CHAPTER TEN
Emma stood at her upstairs bedchamber window, looking out at the beautiful summer day. She hadn’t seen Audsley in almost three weeks but expected him back at any moment. He’d sent word five days after arriving in London that a crisis at one of his estates would delay his return by a few weeks. She’d missed him every single day, which was rather disconcerting. But it wasn’t the only reason she wasn’t feeling quite like herself.
Since the gossipy Mrs. Canterbury was also the postmistress and Emma had long suspected the woman of reading her mail, she’d been relieved that Audsley had written to Carter, then enclosed a letter for Emma. Even the brazen Mrs. Canterbury wouldn’t open a letter from one earl to another, though Emma was certain the woman hadn’t slept from not having had her curiosity satisfied.
The letter had been polite but not intimate. He’d signed it “Yours, Audsley.” For a moment, Emma had misread it and thought it said “Your Audsley,” which had produced a record number of emotions in a very brief amount of time. She didn’t know what matters he wished to discuss upon his return. But there was one thing she had to tell him.
She believed she was with child.
Unlike the last time when her courses had come within three days, Emma had had to wait ten days for the time they normally would have arrived. When they didn’t, she gave it more time. Now, she was more certain every day that a babe was growing inside her.
However, she was less certain about how she felt.
Some things were clear. She was already in love with the babe and couldn’t wait to meet him or her. She knew Grace would be thrilled to be an aunt and would offer an unending supply of love and support. She assumed Carter would enjoy being an uncle, if for no other reason than it would make his wife happy.
Emma also knew she was worried. She’d heard many pregnancies were lost within the first few weeks. So even if she was with child right now, that could still change. She would be devastated if it happened and prayed her child would be safe and healthy.
Another thing she knew was that Audsley would marry her. And she knew she would have little choice in the matter. Before, running away with Grace had been the logical plan. But Grace was married now – to one of Audsley’s closest friends. There was little to no chance that Carter would support Emma’s decision to raise the child alone when Audsley was willing to marry her, and Emma certainly wouldn’t want to place him in that situation. In addition, she didn’t wish to raise the babe on her own. She wanted her child to know his papa.
She’d seen Audsley with Patsy. It wasn’t difficult to imagine him cradling their child. She knew he would ensure their babe was safe and protected. He would love the baby. She just didn’t know if he would love her.
And that was one of the greatest uncertainties facing her – how would she and Audsley rub along together as husband and wife? She knew he’d be kind to her and ensure that she and the babe had everything they needed. She would never fear him, which made her more fortunate than so many other women. But would he ever love her? Could he ever love her? Because she was fairly certain she was in love with him. What kind of marriage would it be if only one of them were truly invested in it?
In some ways, he was so different from her friends’ husbands. Arabella’s husband Jonathan had been so devoted to his late wife that Arabella had been unsure if he could ever love again. But just seeing the two of them together took away any doubt about their happiness. He was dedicated to Arabella and loved her dearly.
Grace and Carter were similarly happy. They could barely keep from touching each other, which was one reason Emma made sure to keep her visits to the house short because she didn’t want to interrupt them enjoying their newly married status. Though, from the looks of them, they might be that way forever.
Daphne and Jeremy had formed a deep bond as they’d risked their lives together on a dangerous mission. They were now living a life of love to help make up for the difficulties each had lived through previously.
Lily had risked her life to rescue Oliver and he’d written her a letter while a captive which Lily had assured everyone was swoon-worthy, though she’d kept the contents private, something to be cherished between the two of them.
While Emma did not doubt that Audsley would protect his child with his life – as Emma would, as well – and that he would always keep Emma safe, she feared it would be more out of obligation than anything approaching love. While he had been extremely passionate as they made love, he had never said anything to make her think he loved her. And she couldn’t picture him ever writing a love letter.
Though Audsley’s feelings were her main concern, they were far from her only one. His mother was a major obstacle since Emma thought the woman would not be any more amenable to the match than she had been seven years earlier.
Emma would have no problem standing up to the harridan herself, but she hated to think the woman would make things difficult for Audsley. And she wouldn’t tolerate any mistreatment of their baby. Emma put her hand to her stomach, a gesture she’d done dozens of times a day since realizing she might be with child. She now understood a mother’s instinct to protect her babe at all costs.
She hoped Audsley returned soon but, at the same time, she worried about how he would react.
* * *
Audsley had excellent stewards whom he trusted, but there were some matters best settled personally, which was why he was at his estate in Kent, instead of back in Tidworth trying to convince Emma to marry him. He’d gone to London to get a special license, so they wouldn’t have to have the banns called. It had been very presumptuous of him, something he was certain Emma would point out, but he’d been down this road with her once before and had thoroughly made a hash of it. This time he was determined to get it right. It didn’t matter if Emma was with child or not, he wanted her for his wife.
He hadn’t planned to seduce her that day, but once they’d found themselves in the center of the maze, he’d been incapable of acting in a rational manner. He, who was almost always rational, had once again lost his head. And not just his head.
His heart was no longer his own. But it hadn’t been for seven long years.
He didn’t want to wait to propose until after he’d found out if Emma was with child. He should have said something before he left, but he was so frightened of bungling it again he’d decided all talking should cease until he returned with license in hand.
He thought about Emma having his child if not now, then sometime in the future, and he began seeing things with new eyes. His financial matters were always more or less in order, but now he’d have to plan for his son’s future. If he had daughters, he would need dowries. If his daughters were like Emma and Grace, they’d pepper him with questions day and night, demand to keep up with their brothers and give him any number of grey hairs.
And he’d love every minute of it.
He also knew Emma would be a wonderful mother. He’d seen how protective she’d been of Grace all these years and how she’d opened her home to three young ladies and a boy who’d fallen on hard times. She had a good heart.
But could she ever love him?
He knew he was too staid for her. He didn’t have a way with words like Carter. He didn’t have a tortured past – which ladies seemed to like – like Carter’s brother Jeremy, the former spy. He certainly hadn’t saved the life of the queen, like Oliver Wadsworth or had the strength to go on after the passing of a beloved wife, like Jonathan Graves.
Just the thought of something happening to Emma made his heart clench, but he refused to think about things like that. He hadn’t even convinced her to marry him yet. He still thought about her abrupt departure for London all those years ago and it still hurt. Yes, he’d been incredibly insensitive, but instead of giving him the opportunity to apologize, she’d simply departed with no farewell other than her note. If she could walk away that easily once, he wondered if she could do it again.
He needed to conclude his business and return to Tidworth post-haste. His future happiness depended on it.
* * *
Emma awoke from a deep slumber with the room still dark. She’d heard a noise but wasn’t sure what it was. The dogs, who were curled up next to each other on the floor, were awake, their heads lifted in a state of attention. So, she hadn’t imagined it. They weren’t barking, so she didn’t think it was a prowler, but she couldn’t figure out what it could have been. Then she heard a soft noise and this time the dogs did bark, though it wasn’t too frenetic. She put her wrapper on and looked around for a suitable weapon, just in case. There was a book on the table by her bed and while she hated to mistreat a novel, she would strike the man with it if she had to. Then she heard the noise again and realized it was coming from her window. It sounded like a pebble striking it, which was ridiculous. Then she looked out the window to see Audsley peering up at her. She wasn’t sure if her eyes were playing tricks on her, but she ran downstairs to know for certain.
She peeked through the sitting room window to confirm it was actually him, then opened the door. He was dressed more informally than usual, with no jacket or cravat on the warm summer’s night. But she was even more informal, considering she was wearing her nightgown and wrapper, with no shoes.
“You’re back!” she said, stating the obvious.
“I am,” he said, as he took in her appearance. Enough heat emanated off him to warm her thoroughly.
They were interrupted by Victoria, who was now dancing around him. Even Patsy had slowly made her way downstairs hoping for some attention, which Audsley gave both dogs as he entered the house and Emma shut the door behind him, trying not to think about the fact that he was there in the middle of the night and she was in her nightclothes.
Then fear gripped her. “Is something wrong with Carter and Grace?”
“I hope not. I just returned to the country this evening and have not yet seen them. Was something wrong with them earlier?”
He had just returned to the country and had come to see her in the middle of the night. “They were perfectly well when I saw them this afternoon, though I could tell they were anxious for me to leave in that way they have.” Emma could feel herself blushing. She was then even more aware that she was barely clothed.
Audsley cleared his throat, but when he spoke his voice was a bit lower than usual. “You mean the way they keep touching hands and looking at each other?”
“Yes. I decided it was time to take my leave.”
“I am certain Carter was grateful for your consideration. If everything was as it usually is, why did you ask if something was wrong with them?”
“You must admit it’s a bit odd to see you at my house at midnight and only half-dressed.”
“Emma, I am not the one who is only half-dressed,” he said, as his eyes raked her top to bottom, then to the top again.
“A gentleman would not have mentioned it,” said Emma, who was surprised she could get the sentence out.
“Perhaps, tonight I’m not interested in being a gentleman.” There was one long, heated moment of silence filled with possibilities, until he spoke again. “Shall I light a candle?”
She shook her head. There was enough moonlight streaming in through the windows that they could see each other clearly enough. And she thought the dark might give her courage. They both sat on the settee and were so close she could feel the warmth from him. She’d thought about all the different ways she should tell him about the babe, but had yet to come up with the right approach.
“Emma,” he began.
“I believe I’m with child,” she blurted out. Of all the ways she’d planned, that hadn’t been one of them. But in that moment, she was afraid he’d say something to make it impossible to tell him. From the way he looked at her in utter surprise, she had a sinking suspicion it was still possible he could ruin the moment.
“Are you certain?” he finally asked.
“As certain as I can be right now. It has been more than a week since my, uh, courses should have come. That is highly unusual for me. Plus, there are other changes.”
“Such as?” His voice was neutral. She had no idea what he was thinking.
“Must I tell you this? It is rather embarrassing.”
“I would rather that you did.”
“My chest is more sensitive.” When it appeared he didn’t take her meaning, she elaborated. “My breasts, if I must be so frank. Audsley, I didn’t plan this.”
“I know.” He took her hand and slowly raised it to his lips, kissing the tip of each of her fingers.
Emma found it difficult to breathe. “How do you feel about this development?”
For a moment, he didn’t speak, he just held her hand. Then he leaned in to kiss her gently on the lips. “I am surprised, but very happy, Emma. Will you do me the honor of marrying me?”
“Audsley…”
“Please Emma, just say yes. I must know you and our babe will be with me.”
How could she resist him when she so wanted to say yes? But how could she know if he was doing this out of anything but obligation? “There is a great deal to discuss.”
“There is. But the most important matter is knowing you’ll consent to a marriage. I have a special license. It’s why I went to London. I only regret that I didn’t ask you to marry me before you told me your news because now I fear you’ll think I’m marrying you because of the child, when nothing could be further from the truth.”
“Audsley, I think…”
“This is not the time for thinking, but for feeling. Please, Emma, marry me.”
Emma had so many unanswered questions, so many concerns about what a life with Audsley would entail. But she loved him and she loved the babe she carried. “Sometimes there are losses in the early months,” she blurted out. Even as she said it, she covered her stomach with her hand, as if she could protect her child.
He squeezed the hand he still held. “I know, Emma. Life is uncertain, which is one more reason why we should marry. No matter what happens, I want you beside me. I know we’ve had a troubled past and have no illusions that our future will be without discord. But, please, marry me anyway.”
He hadn’t mentioned love. Even if he had obtained the special license – which was a particularly shocking development – that didn’t mean he wanted to marry her because he loved her. He might be doing it out of a misguided sense of wanting to protect her. She couldn’t just say yes without more thought. “Make love to me.” She wasn’t certain where that had come from, but now the words were out, and she had no desire to take them back.
“You won’t answer me now?” he asked.
She shook her head. “Come lie with me upstairs.” She rose, hoping he’d follow.
He rose, then scooped her up in his arms. He walked across the sitting room floor, carefully avoiding Patsy and Victoria, who were sleeping. He had to turn sideways to navigate the narrow stairs, but soon they were in Emma’s bedchamber and he was laying her on the bed.
She removed her wrapper as she watched him undress with haste. They’d made love twice but she’d never seen him without clothes. But there he was now, naked and glorious before her. He had broad shoulders, a light dusting of hair on his chest and his stomach rippled with muscles. His legs were hard and sleek from a lifetime of riding.
He walked toward her.
“Wait!” she said.
He stopped and his expression shuttered. “Have you changed your mind about making love?”
“Of course not. I just want to look at you. Can you turn around? Slowly. I want to see everything.”
He made one slow revolution until he was facing her again. His cock was jutting out toward her. She’d felt it before but had only glimpsed it. She got on her knees and approached the edge of the bed, reaching out for him.
“Emma, turnabout is fair play. I would very much like to see you naked.”
For a moment, she was shy about uncovering herself. But she realized that with Audsley, she was vulnerable in many different ways. Being unclothed was the least of it. She pulled her nightgown off.
She looked up to see his eyes devouring her. There was an intensity to his look which took her breath away and heated her thoroughly. She’d never known her body could feel this way. She thought he might pounce. She wanted him to pounce. But, instead, he gently laid her back on the bed, then sat beside her.
He gently placed his large hand on her stomach.
“Our babe,” he said softly. “You are keeping him or her safe for us.” Then he leaned over and brought his lips to her stomach.
Emma felt the warmth all the way to her soul.
* * *
This was not the way Audsley had thought his night would be. He hadn’t even planned on coming over here until morning. But as he’d lain in bed, tossing and turning, worried that Emma would refuse his proposal, he’d decided he might as well get it over with. So, he’d quickly dressed then slipped out the French doors in his library and made his way through the woods in moonlight.
He’d felt hopelessly lovelorn as he’d thrown pebbles at her window, but he hadn’t wanted to frighten her by pounding on the front door. Then when she’d opened the door, looking so beautiful she robbed him of breath, his honest intentions had been replaced by a lust which had shaken him to the core.
Then she’d told him about the baby. Their baby. A child he’d instantly fallen in love with. The image of this babe was so overpowering he’d lost the ability to speak with any finesse. His carefully practiced speech had flown from his head. The only thing he knew was that Emma had to be his wife, even if he had to beg her to agree.
A baby. He still couldn’t believe it. He knew women often lost babes in the early stages and now he was terrified it would happen to them. But he had to push that thought out of his head. Right now, all that mattered was there was a babe on the way. That and he needed to convince Emma to marry him.
Now he was upstairs in Emma’s small bedchamber and she was lying on the bed, naked, looking up at him. He’d imagined her in this position countless times before, although they’d usually been in his large, comfortable bed at the abbey or in London. But the location didn’t matter. The only thing he cared about was that she seemed to want this as much as he did.
He lowered himself onto her, determined to make this last, in contrast to the two other times they’d made love when he’d been more like a wild animal than the lover she deserved.
“Audsley,” she said, as she put a hand on his cheek. The moonlight showed Emma’s vulnerability as she looked up at him. “Make me feel as one with you.”
Audsley groaned. Good intentions be damned! There was no stopping the animal her sweet request had unleashed. His hands were all over her as he kissed her and nuzzled her neck. That was heady enough, but the feel of her hands on his back pulling him toward her, then her nails lightly scoring him had him groaning again as he reached down between her legs to find her incredibly wet and hot.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he slid into her and her resulting moan almost did him in. He began moving within her and she matched his thrusts like they’d been doing this forever. There was a familiarity to their movements as her body gave itself up to his which was counterproductive to his resolve to make this last a long time. He tried counting backwards, then thought of his estate ledger. He even imagined the goats which were supposed to have inhabited the cottage – anything to delay his climax. But he knew he was lost as soon as Emma began moving against him with frantic need, her climax approaching. He put his hand between them to stimulate her and that was all it took for Emma to cry out.
And, of course, that was all it took for him to lose complete control, finishing a moment later.
He had been humiliatingly quick once again. He was usually a master of control in the bedchamber but had exhibited exactly none of that in the three times he’d been with Emma. This was yet another reason for him to be glad she was with child. He wasn’t certain she’d agree to marry him if she only had his lovemaking to consider.
He slowly pulled out of her, then lay on his back, rolling her so she was lying on him. She melted into him in a way which made him want to never let go. He kissed the top of her head as his hand slowly stroked the soft skin of her back.
“Audsley,” she said, her voice muffled a bit from his chest and her exhaustion. “That was wonderful.”
“We will get along quite nicely in the bedchamber.”
Her only response was a sigh. Then silence. He wasn’t certain if she’d dozed off, but he didn’t move for fear of waking her. He had never known the peace which he was experiencing at that moment. For seven long years he’d regretted how he had handled himself that day in the maze. Then he’d seen her year after year, both of them keeping each other at arm’s length. He’d lived in fear that she would fall in love with someone else. How would he have ever seen her married, then with children?
Children. He thought again of their child and his mind was a whirl. He needed to marry her as soon as possible, not just before she could change her mind – though he was afraid that was a distinct possibility – but also to eliminate any chance that something would happen to him which would make the child illegitimate. People did fall off horses or get run over by carriages. He had to make sure nothing happened to him. But that wasn’t his only concern.
Emma was marrying him because she was with child. She hadn’t said she loved him. She was attracted to him – and he was definitely grateful for that. But she’d said nothing about how happy she was that they’d finally be together. He didn’t want her to feel trapped, but there was little he could do about that now, other than try to make her as happy as possible. Perhaps she’d come to love him in time. He already knew she would love their child.
That had to be enough for now.
“Audsley?”
“Yes?”
“Can you stay the night? I mean, I know you have to leave before dawn, but can you stay for a few hours?”
He was flooded with warmth by her request and it was an incredibly hopeful sign. “I can think of nothing I’d rather do.” He was embarrassed to hear his voice crack with emotion.
She sighed again. “Thank you.”
He tilted her head up for a kiss. Not one of passion, but one of love. He just hoped she would one day feel the same way.