Chapter 71
Seventy-One
I’m barely holding my shit together after leaving the Remingtons’, my thoughts racing as I shift through gears and wind through streets by rote. When I hit the freeway, I floor it, trying to quell the riot in my head.
It’s the day after Christmas and I’ve just been handed a prison sentence for a crime I didn’t commit. One I willingly agreed to despite wanting to throw up at the mere thought of it. One I was backed into, lured into, forced into without any escape hatch in sight.
The thoughts crest in my brain like waves before tumbling and crashing. Then they reform, coast, and crash again, taking every hope and dream I have with them as they recede back into the abyss.
I don’t see a way out of this. Not the one I want. Need. Desperately and completely.
My guts roil, and I swerve to make the exit. Pulling into the first filling station, I race for the bathroom, making it seconds prior to violently hurling the contents of my stomach. Perspiration coats my skin as I breathe through it, grimacing at the sourness coating my tongue. Hell, my soul.
Rising on unstable legs, I make it to the sink and cup cool water into my mouth and splash more on my face and the back of my neck. A sob rips from my throat, but I swallow it before it swallows me. My eyes stare back at me, wild, devastated, lost.
I hurry to my car and gun it, forcing myself to stay focused on the act of driving, keeping any other thoughts at bay.
I clock where drivers are in my proximity, grip the steering wheel, keep my acceleration steady at the speed limit.
I barely blink. Don’t even smoke. And I head to the only place I want to be, despite the dread spreading through my veins.
When I arrive at Jax’s complex, it’s dusk, the sky a purplish black with fading streaks of gold and peach.
The streetlights flicker on as I make my way to her driveway and park, the car sputtering to a halt.
It’s dark inside her condo, as expected.
She’s at work, and her roommates are still in Oakland for the holidays.
As night descends, eclipsing me in every possible way, my tears erupt, flowing from my eyes in a steady stream.
This time, I don’t stop them, tortured sobs stealing my breath as my chest heaves.
A guttural howl rips from my throat, broadening the chasm that’s threatening to split me in two.
I weep violently, relentlessly, without shame or control.
The pain is so deafening and absolute, I’m surprised there’s any part of me left when my stuttered breaths finally come.
But alive I am by the barest definition.
For now.
Jacqui’s Bug rattles into the driveway close to 11 p.m., and my apprehension collides with pure fatigue. She’s going to hate it, but I can’t talk about any of this tonight. I don’t even want to tomorrow, but that’s not a choice.
With heavy limbs, my heart anchored like a dead weight, I climb out of my car to greet her.
Her eyes widen slightly as she assesses me before wrapping me in an embrace. I cling to her, inhaling her scent, warmth, and the drape of her hair across my arm. It’s the first time I’ve relaxed in hours, even with the underlying tension coiled to spring.
We part and she stares into my eyes, searching. “Are you—”
“Let’s go inside,” I murmur.
She opens the door to the condo, and I throw the deadbolt after shutting and locking it.
Jax bends to remove her shoes and as she straightens, I cradle her body with mine, slipping my arms around her waist and resting my chin on her shoulder. I let a big exhale loose, trying to keep some equilibrium, and my breath hitches.
Her head whips. “Mick, what hap—”
“Baby, I’m fucking exhausted, and…” A heavy pause stretches out. “What I need is to hold you close and crash. Can we do that? I know you have questions. I just…tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything.”
My cheek nestles against hers, willing her to comply, not push for more yet.
“Please,” I rasp.
“Okay,” she whispers, swiveling in my grasp. She kisses me tenderly and just that alone makes my throat tighten.
She leads me by the hand to her bedroom.
We undress and spoon our naked bodies together underneath the covers.
She’s my heaven. My home. My solace. Before I allow thoughts about how it’s all about to disappear, how it will be one hundred percent my fault and my downfall, I bind her closer still and focus on how good she feels in my arms.
Depletion of mind, body, and soul drags me under.
I’m awake—and in the quiet, this prelude to destruction, I gaze upon my beautiful girl asleep, cataloguing every detail.
The rise and fall of her chest. The peaceful repose of her face at rest. Her rosy lips, slightly parted, releasing the occasional sigh.
That mane of honey tousled against the pillow.
My gaze is intent. Absorbing. Memorizing what’s already been inventoried a thousand times.
Jacqui’s eyes pop open, anxiety rapidly coating those amber irises. I lightly stroke her face from forehead to chin.
“What’s happening?” she whispers.
I shut my eyes, brows furrowing, clueless how to break this news. “It’s not good.”
There’s no way out but through.
Heaving out a frustrated breath, I sit up, yank my jeans off the floor, and fish out my cigarettes. Clamping one between my lips, I flick my Zippo twice to ignite it and blow out a stream of smoke. “But it’s bigger than that. This whole shitshow has blown up to epic fucking proportions.”
“What happened with the Remingtons?” Jax scrabbles around for her own pack, and when she unearths one, I hold the flame for her.
“Virginia and Rick are at their wits’ end, and it’s totally understandable.” I draw up one knee and rest my forearm against it. “Remy’s in full fuck-up mode, and that affects everyone in his universe.”
We both take long drags as I muster the courage to keep going.
“They asked me for a big fucking favor,” I mutter, hanging my head.
“What kind of favor?” There’s tension in her voice. She’s expecting something bad, but she has no idea what’s coming. What an asshole I really am.
I take three more pulls, burning my cigarette down to the filter, then stub it into the ashtray, hammering the cherry into oblivion while avoiding her gaze. My nostrils burn with a harsh sting, and I swallow the lump behind my Adam’s apple.
“They want Remy to live with me so I can help him get clean—”
“WHAT?”
Swallowing the flood of emotion threatening to unleash, I spit out the bitter, loathsome words, even as they stick in my throat. “Remy and Sherry. A tag-team approach where I drop Remy off at a new outpatient rehab during the day, then Sherry or I take him to meetings in the evenings.”
“That’s outrageous! And ridiculous!” Her voice escalates, shock resonating in her tone.
I say nothing. She’s right.
“You’re not thinking of actually doing it, are you?” She takes two frenzied puffs then grounds out her cigarette with a vengeance.
Another weary breath heaves from my depths and the sting behind my eyeballs intensifies.
She throws off the covers and paces, then flings her hands in the air. “What the fuck, Mick? This will consume your entire life. And what about us? We can’t possibly navigate that! I mean, how long would this last?”
With a deliberate, forced calm, I approach. “Jax,” I murmur. My hands land on her hips as our eyes lock. “He’s tried a half dozen ways to get clean already. His parents and wife don’t have a clue how to deal with him or this.”
“And you do?”
“I don’t fucking know, but I can’t argue that if he’s in Half Moon Bay, he’s removed from the people and places that make it easy for him to score drugs.
You know how remote my place is—there’s no way for him to find that shit out there.
And he’ll either be at the recovery facility or with me and Sherry. ”
Disbelief creases her features.
“It’s not what I want, Jax—you know that. But I’ve wracked my brain to think of another solution, and…” I falter, “I’ve got nothing.”
“But how is this going to work? When will we see each other?”
Tears well, blurring my vision as my throat bobs. I can’t say it. I don’t want to say it.
“Oh my god. We’re not going to, are we?” Her face broadcasts sheer desperation.
I have to say it. I swallow again, and almost like I’m standing outside my own body, I hear myself speak the words. “I don’t see how we can stay together if I do this. And it’s not a choice. I have to help Remy.”
Jacqui crumples, and I grip her tighter, holding her upright. “But why?” she cries. “He’s already done rehabs, dry-out stints, meetings. Been to jail. His parents threatened him with his trust fund. None of it has changed anything. He’s still being a selfish prick.”
“I owe a debt,” I whisper. “And it’s time to pay up.”
Tears trickle down her face. “That’s one hell of a price tag.”
How can I explain so she’ll understand? “Remy is my best friend. He and his family were there when I needed them. They gave me a safe place to land, a home away from the shitty fucking one I had. Away from abuse that lasted for years.” My throat tightens and a tear escapes, rolling off my chin.
I finally meet her tortured gaze. “Rem needs me now. I can’t abandon him. It’s my turn to try and save his life.”
Her golden eyes plead. “But we love each other. What we have is…” her voice breaks, “everything.”
“I know, baby. I know.”
Her fingers grip my waist. “Then let’s talk about how to make it work.”
I fully predicted this, understanding her nature, how her mind and heart works.
And that’s what makes this even fucking worse.
“Jax,” I implore, smoothing her hair. “This situation is going to take months. Maybe longer. I will not put your life on hold or allow you to be shackled just because I am. I will not ask you to wait for me when I have no idea how long it’s going to take.
I will not ruin your life at my expense. ”
Tears streak down her face. “But I will.”