Chapter 20
Farrah
Closing my eyes, I lift my face toward the sunshine. The warm rays soak into my skin while I take deep breaths.
A nightmare jolted me awake this morning, and I knew it was going to be a hard day. All I wanted to do was hide under my covers, so instead of allowing myself to wallow in the darkness, I got up and found a spot to watch the sunrise.
I found a little pond on Knox’s property that had the perfect spot to sit. He’d probably be pissed at me for trespassing, but I don’t imagine he’ll ever find out unless I tell him.
Memories of my past, remnants from my nightmare, try to interrupt this peaceful moment.
I’ve spent so much of my life afraid. I was torn down every single day until I finally realized there wasn’t anything left of me.
In that moment, I knew that if I didn’t take my life into my own hands, I wouldn’t survive another day.
Now, I’m grateful for every minute I get to live how I choose. I’m not beholden to anyone but myself. I always dreamed of a future like this, but I never truly believed I’d get to live it.
When I have these nightmares about my past, I have to force myself to remember how hard I fought to get to where I am.
I survived by any means necessary, and while I’d have loved to get out before my ex almost killed me, I’m proud that I was able to get away at all.
I took the hard steps to see him brought to justice for what he did to me.
I got therapy to help me move forward in my life without constantly hearing his voice in the back of my head.
I made it out.
Every breath I take is because I survived, and that is something to be celebrated.
As that reminder settles into my head, I relax back onto my hands, smiling up at the sky with a renewed sense of awe.
When I open my eyes again, a figure on the hill startles me. It only takes a heartbeat to recognize Knox on his horse.
He moves closer, dismounting when his horse is within drinking distance of the pond. We stare at each other, caught in this standoff to see who will speak first. He looks like the epitome of a roughened cowboy—well-worn hat, faded denim shirt, and matching blue jeans.
I wonder how hard he has to work to find shirts that fit his wide-shouldered frame.
He’s a big guy, and I’m only just realizing that he’s never once frightened me with his size. His words could be as sharp as a butcher’s knife, but he’s never physically scared me.
Shock bolts through me when Knox folds himself down next to me.
It’s comical to see this man sit beside my small frame as his wide shoulder brushes against mine.
The heat from his body is as warm as cuddling with a blanket.
It suddenly becomes difficult to keep from leaning further into him to wrap myself in that warmth.
“Did your dad use to work for my dad?” Knox’s question comes out of nowhere. I’m grateful for the distraction from my thoughts, though his line of questioning is odd.
“Yeah, it was one of the first of many farms he worked on as a ranch hand.”
“Did he ever bring you to work with him?”
I stare at Knox. His face is a blank mask as he keeps his gaze across the pond. “Yes. When my grandmother got sick, there were days she couldn’t take care of me, so I’d go with him.”
“You used to have a stutter too, right?”
“What the hell is going on, Knox?” Nobody knows about my stutter. It was a childhood thing I grew out of when I went to kindergarten.
He finally looks at me, his deep brown eyes filled with an emotion I can’t name. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he has a softness to him, but he’s never once looked at me with anything other than neutrality or anger.
“A memory hit me while I was riding toward you just now. I was about sixteen, and I came out of the house to find this scrawny kid standing in my yard. She had the biggest brown eyes I’d ever seen, and I swore a stiff breeze would have knocked her over.
She said her name was Farrah and asked if I could give her a snack.
She was about the size of my pinky and looked like regular meals weren’t a thing in her house. ”
I gasp. “We met when I was a kid?”
“I’m pretty sure. My dad beat the shit out of me that afternoon because I’d taken too long to get back to work. It’s probably why I didn’t remember until now. I try not to think about those days.”
“I can understand that. I don’t remember much about my childhood. My father was a mean drunk, and there were very few days when he was sober.”
Knox grunts in understanding.
“Did you blame me for your getting in trouble?”
He shakes his head. “I’d have gotten a beating for something else that day, no matter what happened.”
I bite my lip, trying to decide if I want to ask the question that’s been plaguing me since we first met or if I’d rather just let it go.
“I can’t give you an exact reason for why I’ve been a shit to you.”
I whip my head toward him. “How did you know I wanted to ask about it?”
He scoffs. “Princess, your every emotion is displayed on your face. It’s like reading a children’s book.”
I stick my tongue out at him, and to my utter shock, he barks out a laugh. It’s a rusty sound, as if his voice box isn’t used to making it.
“Where’s Finn this morning?” I ask.
“He had a sleepover at Muriel and Stan’s.”
It shouldn’t surprise me that Holt’s parents would act like grandparents to Finn. They’re constantly bringing ducklings under their wings.
“Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the way Holt’s family loves each other?” I ask.
Knox raises an eyebrow at me, and I roll my eyes.
“Oh, sorry. Was that too emotional for you?”
He gently knocks his shoulder into mine, upsetting my balance, and I crack up laughing.
“You’re a pain in the ass,” he grumbles. “But yes.”
He doesn’t elaborate, but the fact that he admitted it is enough for me.
A comfortable silence stretches between us.
The frogs and bugs start to sing their summer song, providing a soundtrack to the morning.
I bask in both the warmth of the sunshine and the heat coming from Knox.
For a man whose anger gets tripped so easily, he’s an oddly calming presence.
I’m still fighting the urge to lean further into his side like Whiskey curls up with me for a cuddle.
I don’t want to disrupt this peaceful moment between us, but my ass is starting to go numb from sitting on the ground for so long. Adjusting my body brings Knox out of his thoughts, and he jumps to his feet with more agility than a man of his stature should have.
He holds out his hand to help me up, and I cautiously take it. His big paw swallows mine, making me feel delicate in a feminine way instead of fragile. We lock eyes, his gaze piercing mine as if to read my every thought. I’m not sure if I want him to know how I feel.
My stomach is in knots with the knowledge that I find this exasperating man extremely attractive. I have from the very beginning, and I’ve never truly known what to do with those feelings.
How could I like a man who has been nothing but an asshole to me from the moment we met? Why, of all people, did I have to like him?
Then he switches things up and is suddenly nice to me. I’ve got whiplash from his behavior.
It was easy to ignore my attraction when his personality was so horrid. Now that I’m finding out he has a whole other side to him, I’m more confused than ever. I shouldn’t want this man to kiss me silly. I’ve had my share of difficult men in my life. There’s no reason for me to pursue this one.
And yet, my lips are tingling at the thought of him leaning down to press his full mouth to mine. What would his beard feel like against my cheeks? Is it soft or rough?
His horse snorts, making both of us startle. I catch a tinge of pink on Knox’s cheeks before he turns and strides away. He swings himself up into the saddle with ease and then nods at me before he kicks his horse into a gallop.
I have no idea what just happened, but something passed between us that I’m not sure I’ll be able to ignore the next time we’re together.