Chapter 46
FORTY-SIX
Hollie
Isat at the kitchen table, scratching a shopping list onto a pad of paper while Mom rattled off ingredients for all the Christmas dishes she would be making.
She would schedule a grocery pick-up order at the Kerrville, Texas Walmart and pick it up the day after we all arrived at the ranch.
The Thompson Christmas would be happening at Meadowbrook because Bea was so pregnant she could hardly walk.
Her due date was Christmas so we would bring the festivities to her.
I was so excited to see Jesse.
Mom paused her talking, and my mind drifted away.
Of course, I imagined our reunion, but I imagined our separation again just as much.
Saying goodbye would tear my heart to pieces.
I stayed in Colorado to work on myself and sort out the custody issue, but now that those things were done and I had a written order allowing me to move, when was the right time to go back and stay?
Even though I’d grown in leaps and bounds, there were still lots of areas in my heart where I struggled.
I sighed, rubbing my pencil against the lined paper, absentmindedly filling a margin.
When could I call my healing good enough for Jesse and Cade?
Since our love confessions on Thanksgiving day, Jesse and I had talked about marriage, but he hadn’t officially asked me or anything. I told him I needed to work on myself for a while still, so he was probably waiting for some sort of green light.
Mom whistled, jerking me out of my thoughts. “Hello? Hollie?”
I startled back, dropping the pencil on the table. It rolled toward the edge and I caught it, straightening my spine. “Were you talking?”
She raised her brows. “Only for an entire minute while you stared off into space.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” I looked down at the list, trying to refocus.
“That’s okay. I’m mostly done anyway.” She opened a cupboard, and thirty seconds later put a steaming mug of hazelnut coffee in front of me on the table. Easing into a chair, she said, “What’s on your mind?”
I took a deep breath, wrapping my fingers around the cup. “Jesse.”
She offered a soft smile. “I can’t say that shocks me. What about him?”
“I want to be with him. The girls and I are free to move to Texas whenever we want, so now I’m left wondering when I should deem myself healthy enough for him, you know?”
She hummed then took a loud sip of her coffee. “Is that what he’s waiting on?”
“What do you mean?”
Her bob angled toward the table as she tipped her head to the side. “I mean, is he waiting for you to”—she used air quotes—“get healthy?”
I frowned, thinking that through. “Not necessarily. He’s waiting for me to be ready.”
“Well, are you ready?”
“That’s the problem. I don’t know if I am.”
She pursed her lips. “Are you waiting for some sort of sign?”
“I’m waiting so that I don’t bring my emotional baggage and all my insecurities to Texas.”
Mom tsked. “Hollie. That’s not realistic. If we all had to be perfectly secure before having love, there wouldn’t be any love in the world. You might be waiting for something impossible.”
“But I want to do right by him.”
“Of course you do, honey. But you could be robbing him, too.”
“What?” I laughed, incredulous. “What does that mean?”
She lifted her mug again. “You could be stealing time by insisting that you be healthy enough—whatever that even means—for him.” She shook her head, suddenly serious. “I know all about losing time, Hollie. And it’s the one thing you can’t get back.”
I blinked, stunned by her perspective. “But I don’t want to hurt him.”
“With…what? Your marital trauma?”
“I guess so.”
“Hollie, you aren’t dysfunctional or broken or hurting others or wreaking havoc everywhere you go. You were hurt and you’re facing all the ways that hurt changed you. But simply being hurt by another person doesn’t disqualify you from being happy again. There isn’t a test you have to pass.”
She took another sip of coffee then continued.
“And there are some really good men in the world who will take a woman as she is and love her through her darkness. And sometimes receiving love is the real healing we need.” Her voice cracked a little.
“You might be missing out if you’re not letting him love you right where you are.
If I had insisted on getting healthy for your father, this family would still be broken, Hollie.
Love that’s messy is still powerful.” Her eyes misted over as she thought about Dad. She tsked. “I still don’t deserve him.”
I smiled. “Jesse told me that love we have to earn isn’t real.”
She smiled then deadpanned, her facial animation reminding me of Jackie. “Yet, here’s my oldest daughter, thinking she isn’t good enough.” I started to laugh as she ranted, her arms spreading wide. “Please, for heaven’s sake, go marry that man and put him out of his misery.”
“What if he’s not ready?”
She rolled her eyes, the snark fully activated. “Call him and ask. I dare you.”
I paced in my parent’s frigid garage after the girls went to bed, practicing how I should say what was on my heart. But my head was so jumbled with nerves, I couldn’t scrounge up coherent thoughts. It was going to come out like a hot spew of word vomit, and hopefully Jesse could interpret.
When I was tired of thinking in circles, I said screw it, and pressed call.
Jesse immediately picked up the phone. “Hey.”
Just his eager greeting brought the biggest smile to my face. “Hey. You picked up fast.”
“I’ve been waiting. You said you’d call in five minutes and it’s been thirty-five.” There was no frustration in his voice, just boyish eagerness. “Not that I’ve been counting or anything.”
I giggled, biting down on my lip. “What are you doing?”
“I’m laying on the couch. Cade went to bed a little bit ago, so I’m watching…” He paused. “I don’t know what the hell I’m watching. Some sort of Christmas movie on TV that is really dumb.”
“Oh! I can let you go so you can finish it.” Teasing him was so fun.
His chuckle through the phone warmed me to my toes. “If you think I’d rather watch a movie than talk to you, you’ve lost your mind.”
My phone buzzed in my hand, alerting me of an incoming Facetime call. I protested even as I smiled. “Jesse, I look like the walking dead right now.”
“Good. That’s my favorite. Answer.”
Giggling, I answered the call and turned on my camera.
Jesse’s smiling face took my breath away and made my heart turn in my chest. He was laying on his back, one arm propped behind his head and wearing his olive green t-shirt—which was my favorite on him because it brought out the green in his eyes and made his hair look more red than brown.
His scruff was turning into a beard and I wished so badly I was there to touch it.
“The walking dead, seriously?” He rolled his eyes. “You look beautiful as always.”
The curls around my face were frizzy and springy and I had the adorable zit I always got on my face every time I had my period. “And you look cozy.”
“This is a very comfortable couch.”
“Trust me, I know. Let me see the tree.” Jesse turned the phone toward the little Christmas tree Cade and Jesse decorated. It was so darn cute that I demanded to see it every time we Facetimed. “I wish I was there.”
He turned the phone back to his face. “So do I.” He tapped his chest. “Right here. We could watch this stupid movie together.”
I scrunched my nose in disgust. “Watch a movie? I could think of something a lot more fun.”
I loved the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed. “Hollie Lynette, I’m offering to watch a wholesome family movie with you and your mind went straight to the gutter.”
I laughed too. “I can’t help it.” I was ready to lay on the couch, watch movies, fall asleep tangled up, and sip early morning coffee together. “I want to be there with you.”
“I want you here, too.”
“No, I mean, I want to be there with you. In your cabin. And not have to leave. I’m excited to see you on the twenty-third, but the thought of having to come back to Colorado again…” My throat grew tight. “I hate it, Jesse. I hate it so much.”
“Then don’t go back. Stay in Texas.”
My pulse lurched into a gallop. “But, I don’t have a place.”
“We’ve discussed this. Cade and I will move to the bunkhouse.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want that. I won’t be happy until we are together.”
His brow furrowed a bit as he tried to discern what I meant. A growl of frustration built in my throat. I didn’t know how to say what I wanted without getting on one knee and proposing to him. He was waiting on me though and wouldn’t ask until he knew I was ready.
We’d discussed at length that we wouldn’t share a cabin together unless we were married.
If we were being technical, Cade and Jesse moving into the bunkhouse was a viable solution.
I just didn’t like that solution. I wanted all of us to be together as soon as humanly possible.
Plus, how long would I be able to send Jesse back to his bunkhouse every night? I scoffed at the mere idea.
He took a deep breath, his face serious but soft.
“Alright. I want you to be honest.” We were always honest with each other, but I did sometimes need gentle prodding.
“There’s some sort of scenario playing out in your head.
Tell me about it. Don’t worry about it sounding crazy or silly.
” His emphasis on my favorite word did not go unnoticed.
“Just tell me how you see the best case scenario playing out.”
“Okay. It’s pretty simple.”
“Go ahead.”
I drew a slow, shaky breath through my teeth. “When I come for Christmas, I want to move into your cabin. With you. And not come back to Colorado.”