to respond to Tag, Bea, and the doctors.
Cooper’s recovery made the day purposeful and special.
I did extra cleaning around the big house and the cabin, spiffed up Cooper’s bunk area and changed his sheets, checked in some new guests, the girls picked flowers for the breakfast table, and I set up his welcome home present that I’d bought online.
Laying on one of the air mattresses, I read a chapter of My Father’s Dragon to the girls as they snuggled into the covers.
Reading together was my favorite part of our nightly routine, and we giggled through the absurd plot points.
Once the room was dark and the girls were settled in, I flopped onto my own bed and checked the text message I’d sent Garrett earlier that day.
“Garrett, please call the girls.”
He saw the text five minutes after I sent it, but didn’t respond.
Staring at his read receipt, feelings stormed in my chest. Why was he doing this to our daughters?
Had he been waiting for the day he could leave us in the dust?
I didn’t understand. Why did we go through the trouble and expense of making a parenting allotment with an attorney if he was going to completely blow it off three months later?
When everything hit the fan, I was numb and in denial.
Even as I signed papers, I kept thinking things weren’t final.
My brain refused to believe it and lied to me, saying that Garrett would be back.
That one day, he’d fall at my feet and beg for forgiveness.
All these months later, I ached for him.
And I didn’t even know why. I could admit to myself that Garrett wasn’t a good husband, but…
I still loved him. And I didn’t know who I was without him.
He’d been my everything since I was eighteen.
Eighteen.
My entire foundation was Garrett.
Scrolling up, I looked over my slew of unanswered text messages. I’d sent pictures, reminders, let him know we’d called in case he missed the notification, and sent him a video of Izzy’s card tricks
Nothing.
In January, I deleted all my social media.
I’d never been one to post many pictures of my family or spend time watching videos, but after Garrett and I separated, social media became my kryptonite.
I found Kayleigh on TikTok and Instagram, and the near-constant uploads from her were poison to my soul.
Garrett didn’t have social media, but it didn’t matter. His face was all over Kayleigh’s feed.
Before we were even divorced, Garrett and Kayleigh were openly traveling, hitting up fancy restaurants, and attending PDS events like the girls and I didn’t even exist. As if I wasn’t the one in a cocktail dress on Garrett’s arm not too long ago.
And, even though I knew it was terrible for my heart to seek the two of them out, occasionally curiosity prickled in my heart like a foot that had fallen asleep.
And I had to act or I’d cry out in desperation.
But, instead of spiraling on her social feeds, I did the more sane thing.
I texted Jackie and Estelle.
Me
I want the latest on Karrett.
Karrett was the mash-up name my sisters affectionately gave the new couple. And, oddly enough, the tacky sound helped soften the blow of stringing their names together.
Jackie
Say no more.
Estelle
No Jackie! Holls I don’t think it’s good for you to keep tabs on Garrett.
Jackie
No she needs to hear this.
My heart jumped into my throat. Jackie’s response made it sound like there was news. I shifted up on my bed until my shoulders hunched over my phone. When one minute turned into two, my anxiety raged so hard I thought I might throw up. Had something happened?
A screen shot from Jackie came through the chat, and my stomach bottomed out before I even brought it full screen. It was a picture of Kayleigh holding a row of tiny black rectangle photographs with blurry white images on the front. I slapped a hand over my mouth, stifling my gasp of shock.
For a second, I wondered if Jackie was playing a joke on me and had somehow edited a picture of them to look like a pregnancy announcement. But no, this was real. Garrett looked down at Kayleigh with soft eyes, and her right hand cradled the gentle swell of her belly.
My jaw hung in shock as nausea rose in my belly.
I rolled over to my back, pressing the phone against my chest—why?
The idea of Kayleigh as Garrett’s short-term toy was one thing, but the mother to his child was another.
Suddenly, all the naive hopes I had for reconciliation scalded my heart.
He wasn’t going to come back, was he? He would never be a father to our girls, or apologize to us, or be the husband I always hoped he would be.
Hot flush rushed to my face, nausea right at its heels.
I scrambled off the bed, my phone clattering to the ground as I rushed to the bathroom and busted my knees against the tile floor.
My fingers scraped into the roots of my hair, propping my elbows on the rim of the toilet seat.
Pain twisted in my stomach like I’d eaten something bad.
Why, oh why, was this happening? Is this why he was too busy to pay his other children a visit?
Staring straight into the water below my face, I tried to keep my head.
I knew breathing was important, but dammit, every breath came through a straw—barely expanding my lungs with air.
My staccato breaths mingled with quiet whimpers as the betrayal of abandonment tore my heart to pieces.
An abrupt sob—loud and uncontrolled—wrenched from my throat.
Why was he doing this to us?
What had I done to deserve it? Our girls would have a half-sibling. How could I ever tell them that? Would they find out on their own? Would Garrett want to introduce them to the baby? What if the girls liked being with Garrett and Kayleigh and the baby more than me?
Oh, I was spiraling, but I couldn’t stop. The edges of my vision flickered with darkness and my breaths grew painful. The last thing I expected tonight was a panic attack but…my inhale wheezed as a cinderblock landed on my chest and pain rippled down my arms.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to fight it.
But it was no use.