Chapter 72
Seventy-Two
Time is the enemy, every second bringing Jax and I closer to the end. We’ve holed up all day, barely straying an inch from each other. I have worshipped her repeatedly, losing track of time, space, and certainly my sanity.
I made a deal with the devil, and everything in me screams it’s a mistake, but I can’t figure out how to salvage this or change the circumstances.
In the dark recesses of my mind, hope lingers. Maybe this shit with Remy will resolve fast. Maybe Jax will forgive me and take my sorry ass back. Maybe things will go differently than I expect.
For now, I’m doing what’s best for her, even if she doesn’t believe or understand it.
We’re naked in bed, our last precious moments, and they’re rapidly dwindling. Her fingers trace the skin on my lower abdomen, and I kiss her temple.
“This fucking sucks,” she mumbles.
“Yeah, it does. But you and me? We’re survivors. So don’t you dare let this stop you from kicking ass and taking names. Take the world by storm and show it exactly what I see.”
Her eyes seek mine. “You’re the best man I’ve ever known.
You’ve given me so much. Love. Acceptance.
Guidance. Encouragement. Confidence. Respect.
” A mournful laugh escapes. “Can’t forget orgasms.” She inhales a deep breath and rests her cheek back against my chest, a weight I will fucking miss.
“You’ve done more for me in our time together than I’ve gotten in a lifetime.
You took all my broken parts and made me… whole. Complete.”
My hold around her tightens, wanting her to hear my words. “You are complete without anyone else. Never forget that. The only person in life you need to rely on is you. You, Jax. You are the most important ally, friend, and warrior in your own life.”
I mean this, and yet I can’t ignore how she completes me. She’s my oxygen. My counterpart. My soulmate. I never believed in those trite romantic notions before, but there’s no denying its truth, which makes me the worst kind of hypocrite.
Despair descends as the sun lowers in the sky. We’re out of time. There’s no belaboring this any longer or avoiding that we’ve arrived at this epically fucked-up moment.
We dress silently, then I take Jax by the hand and lead her out the front door. I open the Mustang and throw my hoodie inside. I have a split second of hesitation where I consider giving it to her, then realize it’s selfish.
I press her against the car, reminiscent of so many other times, and cradle her haunting face. “I’ll never regret one second with you.” A tear slides down one of her cheeks, and I thumb it away.
“Same,” she answers. “I love you, now and forever.”
“No more tears, baby. I’m not worth it.”
Her face crumples. “Stop saying that, Mick. Stop believing it. How can you think you’re unworthy when ours is the most profound connection I’ve experienced with another human being? You are the planet I orbit. The moon that shifts my tides. The beat to my goddamned heart.”
Every word is a dagger slicing a fresh wound. It takes all my strength to keep moving forward. I touch my forehead to hers. “I’m so fucking sorry. Those words probably sound hollow, but I am, Jax. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever been forced to make. You mean everything to me.”
There’s a breath of silence. “You’re kicking your heroin habit.”
I exhale harshly. “There’s no such thing with you and me.”
She nods, any other sentiment she may have trapped beneath an expression that knifes my heart and holds it hostage.
“I’m doing this for you,” I murmur. “Remember when I said you weren’t destined to be caged—you were meant to fly? You were meant to soar. That’s all I want for you.”
Her face morphs again, broadcasting confusion and hurt, and I hope a smidgeon of understanding.
I pull her close and kiss her gently, our lips saying the goodbye neither of us wants to speak out loud. We part and my hand finds hers again. I squeeze it and bring it to my lips for one last kiss.
“I love you, Jax.” My limbs turn wooden, my movements stiff as I force myself into the driver’s seat.
Her amber eyes flood. “I love you so fucking much, Mick.”
I crank up the fastback, and it growls to life before the idle calms to a steady purr. With a heavy heart and adrenaline pumping though my veins, I shut the door. My eyes flash to hers once more, then I gun it down the street.
I race back to the freeway, trying to put as many miles as fast as possible between me and the girl I desperately love. I’m so close to caving, to falling on my sword and taking it all back, to saying fuck it to everyone except her, to wild visions of running away together, consequences be damned.
But I can’t. And I won’t sacrifice her future and happiness while I navigate this situation with Remy that could take months or years to unfold, untangle, and resolve.
Not to mention the other unfixable problem stemming from an impetuous decision we made one sunny day on a boat in the Pacific…
that is irreversible. The three of us shared each other in carnal ways—and much more—making it impossible to return to whatever we once had prior.
The fallout is a repercussion I’ve long feared and only cements our fate.
I fumble for my pack of Marlboros and light one with shaky fingers. Adrenaline hums under my skin, my heart annihilated by nuclear bomb, leaving a crater in my chest where that organ used to be.
My own rage emerges, the injustice of it all, the look on Jax’s face as I disappointed the one person who believes in me, trusts in me. A trust I’ve blown forever.
I let that sink in.
No matter what comes down the pike, she’ll never have faith in anything I say or promise again.
And the realization slams into me so hard it sucks the breath from my lungs.
I’ve lost her.
Forever.