Chapter 54
Chapter Fifty-Four
OSCAR
“Oscar, what are you doing here?” My mom’s face twists as she opens the door.
“Sorry, I uh—” I stumble over my words. “I just needed…” I look down at my shoes. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing here.
“Come on, come inside.” She ushers me into the living room. “Sit,” she orders. I obey, almost getting swallowed by the overstuffed couch.
“I’m sorry for just showing up.”
“You’re supposed to be at dinner.”
I look up with a jolt of panic to see her texting someone.
Shit, I knew there was somewhere I needed to be.
Freya. Freya’s waiting for me. I start to root through my pockets, trying to find my phone.
I need to call her, to apologize. Where the hell is it?
I find nothing in either of my jacket pockets. Fuck. I think I left it at home.
“It’s alright, I’m texting her now.”
I drop my head into my hands. “She’ll be so pissed.”
“She’s not angry, she’s just worried.” Mom comes and takes a seat on the coffee table, bracing her hands on her knees, leveling me with a hard stare. “I’m worried, too.”
“I’m alri—”
“Don’t bullshit me.”
I lean back, letting the cushions envelop me.
“Where have you been today?” Mom asks.
I have to think back. “Just at home. I was tired, so I slept in.”
I hardly slept at all last night. I just kept staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about the callout, how I’d frozen up, how I’d let everyone down. I finally passed out sometime around three a.m. and woke up at one this afternoon.
“Sweetheart, why didn’t you come over before now?”
“I was fine,” I mumble. It’s a lie and we both know it.
The entire day has been like there’s a fog over my eyes.
I haven’t been able to do anything. I barely managed to clean out Harvey’s hutch, I don’t even know where the hours went.
Suddenly it hit seven, and I knew I needed to leave, but I didn’t know where.
I just couldn’t look at my four walls anymore, so I ended up at the first place I could think to come.
“Oscar,” she says firmly. “This can’t go on. You need to talk to me, or talk to someone. You’ve been a wreck since Mack died.” I flinch as she says his name “And that’s understandable, but you can’t just bottle it up.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
“I can handle it. I just need to get work under control and I’ll be fine.”
“Yeah? And how’s that going?”
“It’s fine.” I know I’m being petulant, but I don’t want to get into it.
“I’ve hardly heard from you since you took over, now you’re standing up your girlfriend?” My stomach twists with guilt.
I palm my beard, pressing my fingers into the skin until it hurts.
“Maybe I should go.” It’s only seven thirty, I could still catch them. At least she’s with Luci.
“She’s fine, she’s having dinner with her friend.”
“I should still call.”
“Everything’s alright. Besides, I gave the restaurant your card, you’re paying their bill.”
I chuckle, and I realize it’s the first time I’ve laughed in days. “I think technically that’s fraud.”
She shrugs, her expression smug. “Consider it your apology.”
“I’ll give her a real apology,” I mumble. I’ll get on my knees and grovel if that’s what it takes.
“I think she just wants you to talk to her.”
“I do talk to her.” I say like a reflex.
“Really? You tell her what’s bothering you? You tell her when you’re hurting? You’re always so busy fixing other people’s problems, you’re there for everybody. Do you let her be there for you?” She pushes. She’s always told it to me exactly like it is.
“I told her about dad,” is what I come out with.
Mom straightens, surprised. She’s seen over the years how much I’ve avoided the subject. “Really?”
I nod. “I took her to the lake.”
“Oh, Oscar,” she whispers, her hand covering her mouth.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have…” I go to change the subject, not wanting to upset her.
She reaches out gripping my fingers. “No, it’s okay. I want to talk about him, I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t.”
“I don’t want you to be sad.”
“Sweetheart,” she sighs, “memories of your dad will never make me sad. Of course, I miss him, but I love him. I don’t want us to forget him.”
“I just…” I start, my voice catching. “I didn’t think you’d want to talk about him… with me.”
“What?” She reels back. “Why?”
I squeeze my eyes shut as I choke out the words that have been haunting me for three years now. “Because it was my fault.”
She lets out a choked sound, then the only thing I hear for a long time is the faint hum of the dishwasher through the open kitchen door. I can’t look at her, can’t open my eyes to see the judgment that’s sure to be there.
“Oscar.” I hear her move and feel the dip of the couch as she sits next to me. I keep my face down, not ready for whatever she’s going to say. “Oscar, look at me.”
I shake my head.
“Look at me.”
She takes hold of my cheek and guides it toward her. I crack my eyes open until I finally meet her gaze.
“Why would you think that?” Her eyes are soft, not angry like I was expecting. I see the tears tracking down her cheeks and my heart twists.
“Because I couldn’t help him,” I say, my voice hoarse. “I was there and I couldn’t do anything, I just watched him die.”
“Oh, my love.” She pulls me into her chest until my face rests against her collarbone. It’s like the dam finally breaks and I cry in her arms the way I did when I was a child.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I sob out as she rubs long strokes up and down my back.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” She’s crying too, her tears falling into my hair. “Nothing at all, do you hear me?”
She keeps murmuring soothing words into the top of my head as I let out what I’ve been holding for so long. I never wanted to burden her with it, not when she was already grieving. It’s been easier to push it down, to pretend that everything’s fine.
“I was working so much before it happened, I was barely around. What if I could have stopped it?”
“Nobody could have stopped it, that’s what the doctors told us.”
I feel the fabric of her shirt turning damp against my cheek. “What if they were wrong?”
“Oscar, it was not your fault,” she says firmly, even as her voice shakes. “Nothing that happened was your fault, then or now. Is that what this is? You think that you’re responsible for what happened to Mack?”
I nod, my chest tight. Despite what I told Ryan, I can’t shake the feeling that I should have done more. I should have been able to pull him out of the way, I should have gone in first. “I feel like it should have been me,” I croak.
She squeezes me tighter against her. “Don’t you dare say that.”
“But he’s got Birdie.”
“And? You’ve got a family too.”
“It’s not fair.”
“Nothing about this is fair, it’s a tragedy. But you couldn’t have done anything to stop it.”
“But what—”
“No,” she stops me. “You have to listen to me. Do you think Mack would want you to drive yourself crazy over this?”
I don’t say anything and she takes my silence for the agreement it is.
“I feel like I’m letting him down.”
“Of course you’re not.”
“I froze,” I confess.
“When?”
“We got called to a barn fire last night and I just… I just shut down. Jenna had to take over.”
“Oh,” she coos. “That’s completely understandable.”
“It can’t happen. I have to be strong. I’m trying to protect Mack’s legacy.”
“Oscar, Mack’s legacy is in everyone on that crew. It’s not just on you to carry it.”
“He believed in me, if I can’t handle it, then it just means that he was wrong.”
Mack always wanted me to be a captain. He thought I was ready. If it turns out I’m not, then what else was he wrong about?
“Just because you need more time, doesn’t mean he was wrong. He believed in you because he could see who you are.”
“I feel like I’m drowning.” I didn’t want to say it, like if I kept it quiet then it wouldn’t be true, but I don’t think I can do this. The paperwork, the meetings, leading the crew, it’s too much.
“Then maybe you need to let go.”
“Let go how?”
“You’ve just lost your best friend. It’s brought up everything from your dad. There’s no shame in admitting that you need more time to come to terms with everything.”
“But, then who’ll—”
“It doesn’t matter. That’s not your problem.”
I open my mouth to protest, but she’s a step ahead of me.
“It’s not. And maybe you’ll be ready in the future, but it doesn’t have to be now. You’re still so young, you’ve got time.”
I sit with her words. I don’t want to admit that she’s right. I just don’t think I can do it this time. I picture the crew, what they’ll think of me. They’ve already seen me have a breakdown, if I step down now, how will they ever trust me again?
But what if I’m letting my ego get in the way of what’s best? If I’m not able to do the job, then surely I need to be honest about it. I’m suddenly exhausted. I wipe my face, blinking away the last of my tears. “I just miss them so much.”
She strokes a thumb under my cheek, catching the last of the moisture there. “I know, so do I.”
I see mom’s phone light up on the coffee table, it’s a text from Freya.
“What if I’ve fucked that up?”
Mom chuckles. “You two have got something special. It’s going to take more than one missed dinner to mess it up.”
I nod. “I should go over there.” They’re probably close to being done with dinner. I need to talk to her, to make things right.
“Don’t be afraid to show her all of you. She loves you, you’re not gonna scare her off.”
“I’ll try.”