Chapter 28
Knox
No matter how many deep breaths I take, my anger is coursing through me like a raging thunderstorm.
It took more willpower than I knew I possessed to keep the anger off my face. The last thing Farrah needed was to feel the waves of absolute fucking fury pouring off me. I’m still not sure how I managed to pull it off.
I know exactly why she reacted the way she did earlier. It took years for me to stop flinching at shit that triggered me.
The way she looked at me after I asked her to turn around shattered my already broken heart. It was as if she’d resigned herself to the pain she thought was coming. It takes years of abuse to get to that point. I want to ask her if it was just her dad who abused her or if it was someone else.
Now isn’t the time though. Even if she weren’t passed out against my shoulder, I wouldn’t discuss what happened while she’s drunk. That conversation requires a clear head, and neither of us has one of those tonight.
Once I’m parked outside her house, I debate what to do. I don’t want to wake her up. She looks so fucking cute right now.
In the end, I don’t have much choice. I’ll have to move to get her out of the truck, no matter what.
I slowly turn my body to slide my hands under her. With careful movements, I manage to get myself out of the truck and scoot her out with me. I realize my mistake the second I get to her front door.
I don’t have the door code to get inside.
“Princess,” I say gently. She barely stirs, which makes me want to laugh. “Farrah. Wake up, sweetheart.”
“Hmm?” She moves her head back to look at me with sleep still in her eyes.
“I need your door code.”
“1324,” she mumbles.
With more finesse than I imagined I had, I enter the code and open the door.
I carry her upstairs to her bedroom. It’s the only door that’s open in the hallway, and I roll my eyes at the sage-green walls.
I can’t deny that it’s a soothing color.
I also have a feeling she painted the floral mural behind her bed.
A swath of watercolor flowers spans the entire wall, matching the color theme.
It’s beautiful, even if it’s not exactly my taste.
I pull the light grey bedspread down and gently settle her into bed. I take her shoes off before covering her with her blanket and then press a kiss to her forehead.
“Knox?”
“Yeah, baby.”
“Don’t go.”
“What?”
She opens her eyes, looking up at me with longing. “Stay with me. Please.”
I stare at Farrah for a long moment before nodding.
I strip off my boots and then my shirt as she scoots to the middle of her bed.
I climb in behind her, ignoring how uncomfortable I am in my jeans.
When Farrah wakes up in the morning, I’m not going to terrify her with being practically naked in her bed when I’m sure she just asked me to stay because she’s drunk.
Farrah cuddles into my chest, breathing out a contented sigh. She’s asleep again within minutes, while I lie awake for a long time. I card my fingers through her soft hair. My thoughts are racing with questions.
Am I ready to take on this magnitude of a relationship?
Farrah isn’t the type of woman you half-ass anything with. She’s strong and wonderful and worth putting in the effort for.
It’s been a long time since I’ve opened myself up to someone.
I’m not good at being vulnerable. I don’t think I’ve ever let someone fully in.
It was one of the many things Leona would get pissed at me about.
I wasn’t “emotionally available” to her, and yet any time I’d try to talk with her about our life or future, she’d clam up instead of talking to me.
I gave up, and ever since, talking about my emotions has only made me want to shut down.
Farrah’s the first woman who’s ever made me want to try. There’s something inside her that calls to me. It’s what pissed me off when I first met her. Her magnetism drew me in, and I was not about to let another woman try to disrupt my entire life the way Leona did.
At least, not until Grayson verbally smacked me upside the head. He made me realize I was putting my triggers onto Farrah, which I knew wasn’t fair to her.
She’s everything good in this world, despite the horrors I have no doubt she’s experienced. I’m in awe of the way she lives every day with a smile on her face. I took my trauma and wrapped it around me like fucking armor while she threw herself into finding the joy in life.
I hated her for that…and simultaneously wanted to surround myself with it.
How can she lie here by my side when all I’ve done is drag her down into the mud? I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why she willingly let me touch her after all the shit I spewed at her.
I’m also selfish enough to never ask. I don’t particularly care why she let me into her life. I want to be here.
This is where I was supposed to be all along. By her side, lifting her up when she isn’t strong enough to do it on her own.
And the bottom line is, I don’t want to go back to the life I had before.
The only bright light I had was Finn. It’s not fair to force that kind of pressure on him.
I’m responsible for finding my own happiness, and now that I’ve gotten a peek at what it can feel like, I’m not sure I could let her go even if it was the right thing to do.
Farrah’s brought more joy into my life in the few weeks since we crossed that line than anything has in years. And that includes Finn, which is a bit of a mindfuck to think about.
I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but I’m determined to give this relationship everything I have left to give.
I just hope that it’ll be enough to keep her.