Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
my promises might be well-intentioned, but they can be broken
Arthur
Every day, it feels like she’s about to tell me this is her last day here.
Every morning, I wake up half expecting she’ll be gone.
And every night, I wrap myself up in her, thankful for one more chance to keep her close, shoving the reminders that I haven’t given her my truth yet as far away as I can.
Except today, I couldn’t.
I tried to push those thoughts aside, tried to pretend like it hasn’t been eating me alive to know she lost someone—no, not someone, her mom—to addiction, and she’s been living with, sleeping with, an addict.
So I called an emergency meeting with Beau, who was more than willing to meet and let me sit in silence for a solid hour before I told him anything.
Once I started, there was no stopping. I told him what Alice told me.
It didn’t feel wrong because I know Beau won’t share that information with anyone, not even Josie.
I told him what I’ve been feeling lately, that there’s this vise around my chest that won’t loosen, and I can’t take any more, and it makes me want to do something to forget about it all.
Something I know I’d regret. Something I promised myself I’d never do again.
But I’m an addict, and my promises might be well-intentioned, but they can be broken, especially if I don’t check-in at meetings and talk to my sponsor when I start to feel like this.
“It fucking sucks. I’ve never been this happy, but I know happiness has an expiration date, yet I can’t bring myself to be the one to end it.
It’s no different than being high. You always know at some point, it’ll end.
It can’t last forever, but it feels so fucking good you chase that feeling over and over and over.
I know she’s going to leave, and I don’t care.
I want to pretend it’s not happening, but that’s unhealthy as hell.
” I shove my hands into my hair, pulling on the ends like it’ll somehow pull the answers to my problems out of my brain.
“And she has no idea. I’m lying to her by omission.
I’m intentionally keeping this massive secret from her because I’m an asshole. ”
“Try again,” Beau offers in his deep voice.
“Because I’m fucking terrified.” My voice cracks, the fear seeping into my bloodstream making it hard to breathe. “I know I can’t keep her, but this will drive her away faster. I know it will.”
“No, you don’t. You think it will.” He’s so calm, it’s almost infuriating.
“I’m pretty fucking certain. How could it not? And she’s been so stressed with her grandmother and things at work. I don’t want to add to her load. I can’t do that to her.”
I won’t.
I won’t cause her any more stress. Not now.
“You’re scared to lose her. You’re scared to cause her pain.
But let me tell you something, Art, even if you’re lucky enough to keep her, that’ll never change.
And you’re going to have to figure out how to live with that.
” He levels me with a look I know damn well because I saw it a lot when he first became my sponsor.
“I’m still scared Josie will leave my sorry ass.
Scared I’ll be the cause of any more sleepless nights for her.
But I have to trust her love, and I have to trust myself.
She chose me through the worst of it, and she chooses me every day.
So do I. I choose myself, too, because I want to be here for her.
Because I choose life with her above life any other way.
” He scratches his chin, and I know he’s about to really hit me with something now.
“Remember what I told you when I met you? You have to shift from ‘you are the problem’ to ‘you have a problem.’ I think you sometimes still get stuck thinking you’re the problem.
You’re not. Everyone has baggage. Did you want to walk away from her when she told you about her mom and grandma?
No. I know you didn’t because you’re here.
I know you didn’t because if anything, her opening up to you made you fall even more in love with her. ”
The man doesn’t falter. He doesn’t waver. He puts me firmly in my place after I’ve spent hours of his time talking about how I’ve been running in circles.
“Everything she does makes me fall more in love with her, Beau. Since she first looked at me with those golden eyes, I’ve known she was a treasure I couldn’t ever be worthy of.
” I close my eyes for a few seconds, picturing her perfect face.
“I know there’s nothing I could do to deserve her, Beau. I know that.”
“You could be honest with her. You could let her see you. You could let her decide for herself whether or not she can handle what you share. You could ask her to stay. You could go with her.” His brows furrow then, and it’s the first sight of emotion he’s shown, even if his words are full of them.
“You have options, Art. And if you don’t ask for what you want, you’re far less likely to get it. ”
“You really think it’s that easy? Be honest and ask for what I want?
Which, by the way, is to be wherever she is.
Sure, it’d be nice to be close to my family now that my dad and I are mending things, but he’d understand.
They all would.” That truth knocks into me hard and fast. My family would be sad to not have me close; they’d be sad not to have her close, too, but they’d understand.
I know they would. And how fucking lucky am I that I get to have that.
“I never said it’d be easy, but yeah, it is.
If you know she’s the one, then you either live with regret or you live knowing you did everything you could.
” For the first time since we sat in his empty bar, he reaches for his phone.
“Sorry, this is the fifth call from this number. Hello?” he says, lifting the phone to his ear.
I know it’s not Josie because she has her own ringtone. “Yeah. Understood.”
There is zero indication of what his conversation is about until he blows out a slow breath and swears. My skin prickles because Beau doesn’t react to things. “Give me fifteen minutes. “ He hangs up, looping his car keys onto his fingers as he stands. “We gotta go.”
I follow him out, knowing whatever is happening is bigger than me right now. Plus, I know what to do. Beau, as usual, is right. I have to tell her everything. About my addiction, about being in love with her, all of it.
After we’ve driven in silence for a few minutes, it’s obvious we’re on the way to the hospital. Beau knows a lot of people, so I don’t bother guessing who it could be we’re going to see. I just don’t get why I’m with him.
“I’m gonna tell you what’s going on, and you need to accept that this is all I know.
We’ll find out more when we get there, all right?
” He turns to me briefly, catching my nod.
“It was Alice. She was in a car accident. Gabriel called me after he couldn’t reach you.
He doesn’t have all the details, but on the scene they assumed at least a couple of broken ribs and likely a pretty bad concussion. ”
My stomach instantly starts to turn thinking about the pain she must be in.
I reach for my phone, which I had turned off when I got to Beau’s.
When it lights up, there are over twenty missed calls from Alice, Gabe, and Owen.
“Gabriel is going to try to get some more information from the hospital, but that’s all he knows so far. She’s okay, Arthur. She’s alive.”
Several responses come to mind, and none of them make it out of my mouth. I can’t form words, not when guilt is eating me up from inside.
After a few more minutes of silence, Beau looks over at me again. My skin feels tight and my jaw is clenched so hard it’s starting to hurt, but I manage to say what I’ve been thinking. “She needed me, and I wasn’t there.”
“You were taking care of yourself so you could take care of her. You’re going to be there in a few minutes, and that matters, too.
” Beau stops the car at the emergency door.
“I’ll be right in.” I rush into the hospital, not registering any of the details around me.
My body is moving, but I’m not sure how. I’m on autopilot. I need to get to her.
I expect to rush to a desk and beg for them to let me see her, but when I walk in, Rosemary, Gabriel, and Rafael are all there.
They spot me at the same time, running over to me, talking at once.
Ro shushes my brothers and grabs me by the shoulder.
“She’s all right. We can’t see her yet because they’re doing a few more tests and scans, but she’s alive.
Did you hear me, Arthur? She’s all right. I need you to take a breath now, kid.”
In the next second, a heavy set of arms is embracing me, and when I feel my brother’s chest expand against mine, I start to relax.
After a few seconds, my breathing matches his, and I suck in a lungful of air, clearing the haze in my brain.
“That’s it, brother. You’re doing great.
” Rafael’s voice brings me back, and when I look up, Gabriel’s concerned eyes are boring into me.
“You got this. We’re here, and we’re not leaving you or her.
” Raf loosens his hold on me, and Gabriel nods, agreeing with what he’s saying.
“Th—” I clear my throat of all the emotion there, the fear lodged so deep it’s practically another organ inside me. “Thank you,” I manage as I straighten, giving Raf’s arm a squeeze. “What do we do now?”
“Now we wait,” Gabriel answers.
“Together,” Rafael finishes for him.
“You guys don’t have to—” I start.
“We’re not leaving you, Arthur,” Raf repeats. His normally jovial face is serious in a way most people think him incapable of.
“And we’re not leaving Alice, either.” My mother’s voice comes from behind me, and when I see my dad standing next to her, it’s all I need to let my tears fall.