Chapter 11
Liv
Now
Liv woke up on Tuesday morning to a text from her cousin.
Audrey: Breakfast?
Oof. She wasn’t ready for the day. She had an emotional hangover.
After speaking with Quinn the previous morning following the keynote, she’d gone to her first breakout, a session on operations strategy for which she was the moderator.
Over the lunch break, she’d taken a call with a manager from her Cleveland, OH team—a recently promoted employee who had chosen to forego the conference because her daughter’s birthday was this week—talking her off a ledge of frustration and ordering a bucket of Chicago style popcorn shipped to her home as a treat.
Then, Liv attended one of the first afternoon groups, before feigning a headache and bowing out for the rest of the day.
She’d immediately come to her room to cry, nap, order room service, and then cry some more.
Because Olivia Palmer was almost thirty-two years old, and it was making her physically ill thinking about how her life was defined almost entirely by the things that she regretted.
Having to tell Quinn that she wasn’t married felt wild to her, but the fact that she had gotten married was, in and of itself, the baffling thing.
She’d been young, sure, but it’s not like she was a teenager.
She’d been lost, and sad, and thought she was doing what her parents wanted…
She’d let her life be dictated by wh at she thought she was supposed to do, without considering what she wanted, and now she was here, alone.
And, stupidly, she’d thought it meant something that Quinn had applied to come.
That maybe there was a chance she could make things right.
She wasn’t delusional enough to think that they could just pick up where things had left off.
She wasn’t sure if she even wanted that, but she thought that the possibility existed that Quinn would be happy to see her.
That she wanted to see her, and that’s why she wanted to come to Chicago, why she pitched to work with her company.
But Quinn thought she was married when she applied to come here, that she had been this whole time. Clearly, she just thought this would be a good move for her business, and she was right about that.
So Liv was going to keep her distance. She would try her best not to think about Quinn. If only it wasn’t for the celebrity guest that Liv had pushed for… She was going to make a fool of herself again.
Her phone buzzed in her hand.
Audrey:? I’m bringing you coffee and yogurt. I’ll be at your room in 2 minutes.
Liv sighed to herself before rolling out of bed, pulling a brush through her hair and splashing some cold water on her face, trying to make herself as presentable as possible.
She was about to brush her teeth when she heard Audrey banging on the door, the cacophony wholly unaligned with the size of the person making the noise.
“What is wrong with you?” Liv said, instead of a greeting.
Audrey smiled at her beatifically, her blonde hair perfectly bouncy, though there was something off about the sharp, precise way she was moving.
Still, she cheerfully greeted her, walking into Liv’s room holding up a tray with two coffee cups and a brown paper bag. “Good morning, beautiful cousin. ”
“Good morning,” Liv replied slowly, closing the door and following Audrey towards the table in her room.
In the middle of setting up their breakfast, her cousin paused, looking out the window and making a face. “Your view is so much better than mine.”
To be fair, the room did have a gorgeous view of the Chicago skyline. “I’m sorry. Would you like to switch?”
“You’re so silly,” Audrey replied, and Liv raised her eyebrows. “Have a seat. Here’s your coffee.”
“Thank you?” It was definitely a question, though she did take a sip of her coffee then, enjoying the bitterness of the dark roast. “This is delicious.”
“I thought so too,” Audrey said. She was staring at Liv, like she was trying to figure her out…or maybe, Liv thought, like she had figured her out, which… That thought was terrifying. “We missed you at the mixer last night.”
“Who missed me?” Liv asked, laughing a little. Her dad loved this little party he threw himself every year, with people lining up to talk to him. “Did my dad need his hand held for some reason?”
Audrey hummed. “No, no. He did have an interesting conversation that I think he wished you could have participated in. It’s such a strange coincidence. He was chatting with a couple of our workshop facilitators, and it turns out they went to your college.”
“Hmm.” Liv couldn’t think of anything to say.
“And then I was thinking about it. We’re only starting day two, and I’ve already seen you chatting with these same individuals multiple times,” Audrey continued.
She was trying to stare Liv down, though she looked a bit ridiculous doing so while wiggling perfectly sculpted eyebrows. “What’s that about?”
And this was the thing. Liv was a private person, and most of her adult years had revolved around her career.
She had very little life to speak of, and given this, it seemed like maybe Audrey thought she wasn’t going to answer her questions.
But Liv wasn’t ashamed of the years she spent at Livingston, of everything she’d done—up until the end, at least—or of the friendships that she’d made.
Liv wasn’t ashamed of who she was.
Still, she needed a moment to gather her thoughts. “You’re talking about the Prism Group?”
“I am talking about the Prism Group,” Audrey confirmed excitedly.
Liv hesitated, weighing her options, and then said, with total confidence, “Quinn was my roommate.”
“You were roommates?” Audrey squeaked, shock evident in her voice.
Liv took a deep breath before adding, “All through college.”
Her cousin’s pitch rose even higher. “All through college?”
“Are you just going to repeat what I say?” Liv asked.
“I’m so sorry if I’m not processing all of this the way you want me to,” Audrey squealed. She stared at Liv for a moment, as if she’d never seen her before, blinking like it would reset her mind. After a few moments, she cleared her throat. “It kind of feels like you’re saying more…”
Liv wasn’t sure she was ready to have this conversation, but she was also tired of not being open. She shrugged, slowly nodding.
Audrey’s jaw dropped. “Livvie. How have you never told me this?”
Liv shrugged again. “I’ve only told a few people. A few friends, mostly in college. My parents.”
“Your parents,” Audrey shouted.
“They know that I like women,” Liv confirmed. “It’s probably not what they would have picked for me, but they haven’t been hateful about it.”
“I mean, sure, you’re married to your job. It doesn’t really matter to them who you’re attracted to,” Audrey replied. Maybe it was harsh, but Liv giggled. She was right. “They took it okay, though?”
Liv was quiet for a while at that. They’d taken it better than expected, all things considered.
When Liv had decided to go away to school, it was because she needed to get away from everything, needed to try to deal with what had happened to her sister, but also not feel surrounded by the loss every single day.
Her parents had worried that going away, where she didn’t know anyone, would make her fold in on herself, but she was brightening at school, and they were seeing glimpses of the girl she’d been. She seemed happy.
But when she came home at the end of school, she was different.
Serious, again, even more serious than when she’d left for freshman year.
They tried to convince themselves that serious was good, was safe.
And she was an adult, making competent, stable decisions.
She was working, and then engaged, and then married.
And that’s when they started to see her fold in on herself. That’s when she disappeared, or at least, that’s how Liv felt, like she was forcing all the pieces of herself into tiny boxes, and some of them were fading away.
She had been married to Conner Jamison for three months when she’d landed on her parents’ doorstep, not because of anything her husband had done, but because she was absolutely miserable, living inside her own head.
It was at that point that they decided to go to therapy as a family, just the three of them, and began working on their issues, but it wasn’t until years later that she told them about everything that had happened, about who Liv really was.
“I think they’re just glad that I’m still here,” Liv said, choking on the words.
“Livvie,” Audrey said, her eyes filling with tears. As she reached for a napkin to dab them away, she chuckled softly. “This is not at all the conversation I thought I was coming in here for. ”
“I’m not sure I believe that,” Liv said.
“I miss her too,” her cousin said softly. “I know you lost your sister, but I lost my favorite cousin.”
“Rude,” Liv replied, though she appreciated the attempt to lighten the conversation.
“I felt like I lost you too, a little bit. I barely ever heard from you, especially after you went to school. And you never let me come to visit.” Liv shot her a guilty smile, and Audrey nodded. “I guess that makes a bit more sense now.”
“Right?” Liv giggled again.
“I can’t believe you dated her. She’s gorgeous.”
“She is,” Liv agreed. “We never exactly dated, though. It’s incredibly complicated, and I don’t have the energy to get into it right now. But, maybe another time?”
“Of course, I will sit with you and talk about this literally any time that works for you,” Audrey said.
Both of their phones went off then, and when Liv turned to see the notification, she groaned audibly.
It was the app they had made specifically for this week, with the schedule of events, conference room map, and a social media element that allowed folks to share pictures of their time in Chicago.
It also allowed the company to send notifications and announcements like the one that had just gone out, announcing the name of the celebrity guest to all the attendees:
Rhea Stewart.
“Fuck,” Liv said under her breath. She was definitely blushing again, embarrassed that she’d done something so obvious: planned a giant, unwelcome gesture that was going to make her seem completely caught up in the past. And, sure, maybe she was, but did she have to make it so readily apparent to Quinn?
“Why are you upset?” Audrey asked, looking at her like she was crazy. “You don’t want to do the interview? ”
“No, that’s not it,” Liv replied, not particularly interested in diving into this either. “I was the one who asked Rhea to come, actually.”
“I don’t get it,” Audrey said, genuinely confused. “You picked this speaker for this event and now you…what? Would rather be staring listlessly at the wall? Pining after your college girlfriend?”
“She wasn’t my girlfriend,” was all Liv said.
Audrey rolled her eyes and then thought for a moment before bursting out with laughter. “She’s a swimmer.”
“Yes, of course. Rhea Stewart is a very famous swimmer. Seven Olympic medals, four of them gold…”
“Nuh uh. Not her,” Audrey replied. “Your lady friend. She mentioned it last night.”
It only took a moment for Liv to give in. “She’s a swimmer.”
“A big Rhea Stewart fan,” Audrey assumed.
“She hung her poster in our dorm, yeah,” Liv admitted. It had moved with them each year, Quinn always finding a space for Rhea.
“That is so…weirdly sweet,” Audrey said, and Liv threw a napkin at her.
They had completely ignored the food, but Liv finished her coffee, already wishing she had more.
“Well, please let me know if you need any help with Operation Bangable Giant. Because you are clearly trying to get into her pants. Or…back in her pants?”
“I’m not answering that. I wish I could unhear everything you just said.” Liv stood from the table, stretching her arms towards the ceiling. “Now, please get out so I can get ready. I don’t think my dad will let me fake sick two days in a row.”
“I totally knew you were faking,” Audrey replied as Liv walked her to the door.
“And, hey,” Liv said slowly. “Thanks for checking in on me this morning. Even if you were here for nefarious reasons. ”
Audrey cackled at that. “I just wanted you to spill the tea. Guess I have to be satisfied with a few droplets.”
Liv rolled her eyes and closed the door after her.
Alone again with her thoughts, she realized that it felt just a little lighter, now.
That maybe, having an open conversation with someone who cared about her, even the beginning of one, was a step in the right direction to not totally throwing away her week.
To not totally throwing away her life .