CHAPTER 37
Theo
When Stryker came in, the numbing shock gave it’s way to unbearable grief.
I stood frozen for a minute, eyes locking with his.
A shuddering breath left my lips, in such a rush I felt light-headed.
I put a hand on the wall, trying to plant my feet, trying to think, but the world was turning too quickly, and I was spinning, spinning, spinning-
My legs gave out and I gasped convulsively, grabbing for the chair beside me, but my foot hit the chair leg, and it crashed to the floor along with my knees.
I sobbed, the noise catching in my throat, horrible and raw.
I was shaking so hard my arms almost gave out from under me.
Then, suddenly, there was someone tugging me into a tight, unyielding embrace, hands coming up to grip me by the neck, digging into bone-stiff muscle.
"It's okay,"
Stryker said, voice low and so damn gentle.
"It's okay, man."
"It's not-it's not goddamn-" I sobbed into Stryker's shoulder, words burning around the lump in my throat.
"Everything that- I should've-I-should've kept him awake, I- it's on-" the words stopped coming, dissolving into a frenzy of pained noises.
It took me a second to realise the noises were coming from me.
I felt Stryker loosen his arms around me, and I couldn't help my hands twisting into his shirt, holding onto him shakily.
"My fault," I bit out, so desperate and furious, almost. Furious at myself for falling apart, for not being able to keep Matthew awake, for bringing him to the stupid pub, for not realising something was wrong, for not finding him sooner, for not helping him fight, for sobbing all over Stryker right now, who was already going through enough, who was mourning his dad and his sister and Jack and most definitely Matthew too and didn't need-
"Theo." Stryker's voice broke through the haze in my head "it's really really not your fault"
"I- he- he can't be- Stryker, I can't-" I couldn't even formulate a sentence. My mind was in a frenzy and I couldn't-
"Theo, I get it, believe me, I really do. And you need to take a deep breath for me, okay bud? Deep breath"
"Stryker" I gasped "I can't, I can't, I can't-"
"Hey" Stryker said sharply "Theo, calm down. I get it, but having a panic attack about it right now isn't gonna help anything-“
"Stryker" I repeated, tugging him closer, not caring about how pathetic I sounded.
"please, Stryker, make it stop, make it stop, I don't- I can't - Stryker-“
"Christ Theo" he breathed softly "hey, hey. Buddy, you gotta calm right down, okay? You gotta pull yourself together, bud-“
"Can't" I gasped, shaking my head frantically, the tears not stopping, not even minimally, and the unfaltering sobs alternating with wheezing breathes and choked whimpers and small, panicked gasps "I can't- I can't think, I can't- it hurts, god, Stryker, it hurts-“
"Shh" he shushed soothingly "okay, I understand, okay?
Shh" he rubbed my back "breathe" he said, holding me a little closer.
I shook my head frantically "my fault" I repeated, breathing ever shallow but speeding up "I- I should have known that- I was- I told him- the pub, the stupid pub- he-my fault, all my fault-“
"Theo" Stryker said firmly "none of us could have known this was going to happen, and he doesn't blame you, he would never blame you and would never want you to blame yourself either-“
"But I do," I sobbed. "I should have seen and- I- and I didn't stop him from leaving, I didn't- I thought-he died because I didn’t follow him out- Stryker-“
"Okay, bud. You've really got to-“
"M gonna be sick" I croaked, scrambling to get my feet back beneath me. Stryker sat back, running a hand through his hair as I stumbled into a corner of the room and retched.
Octavia came in, eyes wide. "What's wrong with him? She asked, “is...” her eyes fell on Matthew’s limp form on the bed and she silenced, swallowing hard.
"I don't...he's having a bit of a breakdown-" Stryker cleared his throat and got off the floor, waiting for me to finish up. Octavia seemed to hesitate, seeming to be wondering whether to say something comforting or nothing at all.
I shivered, sniffed. "Hotshot?”
"Yeah, bud?”
"Why does it- why does it hurt so much?”
Stryker shook his head "I know, bud. I know."
I walked back over and collapsed back into him, sobs wracking my body. Octavia looked scared, like she'd never seen and she'd never expected to see me like this.
"You'll be alright" Stryker whispered. I just shook my head “please” I whispered “please, I want him back, I want him-“
Stryker let out a breath, closing his eyes.
“Leave us.” He said to Octavia. She sent one last look at me and left.
“Theo” he murmured. I let out a soft sob.
“I’m going to have to cancel the meeting with John.”
I’d forgotten about that. Couldn’t even remember what it was for. I swallowed hard “I can-“
“No.” Stryker cut me off, tone gentle “you can’t. Just breathe, try and calm down.”
I shook my head “I-I can’t. Stryker, you get it- you know-“
“I know.” Stryker agreed “and I think it’s best that you calm down.”
“I can’t.” I grabbed his arm tightly “Freaks, Stryker. He’s dead because some freaks thought he was gay. I- I…”
Stryker held me for ages. Let me sob and shake against him until I was too exhausted to anymore and simply shivered in his arms.
“Let’s get you to bed.” Stryker murmured, lifting me off the floor. I staggered to my feet but leant against him heavily.
I had no recollection of getting back to the base, or of getting into bed with Stryker beside me.
It became a habit after that.
“Stryker.”
He awoke to me shaking his shoulder. He moaned, rolling over and away from me “fuck off dude. Don’t wake me up twice.”
I’d already awoken him because he’d stolen my blankets.
“Stryker” I repeated “can we go for a walk?”
“Are you mad?” he hissed back, keeping his voice low to avoid waking anyone else. He rolled over to face me and squinted up at me. “Are you crying?”
“No…maybe.”
Stryker frowned and slowly sat up “nightmare?”
“Kind of.”
I’d dreamt of Matt. He’d been there, and he’d felt so real, and he’d been talking to me and telling me how much he loved me and he’d moved in to kiss me and then I’d woken up and he wasn’t there and he wasn’t telling me he loved me and he wasn’t kissing me because he was dead.
And I was going crazy. I was sure I was going crazy.
Stryker’s frown deepened. I swallowed and sat beside him, wrapping my arms around him in a hug. Stryker blinked, surprised, then slowly hugged me back.
“What’s going on, Theo?”
“I- I don’t know. Something weird, and I- I’m scared-“ I was panicking, and it must have shown because Stryker sat up straighter and soft ‘hey’s began falling from his lips. “Relax, yeah?” He said, and I swallowed. Hard. “Talk to me, okay? You want to go for a walk, yeah? Let’s go.”
He gently pushed me away so he could get up. He picked up a random sweatshirt hanging over his chair and pulled it on, then grabbed a pair of shoes by the door and gestured for me to follow.
“What’s going on?” He repeated once we were outside.
“I…god, S. I dreamt about him.” I said slowly “and- and I woke up and I just really needed a drink. But- but there wasn’t anything to drink.
” I ran a shaky hand through my hair “but I really really needed a drink, S.” I had tears in my eyes “so I drank loads and loads of water u-until I got sick. Stryker, I was t-trying to get drunk on water.”
I’d developed a very bad alcohol problem this past month.
Stryker fell silent for a long moment “are you taking anything?”
“N-no.”
Stryker nodded slowly. He sighed “you know…I…when dad died I was bad.”
“I know.”
“But you don’t.” Stryker sighed again “Jack stayed with me, remember? When I…took time off. And he swore he’d never speak about it.”
“…yeah?” This was knew information to me.
“I was going crazy, Theo.” He chewed his lip “I was off mumbling in the shower about how much I wanted to kill myself because I deserved it and I’d let my own dad die.
Jack couldn’t sleep at night because he was so worried he’d wake up to find I’d hung myself.
When he did sleep, I was waking him up screaming.
I was so…stuck into my own head that I can’t even remember half of it.
” He swallowed “if…I’d drink a lot, yeah.
Jack banned the alcohol in the house. He stayed with me at night, and during the day.
Made sure I ate because I wanted to starve myself.
I was horrible to him, I wanted him to go away so I could just get it over with. He never did.”
He glanced over at a very quiet me “he encouraged me to take some meds, and to…to talk about it.”
“I’ve talked about it.”
“I know.” Stryker sighed again “Raven had the same problem. She’s scared it’ll come back. Just…it’s something you have to do alone. All I can do is keep you away from it.”
“I know.” I said quietly.
Stryker squeezed my arm “come with me.”
I followed without questioning, eyebrows arching once we reached the stables.
“Stryker, I don’t know if-“
“Shut up. And here.” He took a joint out of his pocket and rolled it, lighting it and handing it to me “your hands are shaking.”
He opened the stable door and walked up to Shadow, the horse that his dad had left for him. I followed, hanging back.
“Tack up River, Theo.”
“Okay.” I said quietly. I was equally as quiet as I followed Stryker, not even asking where we were going. I blinked when we reached the beach.
“Come on.” Stryker grinned “we’re gonna let off some steam.”
He didn’t give any warning before vaulting Shadow and launching him into a canter. I watched him for a moment, shocked, then shook myself and copied his example.
“Hey! Speed up!” Stryker shouted. I rolled my eyes, the wind screwing with my hair as I flew across the sand.
Stryker veered towards the water, splashing into it, and I knew River had just gotten soaked.
She didn’t seem to care, racing after Shadow until she caught up to him.
Stryker shot me a grin. Some of the weight on my shoulders had eased, so I grinned back.
“You know” Stryker shouted “I’d watch River with this one.” He patted his horse’s neck
“Why?”
“Shadow’s as bad as me with the ladies.”
I laughed loudly “shit.”
We slowed after a while. Stryker glanced over at me, expression serious “I’m thinking…of quitting.” He mumbled, sending a jolt through me “the army, y’know? I think…I need some time. After everything.”
I understood that. It made sense.
“You should too.” He whispered “you’re not doing well. You’re having nightmares every night. Your performance is shit. There’s no point.”
I swallowed hard. I knew he was right. I’d considered it.
“Maybe.” I whispered “maybe.”
We didn’t speak another word of it.