Chapter 10
Liv
April, Freshman Year
If Liv thought the party would be the end of Scarlet, she was unfortunately mistaken.
A few days after that horrible night, Scarlet finally called Quinn, and though it seemed, to Liv, who was sitting in the room for part of the conversation, that they were arguing, it ended with Scarlet agreeing that she owed Liv an apology.
Which was so awkward. She’d come over to their dorm, and Emma, Liv, Quinn, and Scarlet all sat in a circle, Scarlet opposite Liv, as she gave a performative speech about how she had been drunk, but she knew she still needed to be responsible for her actions, so she was sorry that she hadn’t supported her with “the whole Joel thing,” even though she also made it clear that she didn’t necessarily think it was right for her to have to apologize for the behavior of another person…
Which led to Quinn getting upset and reminding her that she was only asking for accountability for Scarlet’s own behavior, and then they both left, angry but together, so…
It went about as well as Liv would have expected.
“I don’t like her either,” Emma said, staring at the door Quinn and Scarlet had just exited, as if willing Quinn to come back.
They’d been careful not to say it, but Liv was so glad that Emma was opening this door. She wasn’t sure that she could hold it in anymore .
“Thank you,” Liv replied, almost a gasp. “Quinn is sunshine personified, and it feels like Scarlet weighs her down.”
Emma smirked at that characterization, looking at Liv for a long time before responding. “I see it too. And…”
Emma typically wasn’t a person who struggled with her words, so Liv knew to steel herself for what was coming.
“I just want you to know that if you’re spiraling right now, wondering whether it means something that you don’t like her girlfriend… I get bad vibes, too. And that’s coming from someone who definitely doesn’t have a thing for her.”
Liv felt a deep blush take over her face. Still, that was somehow refreshing, although… “When someone says they ‘definitely’ don’t have feelings for someone, it usually means that they do, in fact, have feelings, right?”
Emma laughed, a loud, unexpected sound. “I like you. We should keep you around.”
“You really get bad vibes?” Liv asked.
Emma nodded. “Honestly… I haven’t liked Scarlet since before they started dating. She’s in the Queer Alliance with me, but she’s made some questionable comments about my ability to understand the needs of queer people on campus.”
“She what? ” Liv replied. She didn’t entirely understand the context of the statement, but it sounded mean, and Emma’s feelings were clearly hurt.
“When she found out I have a boyfriend, it was like I didn’t belong,” Emma said.
“That’s gross.”
“Yes. It’s complicated, of course, because I pass for straight, especially in this relationship, but…” Emma shook her head, as if redirecting her thoughts. “But that night, at her house…it was so not okay.”
Liv tried not to think about that night.
Her emotions were all over the place. At times, she was embarrassed, just thinking about how much she’d made a scene for no reason, how Joel probably didn’t mean anything by dancing close (he just should have? asked ).
He’d left her alone after that, hopefully because he realized it was the right thing to do, but most likely because he was afraid of Quinn going off on him again if he tried anything.
And, yeah…she? really ?tried not to think about that moment.
Because when she did, she got swept up in the way that Quinn had used her body as a shield, placing herself in the middle of the situation.
The way that she pushed him away, her sweet, kind face scrunched up in anger, ready to protect her…
Liv was strong. She was independent, and she could take care of herself, but when that moment replayed in her mind, she got just the tiniest bit melty.
She’d known that Quinn was attractive from the moment that they met.
It was an objective fact: the sky was blue, water was wet, and her roommate—with her kind hazel eyes, her toned body, her joy—was beautiful , maybe in a different way than society expected women to reflect their beauty, but in a way no less real.
But in that moment, when she was dealing with Joel…and even more, when she stood up to Scarlet…Quinn was? hot .
Also, just an objective fact, nothing more to it at all.
Emma spoke again. “We can’t tell Quinn any of this, though. Because I’m guessing right now, even though they left angry, they have their tongues down each other’s throats, and that’s a much more convincing argument than ‘bad vibes.’”
Liv didn’t like the sound of that at all, didn’t like it so very much that the tiniest gasp escaped her lips.
Emma’s expression pierced through Liv, so soft that it hurt, like she could see something that Liv refused to. And she knew, of course she knew, what Emma was thinking, but she was wrong, or, well… Even if she wasn’t wrong, it didn’t damn well matter.
“Do you have feelings for her?” Emma asked gently.
“I don’t think it’s that deep,” Liv answered, knowing it was a lie .
Emma eyed her skeptically. “But you’re attracted to her?”
“I have…noticed that she’s attractive,” Liv answered after several moments of silence, and Emma’s face was all sweetness at that answer. “I’m not trying to pursue anything. It’s just a silly little crush, honestly. I don’t want her to know.”
That was the most important thing to Liv.
Quinn was incredibly physically attractive, but even more than that, she saw how much her gorgeous outside was a reflection of the truly amazing person within.
And none of that mattered, because she would never go for Liv, and Liv didn’t have the option to date, anyway.
“Hey, hey,” Emma said, and she let her hand rest on Liv’s forearm, the warmth calming her. “I’m not going to tell her. I would never out someone, no matter what.”
Liv could tell that Emma meant this with her whole self. “Thank you.”
“You kind of do this staring thing, though,” Emma said, her bright eyes dancing. “You might want to keep an eye out for drool.”
Liv rolled her eyes. “I don’t drool over her.”
“I’m not so sure,” Emma replied, a singsong tone to her words, before she got somewhat serious again. “Are you, like, completely freaking out about this? Have you ever been attracted to a girl before?”
“I’m not freaking out,” Liv said, and somehow it was true. Thinking Quinn was hot felt natural; she had eyes , for God’s sake. And maybe the off-limits nature of the situation helped. “I don’t think that I’ve been attracted to many people at all before, but I’m not struggling with it or anything.”
Because she was still going to follow the plan. And because Quinn was the best friend she’d ever had, and she wouldn’t do anything to mess that up. Nothing could change between them, for reasons on both sides—and Liv didn’t want it to. She didn’t .
Emma pulled her into a hug, letting her know that she was around if she ever needed to talk. Liv honestly didn’t know how she’d gotten lucky enough to have both of them in her life.
After the party, and the failed attempt at an apology, Quinn became present again, though.
It was partly the end of swim season, Liv assumed, which meant significantly more free time, even if Quinn was still in the pool five days a week.
But Quinn also seemed to be setting her priorities differently, with her girlfriend as her last option.
It couldn’t have been a great feeling for Scarlet, but Liv wasn’t complaining.
And, as promised at the beginning of the year, they’d started running together.
Though they had invited Emma to join, she’d heartily declined, so it was just Quinn and Liv, three days a week, one on one.
Liv? loved ?it. They had topics that were off limits, but they chatted nonstop, finding even more to talk about than they had before everything got off the rails with Scarlet.
Quinn particularly loved to tell Liv about her family.
She was in a psychology class that semester, and she enjoyed examining whatever chapter she was studying through the lens of her siblings, whether it was her brothers and their ‘adolescent egocentrism’ or her sisters and their ‘expanding sense of self.’
The topic of the day was birth order, which Quinn had selected as her subject for her big paper.
“I think I’m a stereotypical oldest—responsible, thrive in structure.
Everlee is the quintessential youngest child.
And Nico is the standard middle child. I’m trying to make this case in my paper, but we have those lousy bonus kids, so it makes it messy. ”
She’d successfully avoided the topic any time it had come up this year, but that made Liv think of her own family. Because the idea of her sister, Ronnie, as the responsible one was so ridiculous, she almost wanted to laugh.
And also…she wanted to talk about her. She so rarely felt that she could, especially with her parents.
Liv slowed down, coming to a stop on the side of the path they were on, the one that looped almost the whole way around campus.
She was afraid to say what she was thinking to Quinn, but she’d been such a good friend, and she knew that she could trust her.
She bit her lip, choosing her words carefully.
“We never fit those typical roles in my family.”
Quinn stopped beside her, a confused expression overtaking her face. “I thought you were an only child?”
“No,” Liv breathed, bent over, feeling like she might be sick.
“Are you okay?” Quinn asked. Her face had shifted to concern by the time Liv lifted her head, and she reached out to steady her, squeezing her shoulder. “I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re safe. You don’t have to talk to me about anything you don’t want to talk about.”
Liv stared for a long time before replying, taking in Quinn’s worried eyes and mapping the smattering of freckles across her cheeks. “I think that’s why I want to tell you. Can we sit down?”