Chapter Thirty-Four
We sit in the Funeral Home off Elm Street and stare at a picture my mom found of Mrs. Baldwin, Mr. Baldwin, and a young Keegan. Next to the photo, is a vase that will eventually hold her ashes and flowers from so many people in town. The poster boards we worked on all night are on display.
Keegan was adamant that the funeral be private. He allowed my mom to put a write-up in the local paper, and invite people to a visitation at the funeral home from one to three. And even though my mom insisted on having cookies and juice available, Keegan thought that was wholly unnecessary because he thought no one would show up.
A little before one, the door to the funeral home opens, and Keegan lets go of my hand, looks at me, and then the door. Forest also jumps to his feet and pats Keegan on his back.
“I love you, man,” Forest says.
Keegan presses his lips into a thin line and then links his fingers in mine. “Stay close to me.” And then he looks at Forest. “Both of you.”
We stand near the vase and photos, and an older woman approaches us. She holds her hand out to Keegan.
“You must be Keegan.” He nods his head. “I’m Delores. I own the flower shop in town, Cherry Blossoms. I was so sad to hear about the passing of your mom. She was a neat lady.”
Keegan’s body stiffens, but then he manages to curl his lips up. “Thank you for coming and paying your respects, Delores.”
The woman wraps Keegan’s hand in hers. “She used to come in every Friday and get a bouquet, and she’d bring it out to the cemetery and put it on your dad’s grave. As the years went on, she came less and less. But then last week, she stopped again after not coming for years.”
The line keeps forming and nearly reaches out the door. People stand around, nibbling on cookies and looking at the photos we tirelessly put together. I stay by Keegan’s side as people come by to introduce themselves and share a nice story about Mrs. Baldwin. The shop owner who fixed her car all these years. A waitress at Cherry Pies who Mrs. Baldwin was always kind to.
“Keegan,” an older gentleman approaches us. “I don’t know if you remember me. I’m—”
Before the man can respond, Keegan interrupts with a smile. “Mr. Verny.”
The teacher’s lips turn up, and Keegan does something very out of character and wraps his arms around the gentleman, and they fully embrace.
“Luna,” Keegan glances at me. “This is Mr. Verny. My ninth-grade biology teacher.”
Mr. Verny smiles. “I believe I had your brother too.” He then hugs Forest. “But then I retired a couple of years later.”
He takes Keegan’s hand and holds it. “And this here was my brightest student. By the time the year was over, he had devoured all of our textbooks, and the advanced anatomy and physiology books.”
Mr. Verny puts his hand on Keegan’s shoulder. “I don’t get to town much anymore, but about a month ago, I was picking up something at the lumber yard, and I ran into your mom at the gas station.”
He pauses to clear his throat. “She told me you’re a cardiothoracic surgeon in New York City. She couldn’t have been prouder. And I told your mom, ‘Well, of course he is.’ She was so proud of you Keegan. Her face lit up when she talked about you.”
I glance at Keegan, and his Adam’s apple bobs, and he tries to hold in emotion that is trying hard to escape.
“Thank you for making the effort to be here. And for your kind words.”
Before I let Mr. Verny leave, I snap a photo of them. The line is constant and doesn’t stop until well after three. The entire town showed up for Keegan, and every person who went through the line had something nice to say about Rain Baldwin. Her life was messy and chaotic, which brought pain to Keegan, yet every single person spoke easily about how she’d enhanced their lives.
It’s hard for me to hold love for her, however. I keep thinking about an eleven or twelve-year-old Keegan, getting the shit beat out of him by her boyfriend, and Rain sitting back and doing nothing for far too long. But then I stare at our intertwined hands. He’s hugged everyone today, tugging me along, because he hasn’t let go of me. And I know that Rain couldn’t have been all bad because she is part of what made Keegan. And well, he may be the closest damn thing to perfection that I’ve ever met. Of all the people he could love, he chose to love me.
There must have been good in Rain Baldwin too.
After everyone leaves, we sit in chairs, looking at the pictures.
“Thank you, guys,” Keegan says to no one in particular. “I thought all of this was overkill. But my mom would have loved it.”
My mom stands and starts gathering all of the pictures. Her back is turned to us, but I can hear the sniffle she tries to hide. She then turns to Keegan. “Until hearing all the stories today, I’d forgotten that there were some happy times too.”
My mom’s voice trails off, and she rubs her eyes. “She let us love and provide for you when she knew she couldn’t. That’s the most unselfish thing a person can do for someone else.”
“I’ve never seen a parent as proud of her kid as she was of you.” My dad stands and puts his arm around Keegan’s shoulder. “I was reminded today of when she took out that full-page ad in the newspaper announcing that Keegan got into Harvard.”
“She stopped everyone in town to let them know that you’re a surgeon in New York,” my mom says. “You were her pride and joy.”
Keegan nods, and when I see thick, wet tears falling from his eyes, I reach over to him and rub them away with my thumb.
“We’d gone years without talking, or rarely talking.” Keegan stares straight forward. “But for the past month, we got to the point where we’d talk daily and had really good conversations. I can’t believe I missed her by only a day. I should have been here.”
“The last time we spoke,” Keegan continues. “I told her all about Luna.” He looks at me and squeezes my hand. “There’s this peace I have, that in the end, we both said all the things we needed to say to each other.”
“I hate when people tell a mourning person that everything happens for a reason,” my mom chokes out. “And that’s not what I’m telling you. But part of me thinks that the last gift you gave her was booking that plane ticket and the daily phone calls. But she was never going to be able to see your face as you witnessed how she was living.”
Forest puts his arm around Keegan, and no one else says anything. It occurs to me how much better life is when we’re willing to let go of things. Rain Baldwin was more than her mental illness, her struggles, and her choices.
Today isn’t about holding onto the bad things. It’s about wrapping Keegan in love and support while reminding him that there were also good parts of his mom that she shared with the community. Life is hard, for some more than others. At times, we bring on the difficulties, ourselves, but at other times, we get so lost in the billowing seas of grief to see straight.
Rain never recovered from losing her husband all of those years ago. And the shame and guilt that followed meant Keegan didn’t get the best version of his mom that he deserved. When we don’t face our demons head-on, we pass them on to the next generation.
Keegan clears his throat. “Well, that may have been my last gift to my mom, but I think her last gift to me was that adorable kitten who doesn’t leave my side when I’m at the trailer.”
“What?” My face jolts in his direction. “Are you thinking about taking that kitten home with you?”
Keegan slowly nods. “I think I am.”
“A cat dad.” Forest smiles. “I can see that. And you have the space.”
“That’s wonderful,” my mom says. “They are so low maintenance. But now she needs a name.”
“It’s a he,” Keegan corrects her.
“How about Purrcocet? Get it?” my mom suggests with a laugh.
“Or Prrmonary?” Forest offers.
Keegan thinks about this, and then I clap my hands together, thinking about the first case I scrubbed into with him. “Thoracotomy. We’ll call him Thor.”
“We will, will we?” Keegan gives me a sideways smile and grips my leg. “He does look like a Thor. I love it.”
*****
Forest and I fly home together the next day. Keegan will spend a few days in Cherry, wrapping up some things. We share a ride from the airport, and I turn to Forest and finally ask the question that has been weighing on me.
“Are things good between you and Keegan now?”
“They will be.” Forest nods. “We had the most real conversation of our lives while back home. I needed to hear a few things.”
The car inches in the direction of my apartment, stuck in afternoon city traffic. “Are you still mad at him? At me?”
Forest inhales a sharp breath. “If I’m being honest, a little. Whether I have a right to be or not. I hate that you felt like you couldn’t tell me. You two are so different. But now when I see you together, I’m kicking myself that I was so self-absorbed that I missed all the signs. I just wish you would have told me instead of having me find out the way I did.”
“I take full responsibility for that,” I say.
“I may be the asshole here,” Forest says. “I’ve considered that. It’s going to take me a moment, but I promise, I’ll get there. I’m never going to lose either one of you.”
Forest shakes his head but then continues. “Keegan is the best man I’ve ever met, Luna. He’s the kind of guy who would come running, no questions asked, if I ever needed something. And if you hurt him, I won’t be able to get over that.”
“For—”
“But, Luna.” Forest puts his hand up and cuts me off. “You are my sister. If Keegan hurts you, I’ll have to kill him. I know none of this is about me, but I am in an unusual place of having no control over whether our relationships stay intact. And I hate not being in control.”
“Look,” I say, turning to face Forest and resting my elbow on the back of my seat. “I know my track record in relationships has sucked. But I’ve realized, it’s not because I’m bad at relationships. It’s because I’ve never been with anyone I was willing to fight for. I feel so differently about Keegan.”
“I know, I know,” he says, waving me off. “But—”
“Hear me out,” I say. “I can’t guarantee what the future holds with Keegan. But I know when I picture my future, he’s in it. And all I can promise you is that we’ll never put you in the middle if things don’t work out.”
The car slows down as we approach my building. Forest lets out a laugh. “Who are Keegan and I going to talk to about our dating lives? We were each other’s person. And as far as I’m concerned, he’s taken a vow of celibacy for the rest of his life.”
“I love you,” I say, wrapping my arms around him. Peace spreads throughout me at the lighter mood. I breathe in my big brother. “Isn’t there a little relief that the person you consider the best man in the world is the one I’m with?” “I’ll get there, Luna. I will.” Forest gets out of the car and opens my door for me. “Be good enough for each other. Both of you.”
“Let’s grab dinner this week,” I say, rolling my suitcase toward the door. “The two of us.”
“You got it,” Forest says through a smile. And I feel a lot of hope that everything is going to be okay.