Chapter Thirteen Earning the Reputation #2
Love was love, no matter the form, and as far as he was concerned he needed to fear it more than he wanted it. Otherwise, he would make decisions that forced him to put the clan in danger.
“Ahem.”
The sound stopped him. He whirled around, and there she was.
The sun reflected off her flushed skin, her eyes warming in the evening light, her hair glowing around her.
His body wanted him to rush at her and hold her.
He wanted to kiss her again. He wanted to hold her against the wall and take her there. Even so, he knew he could not.
“Ye shouldnae be out here at this time,” he said, his voice rough. “Ye are the Lady of the clan. ‘Tis nae safe.”
“Well, ye left me alone this morning,” Alice said sweetly, slowly walking toward him. “And this afternoon, and this evening. I want your attention again.”
“Ye want my attention again?” he asked. “After last night?”
“I do,” she nodded, getting closer to him.
“Why?” he asked, his pulse racing, his pulse rising in his ears.
“I always want your attention,” she admitted, putting her hand on his chest. “And maybe my need for your attention makes me do things I shouldnae be doing.”
She felt his heart thudding under her hand. Evander watched her expression as her eyes flicked down to his chest and then down further to his manhood. Just her looking like that made his blood run hot. He tried to step back, but she stepped with him.
“You like that I need ye attention, do you not?” she asked, almost sounding breathless. His breath hitched.
Nae. I cannae do this. I need tae tell her.
“Alice,” he whispered, reaching to grab her wrist. Alice looked up at him, thinking that was an invitation. She rose onto her toes, reaching up to kiss him.
Evander gently put his hand over her mouth.
“I am sorry,” he whispered softly. “We cannae do this.”
Alice looked at him, confused. He slowly took his hand away from her mouth, going to hold her wrists, stepping back from her.
“Evander?” she whispered.
“What happened last night,” he started. “It was a mistake.”
He watched her eyes widen and get glassy again.
“Wait, no, do not say that,” she whispered.
“Alice, I should nae have done that last night. I cannae love ye,” he started, attempting to keep his voice steady. “It is for ye own good. Nothing good comes from love.”
“Stop—”
“We should just perform our duties and produce an heir,” he said. Alice’s breath caught, tears slipping down her cheeks.
“Do not say that,” she said, her voice trembling and meek.
“I will give ye anything ye want,” he whispered. “Anything but my heart.”
He felt her go weak, his grip around her wrists being the only thing to keep her upright. Her breathing got harder and faster, her tears streaming down her cheeks again.
“You do not mean it,” she whispered. “You cannot. Not after last night.”
“I do,” he said. “I am sorry, Alice, I am. But—”
“No,” she said, managing to regain her strength. “Stop saying that!”
“Alice—”
“Stop lying to me!” she shouted, her voice carrying across the training grounds. “First that wench at the tavern, now this?”
“Alice, listen to me, she has nothing tae do with this,” he insisted.
She wrenched her wrists out from his grasp. His eyes widened. She hated that he looked almost hurt in that moment.
“Do not act like the wounded party,” she whispered. “You have hurt me every chance you have gotten. I do not even believe your apology from last night any more.”
“But—”
“No,” she whispered. She looked at the sword in his hand and then over at the training dummy he had been attacking. “I will leave you to your training.”
Her voice had gone flat and cold in a way he had never heard from her before.
Not for the people who had attacked her, nor her brother, nor even the servants around the keep.
It sent a chill down his spine. He had expected anger or tears or shouting.
The quiet, distant tone was worse. As she turned, some part of him realized the magnitude of his foolishness and for one brief moment it was allowed to take over him.
“Alice, wait!” he cried out, trying to reach her as she turned away. For a moment, he felt his heart sink through him. He wanted to run after her, grab her, hold her.
If he could just do that, he could fix this, he could fix her. He could… He could…
This is exactly why I cannae love her.
His hand dropped to his side and he watched her leave. He knew if he broke now, then he would break for her every time.
He could not be weak for her.
Not now.
Not ever.
He pressed his lips together and stood tall again, looking down at his sword.
He could not choose her. He would not choose her.
Slowly, he turned back to the sand bag, hitting it again and again.
Sandbags did not complain, even when the sword finally splits through them.
Sand spilled out onto the ground, and he was left there, breathing hard.
Alice stormed away, barely aware of her feet thudding on the ground as she put as much distance as possible between herself and Evander. Her tears burned her eyes as she raced back toward the keep doors. They thudded hard behind her, locking out the outside world and Evander.
She pressed her back against the cold wood, sliding down until she crumpled on the floor of the entryway. She did not care who saw her. Her chest heaved with the effort of holding back a sound that very badly wanted to be a scream.
“Anything but my heart”. The words repeated themselves, over and over, each pass cutting a little deeper than the last had.
The memories of the night before now felt tainted.
That was not a man caring for her. That was a man performing a duty, using pretty words to curry favor with the wife he had hurt earlier.
That was what felt cruelest. Not that he did not love her.
She might have believed that before and been able to make peace with it in time.
Many women made their peace with marriages built on duty and nothing else.
What she could not make peace with was the push and pull.
The way one moment he looked lovingly at her, and the next he pushed her away. That hurt the most.
After a moment, the cold stone of the floor started to make her legs ache. She stumbled up, tears still streaming down her face, and attempted to climb the stairs, her legs shaking under her.