CHAPTER FIVE
It was almost noon and Emma had no idea how long she’d been staring out the sitting room window, but not seeing anything. She still couldn’t believe the letter she’d received from her parents, posted just before they’d set sail. They had learned of an opportunity to teach in China for a year which would enable them to extend their time abroad from the estimated one year to two or more. Their parents had, of course, said how much they’d miss Emma and Grace, but apparently not enough to pass up the opportunity to double the time they’d be away.
Grace had been inconsolable at the news and while Emma had wished to break down in tears like her sister, she had to be the stronger one. She’d told Grace she was certain it would be as difficult for their parents to be gone that long as it would be for the sisters to tolerate their absence. But Emma didn’t truly believe that. Their parents had been packing up and setting sail for as long as Emma could remember, with little regard for her and Grace. This was just one more example of it.
Finally, Grace had stopped crying and had professed the desire to be alone in her bedchamber, other than for Patsy, who hadn’t left Grace’s side since she’d broken down in tears.
Emma felt little better herself and matters weren’t helped by the fact she hadn’t seen Audsley the previous day. She’d received no word from him, which wasn’t that odd since they rarely planned to meet. But it was the first time in several days that she hadn’t encountered him on her walk. She’d even lingered in the woods hoping he would come. That was when she’d realized she’d grown a good deal too dependent upon seeing him for her own good, so she’d set off for home. Of course, her pace had been so slow she could have sworn a snail passed her.
Today, of all days, her spirits could use a boost. She’d already missed their usual time because of the letter and now she wasn’t sure she wanted to be disappointed yet again by not seeing him. That made her cross with herself because she’d never in her life minded a solitary walk. Just as she’d been tempted to retreat to her own bedchamber for a nice long sulk there was a knock at the door. She opened it to reveal the man himself waiting outside and Emma’s entire day brightened in that moment.
“Audsley!” she said, witlessly. “I didn’t expect to see you today.”
“Why is that?”
“I didn’t see you yesterday.”
“I was detained.” He paused. “My mother is at the abbey.”
Emma waited to see if there would be further explanation. None was forthcoming. “Have you come to escort me on a walk?”
“That was my intention.”
That was his intention. And somehow that made this even more special than simply running into him. He had actually come to the house to escort her. “I’ll run upstairs to let Grace know I’m leaving, but I’ll be right back.”
After checking on Grace, who was feeling better thanks to Patsy’s insistence on snuggling, Emma grabbed her pelisse then was soon walking with Audsley on a beautiful day. As usual, he didn’t say much, and Emma found herself unable to make a great deal of conversation since the letter from her parents was still fresh in her mind.
He must have sensed something was amiss because they hadn’t been underway too long before he asked, “What’s wrong, Emma?”
She hadn’t intended on telling him, especially since she’d always had the impression he thought her parents were irresponsible, though he’d never come right out and said it. But Emma couldn’t wholly confide in Grace and she had to tell someone. “We received a letter from Mama and Papa.” She told him what it said and felt the relief of unburdening herself, even as she saw him frown at their actions.
“So, you do not know when they will return?”
“No. But, we didn’t know before, either, other than it would be about a year from now, which would allow for three months of sailing there and three months back, as well as six months to explore the Far East. Limited means would have prevented them from staying much longer than that. But if Papa is to work there, who knows how much longer they will stay?” said Emma, her voice breaking.
Audsley took her hand and did a most extraordinary thing. He removed her glove, then his glove, then enfolded her hand in his. He said nothing. He just listened to her while holding her hand in the most intimate way possible. Emma was surprised she could speak with the heat of their two hands pressed together. It was a most exquisite sensation, warming her all over, making her feel heat in parts of her body which had only previously cried out to her at night.
They walked like that through his land, past the horses in paddocks and farmers tilling their fields, though they were careful to stay far enough away that no one could see their shocking intimacy of holding ungloved hands. It was a longer walk than usual, and through parts of the estate they normally did not traverse.
Finally, they approached her favorite part of his estate – the rose garden. It was late afternoon and the rich scent enveloped Emma’s senses. She’d walked by it on numerous occasions over the years, but had never ventured in.
“I’ve never been to the middle before,” said Emma, as she looked at the small maze on the edge of the rose garden, bordered by well-manicured hedges which must be eight feet tall.
“I believe my great-grandfather designed it. There are roses in the middle, a special treat to those who venture that far in.”
“Do you come here often?”
“I haven’t in years,” he said, almost like he found it difficult to believe he was there now.
“Can we explore the maze?”
He studied her for a curiously long moment, then nodded.
* * *
Audsley couldn’t believe he’d brought Emma there. It was entirely too secluded, especially when the sensation of being palm-to-palm with her had been wreaking havoc on his self-control. He shouldn’t even think of venturing into the maze with her. He should return her to her cottage immediately, then jump in the lake to cool off.
But his mother’s visit had made him realize his time in the country would soon come to an end. In truth, his whole existence as a bachelor was likely ending sooner than he would like.
He’d originally taken Emma’s hand to comfort her. He’d been incensed to hear how selfish her parents had been. He’d even wondered if they had planned to be gone longer than a year all along. The journey to the Orient was a long one. It had always been foolish to undertake it knowing they would stay for such a short time. But her parents had a history of poor decision-making through the years. As just the latest example, they’d only negotiated a year’s lease for the cottage, and not a very generous one at that. He would never evict Emma and Grace, of course, but their parents shouldn’t be depending on his largesse. But he couldn’t say any of that to Emma. His role was to do what he could to make her feel better.
So, he’d held her hand and hadn’t been able to resist removing their gloves as he’d done so. But he had gravely miscalculated the effect. Every part of his being had been focused on where their hands had been pressed together skin-to-skin. For all he knew, he’d agreed to give Emma and her sister the abbey. Nothing had mattered, except their hands.
And now he’d just agreed to show her the center of the maze. The one place on his entire estate where they would find complete privacy.
It was madness.
Yet he was unable to say no to her on this matter because he very much wished to be alone with her, come what may.
Emma was so alive next to him. Even when she’d been so close to crying and he’d wanted nothing more than to hold her, there’d been a fundamental life to her which couldn’t be contained. Now, she was smiling and laughing, while they were slowly enveloped by the maze.
“Which way?” she asked, when they came to the first juncture where they could go either right or left.
“I leave that up to you.” He knew the way but was happy to stay within the confines of the maze as long as possible.
“Really?” she said, with a grin, her eyes laughing. He was so relieved to see her happy again. “I wouldn’t think you are a man to follow anyone.”
“I will make an exception this one time,” he said, as he let her lead them to the left, which he knew to be wrong.
“You do know how to get us out of here, don’t you? I would hate to be lost for days, leaving Grace to worry.”
“I have to think that even if I didn’t know the way, I wouldn’t allow us to be lost for days,” he said as he followed her down another wrong turn. He liked watching her quickly consider her options, then all but race down her chosen path into a dead end. It was how she did most things, with laughter and determination.
“Drat! Now, we’ll have to go back. I don’t suppose you’ll give me a hint as to the next direction.”
“I will for a price.”
That stopped her. “What’s your price?”
“A kiss.” This was extremely foolhardy, but it might be the last time they’d be truly alone for a while. He would likely have to return to London with his mother – it might be the only way to get her to leave – and he didn’t know when he would be back. There was nowhere else on the estate with this much privacy and he didn’t want to end this incredible day which was a moment in time he would always remember. And that was why he’d been reckless enough to request a kiss.
Judging from Emma’s expression, she had no objections to paying the toll.
He closed the distance between them and brought his lips to hers in a gentle kiss which immediately reignited the flames from their previous interludes. After a time, he reluctantly brought his head up. “Perhaps, I should show you the way.”
“Never!” she said, her color heightened. She ran ahead and took another wrong turn, followed by another dead end.
What could he do but kiss her again? This time it lasted a bit longer.
She took his hand and ran ahead, forcing him to keep up with her. Another dead end had them kissing longer. This time, he ran his hands up from her waist to just below her breasts. He was just about to touch one when she took his hand again and ran.
He wasn’t certain how anyone as smart as Emma could run into so many dead ends, especially since it appeared they’d taken the same wrong turn more than once. But they were hitting one after another and their kisses were lasting longer.
At the next stop, he didn’t just brush his hands against the sides of her breasts, he cupped them entirely. She moaned and leaned into his touch, while running her hands down his back close to his arse. After a moment’s hesitation, she put one hand on his buttocks. His groan at her sweet, light touch was loud.
Just as she was about to run again, he tugged her back to him. “Do you want to see the roses at the center? No one will be about.”
She looked him in the eyes and nodded, perhaps realizing he wasn’t just asking about the roses.
“Then follow me.”
Audsley had run the maze several times as a child and knew it backward and forward. Even if he hadn’t tracked their progress earlier, his instinct would take them there now, especially with the incentive he had to be completely alone with Emma.
Half a dozen turns later, they arrived at the center of the maze, where pink, red and white roses were planted in meticulous rows surrounding lush grass in the middle.
“It is beautiful. And it smells lovely.” Emma closed her eyes and turned her face up to the warmth of the sun.
“You are beautiful. And you smell lovely.” He kissed her and their hands were roaming everywhere on each other, even as he moved them to the lush grass.
She stopped briefly. “Where are the gardeners?”
Audsley blinked as he tried to remember what day it was. He breathed a sigh of relief. “They do this section on Mondays.” Thank goodness it was Thursday.
They continued to the grass. He shrugged out of his jacket, all the while kissing Emma. He meant to put it on the ground so they wouldn’t get grass stains on her gown. But she must have misinterpreted his actions, for she shyly moved her hands to his waistcoat.
“May I unbutton it?” she asked.
“Of course!” He threw his coat to the ground and helped her unbutton his waistcoat. Without thinking, he removed his cravat while kissing her. He pulled her to the ground, then lay on top of her. They couldn’t get enough of each other and all thought was lost as be began bunching up her gown, so he could feel the smooth silk of her skin.
She moaned and didn’t quite know what to do with her hands, so he solved that problem by putting one directly onto his cock, which was bulging against his trousers. She moaned again and for a moment he was afraid he’d gone too far. But from the way she was now pressing against him with curiosity and joy, he couldn’t resist bringing his hand to the warm, soft, wet heart of her. He wouldn’t take things too far, but as long as they were here, he would at least bring her to release.
As he gently put first one finger into her, then another and began to stroke, she made noises which drove him mad. She was incredibly responsive and he could think of nothing else but this moment.
Until he realized she’d somehow undone the placket of his trousers and now had her hand gently wrapped around him.
“Audsley, how do I do this?” She was both shy and eager.
Nothing had ever excited him more.
He lifted himself off her to pull his trousers down further to give her greater access, then showed her the rudimentary motion before returning to what he’d been doing before. Now they were both stroking each other and Audsley had never felt anything more intense. He’d never felt closer to anyone. He might find that curious since they knew so little about each other. But that would require some thought, and this was definitely not the time for thinking.
She was getting closer and closer to her climax and he was wondering which way to turn to spill his seed when he realized she was spreading her legs for him and, somehow, quite independent of thought, he was at her entrance. At that realization, he moved away, but she pulled him to her. She was frantic with need.
“Audsley, please!”
And that was all it took for a man who was a master of control to enter her and bring the two of them to a frantic conclusion. He was grateful for the density of the maze to muffle their cries, then he knew nothing more than complete release. He dropped inelegantly onto her and knew peace for one of the first times in his life.
* * *
Emma wasn’t certain how long she dozed, but when she awoke, she felt like a different person. She was filled with joy and, if she dared admit it, love. This wasn’t the love of a young girl with stars in her eyes. This was the love of a young woman who’d just shared an indescribable intimacy with the man she’d long adored. The sky might be darkening with dusk and a cool breeze was blowing in, but she felt filled with light.
With some surprise she noted her skirts were pulled down and Audsley’s jacket was covering her against the wind. She turned to thank him then realized he wasn’t there. He was sitting on a bench several yards away, but close enough for her to see his expression. And instead of sharing her joy from their interlude, his was the face of dread and guilt.
She was about to make a jest to soften his expression, when he said, “Emma, pray forgive me for making the greatest mistake of my life.”
It had been very hard to keep from crying when Emma had received her parents’ letter. But that was nothing compared to the monumental effort she felt at that moment to keep the tears from falling. Audsley had just described the most meaningful experience of Emma’s life as his greatest mistake.
It was the second time that day that Emma felt her life collapsing upon her. She turned away to straighten her skirt, giving herself time to blink back the tears which were trying desperately to fall. But she refused to let him see what his words had done to her. “It is quite late.”
“Emma,” he said, desperately. “We need to talk about this.”
“In a day of mistakes, Audsley, that would simply be one more. I must go. I do not wish to worry Grace.” She looked around for her bonnet.
She turned to see him standing a foot away, holding it. She waited for him to give it to her, but, instead, he just held it. “Emma, you must believe I’ve never before done anything so dishonorable in my life. I’ve done you a grave injustice. I’ve taken from you…”
“You’ve taken nothing from me!” she all but barked at him. He thought this was the biggest mistake of his life and it had been her greatest moment of joy. It was too humiliating to contemplate, and every moment spent discussing it was one more painful memory she’d have to live with forever. And now he was likely to make it even worse by proposing. She’d refuse him, of course. It was the only honorable thing for her to do given his regret, not to mention she’d never marry someone who didn’t love her.
“I cannot marry you,” he said.
Emma felt the blood first recede from her face, then flood it with color. She meant so little to him that he wouldn’t even marry her for honor’s sake? Christopher Aston, the most honorable man she knew, was going to have his way with her, then leave. She couldn’t believe it. But then she realized she wasn’t being fair in pinning all the blame on him. He hadn’t “had his way with her.” They’d both been mad with passion. She knew with her whole being that if she’d told him to stop, he would have. Instead, she’d pulled him to her and begged him – begged him – to make love to her.
“I am worried we may have made a child,” he said.
Once again, Emma’s blood drained, then flooded her face. She was well and truly ruined. The act of relations wouldn’t ruin her because she was positive he would never tell anyone what they’d done. His honor would ensure that, even if it did come up short in other ways. But a baby!
A baby. Suddenly, she thought of a baby of her own and her heart filled with love. They’d have to leave, of course. She and Grace would move to a tiny ramshackle cottage elsewhere – she was fairly certain England was filled with them. She would invent a husband who’d died tragically young and they would raise her baby. There would be challenges, but the babe would be well and truly loved.
Audsley was still talking. She had to clear her head. “What were you saying?”
He looked a little offended that she hadn’t been paying attention. Good! It was his turn to be the offended and not just the offender.
“I said that if you are with child we would make the best of it. We would marry, though you would face a great deal of trouble from my mother, who has very specific ideas about my ideal bride.”
“Yes, I’m certain she does,” said Emma, not sure if he was finished speaking and not caring. “I am certain you have some very definite ideas, as well. I, too, have ideas about my ideal husband, and those do not include a man who would only marry a bride his mother picked out for him.”
“That isn’t what I said.”
“Yet that is what I heard. You are horrified that we made this…mistake. And pray do not worry that I will try to trap you into marriage. We both wanted to do what we did here today and the blame falls on no one.”
“It falls on me. I knew better and should have acted appropriately.”
“Damn it, Audsley! Do give me credit for having a brain in my head and a will of my own. I wanted this very badly and realize now that it was imprudent of us to come into the maze. But, that is behind us now. You need not fear a marriage between us because I wouldn’t consent to one under any circumstances, including if I am with child.”
Emma wouldn’t have thought it possible, but his maddingly calm demeanor changed. His color heightened, and he was no longer a master of control.
“No child of mine will ever bear the stigma of illegitimacy.”
“You wouldn’t have to see it. Grace and I would leave.”
“That would never happen, Emma, never. I could not bear to think I had a child in the world I could not hold. A child who wouldn’t know how much I loved him or her. You must promise you’ll marry me if you are with child. I’d make things right for both of you. And if you leave, I will never stop searching for you and my child.”
Emma wouldn’t have thought her heart could break more, but it did. Hearing how much Audsley would love his child brought her closer to tears than anything else that day, which was really saying something. He wouldn’t stop searching for her and his child.
His child. That was the difference. He hadn’t softened his heart toward her. Just his child.
She sighed. “Must we talk about this now? It’s getting dark and I must go home.”
“Yes, we must speak of this now. Promise me – promise me – that you’ll let me know if a babe results from our….” He was at a loss for words.
“Our mistake?”
After a moment, he nodded.
“Yes, Audsley, I promise. I will let you know as soon as I know. Fortunately, you’ll not have long to wait. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll walk home alone.”
“That is out of the question.”
She turned to him and couldn’t keep the anger out of her voice. “No, Audsley, it isn’t. You have dictated quite enough today. I will walk home alone and, save for the one conversation I know we must have, you’ll not call on me again.”
She strode to the entrance of the maze, then realized she might never get out of there. He must have known it as well, for she heard him about a foot behind her.
“I’ll not walk with you, just behind,” he said quietly. “I’ll tell you which turns to take, since I assume you do not wish to prolong your time with me.”
“You are correct,” she said, before allowing him to quietly call out the directions. She walked as fast as she could and took some satisfaction that he had to rush to keep up with her. Unfortunately, she remembered each wrong turn they’d made earlier – many of them on purpose – and the kisses they’d shared on the way into the maze. Now she just wished to get out.
When she finally did emerge, it was almost dark. “You can go back to the abbey now. I’ll find my way home alone.” It was a statement, not a question. But he followed her all the way home, keeping his distance and not saying a word.
When she got to the door, she didn’t turn to say any last words. She just entered the cottage, hoping to finally let the tears fall in private.