Chapter Fifteen What He Misses
Chapter Fifteen
What He Misses
It had been two weeks since the encounter at the training grounds, and Evander had been in a state of malaise ever since.
He had not noticed he was not eating as he should, but the staff did.
He was not sure why sleep did not come to him easily, but he was sure he knew every indent and ridge of the ceiling of his chambers by heart now.
Each time he was near Alice, he felt the urge to apologize or hold her again. Each time, he stopped himself. What he found strangest, however, was that he missed her.
For the first week, he had felt confused.
She was still his wife, she still sat next to him at dinner, she still went with him to see the people in the villages when it was necessary.
It was only after the first week that he realized what it was.
She had not spoken to him. Not without him initiating the conversation.
Even then, she seemed uninterested if the topic was not about the clan or the people in the villages.
He had told himself that her silence was simply proof he had done the sensible thing.
A wife who did not chase him, who did not weep at his door or beg for explanations, was a wife who understood her place.
That was what he had wanted, was it not? Peace? Distance? A marriage built on duty?
That is what he had told himself.
But peace, it turned out, was not what he found. He found himself watching for her at meals, waiting for her to speak even though she never did.
Now he was watching her through one of the large windows in the Great Hall.
The sun was shining in her hair, making it glow like a halo around her head again.
Several women from the surrounding villages had come up to see her.
Her maids were walking with them, fussing over Alice, caring for her.
Children were running around them all, crying out and playing.
A little girl fell over near Alice’s feet.
Before the girl could even start to cry, Alice had picked her up and was wiping the mud from her cheeks.
The little girl settled in Alice’s arms, leaning into her like a child would cuddle into their mother. It made his heart ache.
For a moment, his mind wandered to what she would be like with their child.
Holding them. Giving them affection. He knew what kind of a mother she would be.
Patient. Unhurried. Sweet. She laughed at something one of the older women said to her, and for a brief moment he realized he could not remember the last time he had made her laugh like that.
He knew he had seen her laugh once. The fact that he could not remember if it was him who had made her laugh or someone else bothered him more than he cared to admit to.
“Ahem.”
He turned to his captain.
“I am sorry, could ye repeat that,” Evander said, running a frustrated hand through his hair.
“Ye were nae payin’ attention,” Keith said, folding his arms.
“My mind is elsewhere,” Evander grumbled.
“I am sure it is,” Keith said, looking out the window.
“I am glad ye wife is doin’ well. I was worried when she arrived that she would be too scared tae take on the role of Lady.
I should nae have judged her so. She is makin’ a fine Lady, and the clan loves her.
I should ken. That lass is Ealasaid’s girl.
She has nae clung to anyone but her mother since the day she was born. ”
“And now she is clingin’ tae my wife with nae a worry,” Evander said, looking back outside again.
“Aye,” Keith nodded. “Ye chose her well.”
“I hardly chose her,” Evander said.
“Well, ye jousted for her after mildly insulting her brother, I see little difference,” Keith said with a chuckle. “Speakin’ of her brother, the Crimmons have sent for another order of horses.”
“Another?” Evander asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Aye, it would seem that they are keen for more,” Keith nodded. “The deal is goin’ well, and they are happy.”
“I dare say they have nearly ten horses now,” Evander said.
“They are impressive horses,” Keith grinned. “Ye ken what those Englishmen are like. Looks over substance.”
“Would seem so,” Evander said.
“They are happy, the clan is thrivin’, and yet our laird does nae seem happy,” Keith said, folding his arms.
“I am tired,” Evander said. “Ye dinnae need tae read much into that.”
“I ken ye well enough tae ken when ye are more than tired,” Keith said, his tone becoming more serious. “Ye are thinkin’ about Fiona again, are ye nae?”
“Dinnae speak of her,” Evander hissed, wheeling around to face his friend. Keith held up his hands in a placating gesture.
“Ye ken I was makin’ a point,” Keith said. “And I ken ye are torturing yerself because ye refuse tae let go of the ghosts of the past.”
“I am protecting the clan,” Evander said, stepping into Keith’s space.
“Perhaps,” Keith said. “Or, is there the possibility that ye’re just protectin’ yerself? There is a difference, ye ken, between a laird keepin’ his people safe and a man hidin’ behind duty or fancy words so he does nae have tae feel anythin’.”
Evander felt himself deflate somewhat at Keith’s words, trying to find the right point to disagree with. It was easy to forget his friend was also the captain of the guard. He had to understand his tactics. And Keith was turning all of that knowledge against his laird.
“Ye dinnae ken what it was like,” Evander said, quieter.
“I ken enough about heartbreak,” Keith said, patting his shoulder. “And I watched ye after, and I have watched ye these past two weeks. There is a strikin’ similarity between the two.”
“There is nothing I can do about it,” Evander sighed, pulling back from his friend.
“Ye may think that,” Keith said. “But I think ye missing something. I ken ye’re ignoring yer life because ye’re stuck in the past. Life is right there, in front of ye, and ye’re refusing tae reach out and grab it.”
“I need tae look after the clan, that should be my only concern,” Evander growled.
“And that is where we disagree,” Keith said. “In fact, I believe if ye’re goin’ tae be so unhappy, ye should at least enjoy yer present.”
Keith stepped back, grinning.
“Sorcha! He’s ready for ye!”
Evander frowned at his friend. The doors to the hall clicked open, and Sorcha walked inside. She had her usual smirk on her face, her eyes focused on Evander. When she got to him, she knelt in front of him like she used to on those long, lonely nights.
“Evander,” she said, her voice soft. “Ye ken I can make ye happy.”
Looking down at her, Evander felt the usual bodily reactions that came with seeing a pretty woman in such a position. And yet, they were lessened. His mind was clear as he looked down at Sorcha.
“Leave me be,” he growled, stepping back from her.
“Dinnae be that way,” she said, crawling toward him.
“I dinnae want ye here,” Evander hissed.
“Ye have never had a problem with me bein’ here before,” she cooed.
“I dinnae wish ye tae be here now,” he snapped.
“But ye used tae adore my company,” she said softly. “Do ye nae want me any more?”
“Nay,” Evander shook his head. “I dinnae want ye.”
“And there it is,” Keith said, clapping Evander on the shoulder.
“What are ye talkin’ about?” Evander asked.
“If ye really dinnae love ye wife, then any hot-blooded man would have let what was intended tae happen happen,” Keith grinned. “But nae, ye just rejected a beautiful woman.”
“I am just—” Evander started, then stopped. He looked down at Sorcha, who was pouting up at him, her curves barely contained by her dress. All at once he understood what he felt. Not lust. Not even a flicker of affection.
He felt nothing.
“I…” Evander started.
“Keith, ‘tis nae be fair,” Sorcha pouted on the floor.
“Fair is fair,” Keith replied, helping her up.
Evander sighed. “I need tae go.”
“Already?” Keith asked as Evander rushed past him. “But we have nae finished!”
The last thing Evander heard as he walked away was the sound of giggling.
Evander leapt up the stairs toward his chambers, taking the steps two or three at a time.
When he got to his chambers, he took a small brass key out from his pocket and opened the bottom drawer on his chest of drawers.
Inside, there were letters. Some had heather pressed into the seals.
Some had his brother’s handwriting fading into the parchment.
He picked one up slowly, one he had read many times since that day.
The paper had creases in it from the amount of times he had folded and unfolded it.
The day this had arrived, he had almost thrown it away. He pressed the seal that he had carefully cut around against his forehead.
“Ye may have wronged me,” he whispered. “But I shouldnae have brought my wife into this.”
Alice deserved better. He knew that. His brother had loved recklessly and selfishly, in a way that had almost cost the clan.
Evander’s fear of doing the same thing had cost him nothing but his wife’s trust. If he continued this way, it would cost him more.
He would lose all of her. Not just her trust or her voice.
But everything about her that he had not known he would miss until she had pulled it away from him. He took a shuddering breath.
“I should have kenned,” he whispered. “I can protect the clan, but I dinnae need tae punish my wife for somethin’ that was nae her fault.”
He stood there for as long as he could hold the letters until he was ready to face her.
Downstairs, Alice crept inside the keep again.
She had no intention of accidentally meeting Evander when she had been in such a good mood today.
She had spent most of the last two weeks fighting herself and trying not to accidentally talk to him.
In truth, she had felt lighter in the days since.
It was not that she enjoyed being apart from him, she still got the urge to run to him whenever she was upset, but it was more that she was glad to not be wondering about his mood or who was in his chambers.