Chapter 9 #2
“We aren’t Orpheus and Eurydice. Nor are we Hades and Persephone.
We are none of those myths amongst truths.
You couldn’t look back, and I understood.
And neither one of us waited. You know that.
” My throat tightened, and I hated myself just a little bit for even saying these words.
But if anything were to happen beyond this moment, the truth needed to lie between us.
“I have always loved you,” he repeated.
“Really? Then our form of love has been draped in pain and forgetfulness. The accidental nature of our hurting one another seems rote at this point.”
“Lizzie—”
“I didn’t wait for you. I moved on. Just like you did. But I had to learn to love myself more than finding someone who always saw me as second best.” Tears pricked my eyes, and that’s when I realized I had been the one lying to myself all these years.
Atlas’s face went ashen as his eyes widened. “That’s not— that’s not how it was. We had different futures planned, and we agreed that we wouldn’t be able to make it work.”
“And we wouldn’t have. We aren’t kids anymore, Atlas. And we still have different lives. Neither one of us waited.”
“It was always you. But I couldn’t stay behind.”
You didn’t ask me to stay.
The words left unsaid…until now.
“I didn’t ask you to stay behind. Don’t you see?
It was an impossible situation. I couldn’t get a full ride at your school.
I wasn’t an athlete. And they didn’t give academic scholarships like that.
I couldn’t follow along and hope that you would make it into the NHL so that I would be cared for and never have to worry about money or a job or anything.
That’s not how life worked, and I had to be the one to realize that.
I had to be the one who stayed. I don’t hate you.
I don’t hate myself. But I am not your cross to bear. ”
“You never have been. Don’t you see? We aren’t those people we were when we were eighteen. We’re not making those decisions anymore. For fuck’s sake, Lizzie, we have different decisions to make now.”
“Don’t you see I know that? I know you’re looking at a future that you are so uncertain of, and I’m afraid that you’re looking behind in order to find your steadiness. I know you want to retire, Atlas. I see it all over your face.”
“I haven’t said those words. Don’t say those words.”
“Because you’re scared. That makes total sense. I’m scared too. I’m so scared that you’re afraid of what your life is going to be like after you leave something that you’ve put your entire soul into, and so you’re clinging onto what was, and not seeing who I am now.”
“I have always seen you.”
“I know that. At least partly. But there are so many uncertainties in your life, while I am clinging to the edge of normalcy here. Between your career and whoever the hell hurt you, there’s so much in the unknown, and I don’t want to be the one who forces you to make those choices.”
He cupped my face again, his eyes full of anger. “Never. You’ve never been that for me. You’ve always been my Lizzie.”
“But I haven’t.”
He pressed his forehead to me, his chest heaving as he took deep breaths. “I love you. And I’ve hated parts of me. I’ve hated parts of my life because you weren’t in it.”
“Atlas,” I whispered, tears freely falling down my cheeks now. “So love me now.”
“How is it any different from what I said?”
“Because you said you always loved me. And I don’t know if I could take that. So don’t break me. Because this town has done enough for both of us.”
“Elizabeth,” his voice a gasp.
“I keep saying these words, trying to put the truth out there, because I’m scared.
Because you’re going to go back to Portland, and I’m going to stay here, and the truth is that you’ve always had a part of me.
You took that away, and I’m the one who let you do so.
I don’t know. I don’t want you to go, but I need you to.
I don’t want you to love me, but I need you to.
And I don’t want to love you, but I do. I so fucking do. And that scares me.”
“Out of all of that, I heard the words that you love me. Along with cursing. And you never used to curse like that.”
“I’ve learned a lot when you were away.”
“Let me love you, Lizzie. Please.”
I looked up at him then, and knew that I was lost. Not in the future or the past, but in him.
“Do you think dinner can wait?” he asked, his voice low.
My lips spread into a smile, and I tucked my fingers into his belt loops. “Well, I suppose you need to get a good workout before you eat all those carbs.”
And with that, the emotional energy that pressed on both of us cleared ever so slightly, and he took my mouth again.
He pulled me closer, one hand on the back of my neck, tilting my head so he could have me in exactly the way he wanted, the other reaching down to grab my ass. It slid my dress up slightly, and I moaned.
“You have no idea how long I’ve thought about this,” he whispered as he kissed down my neck. I leaned into him, shivering.
“Let’s not talk about how long I’ve waited. Or any imaginary things that might have happened.”
“Wait a minute.” He pulled back, his hands sliding to the front of my dress. My eyes widened as he slid my dress up and brushed his knuckle along the front of my panties.
“Do you touch yourself while you think of me, Ms. Elizabeth?”
“I’m not answering that,” I said so primly that he snorted.
“Well, does it make me a horrible person that sometimes I think of you when I get myself off?”
“Atlas,” I said with a laugh.
“What? You’re so fucking beautiful it’s hard for me to breathe.”
“I would say the same about you, but you have enough of an ego as it is.”
“I’ll have you know that my eyebrow’s Instagram account is soaring right now.”
“I’m one of the trolls on it, if that helps.”
He grinned then and took my mouth again.
This time it was heavier, both of us grasping at one another.
He picked me up with one arm, and I gasped into his mouth as he carried me to the bedroom.
Dinner forgotten, I wrapped my arms around him, needing his touch, until he set me down at the edge of the bed.
“I’ve been dreaming about this for far too long,” he whispered as he kneeled between my legs.
“You know, we’re a little out of practice when it comes to this. We’re not exactly the same people that we were the last time we did this.”
“Well, if I had known it would’ve been the last time then…” He let his voice trail off, and I let out a soft sigh. I slid my hands through his hair as he tugged my dress up over my hips.
“I have missed this,” he groaned, before leaning down and sucking on my tattoo.
It had been such a stupid thing to do, considering his jersey number could have changed at any point, but because Atlas was the star he was, that number was the only one he’d ever had.
He sucked and licked at the tiny tattoo that nobody could see, not even when I wore my bathing suit, and I let my head fall back.
“Mine,” he growled, biting down.
I sucked in a breath. “Mine,” I said as I moved and traced my fingers along his shirt over the tattoo I knew that held my name.
“We’re both idiots, you know.”
“You are on your knees between my legs, and that is how you want to start this?”
“Neither of us covered up our tattoos, Lizzie. How the hell were we supposed to fully move on?”
“I don’t want to think about that right now.” The idea of Atlas with all of those women that he was connected to in the media made me want to throw up.
Atlas cursed under his breath and then leaned forward to kiss me hard on the mouth.
“I’ve never. I haven’t been with all of those women.
I know neither of us wants to talk about other people while they’re in my bedroom, because it’s just you and me right here.
But the media lies. And random celebrity pop stars need good PR.
But I’m not it for them. It’s been you, Lizzie. Just you.”
I knew he wasn’t saying that he hadn’t slept with anyone else in over a decade.
After all, I had tried to be in a relationship over the years.
It had never worked out, and we all knew the reason why.
Anybody who got too close to me knew what that number meant.
Knew who had branded themselves on my skin and my soul.
But that didn’t matter right now. All that did was this moment. So I nodded, and then Atlas leaned forward, pressing his nose against the seam of my panties. I’d groaned, leaning back on my forearms as Atlas worked my panties off, my knees spreading to the side.
“I’ve been missing this,” he said softly, and I knew he was staring. A blush worked its way up my body, but I didn’t look down. If I did, I would close my legs, and this would be over. But I needed Atlas’s mouth on me. I just needed Atlas.
With a soft sigh, he licked at me, and I let out a gasp.
He licked and sucked, spreading with his fingers, and I let my legs come up slightly, one leg wrapping around his shoulder, the other settling on the bed.
He spread me, going deeper with his tongue and his fingers, and before I could take a breath, to ask for more or tell him to stop, the orgasm hit with full force, and my eyes rolled to the back of my head, my entire body shaking.
“Dear god,” he growled next to me, and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I could barely think with the blood roaring in my system.
I finally opened my eyes to see Atlas standing there, shirtless, his hands on the button of his jeans.
I sat up then and slid down the straps of my dress, knowing that if I didn’t do it now, it would get tangled later.
My dress bunched at my waist, and since I hadn’t worn a bra, Atlas let out a deep throaty purr at the sight of my breasts.
He leaned forward and cupped one with his large hand, his thumb gently caressing my nipple.
“Oh, the dreams I’ve had of these.”
“You’re ridiculous,” I said with a laugh, but I didn’t tell him to stop. Then he lay down and took one nipple into his mouth, but I pulled back.