Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
IVY
He’s on the ice with his team, and I can see it written all over his gorgeous face just how fucking happy he is. This is better than Christmas morning for my man.
But I’m watching him like a goddamn hawk.
If one person comes in bodily contact with him, I will lose my shit.
Xander has been cleared by me and the rest of the medical staff to join the team for no-contact practice.
Which means he can participate in skating and puck drills, passing, shooting.
He can participate as long as no one touches him, and he can’t be on the ice long.
It’ll be short practices for him for a while, but he’s on the ice, and that’s a huge step.
He’s clearly loving every single second of it, and his teammates are thrilled too. He received such a warm and excited reception, it brought tears to my eyes.
This is where he’s supposed to be.
And I obviously need to just breathe and work through my stupid anxiety, knowing that he’s coming back to hockey. I have to trust that he won’t get injured again. That he won’t get any more brain injuries, and he won’t forget me.
Forget us.
Because that’s my worst nightmare.
“He looks good.”
I glance over and see Brit walking over to me, and I wrap my arms around her in an excited hug.
“Hi, pretty girl.” I missed her. I know she’s a new friend, but I feel like I’ve known her forever, and she’s quickly become my best friend.
“Sugar, you look badass as all get out, standing here with your arms crossed over your chest, watching your patient on the ice.”
I laugh and turn back to watch Xander. “He’d better follow the rules or he will pay.”
“He will,” she says with confidence. “He doesn’t want to fuck this up. That man wants to get back to work.”
“You’re right, he does. Hey, what are you doing here? Aren’t you usually at the store by now?”
“Coop said you guys would be here this mornin’, so I wanted to stop by to say hi. And we might have been married for a decade, but any excuse I can get to see my man, I take it.” She winks at me. “He’s damn delicious when he plays. Don’t forget, we have the WAG dinner tonight.”
“I haven’t forgotten,” I assure her. “What do I need to bring?”
“Nothing. There will be plenty of food. I’m having it catered, so don’t even worry about it. Just don’t back out on me.”
“I told you I’d come, and I will.”
She nods, and I turn to watch again. Xander and Cooper are working through passing drills. He’s not favoring the knee, and he’s been out there for almost an hour. If the coach doesn’t pull him off the ice in a few minutes, I will.
There’s commotion on the other side of the rink, catching our attention.
“They fight each other?” I demand. “In practice?”
“Honey, they’re hockey players. Of course they do. But they don’t usually get too rough.”
I lift my brows because this looks pretty damn rough to me. Gloves come off and fists fly, and I can see that Xander wants to wade in there and knock some heads together.
Don’t you dare.
Cooper holds Xander back, bless his heart, and the fight breaks up. One of the guys’ helmets came flying off.
“His helmet,” I murmur.
“A punch to the face is a punch to the face, helmet or not,” she reminds me. “These guys are strong.”
She’s right.
He doesn’t have to hit his head on the ice or the boards to be injured. It could be a punch, or he could accidentally take an elbow to the chin. For fuck’s sake, he could hit his head getting out of the car.
Anything could happen that would make him forget me.
“Hey, are you okay? You just went really pale.”
I shake myself out of my own thoughts and force a smile.
“Yeah, sorry. I get nervous. Must be the medical professional in me.”
But she doesn’t buy it. Brit’s eyes narrow. “Uh-huh.”
A whistle blows, and Xander skates off the ice, stopping in front of his coaches to talk.
“Looks like they’re going to wrap up,” Britney says. “I’ll head in to work. But I’ll see you tonight. Feel free to come early, and we can sample some of the food before everyone else gets there.”
With a grin, I nod at her. “Sounds good. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”
Britney heads out, and I join the other medical staff as we talk to Xander.
“Any instability?” I ask him, watching his face closely.
“No, I felt good. Any hesitation was mental. The knee feels normal.”
“It’s your first practice, so that’s to be expected,” someone else says, and I let the others do the talking as I soak in all the information around me.
“Let’s go stretch,” I say at last. “And cool you down.”
Xander nods. “I’ll just go change and be right there.”
He winks at me before he walks into the locker room, and I turn around to find the head of the team medical staff, Dr. Watkins, smiling at me.
“Uh-oh. Are you smiling because I’m in trouble?”
He laughs and shakes his head. “Not at all. We’ve all been impressed with Xander’s progress, and the bulk of that has to do with the fact that he had you working with him.”
I feel the flush make its way through my cheeks, and I nod. “Thank you. He was eager to heal, and honestly, he’s my favorite player, so I want to see him back on the ice too.”
Dr. Watkins nods. “I’d like to offer you a job, Ivy.”
I blink at him, sure I’ve heard him wrong. “I’m sorry?”
“We’d like you to join the team permanently and work with any players that need you.
We always try to keep injuries minimal, but there’s usually someone who needs to work out a sprained shoulder, tweaked ribs, and the occasional torn knee.
You’re excellent and would be a valuable asset to the team. ”
Holy shit.
This is literally my dream job.
“Sir, you need to know that Xander and I—”
“I know.” He shrugs a shoulder. “You’re nothing but professional when we’re working together, but I see it. Obviously I wouldn’t ask you to not be with him, but I would ask you to refrain from any other relationships with our players.”
I snort at that. “Xander would kill us all. I wouldn’t do that.”
He waits quietly, watching me.
“I think I need to think about this. I’m honored that you offered me the position.”
“We would sit down and talk about salary and benefits, your schedule, and everything else if you’re interested in the job.”
“Of course.” I take a breath and nod. “Thank you.”
“You have my number. Just let me know.”
He nods and walks away, and holy fucking shit.
Do I want to leave Montana? Do I want to quit my job?
It would give me the opportunity to be with Xander all the time. No long distance relationship for us.
But what if it falls apart and I’m stuck working for his team?
Stop thinking about it falling apart.
“Hey, Red,” Xander says as he strolls out of the locker room. “Ready?”
“Of course.”
I know I’m spiraling.
I feel it, and I can’t stop it. Because I’m terrified.
I haven’t had anxiety like this in a while.
Since Xander and I have been together, which seems like it started the moment I walked into his house, he’s been able to calm me without even trying.
He soothes me just by being close to me.
I didn’t freak out when my mom was at her worst or when the bar burned down.
I took all that in stride, really. Of course, on the outside, I never show how badly I’m freaking.
That wasn’t an option growing up with my mother.
She wasn’t exactly the reassuring type. So when the bullying got to be too much in high school, or just everything Brenda did sent me into a spiral, I kept a smile firmly on my face.
And died a little inside.
No one ever noticed. Maybe because I didn’t have close friends, or because no one cared enough about me to pay attention.
Despite doing so well over the past months, I’m not okay now.
All I can think about is Xander getting hurt and forgetting me.
It started when he mentioned that he had to come to Denver for work, and as this trip got closer, and then after that shift at the hospital the other day with the dementia patient, it’s all I can think about.
I’m driving myself nuts. I know I’m being irrational.
But I can’t stop it.
Thanks, anxiety.
And now I’m at Brit and Cooper’s place, sitting with about ten other wives and girlfriends, eating amazing Tex-Mex, and drinking the best margarita I’ve ever had.
But I’ll stop after one because I always stop after one.
“Jack hurt his shoulder today,” one of the wives—Seline?—says. “I swear, it’s always something.”
“Oh, for sure. Trevor just got over a groin strain,” another replies, and soon the whole room is full of nothing but injury talk, and shit.
“Mike got a freaking concussion three months ago,” someone says. “And he still gets headaches.”
I should rethink the whole one-drink rule.
Because I’m not in a place mentally where I can have this conversation sober. My heart speeds up, my hands are shaking, and my upper lip breaks out in a sweat.
Britney frowns at me, but I smile at her because that’s just what I do when I’m freaking out.
I pretend that I’m not losing my shit.
Everything’s fine.
I’m fine.
“Ivy, should Trevor be back in action so soon after that groin strain? I think he went back way too fast.”
I’m shaking my head before she even finishes the sentence.
“You know, I would have to see his injury report and talk to him. It’s really different with every patient.”
“And we’re not working tonight,” Brit adds with that sweet southern smile.
Someone changes the subject to concerts they want to see, and Britney takes me by the hand and leads me through the sliding glass door and out to the balcony that has a great view of the city. There’s no snow right now, but I can see my breath in the chilly winter air.
“Take a deep breath, honey.”
“Oh, I’m fine, you didn’t—”
“Bullshit.” That smile hasn’t slipped. “You’re not fine. I know you better than that. And if you don’t want to talk about what’s got your breeches up your ass, that’s fine with me. We can just sit out here for a spell and get some fresh air.”
“Did you know that your accent is thicker when you’ve been drinking?”
Britney laughs and nods. “I’ve been told a time or two. It’s a nice night.”
I nod and then shiver. “It’s cold as fuck.”
“Well, it’s winter in Colorado, so yeah, it’s cold. But I want to make sure that you’re okay.”
I pull my bottom lip between my teeth. I never talk about my anxiety. I tried, once, and I was told to just suck it up. To think happy thoughts and move on to something else.
That doesn’t help, but obviously no one wants to hear about my issues.
“I’m just worried, I guess.”
Brit nods. “What’s worrying you, Ivy?”
I rub my hand over the back of my neck. “I just don’t want Xander to get hurt again.”
It’s so much more than that. I don’t want him to forget me again.
“He’s a professional athlete,” she reminds me. “And he’s damn good at his job. The injuries aren’t common, you know.”
I nod. I know she’s right.
“Honey, you should talk to Xander. He can reassure you. He’d want to know that you’re scared. That man’s crazy about you, and he would not want you to be this upset on his account.”
I can’t talk to him about this and make him question me and how much I support him. I can’t.
“Honestly, it’s just my own anxiety. It’s fine. I know he’ll be okay. He’s not being reckless or anything, and he’s taking the appropriate time and precautions before he gets back on the ice.”
I nod and offer her a smile.
“But thanks for the fresh air and the chat.”
“I’m your friend, Ivy. I’m a vault. Always. What we talk about isn’t any of the guys’ business, so if you’re struggling, I want you to talk to me, day or night.”
My lip trembles and tears fill my eyes as I nod and blink furiously.
“Okay.” My voice is a wobbly whisper. “Thank you. Same goes, you know.”
“Oh, trust me, I’ll be telling you all of my woes, and you’ll be regrettin’ you said that.”
I laugh and shake my head. “Never.”