Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
Leo
T his limbo is driving me crazy.
I drive to Sadie’s place on autopilot, a journey I’ve made so often I don’t even need to think about it anymore, and flick through the SD card in my car until I find an album I know she likes. I’ve lost count of the amount of times she’s made us all listen to Celebrity Skin by Hole. I know that track six is her favourite because she has a weird liking for songs with whispering, especially at the beginning before the singing starts. I know she’s going to have her hair tied back today because it’s her second day since she last washed it and she always washes it again on day three. I know she’s probably had a toasted poppy seed bagel for breakfast with ricotta and honey and a few pumpkin seeds scattered on top, because that’s her idea of a breakfast of champions.
But what I don’t know is what she’s thinking about me. About us. No fucking clue.
And between the gut sinking, heart shredding feeling of watching her literally run away from me after The Kiss at the wedding, and the thick-as-molasses tension between us ever since, I’m about ready to start climbing the walls. But I know my girl and her need for space when she’s thinking seriously about something, and the atmosphere when I’m with her isn’t the type that says she’s embarrassed.
We’ve had way too many lingering eye-meets for that.
Even so, it’s unnerving being around someone who holds your hopes and dreams in her back pocket and doesn’t seem to have any plans to do anything with them.
I keep coming back to one cast-iron fact: she kissed me . She lifted up on her tiptoes and, in one random split second, made one of my biggest wishes come true, without any warning. I’ve finally, finally tasted her lips, and, maddeningly, I still have no idea if I ever will again. Having her this close for so long and never really having her was frustrating as fuck. But now… Now, it’s a deprivation. And it’s fucking with my head, screwing with me like nothing ever has. But in all honesty, I’ll never be able to stay away, and I’ll never regret a second of any of it.
I understand that she’s under no obligation to feel the same, that I have no inherent right to her heart just because I love her, and that she deserves all the time she needs to consider what she wants to do, if anything. But I wish I had more of an idea if my heart is going to be given back to me whole and intact or mangled and devastated.
Sadie’s sitting waiting on the wall outside her home when I pull up, ready for me. She opens the passenger door without any hesitation. She’s wearing her low rise Wranglers, almost as if she knows they’re my favourites on her, and a purple top that clashes brilliantly with her ginger hair. I love how she’s wearing it today, piled up high in a messy bun with a few strands coming loose. Just like I knew it would be. “Morning,” she says, friendly but not looking at me, making a big deal of doing her seatbelt up and straightening her clothes instead.
“Morning yourself,” I reply evenly, pulling away without another word and pressing play on Hole to fill the silence.
Her eyes are glued ahead, casually ignoring me in a way that is anything but casual. Uninterested Sadie wouldn’t be here with me now out of a sense of integrity, deliberately not leading me on, and helping me to let go of her. Interested Sadie would have jumped my bones already, maybe left bite marks and hickeys on my neck to mark her territory; at least, that’s the impression I’ve always had when I consider the banked fires of her passionate nature, how scorching she is just generally. But this Sadie…
This is uncertain Sadie.
And uncertainty at least means there’s a chance.
“Did you need me to give you directions?” she asks suddenly. I tap my Audi’s on-board computer, where the satnav maps out the journey with satellite imagery. She rolls her eyes at herself. “Duh. Of course. Sorry, brain fart.”
She’s going red. This is so fucking cute that I’m struggling to keep my eyes on the road. The urge to pull over and just…I don’t know, watch the flush spread across that stunning face, is huge, but that would be incredibly weird for her if I did. This particular beautiful woman dislikes being scrutinised for her emotions at the best of times.
To help her chill out, I start singing along to Awful , and I make her giggle when I ask her “who’s your daddy”.
“ Where’s your daddy,” she corrects, shaking her head.
“Yeah, but ‘who’s your daddy’ rolls off the tongue better.”
“I’m sure it does to you , manwhore,” she bites back, grinning.
Aha.
My sexual history really is bothering her. She’s smarting off to me about it, but the truth is it’s giving her pause. Maybe even discouraging her.
I get it. But also, I can’t change my past. I’m a man with a very strong sex drive. I’ve been that way since I was sixteen years old. I can’t help that, and I won’t apologise for it, or rewrite history. And if she gave me a chance, she wouldn’t want me to.
Maybe she hasn’t considered that.
Do I dare?
A devilish feeling of mischief fills my chest. Why the fuck not .
“Say what you want about my manwhoring,” I quip, “it’s made me a fucking good lay.” Enjoying the way her jaw drops, I pull up outside the address she was given. “We’re here.”
Sadie
God damn it, Leo…
How am I supposed to think about whether I’d be a good mother to this profanity-obsessed parrot when all I can imagine is Leo throwing me down and showing me exactly what I’ve been missing all these years?
He’s laughing almost insolently at my expression from the other side of my window, and I do my best to scowl at him, but my answering smile won’t quite be smothered. Until it becomes something quite different.
Fuck it. If I’m going in there wet, he’s going in there hard, and one of us is going to have a much easier time concealing it.
So I get out of the car, leaning forward a little to make sure my cleavage is unmissable and smirking when his eyes automatically flick to my breasts. Nudging the car door shut with my butt, I walk up to him, maintaining eye contact. His grin dies down a little as I get closer, replaced with an intensity that makes heat pool in my abdomen. I get a sense of everything he’s ever wanted to do to me, and it’s intoxicating enough that I have to remind myself what I was going to say. “Eat my pussy right, until I scream your name, and maybe I’ll believe you,” I murmur to him before heading past him, shoulder checking him as I head up the steps to the front door and ring the bell like nothing’s happened.
I hear him clear his throat a little behind me before he follows me, his hands firmly in his pockets. Victory .
The door is opened by a round, mumsy looking woman with curly blonde hair and a cute smile. “Sadie?”
“That’s me,” I answer brightly, and she ushers us both in.
“Great, I’m Tracy. And your friend…?” She looks at Leo, her eyes lighting up a little. He gives her his trademark wolfish smile, and I struggle not to roll my eyes. Leo is, and always will be, catnip to everyone attracted to cis men. And it’s something I’ll need to bear in mind if this goes anywhere: that wherever we go, people are going to devour him with their eyes, and some will make a play for his attention, whether I’m there or not.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with the snarl of possessiveness building at the back of my throat at the thought of it.
I let him finish introducing himself and allow her a moment to pull herself together before I pipe up. “So, where is the lovely Gary?”
She shakes her head. “I wouldn’t call him ‘lovely’, my dear. Right little sod.” She shakes with laughter, and a West Highland terrier totters up to us, jumping up at me. “Down, Nigel!” she shouts at him, and before I can give him any love, he totters away again.
Nigel? I mouth at Leo incredulously behind her back, and he shrugs, having a little chuckle.
“Through here,” she says, leading us into her living room. “He’s an Amazon parrot, five years old. Got him as a present a couple of years back, but the bugger won’t stop saying the most appalling things. But I’m sure he’ll settle down for you,” she adds quickly.
“He doesn’t need to,” I reply. And there, in a metal cage, is the most beautiful bright green parrot with yellow feathers on top of his head, looking at us curiously, moving side to side along his perch. Something in the way he holds himself, almost hunched, speaks of loneliness, and it pulls at my heart. The cage looks well kept and clean, but I have an instant sense that this bird needs to be let out of it and fly wherever he chooses around the room. To be told he’s a good boy, and allowed to just be .
“Hello, mate,” Leo says warmly, clicking his tongue.
“Fuck off,” Gary croaks, somehow managing to sound both cranky and friendly.
We both just about collapse laughing, and just like that, he’s my parrot. It was almost a foregone conclusion before I got here, but now, there’s no way I’m not adopting Gary. He’s coming home with me, and he’s going to be doted on in every way I can manage.
“Piss off, you wanker ,” Gary says in an eerily clear and emotion filled voice.
“Ohhhh, aren’t you lovely,” I coo, still giggling as I step closer to the cage.
“Yes,” he replies, all snarky, as if this is painfully obvious, but he shuffles a little closer to me, seeming almost…hopeful.
“Make sure you keep him in his cage, or at least inside. He’s definitely the type to fly away if you don’t.”
I feel a pang as I think of this beautiful bird never flying in the open, never feeling the breeze, never knowing true freedom. Maybe if he ends up feeling secure with me, I can introduce him to the outside world in time? I hope so.
“Can I bring him to the parlour?” I ask Leo, still gazing at the newest member of my family.
“I’d be mad at you if you didn’t.” He pulls his wallet out. “How much?” he asks Tracy.
“Oh no you don’t,” I snap, reaching for my own, trying to remember how much cash I have in here. Pretty sure I haven’t spent any of the last hundred pounds I drew out.
“I’ll take it out of your wages,” he tells me with a don’t argue with me glare before looking at Tracy. “How much? For Gary, the cage, any spare parrot food you have left over, the whole shebang?”
“Oh no you don’t,” Gary says in a passable impression of me.
I love this bird already.
Leo
“I’m not taking it out of your wages,” I admit to Sadie as I pull away, Gary safely caged in her lap as she makes kissy noises at him.
“You fucking are,” she replies, not looking away from the bird.
“Accept the damn gift,” I fire back.
“Shan’t.”
“Total bollocks,” Gary agrees in his adorably creepy voice. I have a strong feeling I’m going to get very attached to this little bastard.
“Yeah, you tell him, Gary,” she coos. She sits back and sighs happily. “You know, I’ve always wanted a pet, but was never allowed one. And this little dude…” She beams. “He’s perfect. Just as he is.”
I glance at her with a frown. “Peter doesn’t strike me as the type with enough soul to love animals. Wanker.”
“Wanker,” Gary agrees, mimicking Leo’s tone almost perfectly, and we laugh.
“Yeah. Him and my dad… They both think pets are messy, disgusting, and unnecessary.” She shrugs. “But I can do what I want now. And being around Click just woke up that old longing.”
“I do love that dog a hell of a lot,” I agree, thinking of the joy I feel when he wags his tail every time he sees me, like I’m one of his favourite humans in the world. There’s nothing like the love of an animal, and I’m so glad Sadie will finally have that in her life.
Man, she really hasn’t ever been treated right by any of the significant men in her life. I’d give pretty much everything I have to be the one to change that, to show her what it’s like when someone puts her front and centre in his life. Where anyone with the slightest semblance of sense would put her.
Because anyone who had the good fortune to have the affections of this white hot livewire of a woman has used up their entire quotient of good luck for their whole lifetime.
“Can you give me a hand bringing everything in, please?” she asks me as we pull up outside her place.
“Was already planning on it.” Not least because going to see Gary went by too fast, and I’m not ready for that to be the sum total of my time with Sadie today.
In a couple of journeys, we have him set up in her living room, and the half sack of parrot feed and cage liners put away. I make a mental note to go shopping for some toys for the poor little sod, as Tracy didn’t have any to offer us. Which says a lot about how much effort she put into looking after him. No wonder he swears. I’d curse my head off, too, in his shoes. Tracy seemed nice enough, but Gary’s clearly better off with us.
I mean, with Sadie .
I look through the cage, and Gary meets my eye, saying nothing, just shuffling on the spot. I’m biased, but I can’t think of anyone better suited to look after this little guy than Sades. Two lost souls in need of healing through unconditional love and acceptance. “It’s OK, mate,” I whisper, “you’ve got a good one here. You’re on easy street now.”
“Hey,” Sadie says behind me. “Thanks. For the ride, and for helping me in with him, and…look, you have to let me pay you back. It’s too much.”
“Oh, forget about it, you.” I flip my hand. “Consider it covered.”
“It’s. Too. Much .” She gives me her best I’m-not-kidding look, and that, plus the sliver of unmade bed I can see taunting me in her bedroom just over her shoulder, makes me melt.
“It’s nowhere near enough,” I insist softly, walking towards her, backing her up until she’s against the wall. Her eyes travel to my lips, and Em and Eli’s wedding comes rushing back to me, the incredulity, the softness of lip on lip, tongue on tongue. I’m craving it right this second more than ever, and screw the softly-softly approach. That hasn’t done me any favours so far. “You have no idea how much I’d give you if you let me.”
“You don’t need to buy me things. I don’t want to be given stuff ,” she protests weakly.
“So what do you want?” I ask, leaning my hand just next to her face, crowding her and making no effort to stop. My cards have already been placed on the table; no sense in backing down anymore. “Tell me, sweetheart, so I can give it to you in spades.”
As though she can’t help herself, one hand comes up to my hair and clutches, tugging until it almost hurts, and I welcome it. “I want…” She growls. “I don’t know. Something .” And she pulls my head closer to hers, but I stop just short of our lips touching.
“‘Something’, huh?” But talking makes our lips brush together, and I’m a goner. Whatever I was going to say to try to get her to open up flies out of my mind, and instead I find myself opening her mouth with my tongue the way I’ve always wanted to. She moans, making my skin prickle, and this kiss is as electric as the first. Her hair smells like flowers, and I pull it free of her hair tie, grabbing great greedy fistfuls and wrapping them around my wrists. Her taste is so sweet it’s making my head swim, and all I can think of is more, another, and another, getting even closer to her…
She gasps into my mouth, and I swallow the sound as she grabs my ass, grinding me into her. I let out a long, guttural moan, relishing that not only can she feel how hard she makes me, she wants it.
The bed…it’s so close…take her to it and -
No. Not yet.
I break away abruptly, shutting my eyes as I catch my breath so the sight of just-kissed Sadie can’t tempt me to carry on, until I’m back under control of myself. I can hear her panting, soft gusts of her breath hitting my chin, and fuck my life , I love this woman so much.
And that’s why I take a very reluctant step back.
Also, if I’m honest, I like the way she was clinging to me…and I’m low enough to want to give her a small taste of the raw deprivation crazies she’s given me since the moment we met.
She whimpers in protest, and my eyes snap open. God, those swollen lips… That glitter in her eyes…
“Go out with me.” The words are out before I can think about them. “Let me take you out on a proper date.”
“A proper date,” she echoes.
“Yeah. Dinner. Some place nice.” I give her a wry smile. “I want to do this properly.”
She frowns, but it’s a curious thing rather than a cross one. “Why do you want to…”
“Because you deserve it.” I give her my version of her I-mean-it look. “If you’re up for it, you are getting wined and dined the way you should have been all along.”
Sades squirms a little, but I can tell she likes what she hears. I don’t miss the regretful way she looks at her bed, and it’s enough to try my patience to the very limit. “What time,” she asks, looking at Gary, who seems like he’s fallen asleep. Hopefully a good sign that he’s settling.
“How about I pick you up at seven tomorrow evening?” I’m sure I can book something decent by then. There’s a new French restaurant, Chagall, that opened up on Crockett Street. Very high class, according to the reviews, and very sexy. Award winning food, romantic music, and dim lighting. Can’t go wrong.
“Alright,” she says quietly. A proud feeling bursts in my rib cage, and I can’t stop the spread of my grin.
“Wear something blue,” I ask her.
Her head tips. “Because?”
“I like the way you look in blue,” I say honestly. It makes her eyes glow even more than they already do.
She smiles archly. “Fine, but you have to wear something green.”
…Huh. “Consider it done, Pumpkin,” I say with a wink, and move to go before the temptation to start kissing her again becomes too much for me.
“Pissflaps,” Gary says clearly, wide awake. Guess the fucker was just being discreet.
“You too, Gaz,” I call back.
I’ve barely unlocked my front door when my message alert tone sounds off.
Sadie: So, a fucking good lay, huh?
I chuckle. That’s my girl .
Leo: I’d say the best you’ll ever have, but with Peter the limp dick as my competition, that’s not saying much.
Mere seconds after I press send, she’s listed as ‘typing’ by WhatsApp.
Sadie: I’ve had decent dick in the past. It wasn’t from him.
I laugh out loud.
Leo: God, I hated that man with everything in me.
Sadie: Me too, now.
It feels good to be able to say that to her, and to read her response. Finally .
Sadie: But right now, I’m more interested in what makes you so confident that you’re such a great shag…?
My blood heats up with the thrill of knowledge that I’ve made her curious about me. About what I could do to her, for her, if she let me. I wonder if she’s finishing what we started when we kissed today, maybe with a handy vibrator, or just her long, elegant fingers…
Just the idea has the semi I’ve been rocking since I left careening towards the aching hard-on I had while my mouth was on hers.
Leo: Because I pay attention. And because there’s nothing I won’t do to give you what you need, babygirl. Anything you wanted would be on the table.
Leo: Anything.
She’s not replying, but that’s OK. I know I’m living rent free in her head right now. So let her chew on every single word I said. Let her think about me in that new way, and let her stay awake all night tonight in a fever of unsatisfied need the way I will.
Payback’s a bitch, Pumpkin.