CHAPTER SIX
Audsley had never been angrier with himself in his life than when he walked home from Emma’s cottage. He couldn’t believe he’d lost all control and taken Emma’s innocence. He never lost control, especially with women. And to have taken Emma in so rough a manner, to ruin her. It was inconceivable that he’d acted so dishonorably. But he’d been overcome by such an intense attraction to her that he’d been truly lost to everything but Emma.
That didn’t excuse him, of course. Her first time should have been with a husband who showered her with tenderness and love. Of course, the thought of Emma being with another man suddenly made him want to tear the imaginary husband limb from limb.
To make matters worse, he’d completely bungled what he’d said to her immediately afterward. Instead of apologizing and begging her forgiveness, he’d said it was the biggest mistake of his life. And while that was true, a man who had a smoother tongue would have found a better way to say it.
He’d been completely bewildered at having acted so out of character, which was why his words had come out all wrong. He did not mean to insult her. Indeed, he meant to protect her. If he and Emma did marry – and she had neither the lineage nor the standing in society that a wife of his should have – she would be subjected to the abuses of his mother, who had never liked her. The disdain would only grow worse with time since his mother would never forgive him for marrying a lady she considered beneath them. He would never subject Emma to that.
Unless she was with child. The very thought of one produced both an ache and a longing in his heart.
He certainly wasn’t ready to be a father, but there was no way he’d allow his child to be raised without him. Just the very thought of Emma taking the child away had him tempted to march back to her house and take her to the church to have the banns read. He hoped she’d stay true to her word to tell him if she conceived.
Now that he’d had more time to think, he realized a life with Emma would have its advantages. She would make him laugh and engage him intellectually. Never in his life had he ever thought a wife would bring him either of those things, but now he found himself smiling at the very thought of it.
And the nights. He never would have taken things as far as he did if she hadn’t excited him more than any woman ever had before. Just thinking of it now made him hard again and that was quite a feat, considering all the rage he was feeling toward himself. He could only imagine what their nights would be like if they were married and had the luxury of a bed.
Could they marry? With each step away from her ramshackle cottage and toward his home, he realized the prospect had its appeal. He was a realist, so he knew there would be obstacles to overcome. His mother was a significant one, but far from the only one in their path. He didn’t think Emma would like ton events very much. The qualities he admired in her – her intelligence, warmth and candor – would make her despised among the petty gossips. Her grandfather was an earl, but she and Grace had spent little time in that world. Her parents had the reputation of free spirits who’d squandered what little money they had. No one would understand why they would choose the Orient over Mayfair and he knew Emma would not tolerate hearing them disparaged. For that matter, neither would he, even though he thought they were being selfish and irresponsible. But he would stand by his wife no matter what.
His wife and children would always come first with him. Always.
The more he thought about it, the more he knew he’d made a mess of things with Emma. Part of him wished to turn back and apologize. But he knew her well enough to realize she’d be furious that he’d disobeyed her instructions. She wanted him to stay away and he would do that for a while. But then he would try to make amends.
He barely acknowledged his butler when he entered his house.
“Good evening, my lord,” said Stevens as Audsley walked by. “Her ladyship would like to speak to you.”
“I’ll see her at dinner.”
“She said it was urgent, my lord. She is in the sitting room.”
Audsley thought about ignoring the demand but knew he’d pay for it later. It was better to see what she wanted so he could shut himself in his rooms for the rest of the night. Actually, he’d prefer to remain there until Emma sent word about whether she was with child but knew that was not an option. Not with his mother in residence. He entered the sitting room but remained standing. “You wished to see me?” he asked his mother who was on the settee doing needlework.
She was surprised by his brusque tone but for once did not comment on something which wasn’t to her liking. “Where were you today? You were gone for quite some time.”
“I was out. I have some matters to attend to in my suite. Is there something you need?”
“I was going to talk to you about a few marital candidates.”
“And I said there was nothing further to discuss on the subject. If you’ll excuse me…”
“Audsley, why are you so opposed to my plans? I know you said you are too young to marry, but I have to wonder if it is something else. It even occurred to me that you might have your own ideas about a bride.”
He did have one idea in particular. “Imagine that. A man having ideas about whom he would spend the rest of his life with.”
“You needn’t be so dramatic. Most married couples I know hardly spend any time at all with each other.”
Audsley knew that was how most ton marriages were, but it wasn’t what he wanted. Especially now, when he thought about life with Emma and their baby. “That is not the kind of marriage I want to have, regardless of whether it is the norm.”
“Then I suspect you have a great deal of disappointment ahead of you since that is what most ladies would expect.”
“Very well. Thank you for the confirmation of what I already suspected concerning any bride you would select for me. Now, we’ve discussed it and the matter is truly at an end. I’ll take supper in my room. Enjoy your evening.”
Audsley turned and left the room, having no idea that his mother was staring at the grass stains on the back of his jacket.
* * *
Emma had wanted to hold in her tears until she reached her bedchamber, but her emotions got the better of her the moment she walked in the door. She took some solace in the fact she hadn’t cried in front of Audsley. At least she hoped he hadn’t noticed how emotional she’d become.
Unfortunately, Grace was in the sitting room as Emma’s tears began to flow.
“Oh, Emma!” she said, as she raced across the room and folded her sister into her arms. “Are you hurt?”
Heartbroken. Mortified.But not injured in the way her sister meant. She shook her head. “Nothing has happened.” Except the most beautiful moment of her life had been stripped away.
“Is it Mama and Papa’s letter? I’m sorry I was so selfish that I went into seclusion, heedless of whether you needed comfort. I’m truly a terrible sister, but I am here for you now. Sit down while I put the kettle on.”
Emma had thought she wanted to be alone, but now that Grace was making tea and Patsy had climbed on the settee beside her, Emma realized this was exactly where she needed to be. She couldn’t bear to tell Grace the entire story, but she could share enough to let her know what had happened so they could plan for the future.
The future. She knew it was madness, but a part of her wished to have a child so that she and Audsley would marry and she could devote herself to making his life miserable.
She didn’t wish that, of course. But she would have to be a saint not to wish him to feel even the slightest bit of the misery she was experiencing right now.
“Here you are,” said Grace, as she gave her a cup of tea and sat on the other side of Patsy.
Emma savored the warmth in her hand, hoping it would dispel the cold despair she’d had ever since Audsley had pronounced their interlude a mistake.
“What happened, Em? I know you’ve been walking with Audsley. Did he say something unkind?”
Emma didn’t know how she was going to tell Grace what had happened, so she shook her head and sipped her tea, hoping her sister might move on to a different topic. But Grace persisted.
“Please, Emma, tell me what happened. I can’t help you if you don’t.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“Don’t be silly. It’s me. Nothing is embarrassing with me. Please tell me. Was he unkind about Mama and Papa?”
Emma shook her head. He’d actually been more understanding of their parents than she would have thought. No, his objections weren’t to them. They were to Emma. “We’ve been walking most days. And we’ve kissed.” Grace’s eyes widened just a bit, but she didn’t say anything. “Today, we did more than kiss. We…” The tears began to flow again and Grace took her free hand.
“He didn’t force his attentions on you, did he?” She was transformed into a fierce warrior, ready to defend her sister.
Emma knew without a doubt that Grace would do anything to avenge her. But as humiliating as it was, Emma had to admit that she had been a very willing participant. The instigator, even. If there were sins to lay at Audsley’s doorstep, forcing himself on her was surely not one of them. “No, he would never do something like that. I was willing. I was…more than willing. Our explorations went considerably further than I thought they would. And afterward he said it was a terrible mistake.”
Grace lost none of her ferocity. “I’ll bloody his nose! I’ll toss him on his arse! I’ll fling horse excrement at him every time he passes in the lane! I’ll…”
Emma laughed and it felt good to do so. “Remind me to never get on your bad side. No, none of that will be necessary. But…” Her stomach roiled at this next admission. “There is a possibility there might be…consequences from today.” Beautiful, but complicated consequences. “He said he would marry me if there are, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t marry him if he were forced into it. You and I could move away and make a life elsewhere. You would do that, wouldn’t you?”
“Of course! We can do anything you’d like! We will face any challenge and, Emma, any ‘consequence’ would be so well loved.”
Grace hugged Emma, being careful not to spill her tea. Even Patsy barked in a way which signaled her approval for their unconventional plans.
For the first time since Emma had left Audsley, she felt much better. She would find a way to care for this child. And perhaps one day her heart would heal.