Angels and Priests Got Jokes
Without a sound, Nick the angel appeared in the passenger seat. A small smile graced his perfectly proportioned lips, his blue eyes sparkling and his halo softly glowing a rich golden hue. He bowed his head briefly with a soft, humble word of greeting.
I knew it! He does that halo shit to mess with me! Malachi growled, baring his fangs while his hackles raised.
“Of course I do; we already established that!” Nick retorted, still smiling as he flicked his fingers negligently towards Malachi’s snout.
He turned his gaze back to Chuck, and his smile grew wider with fondness.
“My darling niece, I was so happy to finally hear from you directly. I’ve missed you.
” He took her hands in his and squeezed gently.
“What can I help you with on this lovely day?”
Trying to choke back her laughter at their banter, Chuck nodded quickly, shaking his hands.
“Yes, thank you for coming so quickly, Uncle Nick. We have a little bit of a… situation, I guess you’d call it.
Malachi and I have been assigned to a new special task force to address a series of burglaries and vandalism across multiple churches in the city.
Mal is freaking out…” She paused as he cleared his throat noisily at her word choice.
“Sorry, concerned that he can’t enter the buildings.
You know, with them being consecrated ground.
But I was wondering if that guardian cloak you gave him might dampen those effects enough that he can go inside to help me.
He’s a little… reluctant to test it as you might understand. ”
Shaking from holding back her amusement, she blew a sharp breath upward, blowing her bangs away from her eyes where the hair had fallen. She beamed at him, trying to play on his sympathies.
Patting her hands absently, Nick lifted one hand to his mouth and pinched his lower lip thoughtfully.
“Hmm,” he mumbled, twirled his fingers, and went back to pinching.
He turned slightly and stared at Malachi with a narrowed, considering gaze.
His eyes sparkled then, the blue winking like sapphires.
“Hmm,” he mumbled again, this time the sound intrigued.
You’re not a fucking bird. Quit humming and answer the question, Nickerdoodle!
“Always a pleasure speaking with you, Malachi,” Nick sighed wearily before glancing back to Chuck.
“In theory, the cloak should help, but I can amplify it some to make sure of that. It goes against everything we stand for, allowing a demon on consecrated grounds, but these are special circumstances, and it does benefit Heaven. I’ll do it.
” He announced this decidedly, his tone indicating this was a great and painful sacrifice.
The sly smile on his lips suggested he might have another trick up his long flowing sleeves.
Slowly he reached toward the open partition and pointed at Malachi.
“Now hold still… this might hurt, a lot.”
Bracing himself, Malachi closed his eyes and ground his teeth together in anticipation. He could sense the angel’s hand drawing closer and bore down, determined not to flinch or scream this time.
“Boop!” Nick sang cheerfully as he lightly tapped Malachi on the tip of his nose. A quick flash of light accompanied the gesture and fizzled out like the aftereffects of fireworks.
Slowly, cautiously, Malachi opened his eyes and stared at Nick with equal parts bewilderment and anger. Did you just… boop me?
Breaking into loud boisterous laughter, Nick grabbed his stomach as tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. “I sure did! But now you can go into any church and be fine!”
No mystical cloud of shimmering unicorn fart? No wracking painful torment? Just… boop and that’s it? Malachi’s upper lip lifted in a furious snarl as the angel continued to cackle gleefully. You fucking booped me like a Pomeranian!
“Pretty much,” Nick shrugged with a decidedly unapologetic grin. “The cloak was the hard part. Since you already have that, I basically just enhanced what was there. Nothing dramatic.”
You. BOOPED. Me. Not cool, Nicotine. I wonder what flavor your blood is.
He growled low in his throat, tail whipping furiously side to side as his eyes filled with Hellfire and shadows zipped through the vehicle.
They loomed menacingly over Nick, like a wave of evil ready to crash over him and drag his soul to Hell.
Nick glanced at the shadows with a bored expression and rolled his eyes, brightening his halo in return.
“Girls,” Chuck drawled, making the word several seconds longer than it needed to be, “do we have to do this every time you two are together? Put away the celestial measuring sticks.” She shoved Malachi back and slammed the partition closed so he couldn’t bite the angel.
It startled him so much his shadows disappeared in the blink of an eye.
Turning her gaze on her uncle, she smirked. “Play nice!”
“I am being nice.” He held up his hand and began ticking off points on his fingers.
“I came when you called. I agreed to your request. Just because he has no sense of humor…” Nick trailed off at the exasperated glare Chuck was directing at him.
“Fine. I’m sorry I booped you, Malachi. But I did give you some extra protection.
Don’t abuse it.” With a rustle of feathers and a burst of golden light, Nick vanished from the vehicle.
Malachi whimpered slightly as the remnants of the halo glow swirled around him, making his fur tingle painfully.
That winged freak. One of these days I’m gonna pluck out his feathers and make him eat them.
Or stick them up his ass so he looks like a heavenly turkey!
I’ll dye them blue like the self-righteous peacock he is!
A small chuckle escaped her throat. Chuck shook her head and put the car in gear. “No, you’re not. You like him and enjoy these games you play. Now let’s go meet up with this Detective Roundtree and see what he wants from us.”
His ears perked up, and his tongue lolled out as he tilted his head, intrigued.
This new person of potential interest distracted him from his feud with the angel.
Roundtree? Is he tree-shaped? Can I pee on him?
As a dog, I’m required to do it. It’s practically the law, and as I’m a sworn police officer, it’s my duty to uphold my jurisdictional requirements.
“No. No peeing on anyone.”
Flopping down with a gusty sigh, Malachi moaned as if she’d just canceled Halloween. It’s a good thing I love you, even though you’re always sucking the fun out of my furry life. I’m still a demon for Lucifer’s sake.
Chuck merely grinned and turned up the radio, singing along loudly over his ensuing howls.
When they arrived at the first location, Chuck whispered reminders as she released him from the back. “No peeing, no biting, no rolling your eyes, and absolutely no desecrating holy ground.”
Yeah, yeah, I got it. Okay, truth time. Warily, he eyed the grass in front of the traditionally styled white-clad center of worship.
It was warm and inviting, giving him a sickening wholesome vibe.
The sun sparkled through the stained-glass windows, and the trees swayed lazily in the breeze, creating an idyllic scene most people would appreciate.
Anyone who wasn’t from Hell, at least. Sucking in a deep breath, he lifted one paw and gently placed it on the ground in front of the main entryway. When nothing happened, he brought another paw forward. Now his front legs were in the grass, while his hind feet were still in the parking lot.
“Let’s go, Mal,” Chuck urged softly, patting her thigh in the heel gesture in case anyone was watching.
Gimme a minute; I'm not used to walking on consecrated ground. It feels… squishy. Shifting his gaze off of her and back to the building in front of him, he slowly eased forward a few more feet, until a low buzzing settled over his fur. He crouched uncomfortably, his ears flattening and a small whine building in his throat. Found the real boundary… here’s hoping Nickosaurus wasn’t lying.
If my fur catches on fire, put me out. I hate the smell of burnt hair; it sticks in your nose.
Yanking back on his leash, Chuck gasped, dropping to her knees.
“Wait, that can happen?” Her eyes widened, and her mouth hung open slightly in fear.
Her fingers whitened as her grip tightened on the back of his harness.
She glanced around nervously to see if anyone was watching.
Or maybe it was to find the nearest hose.
Shrugging, he bobbed his head in jerky motions.
Yeah, it could. Most likely it will strip me of any glamour or spells, and I’ll be forced into my true form.
And I don’t mean… gag… Evan. I mean full-on wings and horns.
Better be ready with those explanations in case Nicquita was fibbing.
Slowly, he once again gingerly stretched one paw forward, testing the boundary.
It tingled but didn’t burn. When his toes touched the first marble step, he whooshed out a relieved breath.
It’s uncomfortable, but I think I can tolerate it while we investigate. Just make sure no one blesses me.
“Blesses… oh… right.” Nervously, she released the harness then gripped his leash tighter as she stood and followed him up the stairs. Gently, she nudged the door open and eased inside the hushed, dim interior. Her steps were hesitant, as if she might be smitten for bringing a demon inside.
Waiting until her human eyes adjusted, Malachi tried not to let the trembling he felt show on the outside. The buzzing over his fur grew more intense as they drew nearer to the large crucifix mounted behind the pulpit. Eventually, he came to a stop, unwilling to move any closer.
“Mal…” Chuck called softly before she placed a comforting hand on his head, sensing his unease. Her aura was dimming as her uncertainty about how to help him grew.
It was at that moment the detective in his bright blue designer suit and the priest in his cleric robes spotted them. They’d been conversing quietly nearby, but when they noted the new arrivals, they began making their way over.
Malachi’s stomach churned in anticipation, the roiling and gurgling loud enough for Chuck to hear. He hummed gratefully as she rubbed his ears, whispering reassurances to him.
“Well, hello there pooch,” murmured the friendly elderly priest. He was stoop-backed and clearly nearsighted, as evidenced by the way he squinted.
A few tufts of silvery-white hair bravely stood guard over his age-spotted scalp.
Adjusting the glasses that perched on his nose, giving him the appearance of a wise owl, he studied Chuck with a soft smile.
“And my dear, what a charming handler. You must be Officer Charles. I’ve heard wonderful things about you from Detective Roundtree.
I do hope your fine furry friend here is able to provide some insight for us. ”
A small groan squeaked from Malachi’s throat as the man drew even closer. He took an involuntary step back, ready to chant counter prayers if need be.
“What’s the matter, fella?” the priest inquired with concern. “Thirsty? Hungry? I don’t have any snacks, but I can supply you with plenty of holy water.” A raspy chuckle accompanied these words.
A snarl, deep and wicked, erupted from his muzzle before he could stop it. The fury of ten Hellhounds filled the sanctuary and echoed back at them. Panicking at the startled gasp from the priest, Malachi turned and ran, yanking the leash from Chuck’s loose grip before you could say ‘Amen.’