Chapter Thirty-Three
Forest and I don’t bother to stop home. Instead, we drive out to Keegan’s mom’s land, where she’s lived in a trailer right on the West Two Rivers. We step out of the car in silence, but two cars are parked out front, one of them being our mom’s.
Forest and I enter the trailer, and the stale air hits me all at once. It’s suffocating and musty, and the cramped space feels like it’s closing in on me. Everywhere I look, there are piles of junk—old newspapers, empty bottles of alcohol, and worn furniture. A small orange kitten greets us.
We make our way through the maze of clutter, dodging discarded knick-knacks and tattered rugs. Finally, we reach the kitchen, where my mom and Keegan speak in hushed voices, leaning against the counter. Keegan’s eyes land on Forest and me, and they seem to lock onto us like a heat-seeking missile. His gaze shifts between the two of us, and his mouth falls open in surprise.
The world around me fades away as Keegan steps closer, his features etched with exhaustion and sadness. His eyes are bloodshot, and his jaw is dusted with day two stubble. Keegan pushes off the counter and closes the distance between us. In a single, fluid motion, he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close to his chest. His hands grip my waist tightly, and I can feel the warmth of his skin through my clothes. My arms shoot up to wrap around his neck, and I bury my face into his shoulder.
Nothing Forest and I just discussed is even relevant anymore. Because I won’t hurt this man again. I’m home.
Neither of us says anything, but we hold each other, and I move my hand to his chest and feel his heartbeat slow down, steadily. He then kisses the top of my head and pulls away.
With my thumb, I wipe away a tear from Keegan’s cheek and then reach to my toes to kiss it. He doesn’t take his eyes off of me and keeps his hand wrapped in mine. He needs me, and I don’t care that my mom and Forest are here, or that I said we needed space because I need him more than I need anything else.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper into his ear. “We came as soon as we heard.”
“Look at this.” We turn to my mom when her voice rings out. “My three babies. All home. For the first time in, well, what feels like forever.”
My mom wraps her arms around me and then moves on to Forest. And then, as if nothing happened, Forest walks to Keegan and embraces him.
“I’m so sorry, man,” Forest says, and it feels like he’s apologizing for more than the death of Keegan’s mom.
My mom puts her hand on Forest’s. “I need to pick up your dad, and then I should go to the funeral home. Forest, would you help me?”
“Umm.” Forest looks at me, then Keegan. He hesitates. “See you back at the house?”
Keegan nods. “Yeah, I have a few things to wrap up here.” And then he looks at me. “You don’t have to stay.”
“I want to.” I lace my fingers in his. Keegan releases a breath in relief. “If that’s okay?’
My mom and Forest navigate through the clutter, then walk out of the trailer.
“Thanks for coming.” Keegan grips my hand as if I’m a life vest keeping him afloat. “This has been a lot.”
Keegan leads me outside, and we sit on the front step of the trailer. The kitten follows us and nuzzles Keegan’s leg. “I can’t think in there. This is how she lived. This was her life.” He shakes his head. “And apparently she had a cat.”
I turn to Keegan, and our knees press up against each other’s. “What do you know so far?”
“The sheriff called me this morning. And I was on the first flight out of Chicago. Your parents met me at the airport, but I had already rented a car, so your dad drove back alone and your mom with me.”
Keegan reaches his arm out to me but then pulls back. “They found her in the river. Toxicology will take a few weeks, but I think she was higher than a kite.”
I close my eyes and look up at the gray sky as thunder rumbles in the distance.
“I’ve been walking around this shithole of a trailer, and there’s nothing salvageable. It’s all garbage, and this is how she lived. I was in New York, making a decent living, and my mom was living in rodent-infested filth.”
Keegan moves closer to me. The cat lets out a meow and tries to find a spot between us. “I was going to be here to visit tomorrow. I could have helped her. Brought her to New York with me. Got her into a treatment center. Something. But instead, she died completely alone in the fucking river.”
“Keegan.” My voice comes out strained due to fatigue, emotion, and the desire to take away all of this pain from him. “You tried so many times. You’ve been there for her, and she couldn’t wait to see you. You’ve talked to her every day on the phone for the past month. She knew how much you loved her.”
He puts his hand on my arm. “I need to get out of here. Let’s head to your parents’ house.”
We get up, but the cat protests. Keegan secures it inside and promises to come back later with food. We then drive the short distance to town, where my parents still live in the four-bedroom, two-bath house that Forest and I were raised in. And Keegan too. We get inside, and there’s pizza from our favorite parlor called Cherry’s Pies.
“There you kids are.” My dad wraps me in one of his hugs. And then puts his hand on Keegan’s shoulder. “I hope everyone’s hungry. There’s enough pizza to go around.”
“I think tonight calls for a toast to Rain.” My dad reaches into a cabinet, brings out a bottle of whiskey, and pours five shots.
We hold our glasses out and simultaneously say, “To Rain.”
“To Mom,” Keegan says.
“The autopsy is tomorrow morning,” Keegan says. “And then they’ll release the body. I’m fine with an open house visitation, but then I’d like to do a private funeral and burial. Just us.”
“Whatever you want, son,” my dad says, gripping Keegan’s shoulder.
My dad then turns to Forest and Keegan. “Grab a drink. I want to show you the progress I’m making on the car rebuild in the garage.”
The three of them head outside, and my mom pours us a glass of wine. She leans against the kitchen island and studies me.
“How are you holding up, Luna?” She clenches the kitchen island. “You’re pale. And thin.”
I let the wine warm my stomach. “It’s been a really hard week.”
“Forest called me the day he found out.” Her head bobs up and down, and in that one gesture, I know that she is aware of everything. “I then had a nice chat with Keegan. And you haven’t answered my calls in several days.”
“I’m sorry.” I look down at my glass, tracing my fingers along the ridge. “I didn’t know what to say.”
“Oh, honey.” My mom pushes off the counter and puts her hand on my face.
My eyes meet hers. “You’re not mad at me? Disappointed?”
“Not only was I not disappointed.” My mom takes my glass and puts it down. “But I wasn’t surprised either.”
“Really?” My eyebrows shoot to my forehead. How could she not be surprised? The entire relationship with Keegan caught me completely off guard.
“Luna.” My mom reaches across the island and wraps my hand in hers. “T+hat boy has loved you for what feels like an eternity.”
“But I wasn’t sure if you were ever going to get there, and I certainly wasn’t sure he’d ever admit it to you.” My mom takes a long sip of wine. “But then I saw you look at him the night we were all having dinner at Forest’s, and I suspected that maybe you were starting to feel something for him too.”
My mom closes her eyes and shakes her head. “I knew that Forest was going to struggle with it. And not because you and Keegan don’t make sense, but because Keegan was always his. From day one, Forest has felt this irrational protection over him. But Keegan didn’t need protection. He’s a very capable man.”
My tears burn through the surface until they fall openly down my face. “You knew all of that? I wish you would have told me.”
My mom puts her glass down and wraps me in a hug. “And most importantly, I recognized that the only person Keegan needed with him today was you. He relaxed the moment you arrived. It’s the first time I saw him exhale a breath since he arrived here.”
“I haven’t been very good to him,” I say. “I’ve been so concerned about not getting in the way of their friendship, that I detached from both of them. I should have fought.”
She shakes her head. “Forest is an adult, and he will need to realize that while he’s been out East becoming a doctor, you’ve been doing a lot of growing up yourself. He still sees you as his kid sister.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I wipe my face once again.
I don’t need her blessing, but having it takes a weight off my chest all the same. I only hope Keegan will still want to try a relationship with me. I’ve been less than reliable. When things got remotely complicated, I tried to leave. Every single time. If I was Keegan, I’d be the last person I’d want to invest in.
My mom excuses herself and makes her way to the bedrooms to get them ready. I take a step forward, my feet sinking into the plush carpeting that lines the floors of the hallway, and I work my way to my childhood bedroom, the one I moved into at twelve when Forest left home.
The sight that greets me is both comforting and disorienting. The walls are still painted in the same shade of yellow that I chose when I was a teenager, and the posters of my favorite bands and movies still hang above my bed. I take a step forward, my fingers trailing along the edges of the old posters as I take in the memories that flood back to me.
After putting on shorts and a tank top, I crawl under the covers, lie down, and stare at the ceiling. I can’t quit thinking about Keegan directly under me, in the bedroom that my parents built when Forest and Keegan were teenagers. They called it their guest room, but as soon as the basement was finished, Keegan moved down there and out of Forest’s room.
I don’t recall when Keegan stopped sleeping at his mom’s trailer, but in the years before he left Cherry to go to Harvard, he was a regular in our house. He was here for every holiday, special occasion, as well as the regular days.
Instead of trying to sleep, I quietly creep out of my room, and head down a floor. Keegan’s door is shut, but a light glows through a gap near the floor. I knock once and then enter. Keegan glances up from the photo albums sprinkled across the bed and looks surprised to see me. He takes his glasses off and puts them on the nightstand.
“What are you still doing up?” Keegan asks as I walk to him. He sits up, shifting his legs off the bed.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I say.
“Yeah, me neither.” Keegan’s eyes focus on my legs before moving to my face. “I’m trying to put photo boards together for tomorrow’s visitation.”
I reach Keegan and stand between his legs. I go to sit, but then he wraps his arms around my waist and buries his head into my stomach. His shoulders start trembling, and even though no sound comes out of him, I know he’s crying. I move my hands to his head and hold him. I run my fingers through his soft chestnut-colored hair, and his grip tightens on my back.
Keegan is always so stoic, but the dam breaks within him, and he outwardly expresses his grief. I stay still and let him hold me so tight, that I feel like a balloon on the verge of popping. Several minutes pass like this until he pulls away from me and wipes his eyes.
“Let me help you,” I say, sitting opposite him on the bed. “I’m good at photo boards.”
Keegan points to the dozen albums splayed out. “This pile is my mom’s from the early years, and these over here are from your mom. She thought there could be photos of my mom and me in them, but I doubt it.”
I open the pink and purple album with flowers adorned on the cover and start looking through it. It’s from a trip we took to the boundary waters. I look to be about ten in the photos, which means Forest and Keegan would have been around sixteen.
“Look at this one,” I say, leaning over to show Keegan the photo. He holds onto the corner of it and smiles.
In the picture, I sit between Forest and Keegan on a rock, with a lake and forest in the background. We’re dripping wet in our swimsuits, and towels stretch out beneath us. My lips are bright red from the popsicle in my hand. My smile is big, and Forest and Keegan both have an arm draped around me. Keegan is tan compared to us. He always got so brown in the summer.
“I remember that day,” Keegan says, continuing to study the picture. “It was warm, and we spent the day at our campground, swimming in the lake and hiking the trails.”
“Wait,” I say, remembering something. “Is that the night I forgot to put our food in the bear canister? And we woke up to realize a bear had visited our camp and eaten half our food?”
Keegan chuckles and hands the photo back to me. “And Forest was so mad at you and made you cry. I stepped in, lied, and said that it was me who’d left the food out.”
“I’d forgotten that.” I glance at Keegan for a beat too long. He looks so tall on this bed in his flannel pajama pants and shirt. He always had my back in so many ways. He still does.
We both lean against the headboard and look through albums together. I don’t know why I ever thought Keegan was awkward and dorky. Because now when I look through the photos, all I see is a smaller and younger version of the person he became, and I feel this intense need to protect him from all the bad things in this world and to remove any pain he may feel.
I take a long blink, resting my eyes for a moment. The exhaustion of the past few days catches up with me. I lean back on a pillow, vowing to close my eyes only for a moment.
“Hey, Luna.” I open my eyes to Keegan gently shaking my shoulder. I’m now lying down, as he leans over me. “You dozed off.”
“I did?” I rub my eyes, and he comes into better focus. His eyes sparkle as he hovers over me. His hand squeezes my shoulder.
“You need sleep,” he says quietly. “You should head upstairs and go to bed.”
Keegan’s dark tresses cascade over his forehead, casting a shadow over his face. I reach up and sweep the strands of hair out of the way so I can see him better.
“Luna,” Keegan says, leaning into my touch, but then pulling away. “You don’t have to.”
“I don’t have to do what?” I continue to lie back on the pillow, groggy, and stare up at him.
Keegan wrinkles his forehead and pushes away from me, but I grab his arm and pull him back.
“You don’t have to make me feel better.” Keegan glances at my fingers wrapped around his arm. “Not like this. I can’t—”
“I’m not good enough for you.” I move my hand to his face again, and this time, he doesn’t flinch. “I’ve been all over the place. This is who I am. This is what I do. I find reasons to leave. But with you…” I let my voice trail off, suddenly shy.
He puts his hand over mine and removes it from his face. “But with me what?”
I go to cover my face, but he holds my hands, leaving me exposed. “You told me you’d wait for me to get to the same place as you. But the truth is—”
“Luna.” Keegan’s fingers trace the outline of my jaw. “It’s okay if you’re not.”
“I love you. Actually, I’ve always loved you. Even before you took me to Chelsea Eats and ate tacos and funnel cakes with me. I’ve just never said those words to anyone. And it freaks me out. But I don’t care about the fact that my longest relationship has only lasted a few months, or that Forest is going to take a while to come around. It’s been exhausting pretending I don’t love you, and I don’t want to pretend anymore.” I say the words quickly, and my face fills with heat the moment they are out.
“Sorry,” I say, catching my breath. “I really need to start talking less.”
“You love me.” Keegan smiles and reaches his hand out for mine.
I pull Keegan’s face to mine until our lips press together. His body is warm and heavy atop mine, and the sadness and anxiety I’ve felt in the past few days lighten. His hand cups my cheek, and I kiss his neck, and the smell and taste of him reminds me of everything good in the world—like the long gravel road we used to bike on at my parents’ home. The lakes we used to swim in as kids. The camper we’d go on long road trips in. My mom’s apple pie she’d bake for every holiday. He reminds me of my favorite ice cream, mint chocolate chip. Of the kid who patiently did science experiments with me in the garage. Of that boy who lied about leaving our food out so my brother wouldn’t be mad at me.
“Have you ever had sex on this bed?” I whisper into Keegan’s ear.
“No,” Keegan laughs into our next kiss. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Because this was pretty much your room as a teenager.” I reach my hands under Keegan’s shirt and feel his warm skin. “I figured maybe you’d snuck a girl or two down here back in the day.”
“Do I strike you as a guy who would have girls sneak into their bedroom as a teenager?” Keegan brushes my hair back.
“And I’ve already crossed every boundary with your family by being in love with you. I will not cross another boundary and have sex with you in their home.”
“But, Keegan.” I grab his face. “I’ll be very quiet.”
“Hard no, Luna.” Keegan laughs as he sits and puts distance between us. “But I’d love it if you stayed with me tonight.”
“Yeah, I can do that.” I move closer to Keegan, grab his face between my hands, and kiss him.
We get to work going through photos. He picks the ones he wants, and I put them on the poster board. With each picture, he has a story to accompany it, and the more I learn about him, the more love I feel.
When we finish, we crawl into bed and face each other. We talk about everything. I tell him that I’m strongly considering applying to be at Jamaica Queens Hospital for years two and three. And then I’d return to Presby for years four and five, before applying for a trauma and critical care surgical fellowship. I’m not surprised when I’m met with nothing but support.
Keegan talks to me about his earlier conversation with Forest, and his thoughts on the dynamic that exists between the three of us that explains some of Forest’s reactions. He methodically scrapes his fingers down my arm as he tells about the last eight years of his life, since the last time I saw him when I was a precocious eighteen-year-old at his medical school graduation. He shares the emails he’d get excited to receive from me. The Amsterdam trip with his roommates and fellow residents, when he got his tattoos, and how he always hoped life would somehow bring us together.
I don’t know when we fall asleep, but we’re awoken to a knock at the door. Keegan cuddles into my back and lifts his head. The door swings open, and Forest stands there, looking at us like he caught us in the act of something.
“Mom sent me down,” Forest says. “You’re due at the funeral home in an hour.”
“Forest.” Keegan rubs his eyes. “We were just sleeping.”
Forest chuckles. “Yeah. I know.”
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” I say.
Forest leans against the doorframe. “I love you both. And if you guys are happy, I promise you, I will be too. I’m still processing. I know this isn’t brand new for the two of you, but it is for me.”
“That’s fair,” Keegan says.
“Alright.” Forest taps the door. “One hour.”
He closes the door, and Keegan and I look at each other.
“Maybe we need to ease the guy into it,” he says.
“Agreed.” I kiss Keegan’s cheek and then get out of the bed. “See you upstairs soon.”