Chapter 9
ELIZABETH
“What am I doing?” I stared at myself in the mirror and wondered if I was losing my mind. Well, I was. There was no denying that. Here I was, in my thirties, single, and about to have dinner with my ex.
It was odd because most days, I didn’t think of Atlas Carter. Yes, it was a near-constant theme in this town and within my thoughts, but technically, I thought of him as just Atlas.
There was before-Atlas, and then after. The moments with him felt as if I were a different person.
Even now, I was a completely different person than I had been when we had been together.
And it wasn’t just growing up or letting time pass.
In this moment, however, it wasn’t any of those things.
I didn’t know how we had gone from texting to casually having dinner.
It wasn’t as if I had known this was coming.
Whatever this was. Atlas and I had fallen into this pattern, and I wasn’t sure how we were supposed to get out of it. If he even wanted to.
I had no idea what I wanted, so that wasn’t even an issue.
I leaned forward and touched my fingers to the glass, knowing I’d have to clean that later. I wasn’t seventeen and blushing and worried about what was to come.
I had the beginnings of laugh lines, far more freckles than I had when I was younger, and everything was just at the point where I knew sagging was coming for me.
And honestly, I didn’t care about any of that. It had never bothered me. Aging was a blessing. I knew that firsthand, considering I was still grieving with every ache of my soul and body. My parents were gone, and they’d had decades together.
Why did I feel like I was running out of time and yet facing the abyss of timelessness?
“What are you doing, Elizabeth?” I asked myself out loud.
What I was doing was being purposefully late to Atlas’s house because I was scared.
There. I put it out there for everybody to know. I was scared of what it meant to want him. And I was afraid of what it meant to not have him.
We had fearfully traversed our lack of relationship over the past decade by not talking about it.
By allowing ourselves to be in the vicinity of each other while the town spoke in front of us and behind our backs.
While our friends wondered how they were going to deal with us in the same room.
We had been there for each other, and yet had always put up our boundaries because that was how we could survive.
But as soon as Atlas had come back this last time, it felt as if those boundaries had been tossed into the wind, torn into a thousand pieces, and left me breathless.
Things were progressing, changing. We both knew it. Slight touches, the kisses, the moans. The needs. There was no denying it.
And I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do when it came to denying him or myself.
I grabbed my bag and told myself this would just be dinner.
A simple dinner. And yet, when I went to open the front door, there he was, leaning against the porch railing, looking far too good.
I’d put on a sundress and sandals because it was hot outside, and I liked the yellow linen.
He’d gone with a white T-shirt and snug jeans that showcased those hockey thighs. Damn the man.
It was hard enough not to think about him when he wasn’t looking sexy near me. Now he looked as if he were ready to burst out of those clothes, all muscle, and everything.
When I finally met his gaze, doing my best not to let my stare go on too long when it came to certain parts of anatomy, I realized that I wasn’t alone in the eye-fucking. He winked at me, his teeth gently rubbing against his lip.
“I thought we were having dinner at your place.”
“We are. Did you think I was just going to let you walk over there alone?”
“He’s behind bars,” I whispered, knowing we were both still thinking about Will’s foster dad.
They’d waylaid him with a bunch of charges, and nobody had paid his bail yet.
Will still wasn’t letting us find him a roof to sleep under, but he was letting us help with other things.
I was just glad his foster dad was out of the picture.
Atlas’s gaze went stony. “While I can’t stop thinking about that man and what he did, that isn’t why I’m here.”
My heart raced, and I swallowed hard. “Oh?”
“Of course I’m going to pick you up at your door. What kind of man do you take me for?”
“That is a very loaded question, Atlas Carter.”
His lips twitched, and then he moved forward, light on his feet, a cat on the prowl.
When he slid his finger along my jaw, my mouth parted.
His eyes darkened, and I knew he wanted to kiss me.
And some part of me—well, nearly every part of me—wanted him to.
But I was afraid once he kissed me, there would be no going back.
And I didn’t know where that path would lead.
“As much as I want to kiss you right now, if I do, I’m taking you inside, and then we miss dinner.”
“Who says I would let you?” I asked, both of us knowing full well that if he kissed me, I would let him.
“We don’t need to lie to each other, do we?”
“How about we go get dinner? I’m starving.”
“Well, I can’t let you waste away.” He took my hand as I closed and locked the door behind me. When he tangled his fingers with mine, it was as if there were flashbacks to a time before. Where there were always worries, always cares in the world, and yet they had been different. Far more innocent.
Both of us were striving for futures we couldn’t bear to be apart from, and yet a relationship that had tugged on every ounce of our beings.
By the time we traversed the short path to his place, I nearly glared at him.
“You know, I’ve always wondered why you decided to build here.”
He froze for an instant before he opened his door, the smell of roast chicken and dumplings filling the air.
“You remembered,” I whispered.
“We love chicken and dumplings. It’s one of the few things that I’m good at making. It’s not exactly on my salmon and brown rice dietary plan, but for this instance, I don’t mind.”
“We could have done salmon and brown rice. Those are both good options.”
“For tonight, though, I wanted chicken and dumplings. And as for building on this property, technically, this house was already here when I bought the place. And land in Ashford Creek is hard to come by. I was just lucky that I could find something.”
“That just happened to butt against my house and neighborhood?” I asked dryly.
“Honestly, I thought it was a heaven or hell situation,” he said with a shrug, the truth in his tone nearly buckling my knees.
“Which is it? Heaven or hell?”
“I think that answer would change daily, don’t you?” he asked, a sigh slipping through his lips. “You know, I’m not good at this.”
“Not exactly sure what you’re talking about, but I have a feeling you’re wrong there. You’ve always been good at this, Atlas.”
His lips curved into a small smile. It was the sadness in his eyes that really melted me.
“You’re grieving, and here I am, inviting you to dinner, both of us not knowing what the fuck we’re doing. I’m taking advantage.”
I took two steps towards him, my heart butting loudly in my chest and the vibrations tingling my fingers. “No. There are many things between us, many issues we need to work out, but you are not taking advantage of me.”
“Lizzie.”
“No. I am an adult making my own choices, even though I don’t know what those are right now.
But I know that whatever’s happening right now would’ve happened regardless.
I’m in pain, and will probably be for the rest of my life, but for some reason, you seem to be the steady one. And that should scare me.”
Because even if it was just for the summer, I could do this. Could take what I wanted. For the first time. Could stop being the perfect girl, because perfection had left me alone before.
He cupped my face then, and leaned down, brushing his lips along mine. I sucked in a breath, so afraid, and yet I couldn’t back down, not when I had just revved myself up.
“Sometimes I don’t know who is at the center of our orbit, and who is the one spinning in all directions, beyond confused.”
I gave him an odd look. “While the idea of me being stationary in Ashford Creek would seem that I was the center of the universe, we both know that’s not true, Mr. Superstar NHL player.”
“But you’re my universe.”
I stepped back then, needing a moment to breathe.
“Don’t,” I said. “Don’t say things like that, as if a decade hasn’t passed.”
“I’m not saying things differently. And I’m damn sure not lying.”
“Our problem has never been a connection, Atlas. I’m marked on your ribs just like you were etched on my skin, and we have always taken care of each other.
Over the years, if we’ve needed something, we have done it.
Maybe our friends and family never understood, but we’ve been there for each other.
But we can’t just fall—” I let out a breath.
“We can’t just fall into each other. You can’t just fall into this. ”
Even though I had told myself that I could just do this, that it was just this summer, I knew it had been a lie, even for those mere moments.
“Lizzie, I’ve always loved you.”
And with those deep words, it was as if ice crawled through my veins. I took a step back and raised a brow. “Really? Are you serious right now? You have to be kidding me.”
His eyes widened. “I tell you that I love you, and you look like you can’t believe it?”
“You said that you have always loved me. You loved eighteen-year-old me. You loved the girl that you left behind in college.”
“We agreed—” Atlas began.
I held up my hand. “No. We’ve lied to each other long enough.
We may pretend that we bathe ourselves in truth, but that’s not the case.
You were always meant for greater things, and you left.
And I was the one who stayed behind. I wouldn’t have had a future if I had stayed with you. If you had looked back once.”
“I looked back all the fucking time!”