Chapter 31
Liv
April, Junior Year
Since they moved into their apartment, Liv didn’t spend nearly as much time on campus during the day, outside of classes and her increasingly sporadic attendance with run club.
She found she preferred to study in the comfort of their living room, except in extreme circumstances, like when Quinn insisted on working out at home, and Liv couldn’t focus on her work, drawn instead to the curvature of her muscle, watching the sweat drip down her back…
One Friday in mid-April, though, Liv was too anxious to stay at home by herself. She knew she’d fixate on the conversation she needed to have with Quinn, one that she’d been putting off since a particularly difficult call home a few weeks earlier.
So even though she’d scheduled her semester without Friday classes, she walked to campus and sat at a picnic table outside of the pool building, waiting patiently for Emma to finish swimming laps so that they could grab coffee together and get some studying done.
“Hey lady,” Emma greeted her, sitting down opposite Liv. “Today is gorgeous. Want to work outside for a while?”
“Sounds great,” Liv agreed. “I am going to need coffee soon, though, so I’ll do a run in a few?”
“Yes, please,” Emma agreed, and they began piling the table with textbooks .
“Did Quinn already head to class?” Liv asked, trying to sound casual.
“Your girlfriend was still getting dressed when I came to find you,” Emma said, and Liv rolled her eyes at Emma’s word choice as they said, together, “She’s not my girlfriend.”
“She’s not,” Liv insisted.
But then she was distracted, because Quinn walked outside looking mouthwateringly good in snug black shorts and a plain white T-shirt, the sleeves rolled tight against her impressive arms. The sun was shining, the sky a crisp, clear blue, and every day was better in Quinn’s presence.
Except, after a moment of gratuitously staring, Liv clocked that Quinn was not alone.
The girl with her was pretty, nearly as tall as Quinn, with long blonde hair and glossy pink lips that were curved in a wide smile, flashing perfect teeth at Quinn.
Liv watched in horror as she placed her hand on Quinn’s arm and lingered for several beats too long before she pulled away, using that same hand to push and hold her hair back, posing like she expected, at any moment, someone to pop out and take her picture.
Quinn turned slightly and saw Liv, then, beaming in response, as if nothing problematic was happening. Because, Liv reminded herself, it wasn’t. There was nothing wrong with this gorgeous person touching Quinn’s perfect arm.
“Hey,” Quinn said, waving and walking towards their table, sounding genuinely excited to see her even though she’d woken up alongside Liv a few hours before. Her blonde friend followed tentatively behind. “What are you doing on campus? You do know it’s Friday?”
“I am aware,” Liv said, rolling her eyes at Quinn, even if she found her silliness charming. “I asked Emma to entertain me today.”
“At your service, m’lady,” Emma deadpanned, not bothering to look up from her book .
“I see, I see,” Quinn said, and then she seemed to remember that there was someone else there. “Oh, right. This is Janelle. I don’t know if y’all have gotten the chance to meet yet?”
“I don’t think so,” Liv replied, trying to be pleasant. “I’m Liv, nice to meet you.”
“Liv is my roommate. I’ve definitely told you about her,” Quinn explained to the blonde before gesturing between herself, Liv, and Emma. “The third in our bestie triad.”
Roommate? Roommate ? Liv wasn’t even certain she heard the second part of what Quinn said because her blood was boiling, but she did everything she could to maintain her calm, especially when she noticed that this new girl looked overly satisfied with that descriptor.
Then again. What did she expect Quinn to call her?
“Nice to meet you,” the new girl— Janelle —had the absolute audacity to say to her.
“I’ve got class in a few, but can I meet up with you after,” Quinn said. She only had one morning class on Fridays, so Liv was planning on asking for a ride back to their apartment, though she couldn’t form words at that exact moment.
“Of course,” Emma answered, filling the silence. “We’ll be here or by the café, just text us when you’re free.”
They all said goodbye—Liv with a wave, because her tongue still wasn’t working—and Quinn and Janelle walked away. Liv followed them with her eyes until they turned out of her view, and then she refocused on the company she was with, realizing that Emma was eyeing her with fascination.
She forced her mouth to work. “What?”
“You seem…upset,” Emma responded, sounding amused.
Liv didn’t want to admit she was, if completely honest, totally freaking out. She tried not to say anything, tried to fix her face, to form it into a mask of nonchalance .
“Who the fuck is that?” Liv asked, after a moment, unable to stop herself, and she heard the strange hitch in her voice.
“Janelle? She was on the team this year, she’s a freshman,” Emma said, sounding mildly surprised that Liv hadn’t heard of her.
“Is she…” Liv wasn’t sure how she wanted to finish that sentence.
“Absolutely obsessed with Quinn,” Emma offered, and, sure, that worked. Liv nodded. “Oh, yeah. Quinn’s got a whole little fan club. You didn’t know?”
“I probably should have,” Liv acknowledged, and…of course, Quinn had a whole swath of admirers. She was gorgeous and kind and funny. She was smart and thoughtful without taking herself too seriously. She was perfect. “That girl…she’s beautiful.”
“Yeah, I think I heard her say that she has some modeling jobs lined up this summer,” Emma said.
“How nice for her,” Liv grumbled.
Emma looked at her for a long time before she finally spoke again. “You know Quinn is a marshmallow human for you, right?”
Liv huffed loudly, running her hands over her face. “I don’t know why I’m acting jealous.”
“I think we all know why,” Emma said, and Liv rolled her eyes before softening. There was no need for her to be irritated with Emma, who hadn’t done anything to deserve her ire.
“She’s just so good,” Liv said wistfully.
“In bed,” Emma replied, wiggling her eyebrows, and Liv released a gentle laugh.
“In general. Quinn is just so good, and I don’t want to let her go. But maybe it’s time…”
Emma scoffed. “Liv, maybe you should talk to her about what she wants before you make a unilateral decision? ”
“I’m going to be spending a lot of time with Conner this summer,” Liv said, as if it was the natural continuation of the conversation.
Emma whistled. They’d talked about the situation before, bonded over the idea that they were both expected, expecting , to marry men they’d grown up with.
“Do you think you should have told her before y’all signed an extension on your lease?” Emma asked, and…yeah. Liv could certainly see why Emma would ask that.
“I didn’t find out until after,” she replied, and it was the truth. “My dad just told me a couple of weeks ago. We’re both interning for J&P this summer, working on the same project…”
“You have to tell her,” Emma replied simply.
“I know, I just—"
“No,” Emma said, cutting her off. “Liv. I love you. But I do not want to be a part of keeping something from her again. We knew she was going to be weird about Paris, but that was sweet, so I knew she was going to come around on it eventually. But this…this is just bad.”
“It’s so bad,” Liv agreed, and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m not ready to give her up.”
“I get it, I do,” Emma replied. “But Liv. You have to tell her. Tonight.”
And so, that night, after they had lunch with Emma, after Quinn had gone to the gym in the afternoon—because one workout a day wasn’t enough, even in her off season—after Quinn hopped in the shower, and Liv took the opportunity to order delivery from their favorite Thai restaurant, after Quinn dressed in sweats that hung on her hips in a way that made Liv just a little bit breathless, Liv sat Quinn down on the couch in their living room and stood in front of her, not at all ready to have this discussion.
“We need to talk,” Liv said carefully .
“Always a good sign when a conversation starts with those words,” Quinn replied, immediately looking nervous. “Is this about Janelle?”
That threw Liv off just a touch. She did have questions there. “No?”
Quinn raised her eyebrows. “Are you sure? There was a weird vibe earlier. I didn’t mean anything by introducing you as my roommate.
Janelle has been having a rough time with hers, and she made a joke about, like…
it never works out with random assignments.
I obviously had to correct that misconception. ”
Well, that was equally adorable and unhelpful in this moment.
“No, it’s not that,” Liv said. “I didn’t love it, but I am your roommate.”
“Right,” Quinn said, and Liv watched as she blinked several times in quick succession, as if trying to reset herself. “So…what’s the issue?”
Liv was about to explain, she was , but there was a knock at the door and she had to go sign for their dinner.
“You ordered Thai Star?”
“While you were in the shower,” Liv confirmed, carrying the bags into the living room, but setting them down away from Quinn so that they could talk first.
“Am I dying?” Quinn asked.
“That’s not funny,” Liv replied.
“Well, the last time you talked to me like this, you sent my parents to Europe, so I can try some fun guesses. Oh, is it a sex thing?”
“I’m working with Conner this summer,” Liv said.
“So not a sex thing,” Quinn replied, devastated, though she still added, as if in jest, “Or, I guess. Maybe a sex thing.”
“Quinn,” Liv breathed, slamming her eyes closed in an effort to shut out the discomfort.
“Sorry,” Quinn said, and when Liv opened her eyes, she seemed contrite. “I don’t know what you want me to say. ”
Liv nodded, even though she knew it didn’t make sense. “I don’t know what I want to hear, I don’t know what you need to hear… I don’t know what to do?”
“Well, y’all are going to be in the same zip code, and you have your system,” Quinn replied. “So, where does that leave me?”
“Quinn, you’re the most important person in my life,” Liv said.
“That’s really not something most people say to their roommate,” Quinn replied.
“You called me your ‘roommate’ today, not the other way around,” Liv exclaimed before throwing gasoline on the fire. “And to that girl who was hanging all over you!”
“I thought this had nothing to do with Janelle?” Quinn was uncharacteristically smug, throwing the words back at Liv.
“It doesn’t,” Liv said. “But I’m a little confused how your little admirer hasn’t come up in the year you’ve been swimming with her?”
“Janelle is not my ‘admirer,’” Quinn said, rolling her eyes. “She’s a teammate. There are plenty of teammates of mine that I haven’t specifically talked to you about.”
“She looks at you with heart eyes,” Liv replied, and she knew this was going off the rails, but she just couldn’t stop. “She touched your arm.”
“She touched my arm,” Quinn repeated, the closest to yelling that Liv had ever heard her. “Why did you start this conversation, Liv? Because we’ve got much bigger things going on than someone touching my arm.”
“I just think it’s weird that you didn’t tell me about her,” Liv replied, and she knew that Quinn was right, knew that this was not about this girl, that Quinn had done nothing wrong.
Quinn groaned, and she stood up, walking towards the bedroom in the apartment that they never used. “Oh my God, Liv. I’m not doing this.”
“What do you mean?” Liv asked, panic in her voice .
Quinn shrugged, stopping at the edge of the room. “You dropped a fucking bomb on me, and now you’re trying to fight me about something that doesn’t matter. I don’t know if you’re trying to tie these things together because you feel guilty, or maybe you just don’t fight fair, but this is not okay.”
“We both knew that this was a risk,” Liv replied, and it was like all the fight had gone out of her. She just sounded pitiful, even to her own ears. “You knew.”
“I knew,” Quinn acknowledged, her voice soft. “It still hurts like hell, friend .”
She walked away, then, and Liv crumpled into a heap on the couch.
She knew that she had messed that up. She knew that she owed Quinn an apology, that she’d fucked up. There were about a million ways that talk could have gone, but everything she’d done had ensured that they couldn’t have a rational adult conversation.
Liv couldn’t sleep. She stayed in the living room, hoping that Quinn would come out, that she would give her another chance to talk, even though Liv knew she didn’t deserve it.
But Quinn didn’t come out the whole night.
Liv began pacing around the time that Quinn should be up, getting ready to meet with Emma for their regular off-season morning laps, but still, no Quinn.
She knocked on the door to the second bedroom, waiting to hear Quinn’s response. Liv couldn’t think of anything that had ever kept Quinn from the pool, and she was getting worried.
“You can come in,” she heard Quinn say through the door. When she peeked her head in, Quinn was still lying down in the bed, facing away from her.
“Are you going to swim laps with Emma this morning?” Liv asked, and Quinn shook her head. “Are you okay?”
Quinn huffed, and, fair , that was a stupid question. “I’m not up for it. ”
“I’m sorry,” Liv replied. It was her fault, after all. The whole situation was. “I’m really sorry. I can apologize for a whole list of the reasons, but the most important is that I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know,” Quinn said softly. She finally turned, lifting her head to look over at Liv. “Do you want to join me?”
They had so much to talk about, to figure out. But when Quinn lifted the comforter so that Liv could climb in with her, she jumped at the chance, not wanting something silly like sense to cloud her judgement.
“This bed is terrible,” Liv said, snuggling in close, her back to Quinn’s front.
Quinn hummed, the sound thick in her throat. “It’s not great.”
She pulled Liv even closer, like she was afraid she was going to move off the stiff bed, as if Liv didn’t want to burrow into Quinn and never let go.
“Do we need to end this?” Liv asked. It was the last thing she wanted, but she had to ask, to give Quinn the out. And, as Quinn took several moments, as she seemed to be considering the suggestion, Liv’s heart was breaking.
“We probably should,” Quinn whispered. “We said we would, right? If there was ever someone else…”
“I know, I just…” Liv’s mind was reeling. “If you’re ready to be done, I understand. But I don’t want to lose you.”
Liv felt as Quinn took a sharp breath. “You’re never going to lose me, Liv. And, honestly…I want whatever I can have of you.”
So, Liv would figure out how to get through this summer, how to distance herself from Conner. She would make something work so that they could come back to this in the fall. So that she could keep Quinn. So that they could have one more year.
One more year.