Chapter 33 Under-skin of A Cock
If the Earth is a massive ball-sack, then the women’s sanitary essentials aisle is the under-skin of a cock right after an orgasm…
I have no idea why I said that, or what it even means, but my brain decided to stop functioning when I entered the women’s section in Walmart, so my thought-vomit had taken a dark and twisted turn.
My deepest, most sincerest apologies.
I was standing in front of pads. Packets, upon packets, upon packets of pads.
So many pads.
So.
Fucking.
Many.
My eyes were being assaulted by wrappers that were black and pink and purple and blue and green and… What the hell kind of color even was that?!
Peach?
Orange?
Sherbet?
RETINAL DEATH?
I dragged both my hands over my face and considered ringing for backup.
My mom wasn’t an option, because there was no way I was asking her if I should get Rina an S, M, or XL pad.
Sienna would think I’m crazy if I consulted her about this, and Rina would probably reach out of my phone and breathe fire into my eyeballs if I texted her about her… size preference.
Which meant I had only one option left.
“Myles! Oh, dearie, if only you’d warned me beforehand about the video call, I’d have found a secluded place for us to chat,” Daniel said after picking up my call.
FYI: I was regretting this already.
“Where are you?” I asked him. “It’s so dark that I can barely see you.”
“Where do you think?” The camera angle moved, and I saw a familiar hearth behind Daniel’s smug face.
“Ah, you’re at Vila do Acaí.”
“But of course, buttercup. Who else is going to bake all the cupcakes and breads, if not yours truly?” He took a seat in front of the hearth and lifted a brow. “But anywho, what’s up with you? You look like you’ve seen Cruz without his pants on.”
Cruz, who was also in the baking room, spat a curse at Daniel, resulting in us both to laugh.
“I need your help in picking pads for Rina,” I told Daniel.
I heard him gasp, and in the distance, Cruz muttered, “Lord, please take me now.”
“Scandalous, aren’t you?” Daniel mused.
“Try desperate,” I countered, and then sighed. “Look, I have no idea how this works. You have a wife, Daniel; I’m sure you know about–” I stopped when I realized his phone was on speaker. “Wait, can Mr. Ribeiro hear me right now?!”
Oh God, oh God, oh fuck-me-sideways God.
Daniel clicked his tongue. “No. He’s out having lunch with Remi’s grandfather. You’re safe, don’t worry.”
I ran a hand through my hair. “Okay, but can you tell me which pad to get Rina so that I can leave this fucking aisle already?”
A woman and a little girl were passing me by, but stopped briefly to give me the stink eye before continuing on their way.
Great. Just what I needed: looks full of murderous intent.
“Get an all-night pack,” came Daniel’s voice. “That’s the safest option.”
I looked around the groups and subgroups of packets, and my eyes finally landed on a black box with the moon and the stars printed on it. There was a fluffy bunny sleeping on top of the moon, and the packaging claimed the following:
All Night Protection. 100% absorbent. 0% leaks guaranteed. Gel lock.
Bingo! Jackpot! Hallelujah!
I was about to grab the massive box, but stopped when I saw…
Size: S
I groaned in defeat. “You have got to be shitting me.”
“What’s wrong?” Daniel asked.
“There’s a size selection for these as well,” I muttered as I glared at the boxes. I needed a breathing bag. Or a stress ball. Or a hammer so that I could destroy this entire fucking aisle.
“Uh…” Daniel scratched his jaw. “Look, you’re going to have to figure that out on your own. Or, maybe you could simply ask Rina. But please do not expect me to tell you an estimated size of her vagina. I’m too young to die from a coronary.”
I scowled at him, to which he pressed his lips together and gave me a shrug.
I sighed and glanced at the bunny-pads once more. Uttering a silent prayer to the guy high above, I grabbed the box that said M under the size column, and threw it into my cart.
“Yay! You did it!” Daniel cheered, and I realized that the video call was still going.
“I don’t know how your wife deals with you,” I told him as I walked out of the women’s section. “You’re like a heartburn with a face. It’s annoying.”
I heard Cruz’s laughter in the background as Daniel stared at me with his mouth hung open.
“What? Cat got your tongue?” I mused as I entered the chocolate aisle.
“Are you forgetting that it was you who called me?” he said.
I put a Snickers and Mars double-pack in my cart, and then grabbed a box of Reese’s before adding that in, too.
“Yes,” I answered Daniel, “I remember. And I also recall regretting my decision the second you picked up the call.”
“Rude, Myles. Very rude.”
“You deserve it, though,” Cruz chimed in. “This, and a lot more.”
I chuckled as I went around adding more and more chocolates to my cart.
“You know what, Reyes?” Daniel began. “No free cupcakes or pastries for you anymore. You’ve shown absolutely zero respect to my kindness towards you and your sweet tooth.
You are officially cancelled from my list of favorites, however gorgeous you might be.
You’re evil incarnate, a devil in Adonis skin. A complete monster!”
I rolled my eyes. “Whoa, Daniel; stop with the compliments already. I’m about to drop dead swooning on this germ-encrusted floor.”
He pursed his lips. “Are you sure you don’t want those free cupcakes?”
“Nope, I’m good,” I said with a smile. “They were leftovers from the day before anyway. I’m better off without them, to be honest.”
Daniel inhaled sharply. “Who told you that?” he questioned. He looked so baffled, it was funny.
I smirked. “Who do you think?”
His expression became comically perplexed. “Right, okay.” He nodded. “Yes, I see that now.”
“You finally broke Daniel, Myles,” Cruz said, and then finally appeared next to him.
“Hey, man.” I waved at him, then pushed my cart further ahead.
“Hey yourself.” Cruz placed an elbow on Daniel’s shoulder. “I was actually hoping to steal my partner here,” he smacked Daniel in the chest, “for a quality-test on the new batch of cookies that I just pulled out of the oven.”
“Of course,” I said. “Talk to you guys soon, yeah?”
“For sure,” Cruz promised. “Bye, Myles.”
“Bye, Heartbreaker,” Daniel added, which made Cruz roll his eyes.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t help but laugh.
“Later, guys.” I disconnected the call and put my phone away so that I could explore the rest of the chocolate aisle without any interruptions.