11. Summer 19
“Emma!” Rebecca shrieks as she runs toward me for a hug.
She wraps me up when she reaches me. I’m filled with such happiness to be back with one of my people. How am I here with her right now? I’m in shock. Before I can process what is happening any further, I”m bombarded with questions.
“How’s collegiate running going, Emma? Are you showing everyone who’s boss? I’m sure you’re already traveling to the conference meet and regionals, just like you planned to. Are you still going to do the mud race this summer? I know I can’t do it with you anymore”—she laughs, as if her death is just a minor inconvenience—“but you should still do it.”
I sigh. “It won’t be the same if I do it alone.”
“Get my brother to do it with you! He needs something to do this summer, and you already know he said he’d do anything for you.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “Speaking of my brother, you guys need to figure your shit out. You guys were so close to getting together last summer. I may not have heard his side of the story, but don’t think for a second I didn’t notice how smiley he suddenly was too. Not to mention the fact that Andrew was pretty much holding your hand in the UTV. That’s right! I see everything.”
I shudder at the memory of that day. Some good things happened between Andrew and me, but those quickly became a moot point after the accident.
“It’s not that simple, Becs. So much has happened since then. We went nine months without speaking to one another.”
“Emma.” She pins me with one of her knowing looks. “You have both been in love with each other forever. It’s been so painfully obvious watching the two of you, especially over the last couple of years.”
“Clearly, you’re wrong because a couple of years ago, Andrew was dating Angelina.”
“No, don’t bring her into this. That relationship was bullshit, and you know it. You guys were so close, and it’s driving me crazy.” She grabs both of my shoulders, forcing me to look her in the eye. “Figure it out already! You’ve both agreed you want to live your lives. Do you think skirting around how you feel and pretending to just be friends is living?”
She begins to step back. Little by little, she disappears into a cloud of nothing. I reach out for her. I’m not ready for her to go. We aren’t done talking about this. I’m not done spending time with my best friend. I need her!
I awake with a jolt. Shooting upright, I throw my head into my palms and groan. I roll out of bed and get dressed in my bathing suit. As much as I want to go for a run again this morning to process everything that just happened in my dream, I know I’m going to have to settle for a swim in the lake. I haven’t run in so long; I need to give my body time to recover. Running is a very high-impact sport and just throwing myself back into it as if I’ve still been running 40+ mile weeks this whole time would be a stupid idea, so I’ll settle for the next best thing, swimming.
I rifle through the linen closet for a towel and walk out to the dock, thinking about what I’m going to do with my day. I’m not working this summer. My parents insisted I spend another summer at the lake with my family while I’m still young enough to have the flexibility to do so. They didn’t have the heart to tell it to my grieving face, but I know they also think I’d benefit from spending the summer facing my loss rather than burying myself in work.
I was worried at first about falling behind, but the company I worked for during the school year encouraged me to take some time off. They even told me they’d welcome me back with open arms, come next fall, which was very reassuring.
I reach the end of the dock, toss my towel aside, and dive into the cool lake. The rush of the water fills my ears as I submerge my body, and it’s a good feeling. It drowns out my thoughts for at least a moment, but as I resurface, everything comes rushing back. I don’t even know what to think of my dream. I feel so overwhelmed. Maybe if I break it down?
Okay, the first thing she talked about was my running. That’s an easy one.I’ve already given up my place on the team along with my scholarship. I’ve taken way too long off from running, let alone training. There’s next to no chance of me ever coming back to running at the collegiate level. Oddly enough, I feel at peace with that.
I do want to get back to running for the joy of it though. There was a point when I genuinely loved the feeling. I want to get back to running just because it makes me happy. I can work on that this summer.
What else did she say? She told me to do the mud run this summer with Andrew. I could probably convince him to do that with me. Piece of cake!He already said he would run with me this summer, and the mud run is a pretty relaxed race. It’s not like I’m going to be out there trying to get a personal best. If I tell him it’s something Rebecca and I had been planning on doing, he will absolutely do it with me.
That’s solved…well minus talking to Andrew, but I can do that later. This is easy. I don’t know why the dream made me feel so upset earlier.
I reach the dock about ten houses down and decide to turn around. The last thing she mentioned… oh. She was talking about Andrew and me. My stomach flips at the thought of the events that played out the afternoon of Rebecca’s accident. I shake it off and focus on what exactly Rebecca said. There was something about how we were so close and pretending to just be friends wasn’t living life like we said we were going to do from here on out. Maybe I agree, but it’s not like I have the first clue how to change our situation.
Things are so complicated. We just started talking again. Maybe it feels like no time has passed without us talking, but it doesn’t erase the past nine months. Nor does it erase the past however many years we teetered on the edge of friends and something more but couldn’t make the leap. Maybe Andrew and I aren’t meant to be.
I reach my dock and set my elbows on the edge, resting my chin on my forearms as I catch my breath. I can’t bring myself to get out of the water just yet and face the shiver that will come with the feeling of the cool morning air on my skin.
I grab my phone, which is resting on my towel, to check the time. It’s just after eight. I’ve been out here longer than I thought. I mentally pat myself on the back for being in better shape than I realized. Then I notice the text.
Andrew
Hey Em! You up?
I scroll to the next text, also from Andrew.
Sorry! That didn’t sound how I meant it to. I was just going to come over and chat with you if you were awake…
I laugh a little as my thumbs start typing.
Me
Yes I’m up. You can come over in 20. I just finished swimming. Need to shower and eat.
I drag myself out of the water, and, sure enough, the air hits my body, causing me to start shivering. Goose bumps cover my arms and legs as I bend over to grab my towel.
Andrew saunters down the dock. Surely my eyes are deceiving me because it looks like he just gave me the elevator look. You know, when someone starts looking at your face and then that gaze travels down your body? That’s the look he just gave me. His throat bobs, and I know I wasn’t imagining things. I quickly pull my towel around myself to cover up, blushing a little.
“Hey! I just texted you back. Let me go shower and then we can talk while I eat.”
“Yeah, I saw your text, but then I saw you on the dock and thought I’d just catch you before your shower.” There’s still a heat behind his eyes that makes me want to bury my face in my hands. I’m not used to getting those kinds of looks from anyone, let alone Andrew.
I shudder as a bout of chills slither up my body. “Will it be quick? I have about two more minutes before my teeth start chattering and maybe three minutes before I get hypothermia.”
He laughs smoothly and pulls my towel-wrapped body into his arms, rubbing my shoulders quickly to warm me. “I was thinking we could head into town today and hit the bookstore. Maybe we could grab some ice cream afterward?” For old time’s sake?” He raises his eyebrows enticingly. “I know you just went to the bookstore, and I just got a new book, but I love to look.” He quickly adds, “Plus, it’d give us a chance to make a plan for what we are going to do this summer to, you know, live our lives to the fullest or whatever.” There’s a hint of sarcasm in his voice but it’s clear he’s using it to keep from being too vulnerable.
“Sure, that sounds great!” I shiver again. “When were you planning on heading out?”
He squeezes me tighter. “Go shower before you freeze to death. You can text me when you’re ready, and I’ll drive us.”
I nod in agreement and break free from his embrace. I immediately feel the tension break when I’m out of his arms. My mind may know that Andrew and I have been apart for a while and need some time to get back to where we were, but my body certainly doesn’t.
“I’ll text you,” I say as I begin walking down the dock. He just stands there, watching me walk away.
Sitting outside the ice cream shop, Andrew has a double scoop in a cone with mint cookie and huckleberry, an odd combination to me, but they’re two of his favorites. The huckleberry is a seasonal flavor only offered when the huckleberries are at their peak, and the mint cookie is supposedly the best mint he’s ever had with “the most natural mint flavor I’ve ever tasted.” I took a lick off his cone to taste it, and he’s not wrong.
I spoon a bite off the top of my double scoop in a bowl. I savor the chocolate cherry chunk, before asking, “How was track this year?”
“I qualified for Nationals in the triple jump.”
“Andrew, that’s incredible!”
“And then I burst into flames at the actual meet. I did terrible.” He draws out the last word for emphasis.
“It’s still impressive you made it that far, especially as a freshman.”
He nods in acknowledgment.
I twirl my spoon around a couple of times before actually taking a bite. When I finally swallow my ice cream, Andrew remains silent, leaving me nothing but room to ask what is really on my mind. “What made you decide to take me here today?”
He pauses, mid-lick. After a beat, he continues and then holds his cone down lower as he responds. “I just wanted a normal day with you again. Everything has been so heavy lately, and I’ve missed the bookstore and this heaven.” He holds his ice cream up in the air to show me.
I chuckle. “Yeah, I’ve missed everything being simple too.”
For some reason, the memory of my dream comes floating back. I still need to ask Andrew about doing the mud run with me. “Not to ruin it, but I had this dream last night, and it got me thinking.”
He raises his brows with amusement and sits back on the bench, watching my face. “You had a dream that has been making you think? This should be good.”
I shove his shoulder. “Oh, stop it, Andrew. I’m being serious!”
He holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m just teasing you. I’m listening. You know I’ll always listen when you need me to.”
“I do know.” I start on my second scoop of ice cream, chocolate peanut butter brownie, loaded with fudge, peanut butter swirls, and big brownie globs. “Anyway, I remembered Rebecca and I were supposed to do a mud run this summer. It’s not until mid-August, so there’s still plenty of time before it.” Avoiding his piercing gaze, and feeling vulnerable, I lower my voice a decibel. “I was hoping you’d do it with me since Rebecca can’t anymore. I know you already said you’d be willing to run with me this summer, and you said you’d help me figure out how to start living my life again, so I thought maybe?—”
Andrew cuts me off. “I’d love to do it with you, Em.”
I smile. “Really? Are you sure?”
Andrew is nodding his head vigorously. “Of course! It’s obviously important to you, and the fact that you still want to do it is huge. I’m definitely going to support that!”
“Thank you.” I reach over to touch his arm, squeezing. He twists his arm around to grab my hand. He holds it for longer than expected. His touch sends an electric charge up my arm and through the rest of my body, resulting in a pink blush on my cheeks. Surely, he notices. I shy away, taking my hand back to scoop more of my ice cream. “It’s melting.”
He clears his throat and redirects the conversation. “Is there anything else you had in mind to do this summer so we can really live our lives to the fullest?” A smile cracks wide on his face.
I think of Rebecca’s words from earlier. I should ask him to take me on a date, or I should just lean in for a kiss. Maybe I should just lay out all of my feelings on the table for him and eliminate the confusion sitting between us. We were so close before, like Rebecca said. Except that wasn’t Rebecca. It was just a version of her that my subconscious made up. Doesn’t that still mean that’s what I want to do, what I should do? The little devil on my shoulder asks. She’s a pesky little thing.
“Em?” Andrew looks at me closely. “Did I lose you?”
I shake my head a little, trying to understand what he’s talking about. When my focus comes back, I mutter, “Sorry, I was just thinking more about that dream I told you about.”
“Oh, were there other things it inspired you to do?”
“It was just a dream.” I sigh. “I can’t put too much weight into it.”
He nods in approval, but I can’t help but notice the look of disappointment that crosses his face too. “Were there any non-dream-inspired things you wanted to do?”
I relax, thankful for the change of subject. After thinking for a minute or two though, I come up blank. “I have no idea! I don’t know what I want to do.”
He pats my leg. “That’s okay. Living life to the fullest doesn’t have to be about the big things. I think it can be as simple as being open to new opportunities and taking them when you get them.” He grows surer of what he’s saying as he continues. “Maybe you drive past a restaurant every day that you’ve never tried but always wanted to. Now you make the time to try it. You’ve always wanted to try Krav Maga? Now you sign up for a class.”
“I don’t think I’m interested in Krav Maga.”
“You get my point,” he says with a light-hearted chuckle.
“I do. Did you have anything in mind that you’d like to do?”
He holds my gaze. I can feel his eyes assessing me. He’s trying to stay nonchalant, but I can tell there’s more going on beneath the surface than he’s letting on.
“I think there’s some life to be lived in spontaneity. Guess you’ll just have to wait and see.” His smirk that follows makes me melt faster than my ice cream in this sweltering summer heat.
“No fair! I told you something on my list!”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“You asked me to!” I give him a teasing nudge.
“Should we head back?” He pulls out the keys to his truck, completely ignoring my irritation.
“Yeah, I guess we can do that.”