Chapter 36
NOW
July
Iran back to the house as soon as I heard Sophie yell at Jackson. I really thought she was going to kill me, but she just grabbed Jackson’s arm and pulled him toward the car.
I couldn’t even finish painting; I was too shaken up. I drove down to Detroit with shaky legs and sat on a bench along the riverfront, watching cars drive back and forth on the Ambassador Bridge. For a while, I wondered if I should drive to Canada—have that be where I start my new life.
I walked up and down the sidewalk, quickly realizing that was a crazy idea. I didn’t need a new country. I stopped to pet people’s dogs, and to make small talk with the people lounging on the grass. It helped lighten the concavity I felt in my chest.
It was a breezy day with the sun behind the clouds, and I laid down on the grass with my eyes closed, letting my hair blow back and forth across my face. I could feel bugs crawling over my arms and legs, but I didn’t squirm. I enjoyed every sensation my body was feeling.
I was going to be okay. I had been hurt before and I had survived. I didn’t need anyone but myself. I had always been fine—had always pushed through.
I would finish the house and fly back to North Carolina. I’d stay there until I made a decision about what to do with my life. Even if I wasn’t with Jackson, or living with Wren and Mia, I could still build a happy life for myself.
I wanted Wren and Mia now. I wanted my favorite kind of hug, where I’d hold Mia in my arms and Wren would squeeze both of us.
Mia was so big now; I couldn’t remember the last time I had even picked her up.
Just because I wasn’t going to be nannying her for much longer, that didn’t mean I wouldn’t still have them in my life—I knew that.
That fact calmed me; that I had stumbled across them one random day, and would get to have them forever, no matter what.
I could live without Peter. My brother had always acted like he hated me, but now I knew deep down that he’d loved me, even though he could never show it.
I hoped he was at peace now, somewhere in the sky with his dad again, no longer fighting the demons he suffered from. I wanted him to know I forgave him.
I could continue to live without my mom.
That relationship had been nonexistent for most of my life, and I never really needed her anyways.
I never missed her like Peter did, because we had been raised so differently; I never even got the chance to get to know her the way he had.
I don’t think she ever forgave me for being the product of her infidelity.
I thought of Julie and Marie next. The way Marie would call me honey, and Julie would hug me tight like I was her sister.
It felt like I was losing them all over again, and I let myself grieve that loss.
I wouldn’t get back what I had with that family, and even though it hurt, I had lived without them before.
I never even knew what love truly felt like until I met the Delvecchios, but now that I’d found that love once, I knew I could find it again.
I could live without Jackson, too. I had been without him all this time; I knew I didn’t need him to be happy. But it didn’t mean I didn’t still want him. Either way, I knew I was going to be okay.
I sat up in the grass. It was dusk now, and the trail had grown quiet. I pulled my hair back in a low bun and watched the sky change colors.
I couldn’t see the sun setting behind me, but I could feel it. That was all I really needed in this moment. I could pretend this wasn’t the end again, because I couldn’t see it. But it was, whether I was ready or not.
I drove home with the windows down, my arms prickling with goose bumps from the chill.
I climbed into my old bed with its fresh sheets, ignoring the Delvecchios’ polo I’d cleaned and folded neatly on my nightstand. I went to bed feeling at ease.
***
In the morning, I wasn’t surprised to find Jackson standing on the front porch, hands in his pockets.
He looked like he hadn’t slept at all. There were blue rings under his bloodshot eyes, and his dark hair was mussed like he had repeatedly run his fingers through it.
He motioned for me to come outside, and we sat side by side on the front porch.
I tucked my knees under my chin, watching as ants crawled between the cracks on the sidewalk.
“I should’ve told you everything before,” he whispered.
I didn’t respond; I just waited for him to go on. I was ready to listen, to put everything out on the table.
“You put Julie on your résumé for your job. Wren called her, Addie. I don’t know if you ever knew that.”
I didn’t know that. Wren never told me that she’d checked my references. I swallowed deeply.
“She got Wren’s name, found her online, and went as far as to see where she lived and everything. Wren had posted a picture of you on Facebook with Mia. That’s how Julie confirmed where you were.”
I chewed on my lip. I thought I had stayed under the radar since I had no social media, a new phone, and had been living with the Wilsons.
“Okay, so what are you saying? You knew where I was the entire time? And you still never came to find me? Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I said, defeated.
He shook his head. “That first week you were gone, before Wren called Julie, my entire family was freaking out. My parents even went to your house. My tiny-ass mom actually screamed at Peter, telling him he better tell us where you went. But he obviously didn’t know.
I thought you could be dead, or that you’d killed yourself. ”
I wanted to sarcastically say, “Get over yourself,” but I couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy.
He went on. “When Julie found you, I told her to let it go. I fought with my entire family to leave you alone.”
“Why?” It barely came out as a whisper.
“Because I thought you left because of me.”
There was that knife, right through the chest again.
“I left because Peter hurt me, and you never showed. Why would I want you to leave me alone?”
I looked up at him, and he had his elbows balanced on his knees, his head in his arms like the weight was too much to hold.
“I got arrested after the accident. Charged with a DUI. My parents ended up sending me to rehab. I had a really bad drinking problem in high school.”
I sucked in a breath. I knew Jackson had always turned to the bottle.
My own brother was a fucking alcoholic. I should have seen the signs—I should have known how bad it was.
Was I really that blinded by my love for him that I never saw it?
Or did I just not want to see it, because all I cared about back then was wanting him to want me?
“I didn’t kick it the first time. I was sober on and off for five years.
I was a mess after you left. The last time I got out of treatment, I ran into Sophie.
She was familiar, you know? She had just moved back from college, and we talked for a while.
Two years later, we got engaged.” He groaned, shaking his head and putting his hands over his face.
“She convinced me to buy the restaurant after Phil died. We just bought it last year, together. We’re fucking business partners now. ”
I just shook my head. Even though I was furious hearing this, I was more upset than anything. He was tied to her.
“When I finally got my shit together and got with Sophie, Julie told me we should go see you. She thought I hadn’t gotten closure on us—that I couldn’t start something with Sophie when you were still taking over my every thought.
And she was right; you just disappeared, and I was fucked up from it.
Truthfully, I didn’t want to see you, because I couldn’t handle a rejection from you again.
I still felt awful over everything. I thought that I destroyed your life.
I knew I failed you and let you down. You were my best friend, and I was supposed to protect you, but I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I lost the person I cared about more than anything because of my own fuckups.
“But, Julie convinced me, and we drove down. We pulled up to the house, but you were leaving with Mia. We followed you to the beach, and we just sat and watched the two of you for an hour.”
He met my eyes now, and through the blur of my tears, I could see that his eyes were glossy, too. “You looked so happy, Addie. I couldn’t risk taking that away from you. And I didn’t trust my sobriety yet. You didn’t need me to save you. So, we left. And I felt at peace knowing you were okay.”
I shook my head, wiping at my eyes. He found me. Last week when he told me he’d found me, this was what he was talking about. I’d thought I’d heard him say it, but I couldn’t believe that it was true. I was hit with a fresh wave of devastation.
“I never needed you to save me, Jackson. I just wanted you to love me back.” That was all I ever wanted from him—and all I wanted even now.
“I always did,” he whispered softly.
We sat in silence for a while after that, wiping away our tears, not daring to look at each other.
My chest felt like it had been ripped in half. Everything I had built up in my head and wholeheartedly believed for ten years was wrong. I didn’t know what to do with this information. Did it even change anything?
“And I talked to Sophie, I told her everything. Believe it or not, the conversation didn’t end terribly.”
I figured that meant they were okay. He was marrying her, and his feelings for me were out of his system. “She said she understands. Because she knows how hard it is to let go of your first love.”
I nodded, even though my heart shattered into a million pieces. I would never have him. It was never in the cards for us. “I understand, too. Why you can’t let her go.”
I met his eyes, and he looked back and forth between mine before shaking his head. “Addison . . . I wasn’t talking about Sophie.”
I didn’t understand what he meant by that, and I raised an eyebrow. He leaned forward and smoothed down my eyebrow with his thumb.
“I . . . I was talking about you. She understands why I can’t let you go. I mean, we’ve been engaged for over three years. I think we both knew we were never going to get married.”
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. It was me? I was his first love? He couldn’t let me go?
“What do you mean?” I managed to get out.
“I might be Sophie’s first love, but you were mine.
It’s always been you, from the moment I saw you walk through the kitchen doors.
God Addie, I’ve been in love with you since before I kissed you in that closet.
It'll never not be you.” He paused, and I watched as a tear trickled down his cheek.
“But I can’t be with you . . . Not until I’m forgiven. ”
I reached forward and swiped the tear from his cheek with my thumb, leaving my hand cupping his face.
“I forgive you, Jackson.”
He closed his eyes and let his head fall into my palm, resting all his weight on it.
“Not you, Addie. Me. I have to forgive me first.” He swallowed thickly, then opened his eyes. “I broke my sobriety.”
I sucked in a gasp at his admission, and he shut his eyes again, pain covering his face.
“The night you were drinking on the couch, I had a drink after you went to sleep. I’ve been drinking again since that night.”
It was a blow to the chest. I was the reason he broke his sobriety, and I was the reason he drank so much in high school.
“This is all my fault,” I whispered through a choked sob.
He shook his head quickly. “It’s not your fault. It never was. I’ve been struggling for a while—before you even came back. I just can’t seem to get it together,” he admitted.
“I can help you; I’ll stop drinking, too. You can get sober again.”
Everything was slipping through my fingers; he was saying he wanted me though, right? He was finally choosing me again?
He shook his head again. “I’m going back to treatment.” Another tear fell from his cheek. “It was never our job to save each other.”
I started to cry now, too, and he pulled me into a hug.
We stayed there for a while, feeling the rise and fall of each other’s breaths, not ready to break apart.
Because we knew when we did, that would be it, at least for a while.
I focused on his heartbeat, and the way it was in sync with mine—the steady pace of us being together.
There was no telling when we’d find each other again, or if we’d ever get it right.
After a while, he was the one to break away.
He surprised me by kissing me on the lips—lips I hadn’t felt since I was eighteen.
I knew a Jackson kiss, but this kiss was slow and tentative, the softest press.
It didn’t feel like a beginning; it felt like an ending.
“You’re my best friend, period. And I love you, period,” he whispered against my mouth.
And then he was gone.