28. Griffin
Being Cadence’s father brings me so much contentment and fulfillment. I got to Carson and Kenna’s place a few hours ago to visit my girls for Christmas Eve.
Yes, I said my girls, as in both Cadence and Kenna. She’s been keeping things platonic between us, and I’ll respect that for now. But it doesn’t change that I’m hers, and she’s still mine. Even if she’s not willing to admit that to herself quite yet.
We just finished clearing the dishes from dinner when I walk up behind Kenna, brush her hair off her neck, and whisper in her ear, “I want to take you somewhere before Cadence’s bedtime. What do you say—are you up for a little Christmas Eve adventure?”
She softens into my embrace for a moment before pulling away to draw the imaginary line in the sand between us once again. “Sure, let me just grab her diaper bag and replenish her snacks.”
“Ah, yes. We wouldn’t want our little Cadeygirl to get hangry. I’ll start my truck and get her bundled up.”
We’re out the door a few minutes later and we make it to the end of the street before she cracks.
“Griff, come on. You’ve got to tell me. Where are you taking us on this little adventure?”
I know curiosity is killing her. But she will just have to wait.
I’m headed toward her parent’s house, and I wonder if she’s going to be disappointed that the surprise I have in store isn’t a visit to them. We’re going over there tomorrow morning to spend Christmas Day with them and Carson. They gave us tonight to celebrate the holiday, just the three of us. Our first Christmas Eve as a family.
A couple of minutes later, we pull up to a gated community that’s a few miles away from her parent’s house. I punch in a code, and the gates swing open.
Pulling into a long, circular drive, I put my truck into park.
“What’s going on? Is this one of your friend’s houses?”
“No. Come on, let’s get out. I want to show you something.”
“Well, you can’t just pull up to random houses on Christmas Eve, get out of your vehicle, and walk up to the front door.”
“We’re fine, Kenna. I know I can come here any time I want.” I take a sleeping Cadence out of her car seat and carry her to the front door.
“Oh, yeah? What do you think, you just own the place?”
“Matter of fact, I do.” I quickly enter the pin on the front door. The turn of the lock sounds, and Kenna’s face turns ghostly white.
“I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time following. You do, what?”
“I do own the place. I walked through the house when I came to visit over Thanksgiving and made an offer as soon as I saw it. I figured I need a place to live in the summers and a place to stay when I come to visit the two of you.”
“I don’t know what to say, Griffin. This is just a lot to take in.”
I rub her arm with my free hand in a way that reassures her that I’m here for her. “I get it. I just bulldozed you with my excitement and didn’t stop to think about how overwhelming this may be for you. Can I show you around? Maybe a tour will take your mind off things.”
“That’d be great.”
I walk further into the open living space of the main floor with Cadence still asleep on my shoulder.
Kenna looks around, taking in the space. “It’s beautiful, Griff.”
“Thanks. I liked that it”s an open concept, so I can see everything this little monster is getting into when I’m cooking or folding laundry or whatever else is going on. I swear, it feels like I take my eyes off her for a second, and she’s clear across the room. Then there’s a main bedroom with an ensuite down here, but I think I’ll take the primary bedroom that’s upstairs so I can be closer to her nursery.”
I’m rambling. I know I am. I’m nervous as shit that Kenna won’t like it. Turning around to face Kenna, I question, “Do you still call it a nursery when they’re twenty months? I feel like before we know it, she’ll be in a big girl’s bed.”
She nods her head quickly, tears welling in her eyes. Shit.
“Sunshine, what’s wrong? Please don’t cry. Your aquamarine eyes are too beautiful to gloss over with tears. If you hate it, or you think it won’t be a good home for Cadence, I can get a different one. Fuck, I should’ve just had you come with me, but I wanted to surprise you and show you how serious I am.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. What does this all mean, Griffin? Are you going to try to get custody of Cadence? Because I was hoping that if this day ever came, we would be able to talk this out amongst ourselves. I don’t want to get any lawyers involved if we can avoid it. I know that’s not fair of me to say, considering who my dad is. But—”
Before she can finish, I cut her off. “McKenna, stop. Here I go again, not making myself clear. I have no intention of getting lawyers involved in our lives. I want this to be a home that Cadence feels comfortable in when she comes here. But, yes, eventually, I would like her to live here full-time. The schools in this neighborhood are excellent. I made that one of my non-negotiable items on my wishlist.”
“I think I heard you wrong. Did you just say Cadence would be living here full-time?”
“Of course. The three of us will all live here full-time. Well, the four of us. We can’t forget about Ranger.”
“Griffin. What are you talking about?”
“Well, I’d only live here full-time in the off-season. But my rookie contract is only through next season, so who knows where we’ll be at that point. But you and Cadence deserve a home that’s entirely your own.”
“We can’t live together, Griff. We haven’t even figured out how to co-parent yet. We-we’re barely even friends.”
Ouch. I rub my chest, trying to ease the ache from her words.
“You’re right. Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. I bought this house to have a place to live when I’m here in the off-season. That’s not for another six months, so we will cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, I wanted to show you the place and let you know my intentions. You may think we’re barely friends, but that’s not how I feel. In fact, I’d say you’ve quickly become my best friend again.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. We’re friends. But we’re also not. Sometimes, the way I still feel isn’t friendly.”
“Look, I know there’s probably still a lot of hesitation or resentment on your end that will take time to work through. It just makes me want to try that much harder to prove that I’m in this. That I will never turn my back on the two of you again.”
Kenna doesn’t respond with words. She brings her hand to her mouth to cover a sob, tears falling down her cheeks as she shakes her head in acknowledgment.
I may only be half a man, but these two girls—Kenna and Cadence—have picked up the pieces and made me want to be the best version of myself.
I intend to show her just how much they mean to me. Buying this house, which I’m hoping they’ll help turn into a home, was the first big step in doing so.
Later that night, after we put Cadence to bed, Kenna and I are wrapping presents in the living room by the fireplace. I’ve just finished wrapping a book for Cadence when Kenna breaks the tense silence that’s fallen upon us since we got back.
“Some nights are like tonight—harder, I mean. Especially when she’s thrown off her schedule like she was this week,” she explains. I can’t gauge Kenna’s emotions right now. I’m not sure if she’s anxious, stressed, upset, or angry. Maybe all of the above. After we left my house to come back to Carson’s, Cadence became inconsolable, and Kenna didn’t want my help trying to soothe her.
“I understand not every day or night will be easy, Kenna. But I can’t help but feel inadequate in those moments. How am I supposed to learn what will soothe her if you shut me out?” I question.
She pauses her wrapping and looks up at me. “How do I know you won’t push us away again? When things get hard, or if one of us gets hurt, how do I know you won’t just bail on Cadence?” Her eyes fill with unshed tears, making me curse myself for putting off this conversation.
Pushing aside the wrapping paper, I scooch closer to Kenna. “I understand where your concerns are coming from. I know I need to prove myself to you. But I promise you, I will never leave you or Cadence willingly ever again. I’m in this, McKenna.”
Kenna’s posture stiffens at my words. “Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep, Griff,” she whispers. “You can’t leave us again if you get scared that we’ll get hurt. What happens if something happens to me? Will you be there for Cadence, or will you get scared again that everyone you care about dies? You said a lot of awful things to me; whether you remember them or not, I do.”
Closing my eyes, I try to take a calming breath to ease the emotions threatening to take over. When I open them again, Kenna is blurred from my watery eyes. I take another deep, shuddering breath before I say, “After almost two years of therapy, I’ve developed coping mechanisms. My therapist has taught me ways to work through and express my fears and concerns. Once I found out about Cadence, one of my first few calls was to my therapist. I still attend therapy sessions regularly, and it not only helps me be my best self but a better hockey player, father, and hopefully partner to you.”
I pause before continuing, “I know the things I said and did to you were awful. I won’t try to excuse my behavior. I’ll never be able to express how sorry I am for pushing you away and for hurting you. I broke what we had because I was scared to lose you. In doing so, I not only lost the love of a lifetime, but I missed out on every step of your pregnancy and our daughter’s first year and a half of her life.”
Kenna reaches out, placing her hand in mine. “I have things I need to apologize for too, Griff. After seeing you in Boston, I was hesitant to reach out to you about Cadence. Even though I tried to contact you, in my heart I know I should’ve tried harder. Part of me knows I could’ve done more. But I was not only trying to protect Cadence but protect myself as well. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for not trying harder. I robbed you of so many nights with her. I let the hurt I was feeling cloud my good sense.”
“We both made mistakes in the past, but we can’t keep rehashing them. We need to move on and move forward together, Kenna.”
She just stares back at me, tears now streaming down her face.
“Sunshine, please don’t. You were right to think I wasn’t in the right place to bring a child into the world. I wasn’t. Just know that I needed time to work on myself. While I hate that I missed so much, I wouldn’t have been able to work on myself if things didn’t work out the way they did.”
Kenna just nods her head in response, hiccuping as her tears slowly stream down her cheeks.
“I know we haven’t had a chance to talk about the future yet—but you’re it, Kenna. You and Cadence are my future. I’m in this all the way. I’ve learned to be patient in the time we’ve spent apart. I understand that I need to prove myself to you.”
“I just need some more time, Griff.”
Squeezing her hand in mine, I reassure her, “We’ve got nothing but time, Sunshine. I’m not going anywhere.”
One day at a time, I will prove myself to her by continuing to show up for them and support her. I meant what I said, I’m not going anywhere ever again. My world now revolves around my Sunshine and Little Ray.
It’s my first Christmas morning with my girls. I stayed at Kenna’s place last night since my new house isn’t furnished yet. I asked Kenna if she would be willing to go furniture shopping with me tomorrow before I need to leave town the following day.
I didn’t tell her this, but I want her to help pick out the furniture, so I know she likes what goes into what I hope will eventually be our home.
After our talk last night, we finished wrapping presents, watched a Christmas movie, and drank spiked hot chocolate. Even though Cadence is still far too young to catch us in the act, we still tiptoed around and acted as if she was going to come out of her room at any moment.
I’m just flipping the last batch of pancakes when I hear the door from the garage open and the house alarm beep. Carson, I realize, punches in the code, then heads to the kitchen.
“Merry Christmas, G. What are you making?” Carson asks.
“Merry Christmas, Carse. I’m making pancakes, scrambled eggs, and ground sausage. Kenna said Cadence loves all three of those, so I thought it was a good choice for the first Christmas I get to spend with her.”
He nods at me but continues his stare into my eyes a few beats longer than I’m comfortable with.
“You’re doing a good job with her—with them. You know, I feel partly responsible for how things went down. I was hurting too, seeing you like that, hearing what you said to Mack. I didn’t handle it well. Obviously, punching you wasn’t one of my finest moments.”
He rubs the back of his neck and continues, “I’ve always taken on the role of a caretaker in our group. I guess I liked the idea of Mack, and eventually Cadence, needing me. I should’ve backed off and suggested Mack continue to reach out to you. To not give you the option of skirting your responsibilities. Looking back and knowing you, if you were in your right mind, you never would’ve abandoned them. I’m sorry, G. I feel like I got in the way.”
His confession and apology are unexpected. I’m not quite sure what to make of it. What I do know is that if it weren’t for Carson, Kenna wouldn’t have had anyone to lean on when I broke us.
Turning off the burner, I plate the last of the pancakes.
Then, I clear the emotion clogging my throat and turn to Carson, looking him in the eyes. “Honestly, I should be thanking you, Carse. If it weren’t for you, Kenna wouldn’t have had anyone to lean on after Katie’s death. I carelessly pushed her away, fooling myself into thinking I was doing what was best for her. Then, instead of trying to grieve in a healthy way, I coped by drowning myself in alcohol and prescription pills. You were there for her when I should’ve been along every step of the way. And while I’m jealous as hell that it wasn’t me, I’m also thankful for each and every time you had her back.”
“Shit. It’s pretty early for these deep conversations. What do you say we hug it out and let the past stay in the past?” He gives me a watery-eyed grin.
I smile back at him, shaking my head at his theatrics, then bring him in for a real hug. I pat his back a few times, and we part when a throat clears from behind us.
“Care to share what has the two of you so emotional this morning? It’s Christmas!” Kenna stands near the kitchen island, holding a grinning Cadence on her hip. My daughter’s hair is wild, and she’s still in her Christmas footie pajamas. Kenna’s hair is pulled on the top of her head in a bun, and she’s wearing a pair of pajamas that have the same Christmas print to match Cadence’s. The two of them standing there together look like home. My home.
Instead of answering Kenna’s question, I ask one of my own, “Are my girls hungry this morning?” I go to grab Cadence out of her arms.
She raises her eyebrow at my question, then shakes her head, a grin spreading over her face. “Are we ever not? What’s on the menu?”
“All of Ray’s favorites.” I step aside so Kenna can see what’s on the table behind me.
She smiles up at me and replies, “This looks delicious, Griff. Thank you. Did you just call her ‘Ray’?”
I smirk back at her, “I did—it’s my new nickname for her—she’s my Little Ray of sunshine. She brightens up my life just like her mama.”
Kenna’s cheeks turn the most beautiful shade of scarlet. “I love it,” she says before placing Cadence in her highchair.
After we finished breakfast, Kenna said it was time for Cadence to open her Christmas presents from Santa.
As our daughter opens her last present, looking more interested in the wrapping paper and the box the stuffed elephant came in, I walk over to the tree.
“There’s a few more to open up,” I say as I place a gift bag in front of Cadence and put the small box and two envelopes for Kenna and Carson in my hoodie pocket.
My Little Ray dives right into her present, throwing the tissue paper aside and pulling out a small blue and white jersey.
Kenna helps Cadence lift the jersey up, turning it around to show the ninety-one and DADDY across the back of a Colorado Summit jersey.
“Oh, this is so cute! It’s actually perfect for what we got you for Christmas,” Kenna says, becoming bashful and hiding her face behind Cadence.
I smile back at her, not knowing where she’s going with this. “And what’s that?”
Kenna pulls out her phone. Once she’s swiped a few times, she turns her phone over for me to see.
On the screen is an airline confirmation for two flights from Minneapolis to Denver for New Year’s Eve day, with the return flight coming back a week later.
“Sunshine, are you messing with me right now?” I question, not wanting to get my hopes up.
She shakes her head at me. “I thought since my season is over, and I’m on winter break from school, Cadence and I could come visit you for a week in Denver. I looked at your schedule, and your team has a stretch of home games, so I thought it’d be perfect timing for us to surprise you. Your dad even said he could make it out for a few days to meet Cadence.”
I’m speechless. I don’t even know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift Kenna could’ve given me. The stress and sadness of not seeing Cadence have taken a toll on me.
Kenna’s eyes widen at my silence. “Oh my gosh. This was so presumptuous of me. I was so caught up in surprising you, I didn’t stop to think if you’d even want us to come. Griff, I can get a refund on the tickets.”
“No,” I say firmly, shaking my head. “No, that’s not happening. I want you two to come. This means so much to me, Sunshine. I’ve never loved a surprise more than this one.”
She still looks apprehensive. “Are you sure?”
I scoop the two of them into an awkward sitting hug, placing a kiss on each of their cheeks. “I’m already thinking of all the places I want to take the two of you. I’ve never been more sure of anything. This is the best Christmas present I’ve ever been given, Sunshine.”
Kenna pulls her sleeves over her hands and then tries to hide her blush behind them. Knowing she doesn’t like awkward moments, I steer the moment in a different direction.
“Alright, your turn.” I hand the small wrapped jewelry box to Kenna.
She unwraps it and slowly opens the box to find a gold chain with Cadence’s name and her aquamarine birthstone on each side of her name.
“How fitting that our daughter’s birthstone matches the exact shade of her mama’s eyes,” I suggest.
Her breath hitches before she grabs the dainty chain from the box and turns around. “Will you help me clasp it?”
“Of course,” I reply, letting my rough fingertips linger just a little longer than necessary.
Stepping back, I pull the two envelopes out of my pocket, handing one to Kenna and the other to Carse.
“What’s this? You didn’t have to get us anything,” Kenna starts, but I send her a knowing look, and she smiles in resignation.
“Should we open them together?” Carse and Kenna ask at the same time, like true twins.
“Yeah,” I reply.
They open the envelopes, and Kenna’s eyes round so big I think they’ll pop out of her head. “What? How? Are these for real?”
“G, are you serious? How the hell did you score floor tickets to Taylor Swift’s sold-out Era’s Tour?”
I don’t attempt to hold back my cocky smirk. “I know people who know people. So, do you like them?”
“Like them? What’s not to absolutely love? Tell me you got one for yourself, too!” Kenna squeals as she throws herself into my arms.
I nod my head to let her know I will also be joining them. “I, uh, actually got four tickets. Figured Katie could be there in spirit.” I scratch the slight stubble covering my jaw.
Kenna pulls back, her eyes pooling with unshed tears. “She’s always with us, but I love that you got her a ticket, Griffin.”
“I’m going to have no voice for a month after this concert,” Carse declares.
“I’m glad you love them, Sunshine. Does that date work for the two of you?” I ask, waiting for their reactions.
Carson looks down at the tickets again, then sheepishly says, “Uh, G, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your people messed up. These tickets say the concert is in July in Milan. As in Milan, Italy.”
“They didn’t mess up. We’re going to Italy for the concert.”
Kenna stiffens, taking a step back and unwrapping her arms from around my waist.
“Griff, we can’t just go to Italy. We have Cadence—”
Before she can continue to spiral, I cut her off, “I already asked your mom and Dakota if they could watch her while we’re there for the two weeks.”
“Two weeks? Griffin! That’s crazy. You’re insane. I haven’t been away from her for more than two nights at a time. There’s no way I’ll be comfortable leaving her for that long.”
“We can figure out the logistics and length of the vacation as it gets closer, Sunshine,” I placate.
Little does she know that when it comes to her, I am completely insane. Probably delusional or certifiable. Because I’m crazy enough to believe that after everything we’ve been through, maybe we could still be each other’s happy ending.