Chapter 15 Tatiyonna
FIFTEEN
TATIYONNA
Song: J. Howell- My Everything (live)
Over a month had gone by, the flowers were still coming in, and the deposits for lunch and dinner were still coming.
The text has stopped because I blocked Jah.
I had already completed my marriage counseling sessions with Kileen, and he was waiting for my final answer if we were going to reconcile.
My heart just needed to see where Jah’s head was at.
So, I got dressed and headed to his house.
All my calls and texts had gone ignored.
I pulled up and sat in my car for a minute, trying to get my thoughts together.
His door popped open, and he stood there just staring at me before he walked off, leaving the door open.
“Why are you ignoring me?” I went in as soon as I closed the door behind me.
“I told you, I don’t argue, so come in with a different attitude,” he calmly said.
“Jah, why are you ignoring me?” I remained calm.
He stood there just staring at me.
“You can go back to your husband.”
“What? Why are you not answering the damn question?”
“Did you have an abortion?” He waited for an answer that I wasn’t ready to give. “Aight then, you can go back to your husband. I’m good on you. Shit was amazing, but I don’t fuck with how you move.”
“How do you know about an abortion?”
“I’ve been making love to you for months, Tatiyonna. I know when you’re ovulating and I know when your cycle comes on. I came to see you, and I watched you get out of that car with your best friend helping you in the house. The fat ass pad you had on told me everything I needed to know.”
“Jah, you ignored me. What was I supposed to think?”
“The same way you just popped your ass up over here, is the same way you could’ve popped your ass up over here and told me you got pregnant in Thailand.
By you getting rid of it, let me know you were going to pick that nigga from the jump.
And you’re the same one that said you couldn’t get pregnant from that nigga, but you killed mine. ”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. That feeling in my chest when I saw my husband with that girl was the same feeling I was having right now. It felt ten times worse, though.
“So again, go back to your husband, Tatiyonna,” Jah said coldly.
“Jah, please don’t do this. You’ve got to take some responsibility in this as well. We had no business sleeping together without protection.”
“You’re right. I take responsibility because I never should’ve fucked with you like that, knowing you were in a situation with your husband.
I let my fucking heart get in the way. My bad for that.
I’m not taking responsibility for you laying on that table and letting them suck my baby out of you, though. That’s on you.”
“Fuck you, Jah! I thought you were different, but you’re just like him, too. You know just how to make me feel like shit and everything is my fault. It’s my fault my husband cheated and now it’s my fault I aborted a baby because their fucking daddy was scared to be in love.”
Jah was in my face before I knew.
“Don’t compare me to no bitch ass nigga.
I’m the nigga that seen you,” he beat on his chest. “I still see you. I know you would rather teach dance full-time and do therapy on the side. I know your body better than the nigga you spent ten years with. I see past your physical, Tatiyonna. When I looked at you, I saw you, and I heard you. You’re spending money and wasting time sitting on a couch with a nigga that only knows the college you. So, don’t fucking compare me to him.”
“I’m sorry, Jah. I just…”
“Go home, Tatiyonna. I told you I don’t like to argue. You’ve made me raise my voice, and I just don’t want to deal with this shit right now.”
“That’s exactly why I got an abortion, because you don’t ever want to deal with shit.”
His pupils got so dark that the hairs on my arm stood up.
“Get the fuck out of my house.” He pointed at the door.
“Gladly.” I walked out and slammed the door.
Two days later, and I was still in bed. I don’t know how many times Kileen came knocking.
My daddy called so many times I had to finally send him a text and tell him I was sick but would check in later.
Then Casi, using her spare key to get in because I was ignoring her, didn’t make it any better.
She went with me to get the abortion, and I knew my girl would take that shit to the grave with her.
“Tati, you’ve got to get out of this bed. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I can’t just sit around and let you lay in bed and cry over these niggas. I mean, if I’m being a real friend, I told you not to abort the baby until you had a conversation with him.”
She was right. She did tell me to talk to him, but after all the failed attempts at a phone call and text, I thought his ass was done. A decision had to be made with the stupid abortion laws now. Did I regret my decision? Somewhat, only because I saw the hurt in Jah’s eyes.
“I hate that I did the shit, okay,” I said from under the covers.
“All you can do now is pick up the pieces and move the fuck on, Tati. You can’t undo it and both of y’all feelings are valid.”
I pulled the cover from over my head to look at Casi.
She snatched back at my appearance. The only thing I was able to do was get up and eat some popcorn or something sweet.
My eyes were puffy and red. The last time I looked in the mirror, I had dark circles around my eyes.
My hair hadn't been combed and I needed a relaxer and trim.
“Girl, hell no! Get up, let’s go get our nails and feet done. Then you need to be reaching out to your girl to do something to this head of yours.”
“Okay, just give me some time.”
“I’m going to go downstairs and get all these damn dead flowers thrown out while you get yourself together. Everything is on me today, even our favorite sushi.” Casi squeezed my hand before leaving alone.
I got up and turned on a tub to run me a warm bath.
While that was running, I brushed my teeth and applied my skincare products.
I didn’t look like myself, and usually, making money always made me feel better.
Hell, Killen didn’t even have me down bad like this.
I cried a little and moved the fuck on. That was because of Jah.
He stepped in my life when I was about to spiral, and now that he had cut me off, my life felt like shit.
Almost two hours later, I had walked downstairs to see Casi had straightened up the house for me, and there were no signs of flowers from Jah.
Since he cut me off, I wish the flowers would stop.
It was only a reminder of him. Casi looked me over and smiled at me.
I threw on a pair of jeans, a cute tee that I had tucked to show my belly, and a ball cap until I was able to get my hair done.
“Okay, friend,” Casi gassed me up. “Fuck these niggas. Let’s go.”
I was enjoying my time with Casi, and it did feel good to get out of the house.
The whole time we were out, I was praying we didn’t run into Kileen or Jah.
My luck wasn’t good because Jah came walking his fine ass right in the damn sushi spot.
The same damn spot I had told him about when we first started messing around.
I clearly told him we would come here because the chances of us running into someone we knew were slim.
“Shit,” I said, making Casi put her drink down.
“Girl, he’s walking his ass over here.” Casi nudged me.
“Hey, ladies,” Jah greeted.
“Hey,” Casi said dryly.
I didn’t say shit. The last conversation we had, he was done with me. I wasn’t in the mood to be friendly to anyone but Casi at the moment.
“Tatiyonna, you good?”
I could smell that cologne he wore that would make me moist and stay stuck in my clothes.
“I’m great,” I said without looking up at him.
“Let me give y’all a moment.” Casi excused herself from the table.
Jah took Casi’s seat, and I still hadn’t looked at his.
“This is what we’re on, now? Not looking at each other and shit.”
“Jah, what the fuck do you want? Why are you at my favorite place that you know was exclusive for me and my bestie?”
“I’ve been riding by this bitch for a month straight, and today was my lucky day.”
“Riding by for what exactly? Last we talked, you put me out, and we haven’t talked since. So, please tell me why you’ve been riding by here when you have my number.”
“Oh, this number,” he pulled his phone out, dialed my number, and it went straight to voicemail. He even went to tapping at his phone and then flipped it around showing the text messages.
“Yes, I blocked you. Don’t you think that’s best for both of us? We had what we had and it’s over.”
“I know you’re not used to a muthafuckin’ trying with you, but I was upset, and instead of arguing, I needed to process what the fuck you had done.”
“Jah, please quit with the bull. You had a wall up with me, and instead of trusting me, you love bomb me, fucked me good, and then disappeared whenever your heart was getting too deep. And I’m sorry, but at this point in my life, I can’t deal with inconsistency.”
“Okay, so if you had met me while I was married to another woman, you would’ve been all in? Look me in my eyes and tell me the truth.”
“First, I would never mess with a married man. So, I can’t give you an answer, Jah.”
“I miss you calling my name,” he said.
“Is there anything else you need?”
“Unblock me, Tatiyonna. We have unfinished business to talk about.”
“Jah, I’m sorry, but I can’t. It’s been a month and I’ll be getting back with my husband.”
Jah leaned back in the chair and laughed before running his hands over his waves. The silence that fell between us was short-lived before he stood up.
“I wish you the best, baby. If you need me, I’m here. If you don’t need me, I’m still here. I ain’t going nowhere. You’ll be a great step mama, though. Too bad, you’ll probably never know what it feels like to be a mother with that fuck nigga.”
He placed a sweet kiss on the tip of my nose and left me sitting at the table feeling like shit all over again. I wanted to get up and run after his ass. I wanted to slap him for his comment and hug him at the same time. My husband had never told me he wasn’t going anywhere.
“Come, let me get you home,” Casi said as she grabbed our stuff.
When I got home alone, I unblocked Jah enough to send a text.
Me: Please stop the flowers from coming to the house. My husband will be moving back in soon.
Jah: Don’t text my muthafuckin’ phone about that nigga, man. The flowers were paid for up to a year. He can get the fuck over it or tell him come see me about it.
Me: They can easily be cancelled.
Jah: Man, you want to argue, and I want to taste that pussy one last time before you cut me off.
Me: Jah
Jah: I’ll see you in an hour at your studio. Wearing something sexy for me