Chapter 3
The sight of the carriage should have brought with it great relief for Lottie.
The night had been an abject failure in every sense of the word, and the sooner that she was home and in bed, the sooner that tomorrow would come so that she could put the night behind her once and for all.
Perhaps, in time, she could forget that it had even happened.
However, as it came to a gentle stop beside her, Lottie felt a pang in her chest, what almost felt like something was lost to her that she would not find again. Of course, it had everything to do with Mr. Wyndham …
He was too kind by far. It was the type of kindness that Lottie ought to have been suspicious about, as she was not used to such things. And were he not so genuine in his kindness, she would have assumed that he wanted something from her.
Which is impossible, as I have nothing to give …
“Thank you for the carriage,” she said with a friendly smile, hoping it would show Mr. Wyndham how grateful she was.
“Yes …” He bit his lip as he looked at the carriage.
It helped, too, that he was rather dashing.
Tall and strongly built in stature, his jaw square, his features sharp and perfectly symmetrical.
But he wasn’t intimidating or dark, as so many lords were.
Rather, there was something approachable about him, a sense that he was fun and carefree, and that he liked that about himself.
A shame that she would never see him again.
Lottie could not say why, but the realization struck her so that she felt sickened by it … a sickness she felt in her heart.
“Thank you,” she said to Mr. Wyndham as the driver opened the door. “Forgive me again for running into you. A lesson well learned,” she added with a soft chuckle.
“Miss Gray, before you go.” He stepped toward her as if he meant to take her by the arm, only to stop himself. “I would like to ask you something.”
“Oh?”
“It might sound a tad random, and I understand if you refuse me. Truly, with how little you know of me, I would not be surprised. But I have had a thought just now …” A smile flashed behind his eyes. “Let us call it a dream.”
She laughed. “Let us hope it comes true.”
“It is my sister-in-law,” he said. “She has two daughters, one seven and one nine. They are lovely girls, truly; they mean the world to me. Alas, they have recently lost their governess due to circumstances which do not matter, so I will not waste time explaining them to you. But the point is, a position is opening in my family’s home … ” He looked at her pointedly.
It took Lottie a moment to understand what he was saying.
Yes, she had told him that she was a governess, but she had not meant anything by it. When he asked her, Lottie had just assumed it would be easier to agree than risk telling him who she really was.
In truth, she did not even know who she was, the daughter of a lord, perhaps, but it did not feel like it. Certainly not after tonight.
But he looked at her, his meaning clear, and her eyes widened with understanding.
“Oh!” she gasped, panic rising in her throat. “I … are you –”
“You said yourself that you have just been denied a position, no? And while it might be a bit random, I have a feeling about you.” He shook his head to himself. “I cannot say why, but I feel that you will be perfect for my nieces.”
“That is …” Lottie’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she raced for an excuse. “That is very kind of you to say, but I doubt your sister-in-law –”
“Leave her to me,” he cut over her. “If I tell her that I trust you, she will too. Truly, all you need to do is meet with her once, and I know that she will be thrilled to hire you.”
He looked at her with such hope, such honesty, that Lottie could not stand it. Why did I tell that silly lie?
She searched quickly for an excuse, anything to dissuade the offer so that he would not push her. It hurt to do so, because Lottie did not want to upset Mr. Wyndham, not when he had been so kind to her. But she could not possibly accept! There was just no way.
Or was there …
The thought came to her slowly, like dawn peeking over the dark horizon.
But just like the arrival of dawn, once it came, it was undeniable.
Lottie had no place in the world. She had no future.
Her aunt controlled her; she would always be a prisoner, and even though she was a lady of the ton, such a life would never be hers.
What was more, the thought of going back to her aunt’s home was its own sort of misery. Lottie did not know who she was, but she knew who she was not. She was not one to be controlled, to be denied, to be forced into a life that she did not want or deserve.
And while the life of a governess was not something she ought to have sought or wanted, as she looked at Mr. Wyndham, as she saw the hope in his blue eyes, as she remembered how kind he had been to her when he did not need to be, she felt … it was not happiness, per se, but hope.
Hope that her life could be better. Hope that there was more to it than she knew. And hope that her dreams, one day, might become real.
“What do I need to do?” she found herself asking before she could stop.
He beamed. “Tomorrow, Hawthorne House in North London. Come and meet with my sister-in-law, any time you can, and I know that she will be thrilled. Please, Miss Gray,” he pressed. “I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but it would be a tremendous favor, and I would owe you.”
He would owe me …
It was a horrible thought to have, but never before had someone owed Lottie anything. Beyond that too, Lottie found that she wanted to help. She did not know Mr. Wyndham, but he had been kind to her when there was no need, and that meant something.
“Tomorrow,” she said. “I will be there.”
“Wonderful!” He could not have looked happier.
Mr. Wyndham was quick to help her into the carriage. As he did, he explained how to find his home and what to do when she arrived. He spoke quickly, excitedly, and by the time he closed the door, Lottie had no doubt how much it meant to him.
She shifted to the window, saw him smiling, and her chest tightened just a little. Yes, he was handsome. Yes, he was a dream come to life. But that wasn’t why she agreed to help.
Although, and such a realization was unavoidable, seeing him again would not be the worst of things …
Needless to say, Lottie’s mood was piqued when she arrived home later that evening. The home was quiet, as her aunt and cousin were still at the ball, and this allowed Lottie to drift through the home and toward her room without fear of being disturbed.
While she was determined in her decision, that voice still niggled away at the back of her subconscious, one which warned her against this path. She was a lady of the ton, after all, and to lie about who she was might bring future hardships that she ought to avoid.
To quiet the voice, Lottie went to the dresser in her room, opened the bottom drawer, and pulled out a neatly folded piece of parchment. She took it to her desk, sat down with a single candle for light, and read the short transcript.
The letter was one written to her by Lord Blackwell; he who was in charge of her fortune. In the letter, he made sure to tell her that he would always look out for her, while confirming that her fortune would be gifted to her once she married.
Once I am married, as if such a thing will ever happen.
That was the cruel irony of her life. While Lottie had been promised so much since the day of her birth, she had no control of her life whatsoever.
Her fate was sealed by her aunt. Her fortune was held onto by her father’s friend. She could push, she could beg, she could demand, but she might as well be speaking to a deaf man.
Her life was not her own, and it never would be, and if she stayed with her aunt, it would be others who decided her future, not her.
She read the letter a final time, and it steeled her resolve to a point that could not be broken. The decision she had come to, while strange, while filled with its own dangers, was her decision, and that was what mattered.
For the first time since her parents’ death, Lottie controlled her future. It might not be that which she had always dreamed of, but it was hers to do with as she wished.
Finally, she would be free.
***
Lottie’s things were packed. A carriage had been summoned. Goodbyes were given to Blanche. Ready to leave, knowing that she would never return, there was just one thing left to do.
Lottie found her aunt sitting in the morning room, enjoying a cup of tea as she read in the morning sun. For a brief second, Lottie stood in the doorway, studying her aunt, sure that fear and panic would take her at any moment.
After all, that was normal, that was expected, and a sleepless night had left Lottie fearing this very encounter.
Strangely, when she looked at her aunt, Lottie was not struck by fear. She felt no nerves. And she certainly wasn’t going to change her mind.
My aunt does not control me, and it is time that she knows this.
“Auntie,” Lottie said as she entered the room. “Might we speak for a moment?”
Her aunt looked up, and her expression turned cold. “Oh, look who it is. I had wondered when I would see you today, Lottie. Truth be told, I expected you to hide for a little longer. Few cower as well as you do.”
“I have no intention of cowering,” Lottie said bravely. She stopped halfway into the room and stood proudly. “In fact, there is something –”
“Perhaps you should,” her aunt cut her off. “After what you did last evening …” She sneered. “It is lucky that I saw you before you could embarrass yourself. Not to mention Rosalind. Honestly, Lottie, did you even stop and think what your presence might do?”
“I had no intention of embarrassing you or Rosalind.”
“I try, and I try,” her aunt sighed. “But what good does it do? Truly, the pain you bring me, girl.” She shook her head to herself. “I often wonder if it is worth it.”
If there had been any doubts whatsoever about her decision, her aunt’s words did away with them well and truly. How had Lottie lived like that for so long? And how had she believed that things might ever change?
“I am glad to hear you say that,” she began, “as I have been trying to tell you, there is something of which we need to speak. I thought that perhaps you might wish to change my mind, but seeing as I am such a burden, I wonder now if you might encourage it.”
“What are you speaking of?”
“Last night, a new opportunity was presented to me,” Lottie said. “One that I intend to take, and one that will see you free of me, as you obviously wish.”
“What?” Her aunt sat up. “What opportunity? What are you saying?”
“It does not concern you,” Lottie told her.
She had considered telling her aunt the truth, but knew that would be dangerous to do, as her aunt might try and interfere with it, out of spite, if nothing else.
“But I am here to say goodbye. A carriage waits for me outside, and once I climb inside, I do not intend –”
“No, no!” Her aunt was on her feet. “You are leaving? Where? Tell me, girl. What is going on?”
“As I said, it does not concern you.”
“That is where you are mistaken,” her aunt snapped. “Everything you do concerns me. I wish it was not so, but your name is tied to my own, and should you bring shame to it, who do you think will suffer? Me! Now, tell me, what is this opportunity?”
Lottie smiled, which surprised her. “That I am so intrinsically tied to your name is your fault, not mine. All I have ever wanted is my own life, and you have denied it to me at every turn. That stops now.”
Her aunt snarled. “Oh, very well. You wish to leave? Go! See if I care.” She threw a hand out, pointing toward the door.
“But if you walk out of here, do not expect to return! You leave now, and it will be as if you have died to me. Do you understand? I will forget you, and when you wish to crawl back, you best find someone else to take you in. We will be through!”
“Aunt Danvers …” Lottie beamed. “That is all I have ever wanted.”
With that said, Lottie turned and walked from the morning room. Then from the residence. Then, she climbed into the waiting carriage and directed it to Hawthorne House.
She had expected to feel some sense of worry, that voice in the back of her mind warning her that she had made a terrible mistake. But what Lottie felt as her old home vanished behind her was not fear; it was not panic, and it was certainly not regret.
She felt free like she never had before. A new life awaited her, and one thing was true above all else: it could not possibly be worse than the life that she had left behind.