Chapter 55
Chapter Fifty-Five
FREYA
“Ithink you need to roll me home,” Luci groans as we turn the corner toward the apartment.
“I don’t think ‘all you can eat Tiramisu’ was supposed to be a threat.”
“You saw his face!” She laughs. “He didn’t think I could handle it, I had to prove him wrong.”
I look over at her. “Yeah, you really showed him,” I say dryly.
“I regret nothing.”
I feel my eyes getting heavy. I feel terrible. Luci was trying so hard to make this a good night, but I couldn’t stop worrying about Oscar. At least he’s with Valerie, I know he’s okay. “I think I’m just going to go to bed when we get back.” I yawn.
Luci stops, her shoes scuffing against the sidewalk. “Yeah, I don’t know if you are.” I turn to her and she nods towards the steps to my front door.
His face is cast in shadows, form lit only by the streetlight, but I’d recognize him anywhere. Oscar sits hunched on the bottom step, arms draped across his knees.
“Do you want me to get rid of him?” Luci asks quietly, leaning into my side.
“No.” Of course not. Never.
She takes ahold of my hand. “Okay, you want to talk to him inside or out here?”
“Inside,” I reply. I don’t know why I’m so nervous, it’s just Oscar. I literally saw him last night. But things feel different now.
Luci looks around, taking in the two of us. She clears her throat.
“You know what, I think they were showing that new movie over at the theatre,” she says, letting go of me.
“Wait, what?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna go, it sounds awesome!” She spins on her heel and starts walking in the opposite direction. “See you in a couple hours!”
“Luci!” I yell after her.
“Bye! I’ll text you before I come back!”
“Luci!”
“I’ll text!”
She jogs off around the corner, leaving me in the silence.
“She didn’t have to go,” a low voice comes from behind me.
I startle, whirling around. “Jesus!” Oscar’s just a few meters away. When did he get there?
“Sorry.” He moves forward a step, one hand reaching out, grasping, then falling. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You just made me jump.”
“I’m sorry, Freya.”
He’s not talking about startling me.
I frown, straightening my spine. My first thought is to roll over, to accept his ‘sorry’ and never bring it up again. But I know I don’t have to do that anymore. I’m allowed to be upset, even if it’s uncomfortable. “Where were you?” I ask, wrapping my arms around myself.
“At my mom’s. Fuck, honey, I’m so sorry I missed dinner.”
“I don’t care about dinner,” I scoff. “I just need to know what’s going on.”
“Can we go inside?” he asks softly.
“Why?” I snap.
He steps forward and rubs his hands up and down my arms. “Because you’re shivering.”
I hadn’t noticed. “I’m fine,” I say with a frown.
He looks down at my clenched fists. “Please?” he asks gently.
I sigh, softening. I don’t know why I’m acting like I’m angry, I’m not. I’m just freaked out, and it’s easier to stay mad than to face that I might be losing him.
“Alright.”
I lead him up the stairs. He stays a few steps behind, not like he usually does, and the distance makes my skin prickle.
We don’t talk as I lock the door behind us, as we remove our shoes and hang up our jackets side by side.
It all feels very domestic, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s about to walk out of my life.
In silent agreement we sit at opposite ends of the couch. I grab a blanket from next to me, pulling it around my shoulders. Oscar just stares me down. Why isn’t he saying anything? Is he waiting for me to talk?
“What?” I ask, not able to take it anymore.
“I’m kind of waiting for you to yell at me.”
“Why would I yell?”
“Because I stood you up for dinner?” he asks like it’s obvious.
“Oscar, I’m not mad about that, I’m just concerned.”
“You’re allowed to be mad.”
“I know I am.”
He sighs, scratching at his eyebrow with his thumb. “I know I was a mess last night.”
“It’s not just last night,” I say around a sigh. “You’ve been shutting me out for weeks.”
“I’ve had a lot going on.”
“I understand that, but it’s like you haven’t been here at all. I want to be there for you, but all you do is close down.”
He shuffles closer, cuffing my ankle in his grip. It’s gentle, but there’s something desperate about it, like he needs the contact. “I didn’t want to dump all of this on you. I’ve been so fucked up by everything.”
“Oscar.” I cover his hand with mine. “I love you. I want all of you, fucked up or not.”
He stares down at his lap, but I don’t miss the small smile that creeps up every time I tell him that I love him. “I love you too,” he murmurs.
“If the situation were reversed, wouldn’t you want me to be open with you?”
“Of course, but…”
“But what?”
“I don’t want to scare you off.” I flinch. “It took me so long to convince you to give me a shot, I don’t want to ruin it now that I’ve finally got you.”
“Oscar,” I breathe, shaking my head. I can’t take the distance anymore.
I crawl into his lap, taking the blanket with me and pulling it around the two of us until we’re in our own little cocoon.
His hands fist in the fabric of my dress, but there’s no heat there, just the two of us wanting to be closer.
“I love you so much,” he chokes out, voice thick.
“I know you do.” I ghost my fingertips across his face, tracing the line of his brow, feeling the tension around his lips, the way his jaw’s clenched.
I reach down and untangle his fingers from my dress, lacing them through mine and bringing them between us. “You don’t have to hold on so tight,” I whisper, pressing a kiss to our joined hands. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He lets out a choked sound, like a sob he’s not letting free, and drops his forehead to mine. “Please don’t go.” His eyes squeeze shut. “I need you so much.”
My breath hitches. I’ve been so afraid of needing him, wanting to prove that I could stand on my own.
But, maybe it’s okay. I thought if I let myself need anybody, then I’d just be giving them the power to hurt me, but if he needs me just as much, then perhaps I’m not giving up anything. Maybe we can need each other.
“I’m here.” I don’t realize that I’m crying until I hear it in my voice. “I’ll always be here, you just have to let me in.”
“I want to. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not going to break, you’re not going to scare me.”
“Freya, if there’s any part of you that’s still not sure, you have to tell me. It’s okay if you’re not there yet, but I-I just need to know.”
I look up at him, studying his gaze. Is that it? Did he feel like he couldn’t come to me because he thinks I’m not all in? I can almost hear my heart breaking. He doesn’t trust me. Or he thinks I don’t trust him, I don’t know which.
I go to climb off him, but his arms shoot out, wrapping around my waist. I fall forward and have to catch myself on his chest. This close, I can make out every fleck in his eyes and the panic that lines them. I press a kiss to his forehead. “I’m just getting something.”
“You’re coming back?”
“Of course I am.”
He reluctantly lets me go, and I quickly dart to my room, rummaging through my closet until I find what I need. Oscar frowns as I shuffle back in, hiding my hands behind my back.
“Should I be worried?” he asks.
As soon as I’m within arm’s reach, he grabs my hips and maneuvers me until I’m back where I was before, straddling his thighs.
“I was going to give you this for your birthday,” I say, suddenly feeling shy. What if he hates it? I’ve been working on it in secret for a few weeks, ever since the day at the lake.
A tiny smirk flickers across his expression, and I almost sag with relief at the sight of him smiling again. Slowly, not looking him in the eye, I reveal what I’m holding, laying it on his chest.
He picks it up and shakes it until the fabric unfurls, a navy-blue cable knit that I thought would go with his eyes.
His hint of a smile bursts into a full grin as he sees what he’s holding. “You knit me a sweater?”
I nod. “It’s okay if you don’t like—”
He cuts me off by slamming his lips into mine.
His kiss is needy, wanting, teeth scraping lips and tongues clashing as we each fight to get as close as possible.
I wind my fingers through his hair, rising up on my knees as he groans into my mouth.
When we break away, I’m panting, feeling the flush on my cheeks.
Oscar takes ahold of my chin and pins me in place with his gaze.
“I love it. It’s perfect.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you how I felt. I was just so scared of the words. I thought that maybe I could show you instead.”
“What about your curse?”
“I don’t care about that.” I don’t think I ever did.
“I know it’s taken me a long time to get here, but I’m here now.
I’m all in. I’ve been scared for so long, trying to stop myself from ever being hurt again.
But you’ve made me feel brave again. I know I can give you my heart, and that you’ll take good care of it. ”
“I’ll never hurt you,” he murmurs.
“I know.” I kiss him again, gentle this time. “But you can’t shut me out again. If I’m trusting you, then you have to trust me back. I can handle it.”
He sighs, like he’s fighting with himself. when he finally looks up at me, his gaze has cleared, the crease between his brows gone. “We got called to a barn fire last night and… and I just froze. I couldn’t do it.”
“Oh, Oscar,” I breathe. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for him. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him into me. He tucks his face into my neck and we just breathe together.
“I’m going to call the chief tomorrow, step down as acting captain.”
“Are you sure?” If that’s what he wants, then I support him completely, but I know how seriously he takes this role.
He nods against me. “And I’m going to ask for some more time away, and to see the department counsellor.”
“That’s what you want?”
“I’m not ready yet. I need to get more support.”
It’s so rare for him to think of himself, to take what he needs. I’m so proud of him I could almost cry.
“That’s okay, you’re allowed to put yourself first. You can’t do the job you need to do if you’re not taking care of yourself.”
“Losing Mack… It brought up everything that happened with my dad and I just…” He loses his words. I hold him tighter, like I can hold him together if I just keep my arms around him. “I need some more time.”
I presses kisses into the top of his head, hoping he can read how much I love him in the beat of my heart. “I’m so proud of you,” I murmur, “I love you so much.”
Every time I tell him, it gets easier.
He pulls away, looking back up at me, eyes shining.
“I feel like I’ve loved you for so long, Freya.
First it was just a crush, the idea of you, then I couldn’t get you out of my head, and when you came back…
” He trails off on a gasp. “When you came back, it was like every dream I ever had coming true. You’re so different from who I thought you were, but the reality is so much better.
You’re everything to me. I don’t think I can ever be without you again”
“You don’t ever have to be.” I run my thumb under his eye, wiping away a stray tear that’s fallen. I nod down to the sweater. “I know I’m not good at telling you, but I thought if you ever needed proof—”
He cuts me off with a soft kiss.
“I know, honey. You don’t ever have to prove a thing to me.”