Chapter 30
Knox
Isnort out a laugh at the scene in front of me. Grayson is dramatically falling to the ground as a horde of kids jump on him to “slay the villain.”
We all ended up at Holt’s parents’ house at the same time. Naturally, Muriel and Stan wouldn’t let us leave until we had lunch together. It’s been a fun afternoon. Having Farrah here with me has changed the way I see these gatherings.
I have no clue how she does it, but she brightens every room she walks into.
I haven’t been able to take my eyes off her.
Earlier today, she had a conversation with Gia that I was dying to hear.
Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment, and I fully believe Gia was giving her the third degree about the dirtier side of our relationship.
Holding myself back this morning was one of the hardest things I’ve done. She looked so pretty, all sleep-mussed. I wanted to strip that dress off her and find out exactly how she tastes.
I want her more every minute we’re together, but I know she needs time.
It hurts to see her pull away when our kisses turn a little heated.
It makes me want to kill whoever put that hesitation in her.
I don’t need her to tell me that she’s been abused.
If she physically hadn’t flinched away from me, I’d still have seen it in her eyes.
It’s the same look I had for a long time after my dad died.
What I can’t figure out is how long she’s been away from the abuse or how far it went.
So I’ve held myself back as much as I can. I want her to come to me when she’s ready. I want her to trust me to take care of her. I’d never push her further than she wants me to, but I have to prove that to her first. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get there.
Finn tapping on my arm shakes me out of my thoughts. “Daddy, can we go home now?”
“Of course, buddy. Let’s go say our goodbyes.”
He holds my hand as we make our rounds with Farrah at our side. We feel like a family. A few months ago, I’d probably have said something shitty to shove that feeling away. Now, all I want to do is hug Farrah and Finn a little tighter. The switch is a little jarring, but I can’t say I hate it.
I’ve had time to come to terms with how Leona ruined my view of family. Pushing my emotions down was the only way I could survive my childhood, so that’s how I made it through what happened with Leona as well. Except all it did was make me a bitter, angry man.
I’m determined to let go of those emotions to focus on the two people who have made my life a whole lot better.
Farrah and Finn walk hand in hand to my truck while I trail behind them. Finn’s telling her a big story about the fort they built last night. He wants to build one in his playroom now, and she’s giving him advice on the best tools to use to make it sturdy.
“Will you have a sleepover at our house tonight?” Finn asks as she helps him into his seat.
She turns to look at me in question, and I shrug at her, making it clear it’s up to her.
“We’ll need to stop at my house to get some clothes, but I’d love to,” she says.
Finn cheers, agreeing to the request as if he’s the one driving. I don’t mind. I’m not ready for her to go home yet either, so I’ll take any excuse for her to stay with us just a little longer.
* * *
“What the heck? How do you keep winning every round?” Farrah laments from the kitchen table. I smirk, knowing exactly how she feels.
Finn giggles. “I don’t know. Daddy says I count cards, but I don’t understand how that’s cheating. I already know there’s fifty-two of them.”
Farrah laughs. “I think your daddy was being a silly goose.”
That tickles Finn so much he almost loses his balance in his seat at the kitchen table. I’m putting the finishing touches on dinner while they play War. It’s brought me an odd amount of satisfaction that Farrah hasn’t fared any better against Finn than I do.
“Hey, now. I have never been a goose, let alone a silly one, in my life.”
My statement makes both of them laugh even harder. I’d take offense, but I love seeing the two of them in cahoots. I bring dinner over to the table, dishing up a plate for Farrah first and then setting another one in front of Finn.
“This looks amazing, Knox. Thank you for cooking,” Farrah says as she digs in.
Finn talks around his mouth full of food. “Daddy is the best cook.”
“Let’s be safe and chew our food before we talk, buddy.”
He nods, following my instructions before he begins again. “He makes the best spaghetti and meatballs. I like this dinner too, but it’s not my favorite.”
Farrah asks what his other favorites are, and from there, they talk about everything they love.
I’ve learned more about Farrah tonight than I have in the past month.
Leave it to my son to show me up when it comes to conversation.
I’ve never been one for small talk, but I’m realizing I probably should’ve asked her more questions.
I soak up the information like I’ll be tested on it.
She loves to watch the sunset and eat rocky road ice cream on her back porch when it’s warm out. Her favorite color is yellow, she has a stuffed rabbit she’s kept since she was a little girl, and she usually spends her evenings reading.
I feel like a boring old man when I realize I don’t have answers to any of the questions Finn asks. I couldn’t pick a favorite color or flavor of ice cream if my life depended on it. I don’t have a preference for watching the sunset or a hobby I enjoy.
I must be the lamest man on the planet. And when I say so, Farrah laughs.
“You’re not lame, you just have different things you prioritize.”
“You like riding horses,” Finn says, trying to help me.
“True.”
“You’re very good at chopping wood.” The sparkle in Farrah’s eyes sends heat through my body. I know exactly what she’s thinking about right now. The last time she saw me chopping wood, I caught her checking me out.
I raise an eyebrow at her. “I suppose I do have some interests. Although there are some things I would like to learn a whole lot more about.”
Her face flames when she catches my drift. The grin she tries to hide lets me know I didn’t go too far. Should I be pushing her a little bit more? Showing her that I want her with everything in me, but on her timeline? I might have to test that tonight.
Farrah insists on cleaning up dinner, shooing me out of the kitchen while Finn helps her. I sit at the table, unable to go too far away from them. It’s a glimpse at a future I didn’t think would ever be a possibility after what happened with Leona.
A part of me worries this is moving too fast. The other part believes it’s happening exactly as it’s meant to. I figure if I take this one day at a time, it won’t matter. We’ll end up doing everything on our own time.
When they’re done with the dishes, we spend time reading books in Finn’s fort until it’s time for him to go to bed. Farrah heads downstairs while I get Finn in his pajamas.
“Do you think Farrah would want to be my mom one day?” His hesitant question makes my heart break.
“I’m not sure, buddy. We’re still getting to know each other right now. Would you like her to spend more time with us?”
“Yeah, our house feels happier with her here.”
A soft smile quirks up the corner of my mouth. “It does indeed. How about we give it a little bit of time before we decide to ask her to stay forever? Would that be okay?”
“How long is a little bit?”
Fuck. I wasn’t prepared to give him an exact date. “Uh…let’s talk about it again in two months.”
“Ughhhh. That’s forever away.”
I snort, ignoring his pouting. I somehow cajole him into bed, and he’s asleep within a minute.
When I get back downstairs, I find Farrah waiting on the couch. She smiles as I sit down next to her, laying her head against my shoulder. “He’s such a great kid, Knox.”
“Yeah, he is. I got really lucky with him.” His question about Farrah being his mom is stuck on a loop in my head.
Is that something she’d want? Would she want to have her own kids?
Would I want to have another kid? It both terrifies me and elates me to think about Farrah getting pregnant with my baby.
Fuck, I’m thinking about shit I have no business thinking about right now.
“You’ve also raised him to be an incredible human being. That’s not just genetics.”
I squirm a little at her compliment. It’s hard to take credit when I know he started off being an amazing little dude.
Farrah snickers at making me uncomfortable.
I retaliate by tickling her rib cage. She squeals in protest, squirming away from me.
I follow until suddenly I’m lying over her, both of us breathing a little hard.
I have one foot on the floor, and the rest of my weight is balanced on my other knee on the couch.
Farrah is stretched out underneath me, looking like a goddess.
Her dark hair is splayed out like a halo around her head and her cheeks are flushed.
I can’t help but taste her, dropping my mouth to her neck. She tilts her chin up to give me more space. I take it as a green light to keep exploring her. I press kisses up to her jaw before taking over her mouth.
When I start to run out of air, I move back down her neck to explore her collarbone and the teasing V of her T-shirt.
“Knox,” she gasps when I use my nose to push aside her T-shirt, giving me access to the fleshy part of her breast. She tenses as my kisses get closer to her nipple, and I pull away immediately.
“You have all the power here, Princess,” I say, gazing up at her. “All you have to do is say stop or no, and everything ends immediately without a single repercussion.”
She stares at me with her big brown eyes as if she’s trying to read my mind.
“Do you trust me?” If she doesn’t, then this all ends, and I’ll move more slowly. I have no idea what her experience with sex looked like before me. I have a few guesses, but I don’t want any of them to be right.
She nods, slowly but with confidence. “Yes.”
“And you trust that I’ll stop the second you say so?”
“Yes. I’m not scared of you, Knox.”
“Then tell me your hesitation, Princess.” I keep touching her, running my palm up under the hem of her T-shirt. She’s so fucking soft against my calloused hand. I can’t help myself despite the fact that it would be better if I stopped pawing at her while she told me her reservations.
“I’m scared of being out of control.”
It makes sense. I may not know the details of her past, but holding on to any kind of control is paramount to survival.
“It’s scary to jump into something you’re unsure of.
But I swear, every time you leap into the unknown, I’ll be there on the other side, ready to catch you.
I know my words aren’t enough, but let me prove it to you. ”
Keeping my eyes locked on hers, I drop my mouth to the exposed slice of skin between her shirt and shorts. I kiss her from hip to hip, teasing her with my tongue as I move across her body. She shudders at the sensation, goosebumps rising on her skin.
She bites her lip and nods. “Show me, Knox.”