Chapter Eight
It’s dark but that doesn’t bother me. I can’t see but I can sense this place.
I look around the room. I know it deep in my bones.
I’m hiding. I pace back and forth, scratching the walls.
Scratching the floors. I have to or I’ll lose what little control I have.
I wait and I listen. What am I waiting for?
I can’t tell how much time is passing but without consciously choosing, I open the door and step out.
I feel my movements like a ghost. Drifting into another place.
It smells wet, the air heavy. In front of me is glass.
I feel like I’m fading. I can see someone.
Something. The figure is tall and hunched over.
Its back looks crooked, almost broken. Pale and withered like a living skeleton.
There is something wrong with its eyes and mouth.
I don’t know what but something isn’t right.
I reach out watching my own stretched, emaciated fingers touch the mirror.
I make my way downstairs, the smell of coffee meeting me on the last step.
The thought of it has me feeling more energized already.
As I round the corner into the kitchen, Luke spots me.
“Good morning, beautiful.” He slides a mug toward me with a smile, but I walk past it and wrap my arms around him.
“Morning. Thank you for letting me get some extra sleep.”
“Don’t thank me. I tried to wake you, but you were in full-coma mode, so I took that as a sign.” I give him a fake laugh before turning and grabbing my mug.
“Well, don’t worry. I didn’t forget about our big hike.
Just let me get caffeinated quickly and then I’ll get ready as fast as I can so we can hit the trail.
” I say the last few words with some extra flair before taking a few small sips.
I lean back on the counter across from him, feeling oddly calm after last night.
“You don’t need to rush. We have plenty of time.
The place I’m taking you isn’t that far.
” He in turn takes a drink of his coffee and adds, “Ya know, I almost made your super-nova coffee, but I opted for a healthier amount of caffeine this morning.” He peeks up at me over his cup and I can tell he is amused with himself.
I roll my eyes and flip him off with a laugh.
“Whatever, you loved it.” Something just past him catches my eye.
I set down my coffee and walk over, picking it up carefully.
It’s some sort of small, humanoid doll figure made of sticks and twine.
“What is this? Weird, side hobby you’ve never mentioned?
” I set it back down quickly as a bad feeling settles in my stomach followed by a chill running down my spine.
Luke laughs softly. “No, I found it outside on the porch. It was standing up against the railing like it was waiting for us. Maybe a fairie brought it.”
“Luke, that’s incredibly creepy. Why would you bring it into the house? Aren’t you NOT supposed to accept gifts from creatures of the forest?” I try to stare him down, but he stubbornly keeps a smile on his face and shrugs.
“I have no idea, Hanna. Fairies aren’t real. I was just kidding.”
“That’s what you think! Seems to me, you’re going to find out. You’ve basically invited it in.” I give him a small, teasing smile as he rolls his eyes.
He picks it up and examines it before answering, “It’s probably just some kids playing a prank.”
“What kids? We’re in the middle of nowhere!”
“I don’t know. Me and my friends used to love going out into the woods, drinking and scaring ourselves with stupid, ghost stories. Someone probably came out here, saw our car and took the opportunity. I would’ve done the same thing when I was younger. Honestly, probably still would.”
“Boys are so weird. That was so not my teen experience.” I pause before adding, “Can you do me a favor and please return it to the forest? I don’t like it being inside. Joke or not, it gives me the creeps. I, on the other hand, am going to start getting ready.”
I keep my word and don’t bother with my usual routine.
I throw my hair up in a quick ponytail, wash my face, and get dressed in the hiking clothing I bought for this occasion.
Hopefully it will be the first, and last time, I wear any of it.
The only thing I didn’t get was new shoes.
Luke told me I would heavily regret breaking in new hiking boots and since this isn’t a regular event for me, my tennis shoes would work fine.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist though, so it’s a struggle to get past the feeling that I’m missing something essential.
As a compromise to myself, I decide to apply some unnecessary mascara.
When I’m done, I look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty good about it.
I think I could fool someone if they didn’t know me.
I give myself a thumbs up. “Chin up. Attitude high.”
I skip down the stairs, feeling rejuvenated after putting myself together a bit.
The idea of getting off this property for even a couple hours is sounding very appealing and I’m excited to see Luke in his element.
When I get down the stairs, he is leaning against the door with his arms crossed, looking like a rugged lumberjack. “Exactly how many flannels do you own?”
“Can anyone have too many?”
“Well, I have zero.” I stop right in front of him and cross my arms, trying to match his macho energy. He leans down, unzips his bag, and pulls out a smaller, nearly matching flannel.
He holds it up with a big smile. “Not anymore.”
“Oh my god! It’s matching. Are we officially one of THOSE couples?
” I laugh and take it from him, immediately putting it on.
I turn in a slow circle so he can get the full experience.
“I feel very on-theme. Where’s my gun? My fishing pole?
My ax?” I pretend to chop down a tree–-the tree, of course, being Luke.
“Okay, slow down now before you hurt yourself, city girl,” he says as he slings his backpack over his shoulders.
“Let’s get going before you use up all that adventurous spirit.
” As we walk out the door and down the porch stairs, I do a quick glance around, trying to spot any more hidden stick people.
I’m relieved to not find any and take a deep breath of fresh air, ready to tackle the day.
As we get to the edge of the trees, I pause, hesitation grabbing onto me before I can stop it.
I watch Luke march ahead without a worry in the world and try to let that make me feel better.
I remind myself that Luke isn’t going to take me to do anything unsafe.
He has been doing this his entire life. This is his happy place.
Before he gets too far away from me, I run to catch up, reaching out and taking his hand in mine.
Our time together feels effortless. We talk about mindless things for the first while.
Eventually the trees start to lull us into a peaceful silence that isn’t forced or awkward.
It’s nice listening to the bird’s singing and the wind blowing through the trees.
As we get further in, golden leaves start appearing on the trees and with that comes the crunch of the ones that have fallen. I love the sound.
I feel very meditative at first but as the minutes tick by I find my mind starting to wander, finding its way back to my everyday stress.
My anxieties start playing through my head on a loop.
Starting small at ‘Why can’t I keep a plant alive for more than 2 months?
’ and making its way to ‘Why can’t I find a job that makes me feel fulfilled?
’ and ending with ‘Why am I never good enough?’ Around and around these unhelpful, unproductive thoughts spin.
Without realizing, I’ve stopped paying attention to my steps and I trip.
Luckily, I catch myself and manage not to fall.
As I snap back to the present, I see that I’m a few steps behind Luke, so I pick up my pace, trying to catch up.
Right before I close the gap, I notice that I’ve bitten my nails so far down that they’re starting to bleed.
Shit. Why do I do this? Why do I have no control?
I know I’m hurting myself. My stress makes me feel like I’m suffocating.
Most days, I’m not sleeping well and, if I’m honest with myself, I haven’t been in a long time.
I can’t let myself relax until everything is perfect.
The problem is that perfection is a moving scale–a finish line I never quite reach.
I need to be healthier so I can be happier so I can be more productive at work so I can make more money so I can build a life worthy of Luke and take care of my parents.
In between all of that I have to make time to buy a house, get married, have some babies and start a few of the hobbies that the social media influencers say will help me be happy!
But it's all too much, and I can’t let Luke see how messy I am. How do I….
“Babe? Are you okay?” Luke interrupts my toxic cycle.
I look up and see him standing in front of me.
I glance around and realize that I don’t think I’ve been moving forward.
He looks nervous so I force a smile as he brushes a tear from my cheek.
I didn’t realize I had gotten upset enough to cry. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know… I think I just got lost in thought. I don’t know how it happened. I'm having a really nice time, I swear. I just got sucked in, I guess. I’m sorry.” He wraps me up in his arms and kisses the top of my head.