Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
when everything goes black, that’s all there is
Alice
It feels like Arthur has been trying to tell me something since I dumped all my childhood trauma on him the other day, but I either haven’t had the energy for whatever that conversation will bring, or I’ve been with Gran.
Her health’s taken a major nosedive, and while Arthur has offered to come keep me company or help me, there’s not much he can do.
There’s barely anything I can do, other than be there, so I’ve spared him the unnecessary additional stress.
Between the challenges at work with preparing for the horses starting to arrive soon and his final testing coming up, we’ve been preoccupied.
In the evenings, we pretty much fall into bed, seeking comfort in one another’s warmth.
The elephant in the room remains, being ignored.
Every time I kiss him feels like it could be the last, and I think he knows.
As I step into the quiet farmhouse, absolutely exhausted, I’m reminded of those first few days here, when I felt so out of place, when I thought I’d live here for a few days and then find somewhere else to live close by. I never could have seen this coming.
Him. This life.
Coworkers who have become best friends. A dog I can’t imagine not seeing every day. A man who can settle my nerves with nothing but a touch, and who truly cares for me.
Nothing about being here was planned, yet some days it’s as if someone coordinated all of this perfectly. I moved back to a town I thought I hated, only to fall in love with it again. Only to fall in love.
My phone rings loudly, the tone I set for Gran’s care facility stealing all of the peace and comfort I’ve come to find in this house. And when the voice on the other end calmly tells me I need to rush to see Gran, I do just that.
Amid the chaotic blur of doctors, nurses, and paperwork to be signed, I call Arthur no less than twelve times.
Once it became clear I’d be finalizing end-of-life decisions today, and provisions would have to be made for Gran’s body, I knew I wanted him here.
I only wanted him here. I needed him. Need him.
But he’s not picking up, and no one at the ranch knows where he is, so I’ve done it all alone.
Like I’ve done just about everything else in my life.
After endless hours, my bones are weary, my head is starting to pound, and my eyes are bloodshot. I try Arthur one last time before I start my Jeep.
Nothing.
I drive in silence, unsure of where to drive to, but also knowing there’s only one place I can go.
My mind wanders between where Arthur could be and whether or not I should start packing as soon as I get back.
I wonder what I’ll write in my resignation letter and how much notice I’ll give.
Probably no time at all, because the thought of having to live and work with Arthur with a fixed end date makes my heart ache to the point that it’s hard to breathe.
In between every thought, though, there are the same recurring words:
I don’t want to go. I want to stay. I want to stay with him. Arthur.
And when a car runs a red light, there’s no time to react.
When everything goes black, he’s all there is.
Arthur.