Chapter 18
Liv
September, Sophomore Year
Liv woke up much later than Quinn most days, but of course, most days Quinn hadn’t been wrapped around her while they slept, so she was jostled awake in Quinn’s unsuccessful attempt to extricate herself, opening her eyes to Quinn’s sheepish expression, an apology already on her lips.
“I tried my best,” Quinn said, pulling her arm out from under Liv’s neck as they both adjusted.
“You’re okay,” Liv assured. And honestly, she probably wouldn’t have loved it if Quinn had slipped out that morning.
Yesterday, waking up to a note had been sweet, but today, she was glad to have the chance to look Quinn in the eye as she checked in.
She softly asked her, “Did we just ruin our friendship?”
“Entirely,” Quinn answered. Liv loved how she said it, like the idea that their friendship could ever be ruined was unthinkable, her mouth pulled up at one side. “I never want to see you again. At least, not with your clothes on.”
Liv rolled her eyes at that, though she felt her cheeks grow warm. “So, you might want to do it again sometime?”
She needed to be sure, needed confirmation that the way she felt in that moment wasn’t one sided. Because her body was still buzzing, and she found herself pressing her thighs together to try to calm the pulsing between her legs.
“If I didn’t have to get to the pool, we could do it again right now,” Quinn replied, her voice dropping low.
She pressed her lips to Liv’s, and yeah, Liv felt it everywhere.
Clearly not ready to leave this moment, Quinn hesitated.
She ran her gaze up and down Liv’s body, even though she was still covered in Quinn’s blanket.
“Sorry, I’m just making sure I memorize this view. This is a top ten life moment.”
Oh, Liv wasn’t sure if she could handle this, this sweetness on top of the devastating sexiness that Quinn had shown her the previous night.
“Have a good day,” she said to Quinn softly. Her roommate grinned at her, winking, and then walked out the door with her gym bag in hand.
It was normal to feel this swoony after having sex with someone the first time, right? Because swoony was absolutely how she felt.
The way Quinn had touched her, the way she had kissed her.
She’d always felt a little under Quinn’s spell.
Since that first moment that Quinn had walked into the dorm room, all pretty hazel eyes and mesmerizing smile, she’d been drawn to her.
They were friends, yes, and quickly became incredibly close, but now that she understood this attraction, Liv was desperate for more.
She felt needy and clingy and all the things she wasn’t supposed to feel, but she didn’t care because she felt good .
Her phone pinged, and she was happy to see Quinn’s name pop up with a text. They didn’t usually text much, at least not while they were both on campus, and she was glad that Quinn was affected as well.
Quinn: So…last night…really happened??
Liv giggled to herself, giddy, while she typed out her response.
Liv:? if you already forgot, clearly I need to work on my skills.
She was about to set the phone down, about to roll out of Quinn’s bed, when the response came through.
Quinn:? I will never forget. It just doesn’t feel real .
There it was again, the sweetness. Liv had always been struck by how Quinn brought her full self to every interaction, and here she was, not at all shy to tell Liv exactly what she was thinking in this moment.
Quinn:? but, I could be available for practice, if you want.
Something so silly shouldn’t make her breath catch. It shouldn’t, but of course her mind flooded with thoughts of how they could practice together. She sent two messages to Quinn, trying to tease her right back.
Liv: I may just take you up on that .
Liv: I’m still in your bed, by the way.
With that, she tossed down her phone, burrowing further under Quinn’s comforter. She tried to go back to sleep, but adrenaline was coursing through her, and she laid there for a while, just replaying the events of the previous night.
It felt so strange to her that the world was still spinning on its axis outside of this room when she felt like something had shifted so intrinsically inside of herself.
No. That wasn’t right. She didn’t think anything had changed in her, not really.
But there was an overarching feeling that settled into her bones, a contentment that felt a lot bigger than just simple sexual satisfaction.
She let the emotion roll around in her, trying to identify it, capture it, to name this feeling.
It was trust, she thought. She’d never held such an overwhelming level of trust, of safety, with anyone she’d been with.
Whatever happened in their friendship, because that’s what this was , Liv wanted to hold on to this as long as she could.
Liv had never been as angry at an inanimate object as she was when her phone alarm went off, but she stretched, forcing herself to get out of bed. She didn’t have an early morning class, but this was her scheduled day to call and check in with her parents, so she didn’t have a choice.
She showered, and the heat of the water, the pressure from the tiny droplets, made her realize that she was more in her body than she had ever been before.
It was as if her sensitivity had been dulled, and being with Quinn had sharpened her somehow.
Which, she knew, was ridiculous , but still…
she was physically tuned in like never before.
Back in her room, Liv threw on her school hoodie and called her dad.
The call lasted exactly the requisite time.
He asked her to update him on the first week of classes, whether she needed anything.
He filled her in on his calendar, letting her know that he’d be travelling during their next scheduled appointment, but that his assistant would reach out to her with another meeting time, and he hoped she’d be amenable.
When the twenty-minute timer went off at the end, he told her he loved her and begged off, citing another meeting.
Her dad hadn’t always treated every interaction so transactionally. She had vague memories from when she was little: helping her with her math homework; picking her up when she fell at the park; showing her where he’d hung up her elementary school artwork in his office.
For almost as long as she could remember, she’d been an agenda item for him, and she’d gotten used to him checking her off his list and moving on.
They’d stopped being a family long ago. Liv had a literal contract with them to show their expected behavior for her, and she didn’t think that there was a possibility that they would go back to the way things had been when she was a kid
Occasionally, she thought she saw traces of the warmth he used to show trying to peek out. But he kept it locked inside, and Liv didn’t know how to break him open.
There was a part of her, though, that was afraid of what it might look like if it did break open.
Because it wasn’t just him, really; it was all of them.
Liv knew she’d shoved her grief for her sister into a box and buried it deeply in the recesses of her mind.
She missed her constantly, just a perpetual ache beneath her skin that she’d learned to live with by simply pretending the hurt didn’t exist .
Her phone pinged again, and she saw that Quinn had responded simply to her last message, the one letting Quinn know that Liv was still in her bed, with a pink heart.
It was emotional whiplash, that’s what it was, going from talking to her dad, from thinking about her sister, to seeing a message, even a simple one, from Quinn.
But it was a good reminder, all of it. A good reminder with her dad, that she could squeeze herself into the pockets of his day. A good reminder from Quinn, that she could have a good thing, that she could enjoy something, someone , but she needed to remember the parameters they’d built.
The brightness with which she’d woken had dimmed, but she still felt like she was floating through the day.
She managed to attend her classes, successfully skirting the Scarlet of it all in her afternoon course, which, honestly, took a lot of restraint.
After experiencing what it was like to be with Quinn, she was even more confused how anyone could possibly let her slip through their fingers. Absurd.
In the afternoon, Liv even went for a run with the creep-free club. It was a good day.
That night, Liv was back in their room, curled up in her bed reading her history textbook, when Quinn walked in, clearly exhausted from her day. Still, she grinned widely at Liv as soon as she caught her gaze, plopping down on her bed.
“Hey,” Liv greeted her simply.
“How was your day?” Quinn asked. They’d exchanged a few more texts throughout the day, nothing serious, but Liv could hear the concern in her tone.
“It was fine,” Liv answered, and she was almost sure that was true. “How are you?”
“Honestly, I’m super tired,” Quinn replied. “This girl kept me up all night.”
Liv loved that Quinn was teasing her, that she was working to maintain the tone of their friendship. “She sounds terrible. ”
Quinn’s eyes sparkled. “Too true! Gorgeous, though.”
“Stop, you’re so cheesy,” Liv replied, though she wasn’t sure why. She wanted to change the subject, though, so she figured she’d bring up something that had occurred to her when she was supposed to be paying attention in class. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything,” Quinn affirmed.
“You…you haven’t asked me if I’m gay?”
Quinn smiled again, though it was softer this time, kindness in her eyes. “Well, it’s none of my business?”
Okay, Liv had to laugh at that. “You don’t think so?”
“I mean, I really don’t,” Quinn replied. She paused, clearly collecting her thoughts for a few moments. “You don’t owe me, or anyone, an explanation about your sexuality. Ever.”
“I guess I’m more wondering if you’re worried about it,” Liv admitted, uncomfortable but needing to say those words.
“If you’re asking if I care if you’re upset or anxious about what we did, then yes, of course.
Because I care about you,” Quinn replied.
“But if you’re asking if I care how you identify…
I don’t. I mean, I know you had sex with at least one guy before, but that is also not my business…
and I know you had sex with me. Because it was very, very memorable. ”
“You specifically said that you’d ‘never forget’ it,” Liv reminded her, and when did her voice get so breathless?
“And you specifically said that I have a superpower,” Quinn replied, quirking an eyebrow.
Liv blushed. “Fair, fair.”
Quinn’s expression softened again, losing the playful edge. “You don’t have to define yourself just because of what happened. I mean, you can. God, what am I saying? You don’t need my permission, either…”
“You’re cute when you’re all frazzled,” Liv said without thinking, but she refused to regret her words when Quinn softly glowed in response to them .
“My point is. All I need to know from you is that we’re good,” Quinn said. She reached her hand across the space between their beds, her hand cupping Liv’s jaw.
Liv leaned into Quinn’s touch, pulling her own hand up to hold Quinn’s against her cheek for a moment before she turned her head, pressing a kiss to Quinn’s palm. When she spoke, her voice was a whisper. “We’re good. I’m good.”
And she was. She was good, here with Quinn, who was gazing at her with something close to wonder in her eyes, holding her without expectations…
Yeah. She would be good, and she would let Quinn be the best thing in her life, the thing she kept just for her.