Chapter 67
Thank the Gods, the room still smells of Kyor.
I lie on the bed and bury my head in the pillow, drinking in the faint whisper of him in the fabric before sitting up and moving to the desk where his drawings remain scattered.
I’ve never looked through them before. I’ve wanted to, but he’s never offered to show me.
Now, though, he’s not here for me to ask him permission, and I’ll do anything that gives me a chance to feel closer to him.
The top drawing is of Zelle, fighting through a storm.
Water drips from the old man’s beard, but even in the monochromatic shades of charcoal, I can tell the storm is of Kyor’s making; there’s just something about the way the clouds streak across the sky.
The commander holds his sword arm raised as if he’s about to strike, and a playful grin twists his lips, the type he almost solely reserved for fighting with Kyor.
Is it a real memory or just a representation of how they felt when they used to train together?
It’s impossible to know, but it doesn’t change the feeling that emanates from the page.
One of respect. Of loss. Of a mentor – a father – sadly missed.
Beneath the drawing of Zelle, there are two of Elska: one of her prowling through the forest, the other of her face alone.
Once again, he’s captured the two colours of her eyes in nothing but tones of black and grey, but it’s her body that I can’t draw my eyes away from.
The way he’s shaded her so that her white paws fade into the white of the paper is utterly masterful.
A prince, a fighter, a protector, an artist. I have to wonder if there’s anything this man can’t do.
I lift the papers and begin to flick through them, stopping on a drawing of me.
Me asleep in his bed, hair splayed across my face, arm folded up over my head.
I should look a mess, yet somehow, the way he’s captured me, I look, well …
beautiful. As I stare at my own image, my heart burns beneath my ribs.
I suspect he drew it while he was avoiding lying too close to me, trying to be a gentleman.
I was so angry at him at the time. Angry at him for not wanting me the way I wanted him.
But this … this shows just how wrong I was.
Even I can see that. See the yearning in his lines.
I want to crush the paper to my chest, but instead I lay it back down reverently.
I flick through several more images – some of buildings, some of weapons and animals – until I reach another person.
Or rather, two people. It’s one of the smallest pictures, and yet the level of detail in it easily surpasses the rest. It looks as though Kyor came back to work on this one time and time again.
The woman is sitting in a comfortable-looking chair, with a book on her lap and a child at her feet.
The child has a pencil in his hands and is scribbling on a piece of paper.
There’s no sign of a crown or even a ballgown on the adult, no hint of palace luxuries in the background, and yet I know exactly who I’m staring at: Kyor and his mother, the son and the mourned queen.
It’s a perfect portrait. The ease with which she sits. The light smile that traces the curve of her jaw. And while there’s no visible interaction between the two of them, you can feel the connection they share just being in each other’s presence.
I didn’t know it was possible for a picture to show so much love, and yet here it is …
With a burst of guilt at invading Kyor’s privacy, I grab the papers, wishing to straighten up the pile. In my hurry, one of them drops to the ground.
As I pick it up, a cold chill runs down my spine.
It’s me. Me standing in the temple, dressed in my rags from the slums. If the picture with his mother is the epitome of peace and love, then this captures pain and rage.
My face is harsh, and pure hatred jets out of my eyes.
It stabs me to my core, knowing that this was how I looked to him in our first meeting after so long.
He knew my identity even then, and though that hatred wasn’t there then, when I didn’t know his name or who he really was, it came, and he was right to anticipate it.
Tears leak down my cheeks and guilt hollows out my stomach. I press the heels of my hands to my eyes to stem the tears, and I wish to all the Gods that I’d told him that I love him. That I’d said the words aloud. If I die in the Ofur, and he doesn’t even know…
I sniff back the tears. Any thought of sleep I had is gone.
He’s still here, I remind myself. Still alive and safer than he was in the Retterheld. I should be grateful that he is no longer part of this, but it’s not that straightforward, and not just because I wish he was still with me.
He might be safe, but I’m not. I know these powers are growing stronger; I can feel them changing and shifting, and I have no idea how to control them.
It was one thing back when my green magic came through.
That was expected and I had my mother to guide me.
But this … this is magic I know nothing about, appearing at a time when I should have nothing. I suddenly feel piercingly alone.
I need something to do, and the library seems like the perfect distraction.
When I reach the temple, I stand in the middle of the aisle, shifting my gaze between the altars of the seven Gods.
It seems like the right time to pray … but to which one?
I’m hoping that perhaps one will speak to me, though any sign would be useful, but in the end, there’s nothing.
And so I thank them all, finishing with Etta and Aitara before descending the steps to the library.
I wonder whether Caroline will even be there. Even without seeing her I know she won’t be okay. Hell, I’m certainly not. But hey, misery likes company, right?
I’m still on the second step when a voice echoes through from the depths of the library.
‘No, I told you already, Sanrott himself was encapsulated in stone! Not just his power, but the very God! Why would you just write, “Sanrott’s power”?’
‘Sorry, I’ll make that amendment now.’
Caroline’s response to Rohan is tired. Weary.
As if her spark has gone. Though I can’t exactly blame her.
The fact that she’s still able to cope with Rohan’s ranting at all …
well, it’s more than I could take. Knowing she’s there, I move even more slowly, still not sure if I’m going to approach her.
Yet, as if she’s able to sense my presence, she turns to look at me.
‘I’m sorry, Rohan’—she stands and pushes her chair back—‘I’m going to have to finish now.’
‘Now? But we’ve already been interrupted once today!’
‘This bit about Sanrott sounds like a part of the tale we need a whole session for, not just the end of one,’ Caroline replies diplomatically.
I can tell from the scowl on Rohan’s face that he’s not having it.
‘I would think you’d have better grace than to refer to my family’s legacy as a tale, and I’ve got half a mind to—’
‘Time’s up, Rohan,’ she snaps sharply. ‘If you want to find another scribe that’ll work with you, then good luck. We’re done for today.’
My jaw drops. This is definitely a side of Caroline I’ve not seen before. I wait for Rohan to put up more of an objection, but instead he merely mutters to himself as he grabs his cane and ambles off.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Rohan,’ Caroline calls after him as he disappears between the shelves, no doubt regretting her sharp tone.
Only when all we can hear are his footsteps and the clicking of his cane does she turn to me.
‘Congratulations,’ she says dully. That’s it. A single word.
My skin prickles. ‘Congratulations?’
‘On surviving the fourth trial. I heard it was touch and go.’
‘Right. Yeah.’
Her shoulders are stiff. Her face is expressionless. ‘I heard it was an interesting turnout for the prince, too. The rumour mill is having a field day with it. Not to mention the bookies. He was everyone’s favourite.’
‘Right.’
‘I take it you and he are … something.’
Something. I can’t immediately think of a better word to sum up what Kyor and I are, but then again, the last thing I expected when coming here was to talk about him.
‘Yes … listen, I saw Llin’s mother, Morwenna, on the island. Met Carys, too.’
For the first time, Caroline’s facade flickers and pain flashes in her eyes. ‘I assume you’re here because you want something. After all, that’s the only time you turn up, isn’t it? So what do you want, Rose?’
It’s a direct hit and the words cut like a knife in the windpipe because of how true they are.
‘You’re right, I shouldn’t’ve come. I’m sorry. I’ll find it myself.’
I twist away from her to stare at the maze of books. I have no idea where to start.
‘I don’t want to blame you, you know,’ Caroline whispers as I start to walk away. ‘I know you didn’t do it deliberately. That you didn’t know the drink was poisoned. But I can’t help it. I can’t help wishing it was you instead.’
I freeze, vision blurring, and look back at her. ‘You’re not the only one who wishes that, Caroline. I promise you.’
Her breath hitches and she shakes her head. ‘I’m sorry. That was cruel of me.’
‘It was justified,’ I murmur.
‘No, it wasn’t. You loved her too.’
‘Not in the same way.’
‘No, but you still loved her.’ She glances up at the ceiling as she wipes away the tears, then looks at me as she inhales again. ‘So what do you need?’
I’m still torn. She wasn’t wrong when she said I only come here when I need something, and I’d hate for her to think that’s all I want this friendship for – for how she can help me. She and Benny are the last fragments of my best friend that I have. But without her help, I’m at a complete loss.
‘Okay, so the latest trial was getting around a kraken.’ I watch her closely. She doesn’t look surprised by this.
‘I heard. That’s crazy.’
‘Right. Well, I was just wondering if you have any books about them. About krakens. Or perhaps the people who could communicate with them. Whether that’s a traditional magic thing, or I don’t know … maybe something other people in other kingdoms can do?’ I try to sound as casual as possible.
Benny would be able to read the lie straight away, and even Llinos wouldn’t have been quick to believe me, but Caroline is wearing an expression I can’t read.
‘Well, turns out there is a book about it,’ she says. ‘But I only know that because someone else found it. Someone else who was looking for exactly the same thing you are.’
‘Somebody else?’
Chills run down my neck only to spread into a warmth of relief. Kyor, I think. Kyor must have got to it first. He said he’d help me in whatever way he could, and he is.
I clear my throat, trying to keep my pulse steady. ‘Who wanted it?’
She nods towards the back of the room, implying I need to turn around.
My heart stutters at the thought of seeing Kyor again so soon, and somewhere we can actually have something close to privacy without breaking any rules.
Only as my eyes fall on the figure does the fluttering turn into a heavy weight that sinks to the pit of my stomach.
‘Me.’ Jonas steps out of the shadow, his focus narrowed on me. ‘I’m the one who wanted it.’