CHAPTER NINE Tashas Warning
Tasha Monroe knew Maya too well to be fooled by a casual lunch invitation.
They met at a cafe in Larchmont on Saturday, and before Maya had finished saying, "I ran into somebody," Tasha put down her mimosa.
"Who?"Maya picked at the edge of her napkin."Jalen."Tasha stared.Then she leaned back so slowly Maya almost laughed. "No.""What?""Absolutely not.""I haven't even told you anything.""You said Jalen. That's enough information for me." Tasha had been there for nearly all of it. She had met
Maya in college, but by sophomore year she knew the entire Jalen archive: the cheating, the breakups, the latenight calls, the times Maya had skipped class because she had been crying, the birthday Jalen ruined by disappearing and returning with flowers as if petals could erase disrespect.
"We just ran into each other," Maya said."And?""And we exchanged numbers."Tasha closed her eyes. "Of course you did.""Can you not judge me for thirty seconds?""I'm not judging. I'm remembering. There's a
difference."Maya looked around the cafe. "We've been talking." Tasha's expression hardened."Does Andre know?"Silence."Maya.""No.""Then you already know it's wrong.""Nothing has happened.""You don't need to sleep with somebody for something
to happen."The sentence struck harder than Maya expected. "We're talking about the past.""Why?""Because we never had closure."Tasha laughed once. "Girl, closure is not a reunion
tour."Maya's face warmed. "It's not like that.
""Then tell Andre tonight."Maya looked down.Tasha softened.
"You love Andre.""I do.""Then protect what you have.
""But what if these feelings mean something?
" Tasha was quiet."There it is," she said.Maya wished she could pull the words back.
"I didn't say I want to leave Andre.""No, you said feelings. That's worse than texts about old
classmates."
Maya leaned forward. "I don't understand it. Jalen treated me terribly. I know that. I remember crying. I remember checking his phone. I remember feeling like I was never enough. But when I saw him, it was like -"
"Like you were eighteen again.""Yes.""That doesn't mean you still belong with him. It means
your nervous system has a memory."Maya frowned. "When did you become a therapist?" "When my best friend started romanticizing a man who
once made her miserable."
The server arrived with their food. Neither woman touched it at first.Tasha lowered her voice.
"Listen to me. First love can be powerful because it happened before we knew who we were.
It gets mixed up with becoming a woman, leaving home, learning desire, learning heartbreak.
That doesn't make it the best love. It makes it the first map your heart ever used.
"Maya felt tears press unexpectedly behind her eyes.
"He apologized," she said."Good.""He admitted everything.
""Good.""He said he still thinks about me.
"Tasha sighed."And how did that make you feel?
"Maya did not answer."Exactly," Tasha said.
"Be careful. Sometimes we don't go back because the person changed.
We go back because we want the ending to change.
"Maya looked out the window.Across the street, a couple was walking a small white dog.
The woman laughed at something the man said and leaned into him.Andre would be home when Maya returned.
He would probably ask how lunch went. He would trust whatever answer she gave him.
"I'm going to tell him," Maya said.Tasha held her gaze.
"Today?""Soon.""That's not the same thing.
""I need to understand what I feel first.""No.
You want to understand it privately so you can decide which truth is safest to tell.
"Maya flinched.Tasha reached across the table and covered her hand.
"I'm saying this because I love you. Andre doesn't deserve to compete in a race he doesn't know he's running.
"Maya looked at their joined hands."I don't want to hurt him. ""Then stop doing the thing that will."