Chapter Fourteen Distance and Walls
Chapter Fourteen
Distance and Walls
Alice pulled herself up the stone stairs of the keep, ignoring the servants coming down.
They pressed themselves out of her way. Some looked worried, others shocked, some pitying.
Her legs carried her without her fully deciding to move, taking the stairs two at a time when she had the strength to, despite the way her skirts tangled around her ankles.
She wondered how much of the household had already heard them at the training grounds or how many of them already knew more about her own marriage than she did.
Her chest suddenly felt too small for her heart and lungs.
Each breath came shallow and fast, each heartbeat feeling like it strained against her skin, and by the time she reached the top of the stairs her vision had gone unfocused.
It was swimming at the edges, with tears blurring the hallway that led to her chambers.
The murals on the walls went from the images she knew well to balls and smears of color.
She felt used. That was putting it politely. She had been told that she would have to lie with her husband to make an heir, but she had hoped that Evander would want more than that. She had hoped for more, and now that hope hurt her.
Did he only say those sweet things last night so I would lay with him?
She felt bile rising up her throat.
THUD
Alice gasped and stepped back.
“I am so so—”
The smell of bluebells filled her nostrils. Her heart sank and she looked up at the woman who she had seen in the tavern.
“Oh my, are ye quite alright?” the woman asked, her voice soft and breathy.
Why is she here?
Has Evander been making a fool of me for all of our marriage?
“I-I am fine,” Alice lied, wiping her eyes.
“That is…” the woman’s voice trailed off, and then she grinned. “Oh, ‘tis ye, the little wife.”
Alice felt her cheeks burn with humiliation.
“And you are the woman who was kissing what was not hers last night,” Alice bit out.
“I can see that now,” the woman grinned.
“What business do you have here,” Alice asked, stepping forward.
“Oh, did ye nae ken?” the woman asked, leaning down slightly so she was looking Alice in the eyes. “I am often quite welcomed in the keep,” she giggled.
“Welcomed?” Alice whispered.
“Aye,” the woman nodded. “Ye are nae the only woman who has ever existed in the chambers of the laird.”
“You are not needed anymore,” Alice hissed.
“I dinnae see why not,” the woman snickered.
“I do not want you here!” Alice almost shouted. Her heart was thudding in her chest, her ears ringing, the blood rushing to her cheeks.
“Och, dinnae be so stubborn, little lamb,” the woman cooed. She ran a slender finger under Alice’s chin, forcing Alice to look into her eyes. The woman grinned. “Perhaps I could teach ye a thing or two about what yer husband enjoys.”
Alice felt her heart break in her chest. She felt her breathing quicken, her mind fuzzing over, her hands shaking.
“I do not want to see you here again,” Alice said, storming past her. She pushed the woman away.
It was hard for her not to think about Evander and her together. About what could have happened had she not arrived at the tavern when she had.
She did not remember the last stretch of the hallway, nor turning the handle to her door. Her mind was still snagged on the woman’s voice, low, amused, utterly unbothered by the fact that she had just gutted a stranger in the corridor.
By the time Alice managed to shut the door behind her, her hands were shaking too badly to lock it.
Out in the hallway, the woman rolled her eyes and giggled.
“What a sensitive little lamb,” she snickered before a door behind her opened. Keith glanced out.
“Was that—?”
“Dinae worry about her,” Sorcha said, walking toward him. “Ye have someone else tae care for.”
Keith glanced around, down the hallways, to be sure no one else saw them. She laughed softly and reached for the front of his shirt.
“Ye worry too much,” she said in her usual breathless way. Keith laughed softly.
“Ye ken I dinnae wish tae upset naebody with ye presence,” he said.
“I am welcomed here,” she said, planting a kiss on his cheek. “And there is no one watchin’ us that matters.”
“Oh, I missed you today,” he chuckled before pulling her inside his chambers, the door shutting behind them with a soft click.
Alice collapsed onto her bed, sobbing into her pillow.
Her lungs burned as she coughed and hiccuped.
She curled under the blankets, pulling her knees to her chest. Some part of her was almost convinced that if she could make herself smaller, it would all hurt less.
She thought of Evander, his careful touch, and the way he had pushed her away.
She thought of the woman in the hallway.
I should have known better than to hope for Evander’s affections.
She had long been past hoping for affection back in Yorkshire. She should have done the same here. If she could believe that her family did not need to hold affection for her, why was it so hard to believe her husband would feel the same?
I have only come here to be humiliated. I have been hurt again and again. I hate her. I hate Evander!
“My lady?” Molly called from outside the door.
“Are ye quite alright?” Catriona called out.
“We were informed ye had been crying,” Siobhan said at the door.
“Go away,” Alice sobbed. “I do not wish to see anyone right now!”
“Och, my lady,” Molly said softly. “Did something happen when ye went tae see the laird?”
“Och nae, what did he do tae hurt ye?” Catriona asked sadly.
“Do ye need us tae speak to him?” Siobhan asked, followed by the sound of Molly smacking her shoulder.
“Ye cannae say that,” Molly hissed.
“He is nae here tae hear it,” Siobhan scoffed. “And perhaps he deserves it.”
“He is the laird,” Molly replied.
“And he is currently hurtin’ our lady,” Siobhan said.
Alice stormed over to the door and pulled it open. The maids startled and pulled back from the doorway before they took in her expression and red eyes.
The maids quickly ran inside her chambers. As soon as Alice shut the door, Molly wrapped her in a tight hug.
Alice sobbed into the maid’s shoulder, clinging to her back.
“My lady, what has happened?” Catriona asked softly.
“Please, speak tae us,” Siobhan said.
Alice shook her head.
“I dinnae—” she hiccuped. “It is too shameful.”
“Whatever has happened, we wish tae help,” Catriona said gently.
“We are here for ye,” Siobhan added. Molly nodded in agreement before moving Alice back toward her bed and sitting her down. Molly then crouched in front of her, holding Alice’s hands.
“It… It is the laird,” she hiccuped. “I… I believe he—” she bit her bottom lip. “I believe he is havin’ an affair.”
The maids gasped and their eyes widened. They looked at each other.
“An affair?” Molly whispered, looking back at Alice. “My lady, tell us, what has happened?”
“The-the laird went t-tae the tavern last night. The-there was a woman who kissed him,” Alice said, her voice shaking.
“Then he promised that it was not what it had appeared to be and he bedded me.” She closed her eyes.
“But when I went to find him today, he pushed me away. He told me he could not love me, that last night was a mistake. And then, I came back inside and… And…”
She covered her face, crying again.
“Breathe,” Molly whispered, rubbing Alice’s arm.
Alice nodded trying to take a long, deep breath. She sniffled, her nose threatening to run.
“I came inside,” she whispered. “And the woman was here. She said that she should teach me what he likes.”
The room went quiet.
“The laird, havin’ an affair…” Siobhan said softly. “Even I dinnae think I could have predicted that.”
“The laird may have a murky past,” Catriona said. “But his integrity has never been questioned before.”
“That dinnae mean he is unable of doin’ somethin’ like that,” Siobhan said.
“We are just surprised,” Molly explained. “We believe ye though, and even if we didnae think he could do that, we believe ye, my lady. We understand ye have been hurt badly. We are on ye side.”
Alice nodded, still crying.
“What am I meant to do?” she whispered, her voice trembling. “I cannot just hide in my chambers all the time, but I cannae stand to see that woman or Evander again.”
“Then dinnae see them,” Molly said.
“What?” Alice asked, blinking hard.
“Avoid him,” Molly said. “Nae because ye have done somethin’, nae because ye have proof, but because if he is havin’ an affair, then ye are protectin’ yeself, and if he isnae, then he will realize that he has made a grave error.”
“But…” Alice stuttered.
“Nae buts,” Molly shook her head. “Remember what we said, some men wish tae chase, and some wish tae be chased.”
“Chase me?” Alice repeated, wiping at her cheeks. “He does not appear to be the kind of man to chase anyone.”
“That is because he dinnae ken what he was chasin’ yet,” Molly said simply.
“Men are foolish creatures, my lady. They can have large, complex feelings, but in the end there is very little they truly want. Sometimes, they dinnae ken the worth of somethin’ until it is nae longer easy tae reach.
Ye have tried the option where ye are in easy reach, ye have given him all of ye, now, ye take it back until he can prove he can be a decent gentleman. ”
“I still think I should give him a piece of my mind,” Siobhan muttered, earning another warning look from Catriona.
“Ye will do nae such thing,” Molly said firmly. “Ye cannae take revenge for our lady. There are some things that only our lady can do for herself.”
“I wish I did not,” Alice whispered. Molly turned to her, giving her a sympathetic look.
“I ken, my lady,” she said softly. “But ye are in this position now, and it will be easier tae guard ye heart if ye put some distance between yerself and the laird. Then, when he is good and ready tae grovel at yer feet and act as a laird should toward his wife, then ye can consider if ye wish tae give him another chance.”
“I see,” Alice whispered.
“Ye have had a hard day,” Molly said. “Let us help ye out of this gown and into bed. The rest can wait until morning.”
Alice nodded slowly, but her mind felt distant from her body.
As the maids helped her out of her dress and into her night clothes, fussing over her in their usual fashion, she could not help but feel she was watching what was happening as opposed to experiencing it.
They brushed her hair with gentle, practiced hands, before helping her braid it to sleep in.
It was the closest thing she had felt to comfort that she had experienced all day.
It was the kind of feeling that her husband should have given her. No. Evander could not decide what he wanted from her. And now, there was that other woman skulking around the depths of the keep.
Catriona and Siobhan left once Alice was ready for bed. Molly stayed a moment longer before getting her some warm milk. When Molly returned, she did not leave right away. Instead, she sat on the edge of the bed with Alice, quiet for a moment, watching Alice’s face in the low candlelight.
“My lady,” she said, her voice even softer than it had been before. “For what it is worth, I dinnae think ye foolish for hopin’ that he may care for ye. Ye deserved tae hope. Dinnae let today convince ye otherwise.”
Alice nodded, her expression neutral.
“Thank you, Molly,” she whispered.
“Ye are welcome,” Molly said, patting Alice’s hand. “Now, sleep. Ye will feel better in the morning.”
Alice nodded, letting Molly go.
As the maid left, Alice slowly slid herself so she was sitting with her back against the headboard, her legs under the blankets.
As Alice sat alone she let her mind drift until it settled on what she wanted to do.
I will give him the silence he deserves.
Sleep would not be easy, but like the walls she was building around herself, it would be necessary.