Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
The introduction
sapphire
I woke before Nik. My body wanted sleep, but my mind wouldn’t loosen its grip. Not when I was lying beside a male. The only one who’d ever touched me with gentleness, the only one who’d ever made pleasure feel real instead of something I had to fake to survive.
I hadn’t known sex could be anything other than endurance. But with him . . . it had been soft. Demanding. Freeing. It had been something I didn’t have to dissociate from.
The release he gave me—my first, and likely my last—still pulsed faintly through my memory. And by the light, I was glad it had been with him.
His warm, solid arms were still wrapped around me. He hadn’t moved all night. I traced his triceps, fingers running over the hills and valleys of muscle, as his chest moved in and out with breath.
For the first time in forever, I felt safe. Even time with Meeka and Abby never resulted in a feeling of security like it did in Nik’s bed. That should have comforted me, but instead, it made me nervous. Safety could be ripped from me at a moment's notice.
My mind shifted to the words he’d whispered when he thought I was asleep. He was falling in love with me, and I was someone ruined who’d let him. A burden he shouldn’t have to carry. Even if my heart leapt at his words.
The guilt twisted into something that felt like justification.
I told myself I owed him that moment. That I’d finally paid my debt.
Even if desire muddled everything—even if I wanted him—it was easier to believe it was repayment for all he’d done, both here in Lucius and back when I was still alive in The Grey.
I’d stayed too long.
That was the truth of it.
I’d let myself sink into something warm, something soft, knowing I wasn’t built to keep it. Knowing I’d have to leave. And when I did, it wouldn’t just be me walking away—I’d take something from him with me. Something he didn’t deserve to lose.
My jaw tightened.
Selfish.
That’s what this was. What I was.
Proof that no matter how safe I felt, no matter how much I wanted it . . . I was still the problem.
Pale sunlight streamed through the window, washing over us like melted butter.
Nik’s copper curls caught the rays, turning golden.
As I lay in his arms, I took the time to really look at him.
From the almond freckles dusted over his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.
To the way his full, sable lashes kissed his skin. Long enough to make any woman jealous.
Perhaps in another life we could have shared something special. If I’d been a different version of myself that wasn’t broken.
My fingertips found their way to his chest, dancing over his skin, beckoning him from slumber. He stirred, drawing in a deep breath, his eyes cracking open. His gaze found mine instantly, and I offered him a soft smile.
“Morning,” he groaned, stretching like a cat who’d slept hours in the warm sun.
Heat pooled between my legs, as I watched his tanned skin ripple with muscle. No man had ever made my body feel like it was on fire the way Nik did.
“Morning,” I said softly, trying to keep my eyes on his face and not what I knew lingered under the sheets.
He grinned, leaning down to press a kiss to my shoulder. I inhaled his scent, committing it to memory. It would be the only one I’d care to remember.
On instinct, I moved closer, huddling into his embrace as he trailed kisses across my collarbone and up the side of my neck. I hated that it felt so good. That I actually wanted more.
No doubt he would. That’s what most men want once they’ve had a taste. Even perfect men like Nik. If he pushed, I’d probably let him have it too. He deserved it after all.
Then he pulled away, kissing me on the forehead before sitting up. “Are you hungry?”
I laid there for a moment, briefly stunned, a million thoughts racing in my mind. Did he not want more? Perhaps he didn’t enjoy last night as much as I thought he did. Was I losing my touch?
He perched there, half off the bed, waiting for my reply. “Sapphire?”
I scrambled to sit up, dragging the sheet to cover my body. Heat bloomed up my throat, sending a flush through my cheeks. “Sorry, yes. I’m starved.”
Nik flashed a grin and stood. It was hard to keep my eyes off his toned, muscular figure, and his decently sized manhood, as he scooped his pants off the floor and slipped them on.
He caught my gaze just as I pretended to find something on the other side of the room particularly interesting.
“Do you like pancakes?” he asked, brushing past me to collect my rumpled nightgown on the floor.
“I—I can’t say I’ve ever really had them,” I murmured.
Nik flicked his gaze to me, tossing my gown onto the bed. “Are you telling me you haven’t tasted the best thing ever to be created with flour and eggs?”
I shook my head slowly as he sauntered towards me.
“Well, that’s about to change,” he said, leaning down and pressing a brash kiss to my lips.
Before I could answer, he walked out of the room.
I sat there baffled. He made living look so easy. Made me feel like I could have this life if I wanted it too. Tumbling in the sheets like lovers. Walking streets where no fear resided. Laughing as effortlessly as windchimes in a breeze.
Yet I was someone who’d laid awake at night hoping Kavish would die. Hoping that the next male to lay a hand on me would cease to exist. That the women who spoke nothing but poison about me would have their tongues cut out.
I’d survived by becoming exactly what they needed me to be. Learned how to smile when I didn’t want to. Learned how to make myself useful, desirable . . . easy. That kind of survival didn’t leave you untouched. It was carved into you. Changed you.
And now I didn’t know how to be anything else.
How was I supposed to live in a place full of light and goodness?
I couldn’t . . . and I knew it.
With a sigh, I slipped from the sheets. My feet hit the cool floorboards, a sharp contrast to Nik’s lingering warmth running through my veins. I wrapped my arms around me automatically, as if covering myself might make me hide from the weight sitting above my head.
When he’d left the room, he looked at me like I belonged here, but I couldn’t let that thought take root.
I pulled the nightgown over my head, and smoothed the fabric, trying to compose myself.
As I turned to make the bed, something glinting on the bedside table caught my attention.
I froze, my breath catching. It was Nik’s amulet.
The one that allowed him through the Lucius gates without question.
It was gold, the insignia of a crown etched into the smooth, oval surface.
My hand reached for it, then I stopped myself.
I stared at it too long, knowing full well what taking it would mean. Knowing what not taking it would mean.
There was no way I was getting through the gates without it. Someone would stop me as soon as they knew I wasn’t some elegant, dangerous Lightner soldier like Adalia, but a simple, ordinary woman
But if I had Nik’s amulet. I could walk out undetected. Right?
My chest tightened at the thought. If I took it, I’d be free. Nik would find someone prettier, less damaged than me, and soon I’d be forgotten.
Sharp pain darted through the palms of my hands, enough to shock me. I was curling my fists so hard, I’d almost made my skin bleed.
A soft thump sounded behind me, and immediately I turned, worried I’d been caught in the act of taking what I knew wasn’t mine.
It was just Wisp.
Relief washed over me as she bounded across the room, her tiny paws pounding the floor. She wound herself between my legs, looking up at me with pale green eyes, and insistent meows.
Leaving her behind felt wrong. Yet I knew that travelling through forests all the way to the Drayton Sea was no life for a cat. She’d be safe here . . . with Nik.
I crouched down to the floor, scooping her up into my arms, pressing tiny kisses to her soft head. She purred in return, nuzzling her nose into my chin. At least she wouldn’t suffer great loss in my absence.
The kitchen smelled of honey and melted butter. I moved slowly, watching the way Nik drifted about with such ease. He’d shown me kindness when I’d believed in the depths of my soul it no longer existed at the hands of a man.
He looked up from the stove top and grinned. “Grab a plate.”
The fluffy, golden stack stared at me from the counter top. “Why pancakes?” I asked as I put two on a plate and covered them with some honey.
Nik glanced over his shoulder, and then back to the pan. “Adalia taught me the trick to perfect ones. And I became addicted then.”
I offered him a smile. “Well, if Adalia taught you, they must be good.”
He finished a few more and then sat at the table opposite me. Even though we’d shared an intimate moment together, he still gave me the space I needed. Ever the gentleman.
The pancakes were impossibly light, melting the moment they touched my tongue. He watched for my reaction, hopeful in a way that twisted something deep in my chest.
“They’re . . . incredible,” I admitted.
His smile widened, warm and unguarded. “Told you. Perfect.”
We ate in a quiet rhythm, forks scraping lightly, Wisp occasionally tapping my leg with a paw as if begging for crumbs. But even as I tasted sweetness, a pit formed in my stomach.
A life like this—a kitchen warmed by sunlight, breakfast shared with someone who looked at me like I wasn’t a burden carved into flesh—wasn’t for someone like me. I could pretend for a few hours. Maybe even for a day. But forever?
No. Not when my past clung to me like a stubborn stain.
Nik cleared his throat gently. “Sapphire?”
I flicked my gaze to him. He’d said my name so many times, but not my real name. I wanted to know what it sounded like rolling off his tongue. I wanted to hear him moan it while he was buried in me. I wanted him to know . . . Blythe.
Yet I swallowed down the ache in my throat, and with it, my name. “Yes?”
“There’s somewhere I’d like to take you today,” he said. “Flowerfall. It only happens once a year.”