Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
Jesse
Everything was going fine until false hope ruined me.
After Tag called, the rest of the day spun by in near perfection.
Any time Hollie and I crossed paths, she beamed—full smile, shimmering eyes.
Each of our interactions were so positive, I convinced myself she would bring a plate of dinner out to me just like she did the night before. And I couldn’t wait.
I was on track to be done with my work and inside the cabin by 9:15 p.m. or so, but, like an idiot, I delayed in the barn, waiting for her.
I oiled saddles in the tack room. I swept out an old closet, tinkered with the watering system, and found random things to spit-shine so I could be available when she came.
By 10 p.m., I realized I was a fool.
If she hadn’t come by now, she probably wouldn’t.
Which meant she forgot.
I tried to tell myself it was fine, but it wasn’t. Not because I was hangry and exhausted and didn’t want to eat cereal without milk in the cabin, but because her forgetting about me stung.
Especially when she was all I could think about.
I hadn’t tried to hide my interest in her, being honest every chance I got. But bothering with a woman who lived hundreds of miles away could probably be summed up with the term wishful thinking. Even still, I couldn’t ignore the turning in my gut.
Or the quiet voice urging me, don’t let her get away.
Feeling small, I put my tools away and reached to flip off the light.
Then footsteps crunched through gravel in the barnyard.
My heart jumped with boyish hope as I stepped into the barn corridor to see Hollie standing there with a foiled plate in her hands.
I knew my smile looked too eager, but I couldn’t feign indifference to her if my life depended on it.
She wore pajama bottoms, a loose white t-shirt, and a messy bun—her best look yet. “Hey, Hollie.”
“Hi.” While I was still a ways off, she held out the plate between us. “Here. You don’t have to stop what you’re doing.”
“No trouble. Good to see you.” I got close enough to take it. She pocketed her hands and stepped away to put distance between us. My smile faded.
“I went to your cabin to put it in the fridge but the front door was locked.”
“Oh.” All that hope crashed into my stomach. “Gotcha.”
“I should’ve taken your plate out earlier, but I forgot until a few minutes ago.” Her voice rasped like she was getting a cold. “Anyway,” she whispered, swiping a curl behind her ear, “I should be going.”
“Would you like to sit with me for a few minutes?”
She hesitated. “I shouldn’t.”
The word choice caught my attention. “Shouldn’t?”
She nodded once. Saying it more decisively this time. “Yeah. Shouldn't.”
“Okay.” I narrowed my eyes, noting the blotchy red spots along her cheek and temple. She kept her face averted. “It’s late. Maybe some other time.”
She murmured, “No, Jesse, not next time.” She continued with a little more confidence. “I need to set the record straight.”
I braced myself, predicting where this conversation would go.
She chanced a glance at my face, and in that split second, I got a clear view of her eyes.
They were red-rimmed, a little puffy. Her nose was pink, too.
She’d been crying. Warm blood surged through my veins at the realization.
She cleared her throat, looking for her voice.
“I—I need to know—what your intent with me is.”
Getting put on the spot was the last thing I expected to happen tonight.
“I don’t know if I can sleep until I get it…squared away.” Her voice cracked over the last words. “You’ve made a lot of comments and stuff and I just…I need a full picture of what it is you want.”
“Fair enough.” I turned to set the plate of food down on a barrel in the hallway. “I’m not sure I have it all sorted out myself. But we…connected the weekend you were here for the wedding, and I want to explore that.”
“I’m not sleeping with you, Jesse.”
I reared back in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting that…at all.”
She tsked like she didn’t believe me. “You said ‘explore our connection.’ You’re not talking about the kiss?”
It was the first time we’d ever mentioned our kiss.
To say I didn’t want to explore our explosive physical chemistry would be a wild lie neither one of us would believe.
I doubted any man could kiss a woman like I’d kissed Hollie and not want to explore that connection, but no, it was not my intent.
I didn’t set out every day hoping for an opportunity.
That kiss was premature considering I knew practically nothing about her at the time and I believed that type of kissing was better left within the confines of marriage—easier said than done though.
I took a deep breath. “You thinking that’s all I’m after is one-hundred percent my fault, Hollie.”
Her breaths picked up pace, and her teeth dug into her bottom lip.
I spoke slowly. “I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want to kiss you again, because I definitely do, but the way I…
” I floundered, looking for words as I denied the thrill that ran through my body at the memory of us in the tack room.
My core heated at the mere mention of it.
“The way I touched you wasn’t appropriate.
You’re not mine, but, for a few minutes, I acted like you were.
That’s not the way I want to treat women, and I’m sorry I took advantage of you like that. It was selfish.”
Her cheeks flamed red. Mine probably did, too.
She blinked repeatedly as a deep swallow pulled at her throat. “What do you want then?”
I hesitated for a moment. “I don’t know. That might not be a good answer, but I’m still trying to figure it out. For a long time, I’ve never even considered the idea of another woman in my life, but ever since I met you…I’ve wondered if it’s possible.”
She stared at the ground. “I don’t know what you’re insinuating, but I have a life in Colorado.”
“I know.”
“I won’t be staying. I—I don’t want to build up your expectations for something that will never happen.”
I pressed my lips together, refusing to compare her to Bea.
Hollie’s situation was nothing like Bea’s, and I couldn’t expect her to leave her life in Colorado to explore something with me.
I lived in the middle of nowhere and didn’t have much to offer her family.
Wait—what was I even thinking? My cart was so ahead of the horse, I was careening down a mountain side with no way to stop.
My thoughts were a thousand levels of lonely.
And I’d make a fool of myself if I didn’t pull the brakes on my feelings somehow.
All I knew was Hollie made me feel something.
She made me happy. And her company made my days a lot shorter.
I managed to reply, “I understand.”
“And…” Her voice choked off. “Maybe you’re ready for another relationship, and good for you if so, but I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to try again. So, you’re better off not getting…involved with me.”
The way another relationship rolled off her tongue caused guilt to niggle behind my breast bone.
I knew she didn’t mean to make Laurel sound replaceable, but for a fleeting moment, I worried pursuing Hollie would be replacing Laurel.
I had very strong feelings for her, yes, but my heart still belonged to my wife.
I blinked through the confusion, telling myself to work through that conundrum later.
Hollie’s thumb worked away at her poor fingernails. Pain radiated off of her, and I wanted nothing more than to understand why she hurt so bad. It probably had little to do with me.
I gently prodded. “Is this because of your ex?”
She scoffed. “No, because of me. I don’t have sound judgment.” She continued, “I want things that aren’t good for me, and I can’t trust my decisions anymore.”
Garrett had to be behind this change in her. I knew very little about the man but I hated him. All I knew was the vibrant smiling woman of this afternoon was carving out her fingernails and looked ready to bolt. Something happened. “Why can’t you trust your decisions?”
She rolled her eyes, her foot lightly stamping the barn’s dirty floor. “You are very nosy, Jesse.”
“I definitely am.”
“I can’t talk to you about this stuff. When we talk, I…” She shook her head like she wasn’t sure where to take her train of thought. “I end up sharing too much.”
“Nothing wrong with sharing. You’re getting that practice in.”
She huffed, clearly at war within herself. “It is wrong.”
I frowned, confused. “Why?”
She blurted, “Because I’m getting emotionally entangled with you, Jesse.”
I stilled at her words. Emotionally entangled. My heart lurched with hope then dread as I came to grips with two truths that couldn’t peacefully coexist. She didn’t want to have feelings for me. But I had jumped—head first on the deep end—into feelings for her.
She continued, “And maybe you can afford that distraction in your life, but I—I can’t. So I need you to—to stop being nice to me and checking in on me and—and seeking me out.” Her face turned red with suppressed emotion. “And just treat me like a ranch employee, okay? Ignore me. That’ll be better.”
How was I supposed to ignore her puffy eyes and pink nose and just pretend I didn’t know how painful it would be tomorrow when she submerged her hands in hot dish water? Sure, I could stop flirting and choke on my desires, but I couldn’t let her stand there and hurt herself.
I pushed, “Why?”
She sighed. “Jesse, please—”
“I will do whatever you ask, Hollie, even if I don’t want to. But I do want to understand why you’re asking me to shut down something we are both feeling and wanting.”
“I’ve only known you for two weeks.”
“That’s not the reason, and we both know it.”
“I live too far away.”
“Be real. Something upset you. And it wasn’t your zipcode.”
She gave a sudden gasp of pain and her brow furrowed. Tears broke free and streaked down her cheeks. But she still didn’t stop picking at her nails.