Chapter 40 Theo
Outside of my condo building, my knuckles turn white with the blazing desire to hit my father for what he just said. For Lexie. For Olivia. Does he know about the other women? Has he known all along? I’m torn between my need to finally have this out with my father and my need to go after Lexie.
The latter wins, and I turn my back on my father and sprint after Lexie before she disappears at the end of the block. I manage to grab her arm, but she yanks it away and glares at me with red-hot fire in her eyes.
“Don’t you dare fucking touch me,” she barks, and marches down the sidewalk. “Don’t ever touch me again.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck, it’s not supposed to be like this. She just needs to listen. “Wait, please, just give me one second to explain things.”
The blinding sun scorches my face as I fall in step behind her, Lexie marching through the crosswalk.
My brain fires on all cylinders, thoughts colliding and choking me.
Don’t let her get away. She has to understand.
I did this for her. And my father—he fucking knew?
That sadistic, evil bastard did this to punish me.
He saw the way I wanted Lexie back then, couldn’t stand the attention not being on him, and he let her dreams get crushed just to hurt me.
She storms to the end of the block, then looks out at the neighborhood. Her eyes are frantically flicking back and forth. We’re on a side street, no taxis, blocks away from a subway station, and I’m not letting her fucking leave until she talks to me.
“Just, wait, please, let me explain,” I beg.
She faces me with such raw anger in her eyes that I step back.
“I asked you, Theo. I asked you if you knew me, and you said you didn’t.
You fucking looked me straight in the eyes and said you didn’t.
” Her lips are trembling, and everything in me wants to take those away. “You’ve lied to me this entire time!”
She’s going to leave. Please, please, don’t leave. “I know, I know, but there’s so much more—”
“You ruined my fucking life! Do you know that? I was going to be a psychologist. A doctor. I don’t come from money like you do. When I got expelled, they stripped my scholarship, and I couldn’t go to school.”
Oh God, no, I mean, yes, but that’s not… shit, shit. “Wait, no, I mean, you got kicked out from this school, but you could’ve gone to a different one. I just thought you’d go to NYU or something. Why didn’t you transfer? With your grades and—”
“How fucking obtuse are you? Seriously. Do you have any idea of how the real world works?” Her words snap like a spiked whip, ripping into my flesh.
“You don’t get to bring a scholarship from school to school like a fucking Black Amex.
You get expelled, that money disappears.
And when I applied for new ones the following year, they all got rejected because of the expulsion. ”
Beads of sweat pop against my back. That was not what I meant to do. She had to get away from my father, she had to get away from me, but I thought she could just use it…
“I worked my ass off my entire life. Do you have any idea how much shit I had to wade through to actually make it out of my neighborhood and into a prestigious private university? I gave up friends, my childhood, for this dream, and you destroyed it.” Tears flow, and she swipes at them with angry hands.
“Why would you do this? Is this because you knew how much I liked you and devised some sort of sick fucking twisted game of getting rid of me?”
The words hit me with such force that I feel my body sway. What? What the hell is she talking about? “No, no, that’s not true. You were with my father. He was pulling you in. You wanted him.”
“What in the absolute fuck are you talking about? I was never interested in your father. I was only ever interested in you. I used to wait for you to stop by at the coffee shop I worked at. Every time you came to your dad’s office, I’d get flustered, hoping you’d talk to me even though I knew I wasn’t good enough for you and…
fuck you. Seriously, fuck you.” She spits out the frantic, flustered words with harsh fury.
“Even so, how dare you strip me of my entire future? You’re fucking sick, Theo. Sick.”
The way she’s looking at me, the pain, the anger, the betrayal, twists my stomach tight with the realization that I’m losing her.
But… this isn’t true. She’s confusing reality.
I saw her everywhere because I looked for her.
I went into his stupid office all the time just to catch a glimpse.
I talked to her at the coffee shop, and she gave me the same polite smile she gave everyone else—nothing more.
The one time I asked her out, she ditched me for my father.
I’m going to choke, my veins are tight cords strangling the air from my chest. She doesn’t understand—but she has to. I had to get her away from him.
I pull her into me, desperate to keep her from leaving. She slaps at me, but I keep my hold. If she can feel me—feel my presence—she’ll understand. She’ll know I’m sincere, that everything I did, I did for her.
“Why did you do this?” she asks, pushing me, scratching me, flailing against me, and I take it. I’ll absorb the hits and claws ripping at my chest, the frustration and the tears, as long as she’ll listen to me. “Why?” she pulls back, breathless and wiping her tears. “Why did you do this to me?”
“I was saving you.”
“Saving me? Are you actually serious right now?” She pulls in a ragged breath. “You’re so fucking delusional. You ruined me, Theo. You didn’t save me.”
No, she doesn’t understand. There were the girls that killed themselves, and the ones that dropped out, and the ones that got into drugs, and the ones he ruined, and she doesn’t understand…
“You didn’t know what you were getting in to.
You couldn’t have known.” I inhale hard to slow my chaotic thoughts.
“My father ruined so many lives. You didn’t understand what he was capable of.
You don’t know who he is. He would’ve damaged you beyond repair. ”
The tear-filled eyes have swapped with white-hot anger. “I never asked to be saved. I didn’t need to be saved.”
She can be mad, that’s fine. It means she still cares.
She can yell at me, hit me, scream at me as much as she wants, as long as she stays.
“My father is a vindictive man. I told you about Oliva and the others. He takes what he wants, when he wants. He’s a predator.
I saw him like that with you, and I had to stop it.
You understand that, right? He manipulates and lies and deceives everyone. ”
An ice-cold look passes her face, crystalizing her spring-green eyes into a sharp, dark emerald. “So, you’re telling me you are just like your father?”
I freeze like she slapped me. My molars grind. “I am nothing like my father.”
“You are exactly like your father.” She pulls her head high. “You lie. You manipulate and destroy. You use people for your own pathetic selfish gain, and for what? Did the world really not hand you enough? I cannot believe I thought any of this was real.”
Terror rips through me. “No… no, it is real. This is real.” Christ… my inarticulate words are falling flat. Right here, right now, she needs to hear me, whatever it takes. “This is the most fucking real I’ve ever been.”
She pulls her quivering lips into her mouth and exhales sharply through her nose.
“Listen to yourself. You are getting married in two weeks. You destroyed my life and had every chance to tell me the truth—and you didn’t.
You lied to me for months. You fucked me, kissed me, and held me all while pretending our past didn’t exist. None of this is real.
You see that, right? This,” she gestures between us, “is not reality.”
My gut burns so tight and hot I don’t think it will ever settle. Don’t leave me. “Please Lexie, just hear me out.” Desperation drives me. I will stay here, get down on my knees and beg if I have to. “Five minutes, Lexie. Come on. Please.”
“I can’t, Theo. Fuck… fuck…” A choked sob breaks free, and she clamps a hand over her mouth. “I’ve… always just been a game to you.”
“No, no that’s not true. This isn’t a—”
“Stop! Just stop.” The raw, exhausted pain in her voice guts me to my core.
“Lexie, please.”
The gut-wrenching sob impales my soul.
She’s completely broken.
I broke her.
She swipes at her tears like she’s angry at herself for breaking and I’m so desperate to hold her I think I might collapse.
She pulls in a sharp, shaky breath. “You’re responsible for the two most shameful periods of my life.
Do not talk to me after this. Do not call, do not text, do not come over.
” The words cut me like a blade. “I’ll finish planning the wedding.
Not because I’m a professional or a better person.
But because you left me no fucking choice.
You stole that from me. You. Not your father.
” Her eyes narrow with unfathomable darkness.
“I never, ever want to see you again. You’ve done nothing but bring me misery. ”
She rushes over to the edge of the sidewalk and waves down a cab. Even though I don’t want to let her go—though I know I could scoop her up, carry her back to my apartment and force her to stay by my side forever—though everything inside me has shattered and bled out onto the pavement, I step back.
She doesn’t even look at me when she gets into the taxi. The door slams shut, and they take off.
I drag my hands down my face. “Fuck!” I scream.
I stand there, praying she’ll come back.
She doesn’t.