Chapter 26
Quinn
November, Junior Year
After a few days out of town, Quinn came home from a swim meet totally exhausted, ready to curl up next to Liv on the couch and watch a movie. It was her Sunday to pick, and she was still trying to decide what to watch when she entered the apartment, finding Liv already lounging in the living room.
“Hey beautiful person,” Quinn greeted. Liv didn’t match her enthusiasm, but that wasn’t exactly shocking. Even at her most drained, Quinn often had to temper her energy, trying to be more palatable.
“I’m glad you’re home,” Liv murmured, so softly Quinn had to lean in to hear her. Liv took the opportunity and cuddled into her.
“I have to warn you, I’m probably going to pass out during the movie,” Quinn said, snuggling in even closer.
Liv sighed. “Can we skip it? Just go lie down?”
There was something wrong, Quinn was certain. They’d never missed movie night, not when they were both in town. Even when they were apart, there were plenty of times that they’d streamed something while chatting on the phone.
But from the tone of Liv’s voice, from the pained expression Quinn clocked as they pulled apart—her eyebrows furrowed, the corners of her lips turned down—it was clear she didn’t want to talk.
Quinn nodded, standing and helping Liv to her feet. They went through the motions of their evening routines before landing in Liv’s bed, and Quinn willed her presence to be the comfort Liv so obviously needed.
Liv had a restless night. Quinn felt her tossing and turning, unable to settle. It wasn’t until the early hours of the morning that she fell into a fitful sleep, and only then did Quinn let herself rest.
She was surprised to find the bed empty beside her when her alarm went off just a few hours later. Quinn padded out of the bedroom, bare feet cold against the hardwood floor, and found Liv sipping coffee on the couch, looking completely wrecked.
“I hope you have a good day.” Her monotonous tone did nothing to alleviate Quinn’s concern, nor did the way Liv avoided looking past her own shaking hands.
Quinn took the coffee from her, setting the mug on the floor. “What’s going on?”
Liv took a long time to answer, her chin quivering. Just when Quinn thought she wasn’t going to respond, she whispered, “Today is my sister’s birthday.”
Quinn didn’t even process the motion; her body acted of its own accord, arms wrapping Liv in a crushing hug. She pressed her lips to the crown of Liv’s head, hearing her sniffle. When they separated, there was a steady stream of tears flowing down Liv’s face.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t know,” Quinn said.
“Of course you didn’t,” Liv replied. She tried to casually ignore her own tears, like if she didn’t take them seriously, maybe Quinn wouldn’t either. “You were out of town the last two years for swim. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. It’s just…so much harder on this day to pretend.”
“Liv, this? is ?a big deal,” Quinn countered.
She was an idiot. She hadn’t brought Ronnie up out of fear that it wasn’t her place, that Liv would talk about her sister when she needed to.
But she could have at least asked about the important dates, could have made sure she was prepared for something like this .
“Stop whatever is going through your head right now,” Liv said. She reached up to grab Quinn’s chin, shifting her so their gazes met. “I didn’t tell you. You are a great friend, but you have not yet mastered mindreading.”
“Working on it,” Quinn joked, and she was glad to see a hint of a smile ghost across Liv’s lips. “I didn’t mean to make this about me. You don’t need to take care of me right now.”
“I don’t mind,” Liv replied, and Quinn pulled her into another tight embrace. They held each other, letting the warmth from their bodies soothe frayed nerves.
“Okay, well. We’re taking today off,” Quinn announced.
“We can’t. You have swim. We have class.” Liv said this like it was a good argument, and Quinn thought that was just adorable.
Quinn held her hand up to her own neck, grimacing dramatically. “I have this tickle in the back of my throat, actually. Wouldn’t want to get the rest of the team sick.”
Liv beamed at her, and there was nothing that Quinn wouldn’t do to keep that look on her face.
“We’re going to have an adventure,” Quinn said.
“We can just hang out here,” Liv countered. “I owe you a movie.”
“Uh, nope. Please go get dressed. The car will be leaving in twenty-five minutes.”
Liv didn’t move immediately, and there was a split second that Quinn thought she might shoot her down. She seemed to think better of it, though, and scampered off to get ready. Quinn followed suit as soon as she’d texted Emma to cover for her at practice.
She had travel coffees ready as they walked out the door, but Quinn stopped at the first gas station she saw, partly to fill up her tank but mostly for road trip snacks. When she announced this, Liv was incredulous.
“It’s not even 7:00 AM. ”
“I’m not sure I understand your point,” Quinn replied.
She led Liv into the shop, meandering up and down the aisles, filling her arms with a variety of candy, chips, and a few sports drinks.
She added a bag of trail mix— for health —and made her way to the register, waiting patiently for Liv to join her with a couple treats of her own.
When they’d loaded up on goodies and filled up the tank of Quinn’s car, they officially hit the road. Quinn had her phone hooked up, allowing Liv to take control of the music as long as she promised not to look at the destination in the map app.
“You’re technically kidnapping me right now,” Liv said.
“That’s categorically untrue,” Quinn replied. “You got into this car willingly.”
“Hmm. I’m not sure,” Liv said, a levity in her tone that Quinn loved hearing, especially compared to the way they’d started the day.
They drove for over two hours, munching on snacks and singing, poorly, along with the music. Feeling, even if just for a moment, relaxed and carefree. Quinn was struck, not for the first time, by how much she loved being with Liv, no matter the circumstances.
Quinn wasn’t surprised that the lot was empty as she pulled to a stop.
She parked so that they were facing the sandy beach, a sign that read “Lake Michigan” to their right, the water extending out as far as they could see in the distance.
There was a boardwalk to their left, jutting into the lake, with a giant red lighthouse at the end.
“You brought me to the beach,” Liv said, her face scrunched up in confusion. “In Michigan…in November.”
“You have lived here for more than two years, and you haven’t even seen ONE of the Great Lakes.”
“My dear, sweet Quinn. I grew up in? Chicago . My parents’ house is, like, forty minutes from the other side of this lake. ”
“Sure, sure, sure. But you haven’t seen it from the good side,” Quinn replied, her lips quirked in a silly grin. “We’re going in.”
“It’s November.” This was apparently a major sticking point for Liv.
“I know, right? It’s so cold,” Quinn agreed, before jumping out of the car. “It’ll be great.”
She ran toward the water, toeing her shoes off halfway down the beach and shoving her socks inside. She was cuffing her jeans when Liv joined her.
“You’re a little wild.”
“You’re just figuring this out,” Quinn retorted, wiggling her eyebrows before looking pointedly at Liv’s feet. “Do you need me to reverse-Cinderella you?”
“Wild and ridiculous,” Liv huffed, but she followed Quinn’s lead, shedding her own shoes and socks, and they left their footwear in a pile and walked to the shore.
Quinn stomped into the water quickly, trying not to show Liv how frigid it was. “This is delightful.”
Liv joined her begrudgingly, gasping when the freezing water splashed up to her ankles. They walked a handful of paces before she spoke. “This is awful.”
“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Quinn admitted, bumping her hip into Liv’s.
Still, they slowly continued their walk along the beach.
It was peaceful, the sky filled with thick gray clouds, the gentle waves slapping against the sand.
The seagulls mostly let them be, and there were boats in the distance, but in a very real way it felt like they were the only two people on earth.
When they got to a rocky section of the lake, they pivoted, returning the way they’d come. Under the pretense of holding her steady, Quinn reached for Liv, and they walked the rest of the way back arm in arm.
Quinn plopped to the ground next to their shoes, motioning for Liv to join her. She sat, settling into the sand and moving so that their bodies just barely touched, present but not pressing.
“Thank you,” Liv said simply.
“Do you want to talk about her?” Quinn asked, still worried that the question would come out clumsy.
Liv was quiet for a while, before she cleared her throat and spoke. “We used to vacation to the beach a lot when I was a kid. Ronnie would bring her friends, and I would follow them around like a puppy, absolutely obsessed.”
“So, I didn’t turn you gay? That’s a relief,” Quinn said, and Liv shoved her shoulder.
“She would have liked you a lot, I think,” Liv said, and Quinn’s heart swelled. “She had a soft spot for goofballs.”
“Sounds like she had great taste.” Liv was close enough that Quinn could keep her voice soft, solemn. “What else?”
Liv burrowed her face into Quinn’s neck. “I feel like…so much of her memory has gotten tied up in everything with my parents. How crazy they’ve become. How afraid. But…I miss her every day.”
“Of course you do.”
“I don’t even know if she would like me now,” Liv continued, and Quinn had to stop herself from interjecting, from waving off her concern.
“She was just so full of life. She was beyond out of control at the end, but she still always tried to make time for me, you know? And she would hate that I’m following such a rigid plan…
I feel like she would just think I’m so boring. ”
The silence stretched on, and Quinn got the sense that Liv wasn’t able to continue the conversation.
She knew they’d barely scratched the surface of Liv’s feelings about her sister.
About Ronnie’s life, her death. But Quinn was grateful for even this tiny glimpse into what Liv had been going through.
“Is it okay if I say something?” Quinn asked, after the quiet had become too much for her to bear.
Liv tilted her head back to nod, blinking up at Quinn with wide, teary eyes.
“You are doing what you need to do to survive. And you moved to a different state. You came to a school where you didn’t know anyone.
You’re having a torrid affair with a very handsome person.
You’re on an adventure right this second! You are absolutely not boring.”
“A torrid affair,” Liv scoffed, though the smile had crept back onto her face and she leaned even further into Quinn. “You’re too much.”
They didn’t usually allow themselves to touch out in public, and it wasn’t that big of a deal.
When they were on campus, they were surrounded by people who knew them, even if just casual acquaintances.
It was…well, it’s not that it was easy , to keep their hands off each other, but easy-ish.
Especially given the vast amount of time they spent one on one in their apartment.
But here, away from all of that, Quinn didn’t fight the urge to wrap her arm around Liv’s shoulders. “Plus, I don’t know if it means anything. But I’m a really great big sister. Like, I have so many references. And I think you’re fucking amazing.”
Liv held her eye contact, expression full of adoration, mirroring exactly what Quinn felt for her in this moment, their faces so close that she could feel Liv’s breath on her cheek.
“This is against the rules,” Quinn whispered.
“Adventures are exceptions,” Liv said, shrugging, and she reached up to grab the front of Quinn’s shirt, pulling her in for a kiss.