Chapter 22 #2
I uttered most of my truths to Alora, though the biggest one I kept for another time was my age, and the fact that I won’t greet death for as long as the Nasc Gal, the bond with King Euron, is intact.
I’ll watch her cross the veil one day and turn to dust, and I’ll still look the same.
The only difference is that when her time comes, I’ll be The Devourer and no longer Kassiel, succumbed to the monster and my own fate.
I’m lost in the turbulence of my mind as the dark sky lightens from a dark blue to a lighter purple as the auroras press farther from the edge of the mountains.
Alora begins to stir, speaking inaudibly. It’s too early for her to be waking as we still have at least half the night to go. Her body twitches and begins to flail.
I raise up on one of my arms to get a better look at what’s happening. Her eyes are closed tightly, crinkling the corners. She lets out a groan followed by a soft cry. I pull the blanket up closer to her, tucking it under her shoulder and bringing it near her chin.
“Hanin…” she whispers, “I’ll find someone…I’ll find a healer.” Silent tears form as she bites her lip in her sleep.
I bring my hand to her head and cup underneath, shifting her closer to me. I lay back down and roll her head onto my chest, trying to make her more comfortable.
This isn’t the first night—terror of hers I’ve seen.
I’ve watched her rake her fingers viciously along her sides in her deep sleep fits.
She usually cries for Hanin and her parents.
It most always ends in her screaming out, a heartwrenching cry that pulls at my soul.
And it’s my fault. I’ll never be able to atone for the terror I’ve caused her alone.
The haunting dreams that plague her are my doing, in one way or another.
I may not have killed her family directly, but my existence only emboldens the king.
She begins to tremble and I say the only thing I can think of, “You have me, I’m yours.”
I rub her hand and whisper, “I can kiss away your pain. Kiss away the torment that rattles you. If you’d let me, I’d swallow down all your tears.”
I kiss her hair and slowly rub her back and arms, trying my best to not wake her but ease her restlessness. But if it’s the only way I can bring her peace, I’ll offer my body as sacrifice.
Once she’s fast asleep, I gently move her from my embrace and walk far enough to where she won’t wake.
Taking a knee, I gather some of the soft soil and let it fall from my fingertips.
It feels like home being this far north, for now, I’m alone with my tumultuous thoughts and quiet nature. It’s not often I get to do this, be unbothered by prying eyes.
Grasping my steel blade from my waistcoat, I make quick work as I slice a mark into my forearm. My shadows bleed out from the mark, the jagged and black inky swirls joining. The umbra kiss licks over my flesh, healing the wound as quickly as I had dealt it.
“Hail the great goddess, Caanea, mother of the stars, creator of the dark. As your loyal follower, I ask that you’d accept this pledge and honor me in ways you see fit. Let it be done.” I whisper, barely loud enough for even my own ears to hear.
My oath is quick but made to the great mother. I’ve only ever made three marks before this one, and only one remains beside this new promise. I look back to Alora, she still sleeps.
My covenant of retribution, an atonement for my curse. The promise of death. A pact made with the goddess herself to rid undesirables from this realm.
The revire, once made, is permanent until the act is done and the goddess satisfied. It’s only promised to those that have no redemption, to people who would rather others suffer by their hands needlessly or for their own depraved reasons.
I’ve upheld two of my oaths and now have two remaining. Orlin will be easy, he’s not smart enough to know what I truly am. The other mark has proved more difficult, especially as my life has been tied to his.
Being stuck in this purgatory for years now leaves a tarnish on my own soul, waiting for the moment I can use the mors finalem and end my suffering and complete this promise to the great mother.
Chin bobbing upward, I toss back the locks that have fallen into my face that conceal the view of the moons.
They’re both glowing bright tonight, the light seemingly charged with my newest pact.
The ivory color reminds me of her soft skin.
It’s even ironic that she would be starkissed with freckles, similar to my favorite constellations.
Where she’s much like the celestial moons, I’m empty like the night, my dark features and tanned skin threatening to consume her light.
I walk back to where Alora sleeps and lay down again next to her. I caress and gently massage her, until the night wanes and morning is kissing the sky with its pink yellow splashes.
Musings from early this morning rattle around inside my head as I ride behind her on Dahla. How could this siren, with such poison and wrath in her heart, look at me with such eager devotion?
I grow weary of the fates and their cruel amusements.
To me, this feels just like another step toward losing everything I am.
If I was to fall for this woman, even if I was in this very moment doing just that, they’d rip her away.
It would be inevitable, and I’d be stuck in the shell of a man who dared to hope.
“Alora, would you rather I ride ahead and let the council know we’re close?” Caym’s boisterous voice reminds me of my inner turbulence.
“No, I say let them be surprised when we sneak in with… well, him.” She waves her hand to me.
Another musing to rivet my thoughts. What will become of me when we get to the secret whereabouts of The Hidden?
Though I don’t wear culling bands anymore, I can’t help but still feel like a prisoner, if only because of how often I catch Leeson watching me, her gaze far more observant and judgemental than someone of her stature should possess.
As the meadow before us opens up to a scarcer tree line than what lies behind us, I drift back to memories of last night. When the only ointment for her tremors was my soft kisses and whispers.
Eventually she stilled, calming after the storm that threatened to pull her down in the watery depths of her memories.
“What secrets do you hide, Alora? The ones that your soul begs you to release?”
I’d said the words so sure as we lay in each other's grasp in the early hours before the village woke, believing I was strong enough to brunt the force of her revelations as she had mine.
Her eyes hollowed and she rubbed her chest, clutching it as if preventing a split from heartache. Her tears silently fell as she grabbed my hand and placed it to her chest.
Swallowing thickly, she began, “There are times… many times… when it’s all I can do to hold in the cries.
It feels as if someone is screaming so loudly inside me, bloodying her throat raw, and all I can do is swallow down her wails.
Because I’m afraid if I don’t, I won’t be able to quit screaming too. ”
To know she shared the duress I’d sheltered in my bones for so long was shattering.
I’d kissed her tears, greedy for the offering.
Dahla quickly sidesteps an object in the trail, catching me off guard and threatening to send me skittering down onto the ground.
Leeson snorts out a laugh. I’ve fallen off this horse more this last week with these people than I have in the last century at the whims of the king. I’d do anything to have my own mount so as to not look so damned idiotic.
“Leeson, I know you’d find immense joy in watching me fall squarely onto my face. I can say I’d find the same humor watching it happen to you.”
Silence meets me as a response and Alora’s back straightens.
Gods. I actually started a conversation with the pale sprite that strikes more fear into me than even some of the most formidable generals of King Euron’s.
Her cunning golden eyes would slice me in half if they were sharpened blades.
“The thing is Kassiel, all of us would be laughing if you fell, and only you would be laughing if I did.” Damn she’s ferocious, possibly more so than my little warrior.
My little warrior. Fuck. I need to stop being so reckless.
Caym just smirks at me. He’s a bastard, even if I find his pride toward his bonded admirable.
“Tell me, Devourer, have you heard of the hidden city of River’s End?”
He asks it so nonchalantly, but I know what his true meaning is. Has the king discovered us?
“Truly, no. There is much King Euron hid from me, even though I wouldn’t have betrayed that information. He’s full of paranoia.”
Alora turns in her saddle at my reply.
“Wouldn’t have? And what of now?” Her blue eyes pin me to my seat, forcing my breath to pause in their beauty.
I feel trapped and I’m unsure of why. Perhaps it’s the collar at my neck or the years I’ve spent loyal to the king, indifferent to suffering unless it was my own, but I feel torn.
King Euron had a hand in more atrocities towards me physically than I’ll ever admit but far worse heinous things to me mentally.
After you’ve been as broken as I’ve been, you learn that any nicety means not suffering, and eventually those niceties feel like friendship even if you’re chained to the person who holds the whip.
I sigh and shake my head, careful to avoid her deciphering gaze.
“There is much about me that is wrong, but the truth that I do know is that I can’t bear to see you harmed. So in this instance, I’d keep you safer than the secrets King Euron has forced me to keep.”
I swallow down the rest of the words. She can’t know the true dangers of my bond with the king, the malicious fangs that have implanted into my sickly soul.
I lift my eyes to catch a glimpse of her expression and it’s washed with concern.
“What has he done to you, Kassiel?”
I know deep down she wants the answers, but I’m not ready for that conversation. It’s one I’d rather bury with my old sins.
Caym interrupts us and I’ve never been more thankful for the bastard than right now. “Alora, I think we should water the horses here. It’s as fine a place as any. We’re half a day from River’s End, anyhow. Let’s not be too eager to join the bustling city. You know it makes me claustrophobic.”
She turns back and I can feel her smile. It’s not directed at me but rather Caym, who I’ve come to understand is more family to her than anyone else, almost as if a living brother.
“Yeah, alright. It would be nice to stretch my legs, so let’s stop here.”
The reins creak as she pulls them up, stopping Dahla in her tracks.
She hops off the horse first and then looks at me. Her face looks holy, even reverent, in this daylight. The way the sunstreaks illuminate her bright eyes and highlight her brown locks, it’s enough to weep over, truly.
With a quick smirk, she’s off and heading to Leeson. The meadow grass is knee height to her, swishing as she walks through the soft blades.
Caym sits upon his horse, looking at me expectantly.
I wait a few moments to see if he’ll offer any words, unkind or otherwise, in my direction.
“Well?” He looks me up and down, sizing me up I’m sure for if I attempt to run off.
He’s not as tall as me and definitely not as quick, but he’s stocky and built like a laborer if I’d ever seen one..
A sigh escapes my lips and I answer. “You know, Caym, I’m not sure what to say to you. What do you want from me?”
“I know not your intentions, but I am still suspicious of you, Devourer.” His eyebrows pin together with an angry expression.
“I want you to know that I see through deception, not by magic, but by reading enough damned people to know. If you trick us, Devourer, I’ll take great pleasure in watching your skin peel when I throw you off the cliffs and into the sea, even if you saved my life in the sinking sand. ”
I like this man. He’s a protector by nature and cares deeply for Alora.
“I won’t harm her, if that’s what you’re meaning.”
Caym glares at me, continuing with almost whispered threats. “You say you won’t, but you can’t promise that. Her finding you worth redeeming is dangerous enough to her. Sooner or later, you or your position will hurt her, and Leeson and I will be left picking up her broken bits again.”
An admirable threat.
The seconds pass between us while I study his demeanor. I let out a heavy sigh. “I had what you have now. A naymeih. I watched her get taken from this life because of what I am. The last thing I want to do is watch Alora suffer a fate worse than death because of me.”
He ponders over my admittance. I can practically see him rolling it around in his head and testing for faults.
After he’s satisfied with my answer, he clears his throat and says, “So be it.”
A small, feline smile forms on his lips.
“I’ll take your word, Kassiel, if you’ll accept mine.”
I nod and wait for him to continue.
“If you chase her to the veil early because you can’t figure out your shit, I’ll bring the wrath of the gods down on you. Even if it means killing you in the process.”
If I had friends, aside from Rune, I realize I’d want Caym as one.
“Fair enough.” I reply and we grasp each other's arms and shake.