CHAPTER 22
Matthew
Stryker pulled me aside after the meeting where Johnathan had told us that we’d be having to go to Zeltron because for some reason Stadal had switched targets.
I’d been ogling Theo the whole time, so I guessed that that was what his solemn expression was for even before he opened his mouth. Strangely, I was oddly calm about it. Maybe it was because I knew Stryker was cool about it.
“I just wanted to say.” He murmured, eyes burning with their usual intensity “that you can talk to me about Theo if you need to. Not because I’m a nosy shit, I swear. Just because I know it’s nice to talk to someone sometimes and I know you probably haven’t .”
I frowned, taken aback. It wasn’t a stupid thing to say, really.
Half the time I didn’t know what to do with myself because I had this burdening secret constantly pressing on my chest and no one to talk to about it.
I’d never had anyone to talk to about it, and sometimes that made me feel like I was drowning.
At times I thought that if my mum were still alive I would have told her with all the confidence that she would be on my side about it.
I just wasn’t expecting Stryker to offer.
“Isn’t that a burden for you, too?” God knew he had enough of them without mine to add.
Stryker scoffed “you and Theo aren’t the only not straight people I know.” He admitted softly “so, I don’t really find it a burden much anymore. I keep my trap shut and it’s cool.”
Somehow, the possibility that there were other people who were gay had never crossed my mind much. I’d probably resigned myself to the fact that I’d never meet them because we couldn’t be open about it without getting killed.
“Thanks.” I murmured “I appreciate that, S. Really.”
He nodded slowly “and listen…I don’t think he’s…good at accepting himself?”
“No.” I snorted immediately “definitely not.”
He grinned briefly “and I get that it’s hard, but he can be complicated. So…you’re doing awesome with him, and I just…be patient? He really does love you-“
Love. Stryker couldn’t know such a thing. He needed to pick better words, because love was a big one that I was pretty damn sure Theo wasn’t ready for yet. Nonetheless, I allowed him to continue unperturbed.
“-he just needs to learn how to handle that. Try not to get scared off by his indecision. He’ll get there.”
“That’s not…the main problem.” I admitted gently “I mean, yeah, it’s just…a series of things? He’s confusing. He’s confused. And I understand because I felt the same way, but…”
I clamped my mouth shut. I didn’t feel like talking shit about Theo. He didn’t deserve that. Stryker had offered to listen, and I had a sneaking presentment that Theo talked to him too, but it didn’t feel right to me. Some things were better off not being said out loud.
I wanted to say that he had serious commitment issues- and I knew that because whenever he went out one of the men he’d gone with would tell us all about how he’d hook the ladies at the bar and drag them into the toilet for sexy times, and every time it hurt- that he took out all his anger on me sometimes, that he kept trying to convince himself that it was my fault that he liked cock, that sometimes he wasn’t fair on me, he didn’t realise I had feelings too, he didn’t realise that sometimes I’d rather he stab me than act the way he did.
But I didn’t say any of that because it didn’t seem fair.
Instead, I mumbled “I feel like he takes me for granted and that doesn’t feel amazing.” It was also true. For all of the reasons I’d previously listed in my head.
Stryker squeezed my shoulder gently and offered a small smile “he’ll come around. I promise, he looks at you like a lovesick puppy sometime.”
“Really?” I tried and failed to fight the smile creeping onto my face.
“Yep.”
We both laughed.
Theo
When I went out that night, got drunk and got dragged into some dingy bathroom by a girl who’d been trying to get into my pants for the better part of the night, the last thing I was expecting was for Matthew to walk in on us. Or the expression of betrayal on his face.
“Matt-“ I scrambled to chase after him, leaving the girl completely dumbfounded and by herself.
“Another slut you fucked to pretend you don’t give a shit about me?”
The raw emotion in his voice took me by surprise.
It hurt that I’d clearly hurt him. But it also made me angry, because nobody had ever said that I couldn’t fuck other people as well as him.
He could if he wanted, even though I wouldn’t particularly like it and I doubted he’d be able to find a man who was going to expose himself for that…
“Back off, Matt.” I snapped, feeling defensive “I always fuck chicks.” I spat, eyes narrowing on their own accord.
Matthew scoffed, turning away from me and shaking his head “you need to get your shit together.”
“Why?” I grit out “I’m not gay, we’re not together, I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
Matthew looked as if I’d physically punched him. Gaping, he choked “you fucking- you- we fuck at least once a week, how the fuck do you define that as not being gay? You said we were cool, you were snuggling with me, for fucks sake! It’s like I’m always going in bloody circles with you!”
I flinched. I hated that word. I wasn’t gay, I just enjoyed Matt more than the chicks I hooked up with. I wasn’t gay. I absolutely wasn’t.
“I’m done with this.” Matthew growled after I had stayed silent for a whole minute, lost for words.
“Don’t…you can’t…I’m done.”
“Matt-“ I tried, but he’d already stormed out of the pub. Great. Fucking great.
Stryker appeared as if out of nowhere, brows furrowed “that looked bad. You’ve been arguing a lot lately.”
I found myself bristling “you argue with Jack.”
It was true. There’d been a shit load of shouting matches going on between the two since the news of Raven’s pregnancy and Stryker’s dad’s death.
“Yeah.” Stryker replied slowly, raising an eyebrow “but you and Matt seemed to have gotten over that arguing phase from the start.”
We had. I was just an indecisive, insecure asshole.
Rather than admitting as such I stayed silent.
“You…” Stryker trailed off, swallowing hesitantly “ever considered that you might like both?”
I scowled instantly “what?”
“Theo, if you like both cock and pussy I really don’t give a shit, you know that, right? Hell, I don’t give a shit if you like cock full stop,”
“I- I don’t like cock, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”
“Just Matthew’s, then?”
I fell silent again. Yeah, that sounded about right.
Stryker sighed softly. I noticed that he looked exhausted- there were dark bags under his eyes, his shoulders sagged slightly as if there were a weight on them, and his cheek bones were seeming more prominent lately too.
“Fine.” Stryker muttered “I- I don’t care.”
“You’re arguing with Jack all the time.” I repeated, slowly this time, trying to figure him out “about what?”
“Stuff.” He grumbled “he’s…worried.”
“Yeah, you look sick, S.”
Stryker snorted softly “he doesn’t want to leave me and go on the side mission. Says I’m...in a bad place. He can’t just tell John-“
“Try him.” I laughed “he’s right,”
With a huff, Stryker shook his head “whatever.”
“Stryker.” I murmured “you have been eating, right?” He hadn’t. He hadn’t been at one single meal.
Stryker cringed. My eyes narrowed in concern. “Enough.” He replied eventually, shaking his head “listen, can you just…clear things up with Matt? You know it’s not fair on him, right?”
I bit my lip hard “I know.” I admitted quietly.
“I was fucking Octavia and Raven, y’know?” Stryker forced a smile “Raven for a long while, Octavia more recent. It’s not right. It’s not fair. I’ve stopped since Raven got pregnant, obviously, but…just saying, I kind of get what you’re thinking but the other person isn’t gonna appreciate it.”
“Dirty.” I remarked, smiling back at him “but I know. I will.”