Chapter Twenty-Four
Last night’s eighties resident party is all I can think about as I arrive at the hospital the next day. I stop at the good coffee shop on the first floor of the hospital because today is not the day for the cheap, doctor’s lounge brew.
“Hey,” a voice calls out. I raise my head at the sound of Forest’s voice as he approaches with Keegan. “You’re going for the good coffee today too?”
“Yes,” I say. “It’s needed.”
“You Irish goodbyed us last night,” Forest says. “What happened?”
My eyes meet Keegan’s, but he pulls his gaze away from me and looks down. “I was tired. And wanted to get a good night’s sleep.”
“Well,” Forest says, smiling. “You must have made a good impression because Matt texted me and is wondering if I’d ask you if he can have your number.”
“Sure. Why not.” I glance at Keegan, who crosses his arms over his chest and looks surprised.
Keegan pulls the pager off the waist of his scrubs and looks at it. “I’ve got to go.”
When he’s gone, Forest shrugs his shoulders. “He’s been acting off since the moment we walked into the hospital together.”
“Maybe he and Elise got into a fight or something,” I say, digging for information.
“Nah,” Forest says. “Keegan made a comment to me this morning, and I have the impression that it isn’t going anywhere.”
After grabbing my coffee, I go to meet the other residents and await today’s orders from Dr. Parse. Myles and Raven are already there, and Raven lets out an exaggerated yawn.
“Luna.” I’m brought back to reality. “You are on the cardiac step-down floor today.”
“Wait.” Dr. Parse stares at me when the words fly out of my mouth, and my mind goes to Keegan. It will be hard to avoid him if I’m on the Cardiac floor. “Can I switch with someone?”
“No, Dr. Oliver. You can’t. Every resident has their assignment. Myles. You’ll be with Luna on Cardiac.”
Myles and I go to the Cardiac floor where we’ll be rounding with other residents, and a nurse points to one of the hospital rooms, and we walk in. Keegan is in there with a nurse, examining a patient. Our eyes meet, and he nods while holding his chin.
“Dr Oliver. Dr. Worth.” He hands me the patient’s chart. “This is Mr. Stanotti. We’re preparing the operating room. I originally hoped to do a Transcatheter Aortic Valve Replacement today, but he had some congenital abnormalities so we’ll need to do a sternotomy.”
With my stethoscope, I listen to the patient’s heart. He has an obvious murmur with some palpitations. His breathing is also short as if he can’t catch his breath. Myles then listens.
“Aortic Stenosis?” I glance at Keegan.
“Yes,” Keegan says. “An irregular heartbeat. The patient has angina, shortness of breath, and constant heart palpitations. A CT confirmed the diagnosis.”
“How long will I be under?” Mr. Stanotti asks Keegan.
“The surgery lasts anywhere from four to six hours. You’ll be well taken care of sir.”
Keegan turns to Myles and glances at me. “You can both scrub in today and observe.” Myles grabs my arm and squeezes. If it were up to him, he would shadow Keegan every day.
I need to get my head in the game, but I have a hard time focusing. We head down to the operating room, and the surgery team gets scrubbed in. Keegan pulls on a surgical cap that says you have a pizza of my heart, and it’s filled with pizzas and hearts. My mom also made this one for him. Keegan pulls a mask over his face, and I do the same. Then we continue scrubbing up to our elbows.
Keegan makes a six-inch incision down the patient’s chest, right between the collarbones. A technician hands him the surgical saw, and he cuts through, starting at the top of the sternum and working his way down.
Keegan then gets the retractor in place, to split the sternum apart. He carefully cuts the pericardium, and the beating heart becomes even more visible. He replaces the valve, talking through the entire surgery. He’s calm and soothing, and it’s obvious how much he is liked and respected by everyone in the operating room. Surgical teams ask to be with him.
Several hours later, when the surgery is complete, Keegan starts closing the patient up.
“Dr. Oliver.” Keegan glances at me. “Take this sternotomy wire and lace it through the needle.” Keegan continues. “His bones are a bit hard, so I’m going to use a drill to make small holes for the wires to go through.”
Keegan demonstrates, and I lace the wire through the bone. The stainless-steel wires are thicker than I was anticipating. His bones start coming together.
“That’s it, Dr. Oliver. You’re doing great.”
“Dr. Worth.” Keegan glances at Myles and hands him more wire. “Now you try.”
Myles then laces the wire through and looks at me in amazement that we’re getting to be so active in a surgery.
“Excellent job, team.” Keegan finishes closing his chest.
Keegan leaves the operating room first, and then we all follow. A technician helps Myles and me get out of our gloves and gown, and I feel the natural high like I always do after getting to be part of something like this.
All of the baggage I brought to work this morning disappears the moment I scrub in. It’s a rush of adrenaline, power, and possibility, in every surgery I’m in. I walk to the changing room, done with this shift that ended up going beyond twelve hours, because once I’m in surgery, I’m in it until completion, no matter how long it takes.
As soon as I step out of the changing room, my eyes lock onto Keegan’s form. He’s leaning casually against the wall, his knee bent up and his arms folded over his chest in a way that makes his arms look massive.
With a fluid motion, he pushes off the wall and falls into step beside me. We head outside and thoughts flood my head, but words remain buried. All day, I’ve pushed aside my anger toward him, but now that it’s just the two of us, the feelings bubble up to the surface.
He goes to touch my arm, but I push him away. “Please don’t.”
“What’s wrong?” he asks, stepping away from me.
I glance at him, and he manages to look hurt, even though I’m the only one with that right.
We get a couple of blocks away from the hospital and I finally turn to him.
“Everything,” I say. “I slept like crap last night. This feels too complicated, and I just don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“Can’t do what?” Keegan says as my apartment building comes into view.
“You.” I point to him. “Me.”
“I’m sorry if I don’t understand what taking it day by day means,” he says. “I don’t know how things are supposed to go.”
My mind flashes to last night. I hated how out of control I felt over my emotions. How helpless I was seeing Keegan with Elise.
“I don’t know either,” I say. “But I don’t think you’re supposed to parade a woman around in front of me. That part seems clear.”
“Elise?” Keegan puts his hand on the wall next to me. “Your brother invited her. I didn’t know what to do. She..”
Keegan stops talking, so I fill in the blanks. “Kissed you. Yeah, I saw. Thanks for that.”
“I didn’t want that to happen,” Keegan says. “I sat her down and told her that I have feelings for someone else. Is telling your brother that Matt can have your number your way of taking things day by day?”
We stare at each other. My hands on my hips and his folded over his chest.
“This will always be our problem,” I say. “Because we can’t be together openly.”
“That’s bullshit, Luna.” Keegan drags his hand down his face. “You’re making excuses. If this is about Forest, let’s sit him down and have a conversation. We’ll tell him we want to be together.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” I cover my face. “We can’t tell Forest. And is that even true?”
Keegan’s eyebrows knit together, and then he reaches for me. “It is for me.”
“I’m overwhelmed.” My body shakes as thoughts flood me. “I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I need to show up every day at work as my best self, and that’s not how I felt today. I was distracted. I can’t afford to be distracted.”
I step out of the alley, but Keegan stays put, watching me. He tucks his hands into his pants’ pockets. “So that’s it, Luna? Really?”
“You and Forest have spent the past few years teasing me constantly,” I say. “Wondering why I cycled through men so frequently and refused to settle down. It’s because I’m laser-focused on my goals. Men are a distraction. You’re a distraction.”
Keegan steps toward me. “I wasn’t teasing you, Luna. I was—”
“I have to get out of here,” I say, tears dangerously close to the surface. I turn from Keegan and rush toward my building.
When I get inside my apartment, I let myself release a breath. I lean against the door and put my head in my hands. This is what I do. I’m a scientifically-minded person, and when it comes to emotions that can’t be measured or explained, I panic and walk away. Having feelings for someone means that my feelings are tangled up with theirs, and I’m not in a spot where I can be openly vulnerable.
I can’t scientifically explain that of all the men I’ve met in the city, I only ever think of Keegan. And I sure as hell can’t explain why he’d like me over a successful surgeon like Elise. None of it makes logical sense to me.
There’s a pounding at the door, and I jump. I slowly open the door, and Keegan’s hair looks disheveled and he’s sweaty as if he ran up the eight floors to reach me sooner.
“We can’t leave things like this,” he says as he walks through the entrance.
I hold the door open for him. “My roommates could have been here.”
He looks around the place. It’s just the two of us here.
“Look,” Keegan says, pacing back and forth, and then color spreads across his face. “I like you.” Keegan squeezes the nape of his neck as he steps closer to me.
I press my body into the door behind me, relying on it to hold me upright.
“I’m not good at feelings,” I say. “I’m not in a place where I can do complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be complicated.” Keegan’s eyes narrow. “I know you don’t want anyone distracting you from your goals. I would never do that, Luna.”
“Well,” I say, blood rushing to my face. But he’s known me too long. He sees into me, where all my truths lie.
Keegan places his fingers around my wrist. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for us to be at the same place in our lives? We’re finally here, and when we kiss, I am so damn sure about you. I know you feel something too.”
“But what if it doesn’t work out,” I say. “We’re ruining the dynamic of what we’ve always been. And you hurt me last night.”
“That’s fair,” Keegan says, as his arms press against the closed door, caging me in. I lean back farther against the door. “I don’t know how to act in public around you. You’ve made me so nervous that someone will find out about us, that I’ve done the opposite and pretend that I barely know you.”
“I don’t know how to do this either,” I say. “Which is why walking away seems easier.”
“But what if I don’t want to walk away?”
“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” I try to push off the door, but Keegan grips my waist, his hands pressing into my sides.
He pulls me close and kisses me. I don’t hesitate, as instinct, and not logic takes over. I wrap my arms around his neck and press my body into his with urgency and relief. His hands grab my hips, holding me steady against him.
My body mocks my words. My sadness and anxiety of the day were because I craved to hear everything Keegan just said to me. I wanted to feel the need he has for me. Keegan holds me against the wall and presses his hard body into mine. He grips my arms above my head, intertwining his fingers with mine. He tastes like a candy cane, and his touch is becoming familiar and very welcomed in my life.
“What now?” I pull back, breathing heavily, needing to stop things before we lose control and Myles or Raven walk through the door.
Keegan steps away from me. He adjusts his shirt and runs his fingers through his hair.
“Let me take you on a date.” Keegan grabs my earlobe and caresses it.
“A date?” I pull my bottom lip into my mouth.
“Yes.” Keegan kisses me gently.
“I think I can try that,” I say, breathily.
I move my arms from his neck and put them around his waist, and we hold each other. I rest my head on his chest, feeling both relief and fear because there is no turning back and erasing all of the new things I feel for this man.
Keegan kisses the top of my head. “According to this calendar, you are off on Thursday night. Can I take you out?”
“Yeah,” I say, taking a deep breath. “Okay.”
“I’ll never hurt you.” Keegan kisses me one last time and walks to the door. “But you have all the power in the world to crush me.”
“And you still want to try this? Knowing that?”
“More than anything.” He squeezes my hand and walks out into the hallway.