EPILOGUE
Snow crunched beneath my feet as I crossed the icy graveyard, navigating my way between the grey headstones to find the one I was looking for. I wasn't so much looking as I was retracing my steps, because I came here so often I could find it with my eyes closed.
Sometimes I had nothing to say and simply sat there and stared and maybe cried. Other times I couldn’t seem to stop talking, imagining he were sitting in front of me listening with his warm hazel eyes and open expression.
I halted in front of it, a familiar shiver running through my body as his name, etched into the stone, stared back at me. I sat, uncaring that my butt would get soaked- it was already getting soaked.
“Hey, Matt.” I whispered, beginning to draw a dog’s face in the snow with my finger “I wanted to say…I finally talked to Dean. About me. And you. And everything. I just needed to tell someone who didn’t already know, you know?”
He had known, of course. To an extent. Not a large extent, though.
It had been nice, as far as nice goes when talking about your dead boyfriend; I’d talked about Matt and he’d talked about George and I’d realised that I’d never seen his face light up like that before and wondered if mine did the same.
“He, um…we all miss you. I miss you the most, obviously.” That was an understatement.
Every day without him felt like I was dying a little more inside.
“I quit, by the way. The army. I’m leaving next week.
I couldn’t…do it without you, and it’s stupid because in three years I’ll have to be back anyway but right now I think I would have died if I’d stayed.
” I paused, swallowing hard and trying to fend off the familiar sting of tears.
I stared at his name for a little longer, in silence. Pain hit me square in the chest.
“I don’t know how to do this, Matt.” I croaked, as the dam broke and the tears fell. There was nobody here to see me anyway. “I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know how to be here without you.”
I used to know. Before him. But now this was an after him, and I wasn’t anywhere near ready for that.
I’d never even allowed myself to imagine there would be one.
I wasn’t myself anymore- I’d let Coral shout at me without shouting back, I hadn’t touched alcohol in months because it had become dangerous for me, I couldn’t even think about hooking up with anyone without feeling physically sick.
I rubbed my hands together, trying to warm them up before they turned numb.
“I don’t want to be here without you.” I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut and exhaling shakily “it’s exhausting, Matt.
Being sad all the time. I’ve never been sad all the same.
” My bottom lip trembled and I had to bite back a sob “and it’s not fair, Matt.
It’s not fair. I n-never had a chance to love you the way you deserved.
We didn’t have enough time. We didn’t have any time and you’re gone.
” I inhaled sharply “everything feels wrong. I c-can’t-“ I ran a hand through my hair and tugged hard “I don’t know what to do. Come back, Matt. Please come back.” It was stupid.
Of course he wouldn’t. He would never cuddle me in bed, or shove me off him because he needed to make dinner, or make me his waterskin hot water bottle, or scold me about not following rules, or kiss me, or talk to me, tell me he loved me, call me lovely.
Never again. Nothing. His hazel eyes, filled with unimaginable warmth, would never look at me again.
“It’s not fair.” I repeated miserably, through my sobs and tears “nothing makes sense anymore. It- it wasn’t supposed to be you.
” I pulled even harder at the roots of my hair “you were everything and they took you away.” I hiccuped “they f-fucking took you away from me and I’ll never see you again. ”
I stayed like that for what felt like ages, crying, face getting slapped by the icy wind, body numb from the cold, in so much pain I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I hardly felt the hand on my back. I froze, wiping my face and turning around so fast I could have gotten whiplash. Dean. It was just Dean.
“He’s over there.” He explained, catching my eye and pointing to a gravestone a few feet away, not making any comment on the state of my face. “I can’t visit as often when we’re in Draelon, so I try to make up for in when we’re here.”
I knew that. It had become the same for me. Matthew had been buried next to his mother in Zeltron’s communal graveyard, not the military one. It had been decided- by his father, probably- that he wouldn’t have wanted that, and I agreed.
Dean hesitantly sat beside me “you’d been gone for a while. Stryker was starting to think that you were…” he trailed off. I figured I was better off not knowing what Stryker had thought. “I was heading here anyway so I figured I may as well check. Sorry. For intruding.”
“It’s fine.” My voice sounded hoarse “I…does it ever get better?”
Dean shook his head “no. You just get better at dealing with it.”
I flinched.
“I don’t know what to do without him.” I confessed “I don’t know how I can do anything without him.”
He shook his head, gaze filled with sorrow “it’s such a silly thing.” He whispered “we get honoured for killing men and…” he gestured towards the tombstone “this happens for loving one.”
I flinched. He was right. It hadn’t affected his service, it hadn’t affected anyone else except for him; It was silly and it wasn’t fair and I just…I wanted him back.
“It’s bullshit.” I croaked.
“Loving someone hurts no one.” Dean agreed “and killing someone affects so many people. And this is what they think is right.”
I didn’t reply. I couldn’t, because my throat was closing up as grief swamped me all over again.
We didn't exchange another word. He sat with me, though. For another hour. Whilst all I could think about were Matt’s hazel eyes and the smoothness of his voice when he’d tell me that he loved me. I cried some more.
Eventually, Dean prompted me to leave, said that otherwise we’d both develop a bad case of frostbite.
As if I cared. I wanted to catch pneumonia so badly that I’d stop breathing and die and be able to be with Matthew forever and ever, wherever he was now.
I hoped someplace nice. He deserved someplace nice.
But I didn’t voice those thoughts to Dean. Instead, I slowly stood up, cringing when my faulty knee locked up. I remembered the last time I’d injured it and I’d snapped at Matthew, but then we’d ended up snuggling on the sofa whilst Johnathan shouted at Jack, and then at us and Stryker.
I almost started crying again.
“I love you.” I whispered to the gravestone, once Dean was out of earshot.
“I’ll always love you.”