CHAPTER THIRTY Relief
The first morning after Maya accepted that Jalen was really gone, she woke without checking her phone.Sunlight crossed the bed.The house was quiet.She expected grief.Instead, her body felt lighter.Relief was a complicated emotion.
It carried shame with it.Maya had spent so much energy defending the decision to be with Jalen that admitting relief felt like confessing fraud.But she was relieved not to wonder who was texting him.Relieved not to measure his tone.Relieved not to turn every silence into an investigation.Relieved not to keep proving that the relationship she had sacrificed so much for was worth the sacrifice.She made coffee and sat on the balcony.For once, she did not search Andre's name.She thought about him anyway.A week later, Maya met Tasha for a walk along the beach in Santa Monica.
"You look better," Tasha said."That's because I slept.
""Revolutionary."They walked in silence for a while.Maya watched waves collapse against the shore, each one arriving with force and disappearing almost immediately.
"I think I was addicted to the uncertainty," she said.
Tasha glanced at her. "With Jalen?""Maybe from the beginning.
When we were young, every good day felt huge because I never knew when the next bad one was coming.
Then Andre was steady and part of me didn't know what to do with steady.
""So you called peace boring."Maya sighed.
"I never said boring.""You thought it loudly.
"Maya laughed.Then her smile faded."I did love Jalen.
""I know.""I need you to know that. I wasn't just chasing drama.
"Tasha stopped walking and turned toward her.
"Maya, I have never doubted you loved him.
Love is not a character reference. You can love somebody who is terrible for you.
You can love two people. You can even love someone and still choose not to be with them.
"Maya looked down at the sand."Andre understood that before I did.
""Andre had to."Maya nodded.They resumed walking.
"Do you think I should contact him?" Maya asked.Tasha was quiet for so long Maya almost regretted asking.
"Not yet.""Why?""Because you just ended things with Jalen.
If Andre answered today and said he wanted you back, would you go?
""Yes.""Immediately?""Yes.""That's why."Maya frowned.Tasha continued, "You haven't learned how to be without either of them yet.
If you go straight from Jalen back to Andre, you may spend the rest of your life wondering whether you chose Andre because you finally understood his value or because he rescued you from regret.
"The thought hurt."What if waiting makes me lose him?
"Tasha's voice softened. "You may have already lost him.
"Maya looked toward the water.There was no cruelty in the statement.Only reality.For the first time, she let herself stand inside it without bargaining.Maybe Andre would come back.Maybe he would not.Maybe loving him now did not entitle her to another chance.Maya took a deep breath.The ocean air tasted like salt.
"Then I need to become somebody who can live with what I chose," she said.Tasha linked arms with her. "Now we're getting somewhere."