Chapter Twelve Peyton
We bury my mom today, the woman that has always been my strength.
I don’t know how to live in a world where she doesn’t exist.
When she was dumped at the front gate and we all ran to see her, I could not believe that it was her.
I could not believe that she was gone. I have never in my life seen my father so wrecked, so heartbroken.
This past week getting everything set up for the funeral of my mother and Stray has been difficult.
I had not planned on staying here this long when I came here for my visit, but now everything has changed.
I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t know how to be here for everyone and be where I need to be to get ready to move back here.
So much is going on and at a time that should be a happy one since my triplets are coming soon, it is filled with sorrow and grief.
My mother will never meet my babies. They will never know what a wonderful MiMi they missed out on.
My father will not be the same father he was before this and he will not be the same papa he was before this happened.
He has ghosts in his eyes and he has barely been around.
Davis and Tillie have been staying at Luca’s for the time being.
We all really have, none of us wanting to go into the home that has so many memories and ghosts of our mother.
I know that Toby has gone there to get clothes for Davis, Tillie and dad.
Parker had brought things from school so she wouldn’t have to go in even though Toby had offered to go and grab her clothes as well.
She refused, I know Doc had even offered to get her the things that she needed.
Something happened between the two of them after everything happened last week, I don’t know what exactly, but something shifted.
Toby did bring me my suitcase from my room as well, Luca has been keeping me here as well.
I am fine with that. Knox and Cooper have not left my side all week.
They are waiting for me to break again and I am trying to keep everything together for my siblings and for my dad.
It is so hard, the world seems more gray now than it did before.
I don’t understand how there is so much evil in this world.
I knew the life we lived, I knew what I was born into, but nothing like this has ever happened in our club before.
There has never been this type of club war that tears apart women from children.
My heart breaks for Sophie right now too, she doesn’t know what is going on with her babies and I know the brothers are being tight lipped about everything.
That cannot be easy either, knowing that the men in your life probably have information that could help lead to your children, but they are not giving you updates.
So you sit and wonder what is happening to them and if they are alive.
I think that is probably what is eating her up the most is not knowing if her children are alive or if they are harmed in any way.
She has gone quiet on everyone. No one has really been able to talk to her all week, I know that Toby has been staying at their room in the clubhouse.
From what I have heard, she asked him to leave.
She’s blaming everyone else for what happened.
I understand, I get it, I just wish that she would lay off of it so we can all get through this together.
She is trying to get through all this pain by herself.
I look at myself in the mirror wearing my plain black dress with black tights and a black sweater because it is cold.
Due to the fact that I am heavily pregnant I will not be riding on anyone’s bike, but I will be riding in a car with Sophie and their kids.
I pull out my phone and look at the time and it is getting close to the time we are going to need to head to the church.
Knox and Cooper are upstairs with Luca, Noah, Nash, Natalie, Davis, Tillie and dad.
I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed earlier.
I didn’t want to do this. I don’t want it to be real.
Telling all the kids was hard enough, everything was just so hard.
I’m angry too because Parker, even with everything going on, still won’t talk to me.
It is like she also won’t grieve with me.
She is holding things against me that I don’t understand why.
I made a decision for myself for the first time in my life and she took it and has acted like I’ve betrayed our family.
She is the only one that doesn’t understand why I moved and even now that I am moving back she still wants nothing to do with the relationship that we had before.
I don’t know what to do to make anything right with her anymore.
My phone vibrates in my hand and I glance down to see it is the group chat I have with Sophie and Toby.
Toby: Sophie is going to meet you at Luca’s. I think you guys decided to take her SUV with the kids since you are both pregnant and can’t be on the back of anyone’s bike. She said she would drive you both. She has the room.
Me: Yeah, I decided that I would go with her. Thank you for letting me know. I was going to text and ask her where she wanted to meet. Do you guys need help getting the kids together?
Toby: No, we got everybody together and are loading up the SUV right now. We will be there soon. We love you, Pey.
Me: I love you all too. So much.
With that I grab my purse and place my phone inside of it and head upstairs.
I hear murmurs and head towards the living room.
All the men look over at me as they hear my heels on the floor.
Cooper and Knox head over my way. Knox bends down and kisses my lips asking if I am okay and ready?
Cooper bends and kisses my cheek before moving the hair out of my face.
“Hey angel, how are you doing?” my dad comes over and pulls me in a hug. “You feeling okay? Those babies of yours treating you okay?”
“I should be asking you if you are okay, daddy. Are you holding up okay?”
Dad shrugs his shoulders, “The best I can, angel. I miss her like crazy. I am having a hard time believing all this is real.”
“Yeah. I can’t believe it either.”
I look over at the couch and Noah, Nash, Davis, Tillie and Natalie are all sitting on both couches.
Tillie is sitting there looking at her hands and it looks like Natalie is trying to talk to her, but Tillie is having none of it.
The boys are sitting together whispering and I look back at my brother and dad.
“Who are they driving with?”
Luca looks over at the kids, “Noah is going to drive. He just got his license so we decided that he could take my truck with all the kids. So they can be together while we ride.”
I nod my head and head over to where Tillie is sitting and bring the chair that is next to her in front of her.
“Hey sweet girl, it’s going to be okay. We’ve all got you okay?”
My heart aches not just for me because my mama won’t be here to see my babies, won’t be here when I graduate med school, won’t be here for me to get married, won’t be here for anymore of my milestones and I look at my sister,
my sweet baby sister who is only 11 years old and my mama won’t be there for her high school graduation, she won’t be there to help her with boys or makeup or any of the things that mama helped all of us with.
Davis will never have her give him advice on girls and hell I don’t even know if he has anyone right now I wouldn’t fucking know because who knows who he would even tell if he has a girlfriend, Noah?
I don’t know. But everything hits at once and my pregnancy hormones are making the grieving so much worse.
Tillie throws her arms around me as she sees me starting to get worked up.
I bend my head into the crock of her little neck and just hold her as she cries.
I know she’s going to need all of us to get through everything that is to come.
She’s going to need her sisters to get through those things in life that mama would’ve been able to help her with.
I know dad is going to be there when he can be, but he’s not a mama.
Some things you just need a mama for. I rub Tillie’s back and just hug her until we hear the door open and look to see Toby walk in.
He hugs all the guys in the room and looks over at me.
“She’s in the car. She didn’t want to pull all the kids out right now. Especially since it’s almost time to head out anyway.”
I nod my head and stand up still holding Tillie’s hand. “Has anyone talked to Levi? Is Cassidy coming?”
Luca looks over at me and smiles sadly, “Yeah, she’s coming. He went over there to pick her up, he texted me a little bit ago and they got into it. So she’s driving herself. I don’t think she’s going to be in the procession. The boys won’t be there.”
I nod my head sadly. That relationship dynamic is so messed up, I know that mama would’ve wanted them to work things out before now. I hope Levi pulls his head out of his ass soon before he loses them. No little boy is going to want to see their daddy treat their mama the way Levi does.
“Alright, well I’ll head out to get in the car with Soph.”
I bend down and give Tillie a kiss and a hug.
Then walk her over to dad before I go up and give Knox and Cooper hugs and head out.
Everything with Cooper is awkward. I don’t know how to act or what to do about that.
After mama died I was vulnerable and I needed to get out of my head and I used him.
Was it right, probably not, but I definitely didn’t see him complaining.
So I head out and get in the car towards where we are going to put my mama in the ground and everything came crashing down and everything felt more real.